


The other side

by Wolkje25



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Complicated Relationships, Family, Love, M/M, Self-harming, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide Attempt, Trust, Violence, mentions of chilhood abuse/ sexual abuse, mentions of selfharm/ suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-05-22 16:30:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 169,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6086734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolkje25/pseuds/Wolkje25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Aaron is on warpath when he finds out his cousin Debbie has been sexual assaulted. Robert returns to the village when his brother has been charged with a serious crime, to stand by his side. From the moment they first meet in court they loath each other, although they both can’t deny their mutual attraction. When they give into temptation, they both know it can’t lead to anything else. Because how can they be together when the battle lines between the Sugdens and the Dingles are drawn and the tensions between their families begins to run too high?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drawing the lines

**Author's Note:**

> I am back with another story! I am sorry it took me so long, but I really struggled with this story. I hope you will enjoy it nevertheless!
> 
> Warnings:  
> I want to give you all a warning before you read this. If you get emotionally triggered by reading about sexual assault or if you have ever been through this gruesome crime I would kindly recommend you not to read this story or at least skip the parts about the court hearing as they can be hard to read. I will try and put warnings above all the chapters if I find it necessary to do so.
> 
> I do not mean to offend anyone with this story as I think it is a terrible and serious crime. I tried to be as realistic and honest as I can, but if I do offend you in any way, please sent me a private message on my tumblr: http://wolkje25.tumblr.com/
> 
> Furthermore, I do hope you will enjoy this story as it is for the most part still a Robron story and will have its happy and fluffy moments ;).
> 
> Enjoy reading!

Aaron walked into the back room, just being done with working at the garage. He felt dirty, had spent all day long underneath cars and he could really do with a shower, although he could really do with a brew as well. He moved to the kitchen, but was stopped in his tracks when he noticed his mother leaning against the counter, with a shocked expression on her face, the phone in her hand. 

“Mum, what’s wrong?” he asked worried, taking a step towards her. She held up her hand, silently asking him to wait. The worry in his chest grew when he heard the trembling in his mother’s voice: “Yeah, of course. Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She hung up the phone and just stared in the distance, as if something had shocked her greatly. Aaron could even see the tears forming in her eyes. 

“Mum?” he asked worriedly.

By the sound of Aaron’s voice, Chas seemed to come back to life, because her eyes snapped to his face and Aaron could see the desperation in her eyes. “It’s our Debs. She is at the police station.”

Aaron frowned his forehead, confused my Chas’ words. “What?”

“I’ve got to go there.” Chas suddenly moved and walked towards the door, opening it to grab her coat. Aaron followed her, while he said hurriedly: “Mum, wait. You’re in no fit state to drive yourself. I’ll drive you there.” He got a hold of her arm, to stop her in her tracks. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

Chas’ eyes rested on him for a moment, before she said: “I’ll tell ya in the car. Alright, love?”

Aaron’s frown deepened, already knowing that whatever it was his mother was going to tell him, he wasn’t going to like it.

xXx

Aaron had sat himself down on one of the plastic seats at the police station. He still couldn’t believe what his mother had told him, couldn’t really believe it was actually true. He had almost run them of the road when Chas had told him what had happened.

He had known Andy for as long as he had come to live in the village with his mom. He knew Andy wasn’t a saint, but he had never thought he could do something like this, could hurt somebody this way. 

Aaron’s stomach turned, he felt sick at the thought of Andy hurting Debbie. He suddenly got up, scaring his mother in the process, who had been sitting next to him and walked towards the wall. He leaned against the wall and buried his hands in his pockets, knowing that if he didn’t he would hit the wall with his fist, anger boiling inside of his body. 

That was the moment the swinging doors moved and Debbie appeared, followed by a police officer. Cain, who had been sitting next to Chas, got up the moment he saw his daughter. Aaron didn’t know exactly what he had expected to see but Cain looked just as out of his debt as he felt, as Debbie came to stand still in front of him. 

There was no emotion on her face, nothing that indicated what she must’ve been going through inside that interrogation room. There were no tears, no flicker of fear or pain in her eyes. She looked almost empty and it scared Aaron more than any emotion could’ve done. 

“Where are the kids?” Debbie asked, and even her voice lacked emotion. 

“They are with Moira. They’re at the farm,” Cain answered. Aaron knew from the way he acted, Cain had absolutely no idea how to handle the situation. 

“Can they spent the night at yours?” Debbie asked calmly. 

“Yeah, sure,” Cain answered, before he added sternly: “And so will you.”

“No, I won’t,” Debbie countered and Aaron moved his eyes to Cain, to see how he would respond to that. He looked gobsmacked for a moment, until the words clearly sunk in and something akin to anger filled his eyes. Apparently Debbie noticed too, because she added, her voice smaller: “I just want to go home dad.”

Cain looked piercingly at her, obviously contemplating the best way to handle the situation. Eventually he clenched his jaw, as if he had to face something terrible, before he said: “Fine. I’ll take you.”

“Dad, I don’t want you to take me home.” Debbie’s eyes shot to Aaron and Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion. “Aaron can take me, can’t you, Aaron?” She looked at him with a stern, but pleading look in her eyes. 

“Yeah, sure,” he answered insecure, feeling awkward being put on the spot like that, not even realizing she had known he was there, his answer earning him a death glare from Cain, which Aaron point blank ignored. 

“Fine. But you call me when you get home,” Cain insisted and Debbie nodded, knowing her father had granted her wishes more than he would have done under any other circumstances. 

They walked out of the police station but Aaron was held back by Cain, who stopped him with a hand on his upper arm. “Just bring her home safely. And stay the night. I don’t want her to be on her own, yeah.”

Aaron nodded his head, knowing Cain was right, Debbie shouldn’t be alone tonight. Cain nodded back at him, knowing Aaron understood and followed his sister and daughter outside, Aaron following behind him.

xXx

Aaron had no idea what he was doing, as he opened the door for his cousin and entered her house after her. He noticed Debbie was standing still in the middle of the room as if a memory had invaded her brain. That helpless feeling he had felt before, came over him again, as he had no idea what he should do or say now. 

Eventually he took a few steps forwards and said softly: “Debs? Are you okay?”

His voice seemed to awake her from her thoughts as she turned around and looked at him. She looked worn out, almost drained, but she nodded her head and mumbled: “Yeah, fine.” She was silent again, as she turned back around and moved through the room, before she turned around again and mumbled softly: “You can go home if you want. I’ll be fine.”

Aaron shook his head, Cain’s words clear in his mind. “No, I’ll stay. I’ll take the couch.” A silence fell between them again and he noticed how Debbie’s eyes kept wavering through the room. “Do you want something to drink?”

Debbie’s eyes flew towards him for a split second, before she shook her head and said: “No. I think I am going to bed.”

“Are you sure you wanna stay here? After what he did to you?” Aaron asked hesitantly, not sure he should even bring it up. 

“Yeah. I had to come back at one point. It’s my home after all,” she replied calmly, as if it didn’t bother her at all, which scared Aaron more than anything else. Cain had told them she had been raped in her own bedroom. 

“You want me to…” he swallowed the words, not really knowing what he had wanted to say. “I’ll be here then, alright?” Aaron offered quietly. 

“Yeah. Okay,” she answered, before she moved towards the stairs. She stopped halfway on the stairs and added: “Thank you, Aaron.”

Aaron just nodded and looked on as she moved upstairs. He sighed inwardly. Since the moment he had found out what had happened, he had felt he should do something useful, say something meaningful, but all words seemed empty and wrong. He moved towards the couch and sat down on it. He put off his shoes and settled against the couch. He heard a door close upstairs and he took a blanket from the side of the couch, draping it over his body. But knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep right now, he reached for the remote control and put the TV on. He put the volume a bit softer, before settling back against the couch. 

He was almost forty minutes into the show, when he heard footsteps on the stairs and he looked up to see Debbie standing there in her bathrobe, her hair put up in a top knot. “I couldn’t sleep,” she confessed as she moved near the couch. “Do you mind if I stay here?”

“No, of course not.” He made room for her and she sat down next to him and looked at the telly. “What are you watching?”

“Just a show about making cars from scratch. I can put on something else if you like,” Aaron replied, already reaching for the remote control, but the sound of Debbie’s voice stopped him: “No, it’s fine. Leave it on.”

Aaron leaned back against the couch, his eyes wavering towards Debbie. She wasn’t looking at him, just stared at the TV and he realized she hadn’t made eye contact with him since they had entered the house. But he didn’t know how to change that, didn’t know how to help her, had no idea what he should do. 

As if she felt his eyes on her, she suddenly spoke up without looking at him: “I don’t want to talk about it. I just… I… Can we just watch the show?”

“Yeah sure,” Aaron replied softly, focusing his attention back towards the TV, a terrible feeling settling in his chest.  


xXx

He stepped out of the car and looked around him. It had been years since he had last set foot into this village, yet it still looked like no time had passed at all. As if the time had been standing still ever since he had left. Everything still looked exactly the same. 

He had never thought he would come back here, under these circumstances. He would rather not be back at all. Bad memories invaded his mind and he tried to push them back. He didn’t want to think about all that had happened in this little village. There was no reason to relive the past, there was no use. What done was done. He was here for a reason, for family. And after everything had blown over, he would go back. He would go back to his life, leaving this claustrophobic village behind him. 

He sighed inwardly, his stomach a tight knot as he walked towards the front door. He wished he had just ignored the call of his sister, that he could pretend he never got her call, or he accidentally deleted the voicemail. But he had picked up the phone and the desperation in his sister’s voice had brought him back to the village he had run away from all those years ago. 

He pounded on the front door and a moment later the door opened and his sister appeared in the doorway. 

“Missed me?” He said, jokingly, smirking lightly.

“You came,” his sister cried out and he noticed tears welling up in her eyes, before she took a step forwards and buried her face in his chest. “You actually came.”

“Hey, everything okay?” He asked, trying to keep his voice light, as he hugged her back for a moment before he pulled back.

Victoria moved her hands underneath her eyes to wipe away the tears, which had run down her face. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just glad to see ya, that’s all. Wasn’t sure you would come.”

“Of course, I’d come. Glad to see you too,” he smiled lightly, before he turned serious and asked: “What happened?”

Victoria sighed: “Come on in. We’ll tell you inside. He is here too, right now.” She opened the door wider and he entered after her. When he entered the living room he noticed his brother sitting on the couch, his face buried in his hands. 

“Look, who’s here, Andy,” Victoria said hesitantly. Andy looked up after hearing his name and his expression went from pained to surprised in seconds. 

“Robert.”

“Hello, Andy.”


	2. Truth and lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the second chapter! Hope you enjoy!

Robert leaned against the doorframe, a mug in his hands, his eyes fixed on his brother. He knew the situation was bad when his sister had called him, but he hadn’t realized how bad. 

His brother was being accused of raping Debbie Dingle, the mother of his children. She had reported him to the police and he had been questioned for hours, according to his sister, by the police. Andy had been an absolute wreck after that. Robert had seen him break down more than once since he had returned to Emmerdale. He felt out of his debt, he had no idea how to help him. But he was sure Andy hadn’t done it. He knew Andy had his flaws, but he would never do something like this. Not to the mother of his children whom he loved to death. 

Robert knew he hadn’t done it, read it in Andy’s eyes when he looked up at him, so pained, so hurt. He didn’t even really recognize Andy anymore. He seemed a shell to his former self and even though they hadn’t really gotten along in the past, it pained Robert deeply to see him like this and he would do anything to help him. 

He had rung his lawyer the next morning after his return. Andy needed the best and Robert knew this lawyer was the best. He needed to make sure his brother wasn’t going down for something he didn’t do. 

The case was going to be taken to court, they had gotten the letter for the plea hearing yesterday. 

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Victoria who came downstairs and stood still beside him, to look at Andy as well. 

“Slept well?” Robert asked after a moment. 

Victoria yawned loudly, before she put a hand in front of her mouth.

“I take that as a no then,” Robert continued, grinning lightly when his sister shot him a look. 

“Well, I am sorry but this situation is taken its toll on everyone,” Victoria replied, sounding a bit grumpy.

Robert sighed: “I know.” 

Victoria grimaced at him and he draped an arm around his sister and she leaned into him, laying her head down against his chest. “So I reckon you haven’t talked to him yet?” Robert asked, after a moment.

He could feel Victoria shaking her head, before she mumbled: “I know he tries to not pick a side and I love him for it, but I know he thinks Debbie is telling the truth.”

“Want me to have a word?” Robert proposed. Victoria pulled away from his embrace and looked up at him, saying: “Eh, no thanks. Knowing you, you will end up threatening him. Besides, Adam loves me. We’ll work it out.”

“Okay,” Robert said, dropping the subject and refocusing his eyes back on Andy. He was looking outside the window and Robert wondered if he even knew they were there. “Does he ever go outside anymore?” he asked Victoria.

She shook her head. “No, not since Cain almost attacked him on the street.”

“Doesn’t he have a job to go to? Something?” Robert asked, he knew he shouldn’t feel like this, but he was starting to feel a bit of anguish, having Andy sulking around the house all day. Especially now he and Victoria couldn’t really get out of the house either without getting foul looks. 

“He was working up at Old Farm, but Moira had no choice but to fire him. As she is married to Cain,” Victoria explained. 

“I guess we can establish where her loyalties lie,” Robert pointed out, couldn’t really keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“You can’t really blame her for that, Robert.”

Robert didn’t answer, just took a sip from his coffee before he continued: “So… do we know why he was with her that night?”

Victoria’s voice was only a whisper when she said: “Well from what I heard Andy came to bring back Jack’s stuffed animal, which he had forgotten. He noticed she was upset, because Pete and her had just split up and they ended up talking.”

Robert frowned his forehead. “About what?”

Victoria shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not entirely sure, but it’s not hard to guess. I think they just talked about what has happened in their lives recently. I think they might have even talked about Katie.”

Robert shifted awkwardly when he heard her name. “Is he still not dealing with it?” Robert asked.

Victoria shook her head. “I’m starting to wonder if he ever will. And besides, it’s only been six months.”

“Yeah, I know, but to still be grieving…,” Robert answered.

“He really did love her, you know.”

“I know,” Robert answered softly, almost to himself: “At least he got a change to say goodbye.”

Victoria talked on as if she hadn’t heard him: “Did you talk to him yet? And I don’t mean those awkward conversations you seem to have with him when you do try to talk to him.”

Robert’s eyes wavered back to his brother who was still staring out of the window, not answering his sister’s question. 

“Here,” she said after a moment and held up a mug filled with steaming coffee. 

“Thanks, but I already have one,” he replied swiftly, which earned him a pointed look from his younger sister before she said: “It’s for Andy. You go and hand it to him.”

“Sorry, Vic, but I was about to take a shower.” He put his mug down on the counter before he turned towards his sister again.

“You really do need to talk to him,” Victoria pointed out.

“And I will, after I took a shower. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” he pushed his sister gently out of the way and moved up the stairs. He didn’t really know why he hadn’t really talked to Andy yet. Maybe it would make it all a bit too real. 

Or maybe he wasn’t really ready to see his brother fall apart right in front of his eyes.

xXx

Aaron was walking inside the courthouse, his mom next to him. He pulled at his suit jacket. He hated wearing suits. They made him feel uncomfortable and he associated suits with court. The fact he was actually in court right now made him feel even more uncomfortable than he already did. But after he had spent the night on Debbie’s couch, with her eventually falling asleep on his shoulder, he could not, not go. He needed her to know she would get all the support she needed. 

They joined Cain and Debbie in front of the courtroom. Cain gave them a nod and Debbie smiled nervously at them. She was wearing a black skirt suit and Aaron noticed she was trying to keep calm, but her hands were trembling lightly. Before he even got the chance to say anything to her, the doors opened and they were invited inside. 

They all sat themselves down and Aaron looked on as Andy was brought inside and took his place. He hadn’t seen much of him lately, which probably made sense, but seeing him standing there, brought all kind of feelings to the surface. And to his own surprise, one feeling was the strongest; betrayal. 

Aaron had always seen Andy as a friend and although they had never been particularly close, they had always gotten along. Aaron could still hardly believe he could really have done something so horrible. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when the doors to the balcony were suddenly opened and Victoria and Diane walked inside, followed by a blonde stranger. 

He hadn’t spoken to Victoria or Diane that much. And he knew his mom had a hard time working with Diane, as Diane was on Andy’s side, just as Victoria was. Once he had even heard Victoria lashing out at Marlon over it, telling him to shut up about it. He knew there was a lot of tension between his family and theirs, but he hoped it would all calm down again soon. 

Aaron’s eyes wavered to the man, who had entered together with Diane and Victoria. He was very good looking, his hair golden blonde which would probably look even blonder in the sun. He had a jaw-line that could chisel granite and his deep-set eyes were sharp. His body was lean and he was tall, probably taller than Aaron was. His fingers were long and slender and Aaron unconsciously wondered what the man would be able to do with those fingers.

Aaron’s eyes moved back to the man’s face as the man sat down next to Victoria. He was looking down towards the courtroom with a steady gaze and an air of authority which made Aaron find him even more attractive. 

Piercing eyes snapped up to him and suddenly Aaron was trapped in the man’s gaze. Aaron immediately looked away, feeling slightly caught out for staring and let his eyes waver back towards the court room and stood up when the judge arrived. 

He wondered who that man was. He didn’t know him, had never seen him around, but somehow he seemed to know Victoria and Diane as he had walked in and sat together with them. So that meant he must be here for Andy. That thought made Aaron quite agitated. Andy didn’t deserve any more support. Victoria and Diane were standing by his side because they were family. But this man must be just as close to him if he stood by his side in this.

He looked at Debbie for a moment. She was focused on Andy’s face, as if she was trying to read every emotion that crossed his face. He suddenly wished Pete would be here right now. He knew Debbie inside out and would know how to support her. But Debbie had told him yesterday evening, in one of her more open moments, they had split up the day of that fateful night, after he had confessed at cheating on her. He couldn’t really believe Pete had actually done such a thing and with Leyla of all people. If he hadn’t, maybe none of this would’ve happened. Aaron shook his head, as if he could shake his thoughts off that way. There was no use thinking of what could or couldn’t have happened. No matter how much he wished it would.

He could only wish it would all be over soon. 

xXx

“I can’t believe he pleaded not guilty,” Chas said, as they walked back from the courtroom. Aaron could hardly believe it himself. He suddenly realized everything had just turned even worse. 

“Apparently he thinks he can get away with it. But he won’t,” Cain promised, his eyes blazing angrily. Aaron had seen that look not so long ago, when he had almost decked Andy in the streets. Aaron and Marlon had had a hard time holding him back. 

But now Debbie was there and brought him to a halt with a hand on his upper arm. “I need you to let me do this my way, dad. Please?” Her eyes were not wavering from his face as she waited for his answer.

Cain clenched his jaw and he looked ready to hurt someone, but after a moment he nodded his head once, although Aaron noticed it wasn’t heartily. 

Debbie let go of him and started to walk towards the exit of the building. Aaron caught up to her and adjusted his step to hers.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked quietly to Debbie, not really knowing what else to say.

“I don’t know,” Debbie answered truthfully, before she added, sounding weary: “I just want to go home.”

Aaron just nodded, he could understand that feeling. When he looked up he noticed Victoria and Diane were quietly talking to Andy, the blonde man standing close by, not interfering in the conversation. 

His eyes wavered to Debbie, who was pointedly looking the other way, trying to ignore them. Suddenly Aaron’s phone started ringing and Aaron looked down to take his phone out of his pocket, and knocked into something, or rather someone, when he didn’t pay attention. When he looked up, he noticed it had been the blonde guy who had come from the other way.

“Watch were you’re going,” he grumbled, somehow not in the mood to be friendly towards the man, knowing he had some kind of connection to Andy. 

“Excuse me?” the man said, sounding slightly offended, blue eyes piercing into his own for the second time that day. 

“I said, watch where you’re going,” Aaron replied, grumpily, trying not to be intimidated by the man’s stare. 

“Who are you?” the man asked, his voice condescending, which struck something deep and ugly inside of Aaron. He hated to be looked down upon, especially by people like this man, who carried themselves around like they were better than everyone else. 

Aaron huffed lightly, not believing what he was hearing. But not willing to be provoked he didn’t answer, he just stared at the blond guy in front of him.

Apparently that only riled the guy up even more, because his tone turned vicious when he spoke: “I saw you chatting to her,” and Aaron noticed how his eyes flickered towards Debbie for a moment. “Can’t really understand how you can believe a liar. She must be really good.”

Before he knew what he was doing himself, Aaron had pushed the blond guy against the wall of the courthouse, the man’s shirt fisted in both his hands. He vaguely heard people yelling his name, but all his attention was focused on the guy in front of him, who didn’t look as confident as he did before. He looked taken aback, maybe a little scared even, but there was something else, something Aaron couldn’t quite place. He decided to ignore it and hissed: “You know nothing about her.”

“What? She your girlfriend or something? You’re aggrieved because my brother had a go with her?!”

Aaron slammed him against the wall again, now invading his personal space. His voice was a dangerous hiss when he said: “You better shut the fuck up, because if you don’t, I swear to God…”

Somewhere in the background he heard his mother’s voice: “Aaron. Aaron, love, let him go.”

Aaron loosened his grip on the man’s shirt. He locked eyes with the man and gave him a hard look. He noticed the guy’s lips were lightly parted as if he was astonished, then Aaron realized he was staring at another man’s lips and looked back up. Cold blue eyes pierced into his, before those eyes unconsciously dragged down to his lips as well and Aaron’s breath hitched in his throat. Blood rushed through him and as if he had burned himself, Aaron suddenly pulled away from him, turned around and walked out of the courthouse. 

xXx

Robert saw him walk away, frowning lightly, not really sure what he had just happened, or what he had been thinking. He knew he had been provoking the guy, which probably wasn’t the best thing to do right now. But he still felt the need to stand up for his family, to protect his family no matter what. He knew Andy would never do something like this. He knew his brother, he just wouldn’t. He didn’t know why she would tell a lie this big, but he knew Debbie was lying. He had seen the desperation and hurt in his brother’s eyes since he had come back, he knew his brother hadn’t done what they were accusing him off. 

“Why do you always do that?” Victoria asked.

“What?” Robert asked confused, his eyes flickering to his sister for a moment. He was still a bit taken aback by what had just happened and couldn’t ignore the rush of want which had settled in his gut, wondering if he had just imagined the attraction between the two of them.

“It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends, with the way you treat people,” Victoria continued, clearly annoyed by his behavior. He vaguely noticed Andy and Diane had already left the building.

“He started it,” Robert replied weakly, knowing how childish that sounded.

“Yes and the last thing we need is you and him ending up in a fight. We get enough hate in the village as it is, without your harsh comments,” Victoria pointed out, sounding disappointed in him and knowing he had let his little sister down, Robert suddenly felt bad.

Robert sighed inwardly, knowing his sister was right. “Fine, I’ll behave. Happy now?”

She gave him a warning look, having heard the sarcastic tone in his voice, before she subsided and said: “Good. Now, let’s go home.”

xXx

Aaron dropped himself down on the couch and sighed. He felt absolutely knackered and he would’ve loved it if he could just lie down and sleep, but he knew that wasn’t an option when his mom sat herself down on the couch next to him and gave him a pointed look.

“What?” he asked defensive, already knowing where this was about, before she had even opened her mouth.

“Why do you always do that?” she asked, half worried, half accusing.

Aaron huffed: “You wanted me to just let it slide? He was badmouthing Debbie.”

“I know, love. But that doesn’t mean you can lash out like that.” Chas sighed weary. “Although I don’t particular mind that you did.” 

Something sparkled in his mother’s eyes and Aaron frowned his forehead. “What? You know him, or something?”

“I believe that was Robert Sugden.” The way his mother said his name, made Aaron realize his mother didn’t only know him, but didn’t really like the guy either. 

“Andy’s brother?” Aaron asked surprised, remembering Victoria mentioning him once or twice before.

“Yes, that one,” Chas acknowledged. 

“You mean the one who had an affair with Katie behind his brother’s back all those years ago?” He remembered the tales about it. He didn’t know the whole story, because he frankly hadn’t cared enough to ask any more questions, but now he kind of wished he had. 

“Yes, and Katie wasn’t the only one he had an affair with,” his mother answered, which made Aaron frown even more, before he snorted: “No wonder he is such a snake, with a history like that.”

“Yeah, well. You need to promise me you stay away from him. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of him,” Chas warned and Aaron frowned his forehead, wondering why his mother suddenly sounded so worried, as if that man was really dangerous.

Aaron snorted at his own thoughts. This Robert might think highly of himself, but Aaron was not in the slightest impressed by it. “Don’t worry I don’t want to have anything to do with him.”

“Good. We have a lot to deal with already. I don’t want anything happening between the two of you.”

“Don’t worry mom, nothing will,” Aaron promised.

xXx

Robert was making coffee when he was joined by his sister in the kitchen. She leaned against the counter, without a word and Robert knew in an instant there was something she wanted from him. “What? 

Victoria sighed: “Can you talk to him? He hasn’t said a word since we’ve been back from court.”

“What makes you think he would talk to me?” Robert asked, annoyed his sister kept pushing him to talk Andy.

“You’re his brother,” Victoria just stated, as if that should be reason enough for him to go talk to his brother. Robert sighed, knowing he had no way out this time.

“Fine. I’ll give it a go,” he subsided a moment later when his sister kept on looking at him, waiting for him to say yes. She smiled triumphantly at him, which almost made Robert roll his eyes. 

Robert filled two mugs with coffee and walked towards his brother. He sat down on the coffee table in front of him and tried to give him a mug, but Andy didn’t react. He placed the mugs on the table.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, but Andy still didn’t respond and Robert wondered if he had even heard him.

“Andy, please talk to me,” he begged softly as he rested with his lower arms on his knees, leaning slightly forwards. “I want to help.”

That seemed to get through to Andy because he moved, his eyes wavering towards Robert’s. “You can’t help me, Rob. No one can.”

“There must be something we can do, if you say you didn’t touch her…”

His words seemed to unlock something inside of Andy as he suddenly reached out and grabbed Robert’s lower arm tightly. “I didn’t! I would never do anything to hurt her. She is the mother of my children Robert. I would never hurt her.”

“Alright. If you say you didn’t hurt her, I believe you,” Robert replied, slightly shocked by the tears which welled up in Andy’s eyes.

Andy sighed and buried his face in his hands. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get you out of this mess,” Robert promised, determined to make sure Andy walked free. 

Andy nodded his head slowly, wiping the tears from his face. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, let me know what you think!


	3. Not giving in

Some time passed after the plea hearing. Aaron understood the lawyers needed to build their cases. He didn’t see much from Debbie or Cain during this. He practically ran the garage in their absence, which was hard enough in its own right, having to deal with Ross and Dan on a daily basis. He was mentally and physically exhausted when he came home after a day’s work and then his mother brought him up to date on the case.

A lot had changed in the village when the whole story came out, which was pretty quick as people liked to gossip in the village. He had noticed the foul looks towards the Sugden family, as there were a lot of people siding with the Dingles, although he knew a lot of people still could hardly believe Andy had really done such a thing. Even though he couldn’t really blame Victoria or Diane for what had happened, he still felt awkward when he crossed their paths. 

He had crossed paths with Robert a few times too, him sitting with Diane or Victoria in the pub or when he left the shop or when they just passed each other on the street. They never spoke, just gave each other dead glances from afar. Aaron had promised his mother to stay as far away from the Sugdens as he could and he tried to ignore them as much as he was able to. When he did walk into Victoria or Diane he tried to keep it civil, what had happened was not their fault. It seemed like there was some kind of unspoken thing to not mention Debbie or Andy when a Dingle and a Sugden crossed paths, which was a good thing as Chas and Diane still owned the pub together. They had had ended up in a massive row over the subject once and it had taken a long time for them to get past it and even longer for them to have a normal conversation again. 

It was hard for Aaron to keep calm when he saw Andy walking around, not that that happened very often nowadays, but when Aaron did see him, Aaron had a hard time controlling himself, wanting to deck him for what he had done. But knowing that wouldn’t help Debbie’s case he tried to stay away from Andy as much as he could. 

Debbie seemed to handle everything well, although she seemed to leave the house just as little as Andy seemed to do. He could understand why, as it was hard to ignore the sorry looks and sympathetic glances from the villagers. He hadn’t spoken to her all that much and he had understood from his mom that she wanted to be left alone, although the Dingles had a hard time granting that wish. The kids were with her again, having stayed over at Cain’s and Moira’s for a few days, and it seemed to do her good, having them around. Aaron was glad for that, although he did wonder how she was coping all on her own. 

He wished he could just stay away from the Sugdens, but as he lived with Diane under one roof, it turned out to be pretty hard, as was proven when he walked in on a Sugden family meal two weeks after the plea hearing. 

He had just gotten home from work and he entered the back room, just to be stopped by the scene in front of him. Diane, Victoria, Robert and even Andy were sitting at the dinner table. “O sorry. I didn’t know there was anyone here.” He wanted to close the door again, not in the mood to be in the same room as the Sugdens, but he was stopped in his tracks by Diane’s voice.

“It’s fine, pet. You can take some, if you want. There is plenty.”

Aaron swallowed lightly, trying to find the right voice. “No, you’re alright,” he answered, keeping his voice calm and without emotions.

“No, of course he doesn’t want to sit with us. What must his mommy think of him if he did?” Robert snarled from his place, his gaze boring into Aaron’s. 

Aaron’s eyes snapped to Robert’s face and he just huffed out loud: “Just wanted to make a brew, that’s all.”

“Course you were,” Robert answered sarcastically, his expression condescending, before he took another bite from his food and broke the eye contact, as if he was convinced Aaron would leave again after his words. Aaron really wanted to, but felt like he couldn’t anymore, feeling like he needed to prove a point to that spoiled brat of a man. 

He walked towards the kitchen, could feel Robert’s eyes refocus on him with a stern look when he passed the table. He filled the kettle and put it on. 

He could feel the awkwardness in the room growing as the silence dragged on. Aaron leaned against the counter as he waited for the water to boil. His eyes snapped towards Robert’s face again, who was looking at him with a defiant expression on his face, almost challenging him to say something. But Aaron wasn’t going to take the bait, even though he really wanted to. 

Most of the time Aaron felt uncomfortable being stared at by someone, but right now he wasn’t going to look away. Something in Robert’s eyes told him to do exactly that and Aaron wasn’t going to give in. He suddenly noticed something he hadn’t noticed before. Robert’s eyes weren’t just blue, his eyes had little bits of green in them, like an ocean on a stormy day, blue with tinges of green. Aaron felt stupid to notice something like that, hadn’t really paid this much attention to anyone in ages. 

“Just eat on, Robert, love. Before it gets cold,” Diane suddenly said, leaving Robert no other choice but to break their eye contact and look away. The kettle was done boiling seconds after and Aaron turned around with a smug feeling, like he had won some important game, ignoring the part of his brain which told him how childish it was. 

When he had made himself some tea, he walked back the way he had come, almost feeling Robert’s eyes burning a hole in his back and although he really shouldn’t feel like this, he couldn’t ignore the heat coursing through his body, knowing Robert was looking at him.

“Aaron,” Andy suddenly called after him and Aaron stood still, his hand on the handle of the door. He was almost surprised to hear Andy’s voice. He didn’t know how to behave around him anymore. Hated him for what he had done, still couldn’t quite believe he really did hurt Debbie, not knowing if really wanted to hear what Andy had to say. “I didn’t hurt her. I swear I didn’t.”

Aaron turned around and locked eyes with Andy for a moment, not knowing what to say. His eyes wavered unconsciously to Robert for a second, before he ripped his gaze away, opened the door and disappeared upstairs. 

xXx

Robert noticed he was still staring at the door Aaron had just disappeared through, when Diane’s voice filled his mind. “I don’t know if that was such a smart move, love,” Diane said to Andy.

“I had to try something,” Andy argued back, looking totally distraught again. Robert sighed silently. They had finally been able to get Andy out of the house. They had finally been able to talk about other things than the trail. And now it seemed like it had all been for nothing, because Aaron had just walked into the room. “I have no idea how to make them listen to me,” Andy continued his voice pained.

“It isn’t like you have to try. They won’t listen,” Robert snarled, already disliking every member of the Dingle family, for the way they were treating his family. 

Two pair of eyes looked up at him disapprovingly.

“What?” he snapped defensively.

“Uh, not helping,” Victoria remarked matter of factly. 

“I just thought Aaron was the only one who would listen to me,” Andy confessed silently, sighing as he looked down at his plate. Robert noticed how Diane and Victoria seemed to understand Andy, but Robert couldn’t, had no idea why Andy would say something so ridiculous. 

“Him? Listening?” Robert asked, huffing out a sarcastic laugh.

“He might look a bit rough from the outside, but he has a heart of gold that one,” Victoria answered a bit heated as if he had said something wrong, again.

“He turned out alright, considering where he’s been through,” Andy added. Diane and Victoria nodded in agreement. Robert furrowed his brow, felt like he was left out to some kind of information and he wondered what had happened to Aaron. He was about to ask, but something stopped him. He felt like it wasn’t really his place to ask. So he concentrated on his food as the subject changed to something else. 

xXx

Aaron was chatting to his mom at the bar, drinking a pint, when the door opened and Robert walked inside. Chas pulled a face, while she said: “Great, that’s really something we can use right now.”

Aaron looked up and looked away the second he noticed where his mother was talking about. He rolled his eyes while he moved a hand over his face, annoyed by Robert’s appearance, at the same time trying to ignore the pang of want in his gut. A few days had passed since the moment in the kitchen and Aaron would never admit it, not even to himself, but since then a few nights had been filled with blue-greenish eyes boring into his soul.

“One pint, please Chas,” Robert ordered, as he leaned against the bar, not so far away from Aaron. Aaron couldn’t help but shoot a glance in his direction, which was captured by Robert.

“What?” Robert sneered. 

“Surprised your even out in public,” Aaron commented, not even knowing why he even opened his mouth, trying not to look at Robert as he knew it was just as bad an idea as talking to him.

“It’s a free country, I can do whatever I like,” Robert shot back.

Aaron snorted at that: “Which is bad enough.”

“Wow. You sound bitter,” Robert replied, a laugh in his voice.

Aarons shrugged his shoulders, knowing Robert’s words were true. “Got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

“Yeah. I get that,” Robert replied, his voice sounding sincere and honest. He hadn’t heard Robert sound like that before and it made him look up in surprise, his eyes focusing on Robert’s face. There was a seriousness in his eyes which surprised Aaron. He looked like a man with the world on his shoulders for a moment, all the bravura gone from his face. But the look was gone the moment Chas put the pint down in front of him, without a word, before she turned to other costumers. 

Robert took a sip from his beer, before he opened his mouth again: “So you’re not with your girlfriend tonight?”

Aaron, not knowing if he should be amused or not, huffed out a laugh. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, right,” Robert responded, sounding unconvinced. 

“She’s family. She’s my cousin actually.” At the moment he said it, Aaron wondered why in fact he told Robert this at all, as it was really none of his business. 

“So no bird in your life then?” Robert asked, with a tone in his voice Aaron wasn’t able to place.

Aaron shook his head, smirking lightly, not sure if he should be annoyed or amused by Robert’s questions. “Not that it’s any of your business, but women aren’t really my thing.” He almost laughed by the confused look on Robert’s face. He drank the last of his drink before he got up, leaving Robert all alone at the bar. 

xXx

“Debs?” Aaron called out, as he entered her house, carrying two shopping bags in his hands. Chas had asked him to do some shopping for Debbie, before Robert had interrupted them. Debbie appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Hiya. Mom said you needed some shopping done. Thought I would bring it over to ya,” Aaron said, trying to sound cheerful, but failing miserably. 

“Thanks,” she answered, smiling lightly. She took a bag from him and walked to the kitchen, Aaron following behind her. They started to unpack the groceries and Aaron could feel the awkward silence growing between them. Eventually it became so heavy, Aaron said the first thing that came to mind: “Where are Sarah and Jack?”

“Sarah’s at school and Jack’s with Moira.”

Aaron just nodded his head, before placing the milk in the fridge. When he closed the fridge and walked back to his shopping bag, he noticed Debbie was leaning against the counter as if a thought worried her, her mouth a thin line, her eyes concerned.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked immediately.

“They want her to testify,” Debbie confessed. Aaron frowned his forehead for a moment, trying to figure out who she meant. “You mean, Sarah?” he asked after a moment.

“Yes. She was sleeping right next door when it-” her voice broke for a moment and Aaron wanted to reach out to her, but she took a step back, away from him. 

She seemed to see his worried look, because she said: “I’m sorry. It’s just a lot to take in and I don’t know if I can put her through this.” 

“Did you ask her?” 

Debbie looked up at him as if he had said something she hadn’t considered before. The look in her eyes told him, he could continue to tell her what he was thinking. “Look, I know you want to protect her. I would do the same. I know she is just a young girl, but ultimately it’s her decision.”

Debbie nodded her head and she looked deep in thought, before she finally moved and spoke again, her eyes focused on the groceries. “Thanks. For this as well.” She picked up some apples and smiled at him. “You didn’t end up as bad as we all thought you would at first.”

Aaron smiled lightly at that. “Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”

They continued putting the groceries away, but the silence wasn’t as it had felt before. Aaron had the feeling he had seen a glimpse of the old Debbie and was glad about it. He missed the old Debbie, the strong woman, who had already been through so much, but always seemed to get out on top. Seeing her standing there, made him realize how hard this had hit her. 

“So how is Cain handling it?” Aaron asked, when they were done.

“Dad is dad. He’d rather kidnap Andy and beat a confession out of him. He doesn’t really know what to do.” Aaron knew she knew her father all too well, but by the way she had said those words, he realized she had wished he would’ve reacted a bit differently.

“He’ll get there. Just give him some time,” he therefor said.

She smiled weakly at him and Aaron smiled back, before moving towards the door. He was stopped in his tracks by Debbie’s voice. “Aaron.” He turned around to face her and noticed the serious look on her face. “I would like you to be there when I give my testimony. I know dad will be there and Moira and Chas. But I would like you to be there as well. If you’d want to.”

“Yeah. Course,” Aaron promised at once, knowing he would never say no to her, ever again.

xXx

“You’re here again,” Aaron stated when he walked through the back into the front of the pub, two days after he had brought the groceries to Debbie, and noticed Robert sitting at the bar.

“Well as sad as I think it is, this is the only pub in this village. So my choices are limited,” Robert returned smugly.

Aaron smirked at that despite everything. 

Robert seemed to notice, because he grinned back. “So while you’re here, you can join me for a pint.”

Aaron snorted. “I don’t think so.”

Robert’s face fell for just a split second, before he answered harshly: “Suite yourself.”

Aaron just huffed and shook his head, before he walked over to where Adam was sitting at a table. “Hiya,” he greeted and took a seat. 

“Hi,” Adam greeted back and Aaron noticed at once something was up. And he knew exactly what it was. “So I guess you still haven’t talked it out yet,” Aaron stated.

Adam shrugged lightly, before he answered: “We tried, but it’s like we’re running in circles, you know. She’s saying she is okay with everything, but I know she’s not. We just never seem to get it all out there.”

Aaron gave him a sympathetic pat on the back, before he asked if Adam wanted to drink something, before he walked to the bar to order. He ordered two pints from Diane, before he felt Robert’s eyes on him. “What?” he snapped, suddenly annoyed and uncomfortable of having Robert’s eyes on him again.

Robert only seemed amused by his snapping. “Nothing,” he answered, before he took a sip from his pint and licked the foam from his top lip with his tongue. The gesture was so erotic, Aaron found he wasn’t able to look away, his stomach turning into a pool of heat. “Here ya go, love,” Diane said, making Aaron snap out of it. He thanked her and walked back to the table, sitting down beside Adam. He slid a pint towards Adam, before taking a sip of his own.

“What did Sugden want from you?” Adam asked, nodding his head towards Robert. Aaron didn’t dare to look up, but just shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know.”

“That man is a pillock and he’s got a mouth on him. Practically forced me to talk to Vic, almost threatened me in the process. Anyway, he seems different with Vic, really protects his family. And he seems to have money and connections everywhere.”

Aaron frowned his forehead, his interest peeked because of Adam’s story and he wondered what Robert’s backstory was. “How’d you mean?”

“Just know he got Andy this fancy lawyer and everything.”

Aaron felt the worry and distress settle in his bones, knowing what it meant if Andy had an expensive lawyer for his trial. Adam seemed to notice, because he said: “Sorry. I’m not really helping, am I? And here is me talking about me and Vic. How is your family doing?”

Aaron looked down at the table, trying to give Adam a proper answer. “Debbie isn’t really out much, talks even less about it. Mom tries to be there for her, but I can tell it’s pretty hard on her too. Cain doesn’t know what he has to do with himself, doesn’t know what to do to help her. Got no clue myself to be honest. The rest of the family is there for her, but it’s really hard to get through to her.”

“That’s tough mate,” Adam replied sympathetically.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” Aaron answered, sighing lightly, knowing no way out of it at all.

xXx

Robert didn’t know what he was doing himself, but his eyes seemed to waver unconsciously towards Aaron even though he didn’t want them to. He found himself looking at him again, when Victoria appeared from the kitchen. He snapped his eyes away from Aaron and looked at Victoria who was looking expectantly at him, as if she was convinced he was going to say something. 

“They seem to get on,” Robert commented therefore to his sister. He noticed she looked towards the table Aaron and Adam where sitting, before she just shrugged her shoulders lightly.

“What? You’re not even a bit bothered by it?” Robert asked, curiously. “They look pretty close.”

“That’s because they are,” Victoria replied, putting a new pint in front of Robert. “They’ve been best mates for years.”

“Really?” Robert asked interested, his eyes moving to the two men at the table, his eyes coming to rest on Aaron. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something intriguing about him. Robert couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he found him highly interesting. 

“Yep. They’ve put up with a lot for the other. If that isn’t friendship, I don’t know what is,” Victoria replied, her voice having a warm touch to it. Robert’s eyes were still focused on Aaron, wondering how he and Adam had ended up being best friends. Robert noticed Aaron’s eyes wavered to his and when Aaron noticed Robert was looking back at him, he immediately pulled his eyes away from him, his cheeks coloring up, which made Robert smile to himself for no particular reason, until he realized what he was doing and realized he was in trouble. 

xXx

Robert had no idea what he was doing. He was consciously seeking Aaron out, had no real reason to do so and on top of that the guy hated his guts. It had been days since their last encounter in the pub and Robert had tried to shut out all of his thoughts involving Aaron. But having heard him say he was gay, or at least that was what Robert thought he had meant, had made Robert curious, more curious than he wanted to admit to himself. 

He had felt the attraction between the two of them and he knew Aaron had felt it too. But he also knew it was a dangerous game he was playing, because he knew all hell would break lose if he gave into temptation. He had tried to stay away, as he kind of disliked the man himself. He was hard to get a read on, hard to figure out. Robert had no idea what was going on in the man’s head most of the time, had to laugh or smile at Robert’s remarks one time and the other he could be offended and talk back at him, being sarcastic or sassy when he did. 

And he was handsome, in a scruffy, rough kind of way, which Robert had to admit he liked and found highly attractive. And although Aaron was shorter than him, Robert had noticed he was muscular and had brewing blue eyes. They were deep dark blue, like the sea, shimmering and crashing and churning. When Robert had been captured in those eyes, when they were focused on him, it felt like they looked straight through his facades.

He buried his hands inside his pockets as he made his way towards the garage, knowing Aaron worked there. When he came closer he noticed Aaron was bent over a car in blue overalls, which gave him a nice view on his well-formed ass. Aaron turned around and looked up, presumably had heard footsteps on the grit as Robert moved closer. Robert couldn’t ignore the way Aaron looked in his overalls as Aaron stared at him for a moment, before he turned around again and closed the hood of the car he had been working on. “What do you want?” he asked grumpily, as if he was annoyed by Robert’s presence alone.

“Just looking around the village. Seems like everything has stayed the same ever since I left.”

Aaron just nodded his head once as if he believed Robert explanation for being here, before he turned around and walked inside the garage. Robert followed him inside before he could tell his mind otherwise. Aaron looked astonished for a moment when he realized Robert had followed him inside, before his expression turned into his usual scowl. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked, almost accusing.

“I told you, I am just looking around,” Robert clarified smugly.

Aaron’s scowl turned darker and he commented: “Well go and do it somewhere else. I don’t have time for this.”

Aaron was about to pass him when Robert spoke up: “I used to work here, you know.”

Aaron stopped walking and stood still in front of him, the disbelieve readable on his face. “You?” he huffed out.

Aaron’s reaction made Robert laugh softly. “Yes, me. Kind of hard to imagine now, is it?”

A small smile appeared on Aaron’s face. Seeing that did strange things to Robert’s heart. “Yeah, kind of,” Aaron replied, his voice turning softer.

“I liked it though. Most of the time anyway,” Robert continued, somehow wanting to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, sounding slightly insecure and Robert noticed he gulped slowly as he bit his lower lip. That gesture made Robert blood rush south at once. That man was doing things to him…

xXx

Aaron was slightly taken aback by the near presence of Robert. He looked good and smelled even better. The top two buttons of his shirt were undone and even though it was one of Robert’s hideous shirts, it granted Aaron a glimpse of collarbone and the hollow of Robert’s throat. A wash of heat settled low in his gut at the sight, which Aaron tried to ignore. But although he was fighting it with every fiber of his being, his body knew exactly what it wanted. 

Aaron wasn’t just aware of Robert’s presence at all times when he was in the same room as him. He watched how the man moved, knew how he spoke. He had noticed the way the smooth fabric of Robert’s suits hugged his lean frame, how it outlined his shoulders and a long, sleek back or how a pair of fitted jeans showed off a killer ass. 

But most of the time Robert was condescending and rude, smug and snarky. And Aaron didn’t like him one bit. But these small, genuine moments showed him a side to Robert he hadn’t seen all that often and he started to wonder if Robert ever showed that side to anyone at all. He was pulled out of his own thoughts by Robert’s voice.

“I can get my hands dirty if I want to,” Robert said, his eyes sparkling brightly and Aaron realized Robert was flirting with him, which was such a surreal experience, Aaron was at a loss for words for a moment, before a smile crept on his face and he said: “I bet you can.”

Robert turned up a corner of his mouth, smiling lightly which made him look even more handsome than he already was, his eyes boring into Aaron’s. The smile faded from Aaron’s lips as the air slightly changed between them. Robert held his gaze and Aaron’s pulse quickened as he found himself unable to look away. Something crossed over Robert’s eyes, making the air charged and heavy and Aaron’s skin suddenly felt so hot with want that he physically gulped, his heart pounding like a jackhammer behind his ribcage.

Robert took a step closer towards him, their faces only inches apart and Aaron’s breath got stuck in his throat as Robert’s eyes trailed down to Aaron’s lips. 

“Aaron! Where are you?!” A voice came from outside and they both moved apart. Aaron tried to get his head back together, at the same trying to process what had just happened and ignoring Robert’s presence as he walked away from him and left the garage to see Cain standing there, impatiently waiting. 

“Took you long enough,” Cain commented, before he talked on: “Did you pick up Carly’s car, she rang me to tell me you didn’t.”

“I was busy here,” Aaron reacted, slightly offended by Cain’s tone and feeling slightly caught out by him as well.

“You’re slacking. So get a move on and-” Cain stopped talking when he noticed who had just come out of his garage. Aaron was completely aware of the presence behind him as Cain’s face hardened.

“What’s he doing here?” Cain asked, his question pointed at Aaron.

“Why would anybody come to a garage,” Robert answered sarcastically.

“You better leave now or I’ll-” Cain started.

“Or you do, what exactly?” Robert remarked smugly, a smirk crossing his features. Cain clenched his jaw, looking like he was ready to deck him, but he didn’t react. “Thought so,” Robert added after a moment, his smug smile widening, before he moved his hands into his pocket and walked away. 

“What was he doing here?” Cain asked, when Robert was out of earshot, his voice demanding the answer.

“Just wanted me to take a look at his car, that’s all,” Aaron lied, not really sure himself why he did.

“Well, he can go to another garage. We don’t serve any Sugdens. Understood?”

Aaron just nodded his head, as if he did understand. Cain walked inside the garage, still looking agitated. Aaron stayed where he was for a moment, biting his lower lip as his eyes wavered towards the blond man, who was walking away from him. He started to realize he had to stay as far away from Robert as he could, or he would be in big trouble and not because he wanted to deck him.

He needed to do something about these boiled up feelings or he would do something he might regret. And he knew exactly what he needed to do to get these feelings out of his system.


	4. It gets out of hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I am back! Sorry it took me so long to upload this. I was writing other stories, so couldn't find the time to finish this chapter. But here it is, so enjoy!
> 
> Warning: There is a court scene in this chapter, which can be triggering for some people. If you will be, please do not read this part as it has (mild) descriptions of rape.
> 
> Since I know close to nothing about the English law system or trials and how they are played out, it may not be totally realistic, but I did the best I could!

“Just let them stare,” Robert said, when he noticed Andy looking towards the Dingles for the third time in two minutes. Robert had noticed Debbie had brought almost the whole family with her, but had also noticed Aaron wasn’t there. Part of Robert was glad Aaron wasn’t there, especially after what had happened, or almost happened, at the garage. But he couldn’t ignore the disappointment that had settled in his bones. 

He had tried to stay as far away from Aaron as he could the last few days. The only thing he had seen from him was when he had come out of a cab this morning, when Robert was leaving for court with Andy, Victoria and Diane. 

“I can’t just ignore them. I can feel their piercing eyes in my back,” Andy answered, as he looked up again. 

“Stop looking,” Robert hissed, before he sighed. “It’s exactly what they want, they're just trying to unnerve you.” 

“Well, it’s working,” Andy responded. 

Then the doors opened, so they could enter. Robert put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You’re ready?” 

Andy looked everything but ready, but he did nod and mumbled: “Yeah.” 

Robert nodded and Andy was brought inside. He made his way towards the balcony with Victoria and Diane and were crossed by Debbie, who would make her statement today. 

“Good luck. You’ll need it,” Robert muttered at her. Her eyes shot up to his face, but she didn’t react as she walked passed them. 

When he reached the balcony doors, which the Dingles had closed behind them, he opened them for his sister and Diane and was about to follow them when something caught his eye. Aaron ran passed him towards the bathroom and disappeared inside. Before Robert knew what he was doing, he had closed the doors to the balcony and followed Aaron towards the bathroom. 

xXx 

Aaron tried to fix his hair, as he looked into the mirror to do it right, trying to catch his breath at the same time. He still couldn’t believe he overslept. He knew he should’ve stayed home last night, but he had been on edge all week after Robert’s visit to the garage and yesterday evening he had had to get out of the house to release some tension. 

“You’re late,” an all too familiar voice stated from the door and Aaron could feel his skin crawl by the sound of that voice. But not willing to show how his voice made him feel, he looked via the mirror at him with a dark scowl on his face. 

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious,” Aaron shot back at him. Robert was leaning casually against the wall, wearing a maroon suit which fitted him way too well. 

“Saw you coming home against midday, must’ve been a great night out,” Robert commented. 

“What’s it to you? Are you keeping track of me now as well?” Aaron shot back. He couldn’t really ignore the annoyance which had settled in his chest. He had tried to forget about this man all week and had almost succeeded, had even had a pretty good one-night stand, until he had woken up this morning next to a man whom looked a little too much like Robert for his liking. 

“No,” Robert replied quickly, almost defensive, and Aaron wondered for a moment why he did, until he decided it wasn’t something he should care about. 

Aaron tried to ignore him as much as he could as he put his shirt in his trousers and put his suit jacket on. 

“You know, you don’t have to wear a suit. You’re not the one standing trial,” Robert remarked, as he took a few steps forwards. Aaron just wished Robert would stay where he was or would just leave him alone, as he could feel heat pooling up in his gut, his heart fluttering lightly, knowing damn well, they were alone in a small room. 

“Shut up,” Aaron replied, knowing all too well Robert was right. He put the tie on the wash basin, before adjusting the collar of his suit jacket and wiping the imaginary creases out of his jacket. When he looked up he noticed Robert was still looking at him via the mirror. 

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Aaron remarked, knowing damn well he was enjoying Robert’s gaze on him way too much. 

Robert looked a bit caught out for a second, until his face smoothed out. His voice was calmer than Aaron had ever heard before when he said: “You know, if you would just give me a chance. I think we could be mates.” 

Aaron hadn’t seen that coming, had not in a lifetime expected for Robert to say they could be friends. He didn’t really know what to say to him, he just huffed out a laugh, trying to laugh off the awkwardness he was feeling. “Yeah, right.” He put the tie around his neck and pulled up the collar of his shirt. 

“I’m serious. We might just get on.” 

“I don’t think so,” Aaron declined. Being friends with Robert was the last thing he needed, especially because he tried to tell himself he was not attracted to the man at all. Being friends with the man would only end up in disaster. 

Robert sighed, sounding partly annoyed, partly disappointed, which surprised Aaron. “Fine. Suit yourself.” He walked towards the exit and somehow Aaron opened his mouth before he could stop himself: “Fine, I’ll think about it. How about that?” 

Robert stopped when he was almost at the door and turned around. His eyes focused on Aaron’s face as if he was looking for something, as if he was trying to figure something out. At last he seemed to give up, because he started to frown, before he said: “Alright. That’s good enough for me.” 

Aaron smiled lightly, but it was a real smile this time, not a forced one, which seemed to elicited a smile from Robert as well. Robert’s eyes lit up and for a moment Aaron was taken aback by how beautiful he looked. 

Aaron snapped out of it as he realized he was staring at the man again. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, as he turned towards the mirror, realizing he really needed to be somewhere and his mother was probably wondering where he was as he had promised to be there. He tried to tie the tie around his neck, but failed two times, getting frustrated and nervous because Robert was still standing there, looking at him. 

Robert walked over to Aaron after the third time Aaron failed, tutting as he saw Aaron struggle with it. “Here. Let me.” 

“No, thanks. I can do it myself,” Aaron grumbled. 

“Well, you’re not very good at it,” Robert countered, a laugh in his voice. Aaron shot him a look which made Robert sigh, before he said: “Promise I won’t strangle you with it.” 

Aaron huffed out a laugh, before he indulged: “Fine.” 

Although he wasn’t going to admit it, Aaron let go of the silk fabric with all too willing hands, but he froze on the spot when Robert stepped in close, re-loped the tie around his neck, brow furrowed in concentration as he set to tie it again. The gesture was intimate, and the moment lingered just a bit too long and Aaron could only stare at Robert, his face so close, Aaron could see all the small freckles on his face. He could smell Robert’s aftershave, mingled with the scent of laundry with a light smell of coffee. His breathing hitched as his eyes came to rest on Robert’s lips. Aaron wanted to kiss him, felt tempted, so damn tempted, to do all the things he’d been holding back. Just to see what would come of it, if anything could. 

At that moment Robert looked up and Aaron could see it in Robert’s eyes, the same want and lust. The air felt electric as they stared at each other and Aaron knew the lust in Robert’s eyes was reflected in his own. Before he knew what was happening, Robert pushed him backwards and Aaron’s back collided with the wall. A second later Robert’s lips were pressed against his own. 

It all happened so fast Aaron couldn’t even find it in himself to pull back himself. It honest to God felt so familiar, Robert’s mouth warm and insistent on his, hands in his hair, on his face, all heat and lust, open mouthed kisses that left Aaron robbed of oxygen, struggling to keep a grip on what was exactly happening as he could do nothing more than kiss Robert back, his fingers tangling in the flaps of Robert’s suit jacket. 

Because this was not meant to happen. They hated each other, they should hate each other, for their families were clashing over something terrible. This, Robert’s mouth on Aaron’s, Robert’s nose bumping Aaron’s, Robert’s heaving chest underneath Aaron’s hands, this was not meant to happen. Aaron had told himself this attraction he felt towards Robert had only existed in his head. But as Robert’s tongue slipped inside and Robert moaned low in his throat, Aaron knew that that wasn’t true, that this felt way too good. 

The weight of Robert pressed against him, warm and pliant, suddenly felt too much to take, too many feelings at once rushed straight through Aaron’s chest, like he was stuttering back to life after years of hibernation. And he really could do this for days. He could forget about court, about the trial, forget about his family, forget about all of it, and do this for days and days and… 

The thoughts about his family made him reel back, pushing Robert away from him, missing Robert’s warmth the moment Robert let go of him. They both just stared at each other, both out of breath, their clothes dishevelled. He read the same emotions in Robert’s eyes which were coursing through his own body. It took a few seconds for Aaron to gather enough brain cells but eventually he pushed himself away from the wall, tearing his eyes away from Robert’s intense gaze. He moved to stand in front of the large mirror, straightening his tie, fixing his collar, trying to ignore the huge notion of how utterly fucked everything had just become and how the hell he had ended up in this whole mess of a situation. He feigned interest in his reflection in the mirror, fixing his hair, readjusting his suit jacket, telling his eyes not to waver back to Robert, whom was still standing in the exact same spot, feeling his eyes piercing into him through the mirror. 

It was only when he heard the door to the men’s box open and close, he dared to look up. Robert had left the room. Aaron just didn’t know if what he felt was relieve or disappointment. 

xXx 

“Where were you?” was the first thing Chas said when he joined his family on the balcony, ignoring the looks his family shot at him as he sat himself next to his mother. 

Aaron almost rolled his eyes, by the accusing tone in his mother’s voice, although he could feel his face heating up as well, knowing damn well what he had just done. “I’m sorry. I overslept.” 

“If you would’ve been home, I would’ve woken you up.” 

“Yeah, but I wasn’t, was I?” 

“You know how important today is.” 

“Will you stop going on about it, I am here now, aren’t I?” He noticed Chas’ sighing inwardly, but was glad she seemed to let it go for now. His gaze wavered to Robert for a moment, who was sitting on the other side, a bench higher. He wasn’t looking back at him, but was looking down at his brother who was already seated. Aaron’s mind brought him back to those few minutes in the bathroom and his heart started to pound in his chest. As if Robert felt his eyes on him, his gaze snapped up and stared right back at him. Aaron gulped quietly, reading exactly the same thing in his eyes as he had done in the bathroom, unchained lust. 

“Where are you looking at?” Chas suddenly asked, making him snap out of it so his gaze landed on his mother. He didn’t really know what to say, so he stammered a bit, moving uncomfortable on his seat: “Nothing… I just… where’s Debbie?” 

Now Chas sighed outwardly, as if she was wondering why she put up with him for so long. “She needs to testify today, you know this. I told you yesterday morning. In fact, you are just in time, they were about to begin,” She sounded almost accusing and Aaron wanted to say something back, but at that moment the judge arrived and they were told to stand up. When they had finally taken their places again, Debbie’s lawyer stood up from his place and started his speech towards the jury: 

“In this case, the defendant, Andy Sugden, will be found guilty if you can be sure that Deborah Dingle did not consent to sexual intercourse with him and that Mr. Sugden did not reasonably believe she consented.” 

A door opened to the right and Debbie was brought in, wearing a stiff grey skirt suit. Aaron noticed her eyes flickered to Andy for a moment, before she took her place on the stand. She was asked to swear the oath and she did as she was told. 

Debbie’s lawyer got up from his seat and started to question her. He started with simple questions, like how long she had known Andy, if she would call him a friend and if she trusted him. 

“I used to,” Debbie answered to the last question, her eyes wavering to Andy for a moment. 

“On the night of question could you describe for us please, his demeanour, his manner,” the lawyer asked. 

Debbie nodded her head shortly, before she spoke again: “Yeah, he was… he was a bit down. He’d had an argument with his girlfriend, Bernice Blackstock.” 

“You said in your statement, he only came over to return something, but he ended up staying. Why was that?” 

“He came over to return Jack’s stuffed animal, which he had forgotten at Andy’s place. When he came in I could tell he was quite emotional.” She sighed for a moment, before she continued: “Well, I could tell he could use someone to talk to, so I offered him a drink.” 

“What happened then?” 

“We talked. We talked about how me and my boyfriend had just split up, because he cheated on me. And we talked about how his new girlfriend didn’t think he was over his wife. She died about six months ago,” she explained towards the jury. 

Aaron knew that it had been tough on Andy to lose Katie like that. He knew Andy had seen her as the love of his life. Andy had mourned for her for months, hardly speaking to anyone, almost losing everything in the process. Her death had broken his heart. 

Meanwhile the interrogation continued: “What were your feelings towards Mr. Sugden at that moment?” 

Debbie seemed to need time to think about that question. “I suppose I felt sorry for him.” 

“What happened then?” 

“He poured me another glass of wine and we just talked some more,” Debbie answered. 

“In total how much wine do you think was consumed?” 

“About four glasses.” Aaron noticed the lawyer of the defence wrote something down and Aaron knew it was a bad thing alcohol was involved. It shouldn’t matter, but he knew the law, he knew how it worked. They would use everything against you if you weren’t careful. 

“What was your condition as a consequence for drinking that wine?” 

“Well I was a bit drunk, but I wasn’t of my face or anything.” Debbie replied, almost sounding a bit defensive. Aaron frowned with worry, he really hoped Debbie could hold her calm exterior, because he knew the questions from the defence would only be harder and crueller. 

“What happened next?” 

“We talked some more. He told me it was my boyfriend’s lose it was over and he leaned in to kiss me. I backed down for a moment. And then I leaned in and kissed him. We made out for a few minutes. Then I moved away from the kiss because I thought I heard something, a door closing. And he went to check. I followed him a moment later. When I came upstairs Andy told me there was nothing to worry about and so I took his hand and took him to the bedroom.” Aaron hated to hear all of this. It was all too much. He couldn’t imagine how it must be for Debbie to relive all that, to have to go through every single detail of a night that had brought her nothing but pain and heartbreak. 

“What were your intentions when you took Mr. Sugden to the bedroom?” 

“Intentions?” Debbie looked a bit taken aback by the question and Aaron bit his lip worriedly as she spoke on: “I suppose I wanted to get back at my boyfriend. He had slept with someone and I just thought that I could hurt him by sleeping with someone else too. But I changed my mind.” 

“And did you tell the defendant that you changed your mind?” 

“Yes. I said that we shouldn’t be doing this,” Debbie replied. 

“And how did he respond?” 

“He just carried on.” 

“He just carried on,” the lawyer repeated as if to make a point. 

“I tried to tell him to stop,” Debbie added after a moment. 

“Please, tell the court what happened next.” 

“He raped me, that’s what happened.” Aaron’s stomach tightened and he felt sick to stomach when she said those words out loud. 

“No further questions, your honor.” 

Then Andy’s lawyer stood up and started her own interrogation. “Do you know Cameron Murray, miss Dingle?” 

Aaron frowned his forehead. He had tried to forget that name as much as possible and wondered why he was brought back up and when he glanced sideways he noticed Chas and Cain were just as confused, worried and hurt about this as he was. 

Debbie looked confused and hurt for a moment as well, before she contained herself again and answered the question: “Yes.” 

The worry grew in Aaron’s chest as he wondered why this man was mentioned in this case, an uncomfortable feeling settled in his stomach as he knew that it could never be a good thing. 

“Can you explain how you know him?” 

“I had a relationship with him.” Aaron’s eyes moved worriedly towards Cain. He wasn’t liking this one bit, knowing Cain probably was worried sick about where this was going. He was right. Cain’s jaw was clenched and he looked like he could jump down to strangle Andy with his bare hands, the worry and pain visible in his eyes. 

“Could you please tell us what happened in this relationship.” 

“He was having an affair while he was with me,” Debbie explained and Aaron could read the hurt on her face. 

“I see,” and the tone in the lawyer’s voice made Aaron’s skin crawl. “What happened when you found out he did have an affair with your… aunt, I believe?” Aaron just shook his head in disbelieve, could hardly comprehend she knew all of this. 

“I was angry… and hurt, of course.” 

“Angry enough to trash his truck and set fire to his belongings.” It felt like there went a shock through the whole Dingle family and Aaron’s leg started to shake lightly, nerves coursing through his body, knowing exactly where this was going to lead to. 

“After you discovered the affair you wanted to teach this man a lesson,” the lawyer continued and Aaron knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to make Debbie look bad, trying to make her look like a crazy woman who took revenge on men in the most terrible ways if they crossed her and as his eyes settled back on Debbie, he knew it was working. 

“I didn’t like the idea that he had betrayed me.” Aaron noticed her hands were shaking and he knew it was still hard for her to talk about Cameron. “That man was a murderer and on top of that a cheat. He deserved everything he got.” 

“The offence asks for a break, your honour.” Aaron was glad the lawyer noticed Debbie was in no fit state to answer any more questions. He had seen the smile on the defense lawyers face. 

xXx 

Cain walked straight towards his daughter when they left the courtroom. “You’re okay?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine dad.” 

“I can’t believe they brought up Cameron,” Chas exclaimed, still looking shocked about the whole thing. 

“I don’t know how they could know about this,” Debbie replied. 

At that moment Robert walked past with Victoria by his side as Aaron looked on and their eyes met for a split second and suddenly Aaron realized something. Robert was responsible, he had told Andy’s lawyer about Cameron. “I do,” He mumbled out loud, only realizing he had done so when he heard Cain’s voice: “Of course. Sugden. We could’ve known.” 

Anger boiled up inside of Aaron’s chest and everything told him to throw Robert at the nearest wall and beat a confession out of him, but knowing that would have no use he stayed where he was. As he turned back around, he noticed his mum had put a calming hand on Cain’s upper arm to stop him from flinging himself at Robert. “Not now, Cain,” she whispered softly. 

“Not ever,” Debbie chimed in, her eyes focused on her father. “Let it go, dad. There is nothing you can do about it.” 

Before Cain could react, they were interrupted by Debbie’s lawyer, who wanted a word with her and before they knew it, they were seated on the balcony again as Debbie took her place again. 

The lawyer’s defendant got up again and continued: “You stated that you told the defendant; ‘we shouldn’t do this.’” 

“Yes, that is what I said,” Debbie answered and Aaron was glad she seemed a bit calmer now. 

“Why didn’t you just simply say no, or tell him to stop.?” 

Debbie looked confused for a moment. “I did.” 

“Which one? No or stop?” the lawyer pressed on. 

“Both,” Debbie said, but Aaron noticed she was looked quite hesitant. 

“Really? In your earlier testimony and the statement you gave to the police, you made no indication of saying either.” 

“He knew what I meant.” 

“He knew what you meant. How?” 

“The way it was said.” 

“After you both started to get undressed.” Aaron’s eyes widened in surprise. He hadn’t known this fact, hadn’t known Debbie had gone as far as to undress herself, hadn’t known they both had been undressed when Andy raped her. It hadn’t been mentioned by Debbie’s lawyer. This fact worried Aaron for no other reason than it was another thing they could use against her and he bit his lip when Debbie answered: “Yeah.” 

“Why didn’t you scream?” 

Debbie took in a deep breath as if she had to hold herself back, trying to stay calm. “Sorry?” she asked. 

“For help? You explained you went up to the bedroom but when you, as you stated, changed your mind, why didn’t you try to alert someone?” 

She looked nervous and confused, as Aaron realized she thought of the best way to respond to the question. “I just… I just froze.” 

Aaron’s heart seemed to sink when he heard Debbie say that, he felt so bad for her, that she had had to go through something like this, all on her own. 

“So you didn’t move?” Aaron sighed and rolled his eyes and he wondered if that lawyer was deaf. 

“I couldn’t believe anything like that was happening to me.” 

“So you didn’t try to fight the defendant off.” 

“I just told you, I froze,” Debbie pointed out and Aaron could hear Debbie was losing her calm exterior. 

“You describe a rather terrible ordeal.” 

“Because it was,” Debbie answered, her voice trembling lightly. 

“Not one a man or a woman should ever have to go through,” the lawyer continued as if Debbie hadn’t said anything. Aaron knew the woman was only doing her job, but he didn’t like her one bit. 

“No.” 

“Still it took you almost a week to report it. Why was that?” Aaron could feel the annoyance grow in his chest, couldn’t quite believe she would really use that against her. 

“I tried to come to terms with what happened.” 

“Trying to come to terms or trying to get your story straight?” the lawyer asked and Aaron’s mouth almost dropped open by that accusation. 

“You what?” Debbie asked confused and hurt. 

“How did your family react when you told them?” 

“I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell anybody,” Debbie replied. 

“But miss Dingle, you’ve just been raped. You were upset. And angry. How did you manage to go by your daily business?” 

“I managed.” 

“As if nothing had happened. Because nothing did happen. Did it, Miss Dingle?” 

Debbie looked totally taken aback for a moment. “I told you what happened,” she exclaimed. 

“Your boyfriend cheated on you and you wanted to teach him a lesson.” 

“At first, but then I changed my mind,” Debbie replied, frowning lightly. 

“Before or after you let Mr. Sugden undress you?” 

“After.” 

“Is it not the case that you actually changed your mind after you had sex with Mr. Sugden, because you, in your own words, don’t like to be betrayed. And then when you regretted what you’d done, you conducted a story to redeem yourself of any guilt.” The lawyer’s words sounded so plausible when she spoke them like that, Aaron’s skin began to crawl in an unpleasant way. He started to wonder if Debbie would even get her justice in the end when everything seemed to work against her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take a moment to tell me what you think! :)


	5. Crossing the line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!!! I hope you all like it! Thank you all so much for the kudos and for the comments! You are all amazing! <3

Robert waited with Victoria and Diane for Andy to be released after the first day of the trial. “I don’t think it went that bad, did you?” Diane asked, looking quite worn out and Robert realized she too was affected by this whole thing.

“I think it went well, all things considered,” Robert answered. He was glad it had gone the way it should’ve gone. At least it felt like they were a little closer to keeping Andy out of prison.

“I still think it was wrong of you to use Cameron Murray against her. That man had her traumatized,” Victoria pointed out. Robert sighed annoyed. He knew it wasn’t kind, but you didn’t win a war by playing fair. It had just been a necessary evil.

“You!” a voice from behind him exclaimed and he turned around to see Cain Dingle walking his way, a dark scowl on his face. Robert had to fight against himself to stay where he was, to stay grounded. He knew where this was about and he knew that Cain had a temper and he could end up with a black eye, or worse. Cain looked like he was ready to beat him to pulp, but at that exact moment, Andy appeared from the courtroom and his eyes immediately landed on Cain. Cain slowed down when he noticed who had just entered his vision.

At that same moment, Aaron was coming their way in a fast pace, half his family behind him.

Cain was still looking at Andy as if he would love nothing more than to kill him. “You think you can get away with it? Do you really think the jury would fall for any of it?”

“I really don’t want to do this now,” Andy said, sounding weary. He moved and took a step towards the exit.

“I don’t give a toss about what you want. You raped my daughter!” Cain replied, looking beside himself with rage.

“Look, it’s been a long day for all of us, why don’t we all just-” Diane started, but was interrupted by Cain. “Shut up, you old tart,” Cain snapped at her.

Victoria took a step towards Cain at once, stepping in front of Diane. “Who’d ya think you are? There’s absolutely no need to be so rude.”

“I just can’t believe you’re all defending him,” Chas chimed in, her eyes snapping darkly at Andy.

“And I can’t believe nobody thought about the fact that maybe she is lying,” Robert shot back, his eyes gleaming dark, stepping beside his sister.

“We have no reason not to believe her,” Aaron fired back, his eyes just as dark.

“We believe her hundred percent,” Sam Dingle suddenly jumped in.

“I can’t believe how you could all be so blind,” Robert snarled, getting worked up because his family was being targeted.

“It’s fine Rob. They’ll never believe us. Let’s just go home,” Andy said, stepping next to him, putting a hand down on Robert’s arm. Robert looked down at his brother and saw the weariness in his eyes.

“Of course we’ll never believe ya. Why would we?!” Chas exclaimed. Robert could feel the anger building up inside of him and noticed how Andy’s hand clenched around his arm as if he had a difficult time controlling himself as well.

“You are a lying, little scumbag,” Cain said, his voice low and dangerous.

“She wanted it just as much as I wanted it!” Andy suddenly spit out sounding hurt and angry and before Robert knew what was happening, Cain lashed out and Andy hit the wall with his back, a hand against his jaw, looking quite shocked.

A shockwave ran through all the attendees as Cain grabbed Andy by the shirt and swung his fist to punch him again. Robert was about to pull him off Andy, but suddenly Aaron was there, pulling Cain away from Andy. Robert noticed the strength it cost Aaron to hold him back, Cain’s eyes firing daggers at Andy, trying to pull himself away from Aaron’s grasp, until Sam grabbed Cain’s shoulder and pulled him back further.

“Go!” Aaron hissed, his voice low, his eyes landing on Robert for a moment. “Just go. Now!” He added, when nobody moved. Robert just nodded his head towards him in understanding and gratitude and guided his family out of the building.

xXx

Robert wrapped a tea towel around a package of frozen peas and handed it to Andy who pressed it against his jaw. Robert noticed it was already changing colour. Robert sat himself down in a chair and leaned forwards. “Do you want me to call the police? We can get him arrested for assault.”

“No. It’s fine. Just leave it,” Andy replied, moving the package a bit.

“But he-” Robert began, not completely understanding why Andy was so against it.

“Just leave it, Rob. Okay? I’ve got enough on my mind as it is,” Andy replied, looking slightly annoyed and completely worn out.

Robert sighed, but nodded his head. “Fine,” he agreed, before he stood up, taking his coat from up where he had draped it over the couch.

“Where are you going?” Victoria asked from the place she was sitting, as she looked up at him.

“Just something I need to do,” Robert mumbled, more to himself than anyone in the room, but Diane had heard him as she just walked passed him with mugs of steaming tea. “Nothing to do with the Dingles, I hope,” she replied, as she placed the tea on the table and turned around. “I think we had enough fuss for one day, don’t you think?”

Robert smiled lightly at her. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep myself in check this time, yeah?”

xXx

Aaron was reading a magazine at the kitchen table. Since he had come back from the courthouse, this was the first alone time he had and he didn’t like to admit it, but he was glad to be alone for a moment. He didn’t really like all those people around him all day, he endured it, because they were family and they needed him. But quite frankly he liked to be on his own. Now he finally had some time to think about what had happened at court and how it was possible Robert had pulled a stunt like that. He didn’t want to think about what had happened in the men’s room of the courthouse, as he couldn’t really believe it actually did happen and how he could’ve been so stupid to kiss Robert back. His stomach seemed to do a backflip when he thought about Robert’s lips one his, his body pressed against his own. But then he realized what he was doing and he clenched his jaw. Robert could’ve ruined Debbie’s whole case. Even without asking Robert, he knew Robert had told the lawyer about Cameron, he had read it in his eyes.

Robert was pulled out of his thoughts when the door to the front of the pub opened and Robert appeared in the doorway, closing the door behind him. Aaron ignored the way his heart seemed to jump up when his eyes settled on Robert’s face.

“I was just wondering if we could have a chat,” Robert asked, and if Aaron didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought Robert looked a little hesitant.

Aaron huffed and stood up from his chair, taking a few steps in Robert’s direction. “About how Andy’s lawyer suddenly seemed to know everything about Cameron, you mean,” Aaron fired, completely fed up with the whole situation, with all the mixed up feelings he had for this man, all the mixed up signals he got from this man. He just couldn’t deal with it. Not right now. Not after today. Not after seeing his whole family struggle and lash out like that. Not after he had to hold his own uncle back from attacking someone he had once called a friend.

Robert’s jaw clenched as if he was offended by something, but didn’t reply and Aaron knew he had guessed right, that it was true. “You’re not even going to deny it?!”

“I don’t want to deny it,” Robert replied, as if Aaron’s words didn’t affect him at all, as if he was proud of what he had done.

“Who do you think you are?! That you can just dig around in someone’s past like that and use it against them?!” Aaron exclaimed furiously.

“Don’t play the moral high ground with me, Aaron. From what I’ve heard you were not much better,” Robert shot back at him, his piercing blue eyes burning darkly. Aaron huffed out angrily, for a split second wondering what it was Robert had heard about him.

“You will do everything to let him walk free, won’t ya,” Aaron replied angrily. It wasn’t even a question, as he already knew the answer.

“Because he didn’t do anything! And yes you are right, I will do everything. Whatever the cost.”

“You know what, I heard things about you, but I thought maybe you changed. But you haven’t, have you?” Aaron asked. He felt so disappointed in Robert for some strange reason. It wasn’t like Robert owed him anything, it wasn’t like they were lovers or even friends. But it still felt like he had been let down by Robert in the most terrible way.

“Yes, because you know me, oh so well, don’t you?” Robert snarled, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“No. No, I don’t know you at all,” Aaron replied, suddenly realizing how true Robert’s words were, how he had thought he had understood Robert with one look, how he had seen something so familiar in him. But he had been proven wrong and he wondered how he could’ve been so blind.

Robert looked just as confused by Aaron’s confession as Aaron had felt, as if Robert hadn’t really meant his own words. “What are you saying?” Robert asked, frowning lightly.

“I’m saying that I don’t know you. Not at all. And I don’t want to know you. So leave me alone.”

“Aaron-” Robert started, looking highly confused now, maybe even a bit hurt. But Aaron shook his head internally. He was done, he had too much on his mind already. He couldn’t deal with Robert’s issues as well.

“What?” He shot at him as he took a step closer towards him. “Stay away. Stay away from me, stay away from Debbie, because if I ever find out you’d done something like this again, I swear to God, I won’t let you live it down.”

Aaron moved and shoved Robert out of the way with his shoulder, closing the door behind him with a bang.

xXx

Aaron sat down at the bar after a hard day’s work. He was glad with the physical exhaustion it brought him. He had thought all night and all day about the argument he had had with Robert. He knew he had been right for lashing out like that, but somehow he wasn’t able to forget the slightly hurtful look on Robert’s face.

Chas smiled at him, from behind the bar. “Hiya love. How was work?”

“Fine,” he just answered, before adding: “How did it go at court?”

It had been the second day of the trial. He hadn’t been able to be there, because he had had to work at the garage, making sure Ross and Dan weren’t making a mess of the Dingles business. But it had meant he hadn’t been able to be there.

Chas put a pint in front of him before she leaned with her hands on the bar. “I think it went alright. Sarah needed to testify today. And Pete as well.”

Aaron nodded and listened to his mother as she brought him up to speed about what had happened. Apparently Debbie had eventually asked Sarah if she had wanted to testify and she had said yes. Chas told him it had gone well. She had told the court she had seen her mother upset when she had gone downstairs the next morning and how she had been cleaning the whole house. She had even said Debbie had looked like she had been crying. But she had also said that she loved her father and that he wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“That’s when she told the court Robert had given her money to say something nice about her dad,” Chas smiled smugly and Aaron frowned his forehead, when Chas’ words sank in. “What?” he asked.

“Yeah, I don’t think he really took in consideration, she’s a child,” Chas responded happy and Aaron knew she was enjoying Robert’s miss step.

Aaron smiled lightly back at her, partly annoyed Robert had tried to pull a stunt again and partly happy it backfired this time. “How about Pete?” he asked, not willing to show his mum how his body reacted at hearing Robert’s name, how his name still made his heart beat faster and made his skin burn up.

Chas’ face clouded over and Aaron frowned worriedly. Chas sighed before she answered: “He tried to do his best and defend Debbie and I completely believe he really does love her. But at the end he couldn’t deny he couldn’t believe Andy would ever be able to do something like this. That he was a mate and he knew him well enough to know he wasn’t capable of doing this.”

Aaron shook his head in disbelieve. “That’s just great, ain’t it?” he answered bitterly.

“He did tell the jury he believed Debbie would never make any of it up, but I guess he heard she was trying to get back at him by sleeping with Andy and it hurt him pretty bad. I think he is just really torn by it all,” Chas said honestly.

Aaron just nodded his head. He could understand Pete being torn by all of it. Aaron’s phone suddenly buzzed and he took his phone out of his trouser pocket. He frowned his forehead when he read the text, although his heart seemed to make a jump when he realized from who it was. Robert.

_Meet me outside at the back. I’ll be waiting. Robert_

When he looked back up, he noticed his mum had just finished talking. “What?” he asked, distracted by the text and his own thoughts, wondering what Robert would want from him now, after he had told him to stay the hell away from him. He almost decided not to go, but he knew deep down he would go, as the warm feelings in his gut seemed to send warm tingles through his whole body.

“Never mind,” Chas replied, her eyes glistering and Aaron knew that look way too well. “Must be an interesting text if it gets you this distracted,” she said, her lips curling up into a half smile.

“It’s nothing,” Aaron replied, trying to act like everything was fine and as if he wasn’t itching to get up from his chair and meet Robert. Even after the stunt Robert had pulled, a large part of him wanted to go outside and meet him, although he tried to tell himself he would just go and tell Robert to stay away from him, as he clearly didn’t get the message.

“Is it the same person as where you stayed yesterday? Asking if you’d come around today as well?” his mother fished, trying to get answers out of him, he wouldn’t give in to her even if she would hold a gun against his head.

“Yeah, nice one,” Aaron snorted, before he got up, burying his phone back in his pocket.

“Where are you going?” Chas asked, sounding too curious for her own good.

Aaron rolled his eyes at her. “Outside,” he answered, taking one last sip from his beer.

“Ah come on babe. Why?” Chas responded, almost pouting and Aaron would’ve laughed if butterflies weren’t coursing through his body, making him all nervous.

“Because you’re nagging,” Aaron replied, before moving behind the bar.

“You can just tell me that you want to text your secret lover in private, you know,” Chas answered smugly.

Aaron turned around to look at his mum and huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, nice try,” he fired back, before disappearing to the back. He heard his mother’s voice, calling behind him: “Always worth the try!”

Aaron hesitated when he stood in front of the back door. He wondered what he was even doing. He was still mad at Robert and he had every right to be, but he couldn’t help but wonder what Robert wanted from him, why he would find the need to talk to him, because as far as Aaron was concerned there was really nothing left to talk about.

Even though he could still feel Robert’s lips on his lips when he closed his eyes and he might’ve had a wet dream about him the previous night, didn’t mean he could just forget what Robert had done. He just needed to tell Robert to stay away from him once again, because he clearly didn’t get the message the first time around.

Aaron took a deep breath, letting the anger he still felt for Robert, take over his body and stepped outside. It was dark outside; the sun had already set for the night. He could feel a movement at his right the moment he stepped outside and realized Robert had been waiting for him, leaning against the wall of the pub. Aaron’s eyes darkened by the sight of him, although Aaron couldn’t deny Robert looked good in a patterned light blue shirt and jeans that hugged his firm thighs, his mesmerizing blue-greenish eyes focused on him. He realized he was checking Robert out and it only made him more furious, now more at himself than at Robert really. So he wasn’t totally in control of his own mind when he spat out: “What do you want? I don’t want to talk to you.”

“So why’d you come if you didn’t want to talk to me? You could’ve just ignored my text,” Robert shot back.

Aaron had no idea what to say to that. Robert was right, but he hadn’t been able to ignore the text. He wanted to walk away, both embarrassed and annoyed by Robert’s words, but Robert’s hand on his chest stopped him. That small moment of contact made Aaron’s skin burn up at the place Robert touched him and he looked at Robert. Robert pulled his hand away and took a small step backwards.

“Sorry, that’s a default setting of mine, being a smart Alec,” Robert confessed and Aaron just huffed but stayed where he was. He buried his hands in his pockets and said, feeling not so annoyed as he had felt before: “So what do you want?”

“You were right. I shouldn’t have been digging in her past. I had no right. I am sorry.” Robert sounded sincere, but Aaron wasn’t willing to let it slide like that.

“Like the way you tried to bribe Sarah into saying nice things about Andy in court,” Aaron pointed out.

Aaron noticed Robert had the decency to blush. “Yeah, well, that backfired, didn’t it?”

Aaron huffed, but didn’t reply.

“I know it was wrong to do it, alright. You don’t have to tell me that,” Robert continued, when he seemed to understand Aaron wasn’t going to say anything else. Robert’s eyes wavered searchingly over Aaron’s face, as if he was trying to read him, as the silence dragged on.

“This is me trying to apologize here, Aaron. It would be nice if you could say something back,” Robert eventually said.

Aaron sighed, knowing Robert meant it, right now anyway. “You can’t just do things like this and expect me to forgive you for it.”

“I know, but I don’t really know what else to do to help him.” And Aaron could understand that. He understood that hopeless feeling. The need to do something, anything to help the person you loved. But Aaron also knew this wasn’t the way.

“What’s wrong with just being there for him? What good did you think this scheming would do? He will get his judgement, no matter what.”

“I would do everything to protect my brother, no matter what the consequences. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to go through all of this,” Robert reacted with fire in his voice.

“And Debbie does? What are you saying, that she just made it up?” Aaron hissed back, annoyance teetering on the edge of his voice.

“No, but we don’t know what happened. They were both drunk, Aaron,” Robert pointed out, his voice calmer than moments before.

“She isn’t confused, Robert,” Aaron commented harshly.

“So why would Andy say nothing happened? He is totally wrecked by these accusations. He didn’t do it,” Robert shot back defensively.

Aaron sighed heavily to release all the boiled up tension in his body. He hated it, he hated they were both so torn by this. They both had their own sides, they both had their own family. There was no way they would ever be able to find common ground when it came to this subject. They both knew that.

They looked at each other and Aaron saw the same conclusion buried in the depth of Robert’s eyes.

“So what now?” he asked, suddenly feeling worn out.

“I don’t know,” Robert sighed, sounding just as weary. “Maybe we should just see what the jury decides.”

Aaron just nodded at that, knowing there was no other solution for now. But there was just something he needed to say: “Fine. But you can’t play dirty. No tricks, no leaking information to the lawyer or judges again. I mean it, Robert. No more scheming.”

“Alright,” Robert agreed after a moment. “Fair enough.”

Aaron just nodded his head when Robert consented. They just stood there for a moment and Aaron could feel droplets falling down on his face and he realized it had started raining, the sky dark and clouded. Aaron swayed lightly as he glanced up at Robert, before he bit his lower lip, not really knowing what to say, but not willing to walk away either. When he looked up again, he noticed Robert was smiling lightly, his eyes twinkling.

Robert swayed lightly on his feet, before he mumbled softly, his voice honest: “Thank you, by the way, for pulling Cain of Andy.”

Aaron smiled lightly back at him, before he said: “Just didn’t think it would do the trial any good if Cain beats up your brother.”

Robert laughed softly at that. “True.” Then his voice turned serious and honest again. “You didn’t have to though.”

“Yeah, well…” Aaron mumbled, looking down at his shoes. He wasn’t really used to getting compliments and he was even worse at accepting them.

“I like that about you. Protecting your family, no matter what,” Robert continued in the same honest voice.

“You’re doing the same,” Aaron replied, his voice just as calm and honest as Robert’s.

Robert pulled a face. “Yeah well, I scheme and break rules to do it. You’re honest. You’re there, just plain and simple.” His voice turned softer, as if he was talking to himself. “You don’t have to try so hard.”

Aaron made a sound at that, which made Robert look up and raise his eyebrows in confusion. Aaron sighed, before he explained softly: “It wasn’t always like that.”

“Yeah? How?” Robert asked, sounding genuine interested.

“Let’s just say I wasn’t the easiest bloke growing up,” Aaron confessed softly, still feeling uncomfortable talking about it.

Robert smiled at that which made Aaron smile in return. “Can relate to that. Wasn’t really the sweetest teenager either.”

Aaron’s smile grew wider by Robert’s words and Robert’s turned wider as well, his eyes twinkling. His eyes were wavering over Aaron’s face and dropped unconsciously down to Aaron’s lips and Aaron’s stomach seemed to do a backflip as Robert’s eyes darkened lightly and the smile faded somewhat from his face. Robert took a step closer, invading Aaron’s personal space and suddenly Aaron felt hot all over even though rain was still falling down on them.

“Aaron?” Robert asked softly, his voice sending thrills through Aaron’s body as it sounded low and husky.

“Yeah?” Aaron breathed out, aware of how hoarse his own voice sounded.

Robert was standing so close he could feel Robert’s body warmth. Robert looked at him with hooded eyes, before he looked down at his lips and up to his eyes again, all the while Aaron’s heart was hammering away against his chest. Robert’s voice was only a whisper when he said: “I just…”

Aaron’s breath hitched as Robert leaned forward and brushed their noses together. Robert’s eyelids dropped to the point where he looked half-asleep, pupils dilated, lips red and open, breathing out steam in the cold air, a half-smile around his lips. Rain glistened in his hair, as it hadn’t stopped raining. His gaze did that same drag down to Aaron’s mouth that it had done before, only now it was entirely purposeful and planned. And Aaron knew exactly what it meant and exactly what to do about it.

He wasted absolutely no time in pulling Robert in by the flaps of his coat, bringing their mouths together in a single, swift kiss.

The kiss was softer than the one they had shared before, but more sure at the same time. It was the gentleness of it that truly hit Aaron, stroke him to his core until he was made of nothing but want. When he’d envisioned kissing Robert again, it’d always been hot and hungry but this felt…delicate, almost tender. Robert swooped downwards for a slow kiss and then back up for air, then down again, his fingers pressing softly against Aaron’s jawline, until the tension between them snapped and Aaron licked into Robert’s mouth like he would die if he didn’t, the sensation of Robert’s warm mouth a delicious pressure.

Robert’s hands were holding his face now, his long fingers resting at the nape of his neck. Aaron’s hands were still wrapped around Robert’s coat. The rain kept on falling, but Aaron didn’t feel it, all he was aware of was Robert’s warm body pressed against his own, Robert’s mouth on his, the low sounds which were leaving Robert’s throat, the shudder of want which Aaron could feel running through Robert’s body.

He wanted to take him home, he wanted to drench himself in this feeling, wanted to know how Robert would feel against him without the obstruction of clothes, wanted to feel those long fingers on his naked skin, wanted to feel…

“Rob? What are you…” They pulled back at the same time, hearing that voice and they both turned around to see Victoria standing there, as Aaron could feel his face turning red.

“Oh,” was all she said when she realized who had been kissing her brother, her expression completely blank. “Sorry,” she stammered after a moment of complete silence before she turned around and walked away.

Aaron’s eyes wavered back to Robert and noticed he was staring after Victoria, his jaw clenched. As if he suddenly realized Aaron was standing right next to him, he snapped out of it and looked towards him. He looked like he was ready to run a mile and a cold shiver ran down Aaron’s spine. Robert’s voice was filled with tension when he finally spoke up: “I’ll talk to you later yeah?” He didn’t even wait for an answer, but followed his sister’s footsteps.

“Robert!” Aaron called after him, but Robert didn’t react and just walked onwards, leaving Aaron alone in the rain.

xXx

Robert entered his sister’s home moments after Victoria had. Andy wasn’t downstairs, had probably locked himself in his room, like he did half the time recently. Victoria was pulling of her coat when Robert entered the living room. He stood still a few feet away from her. And waited for her to turn around, but she didn’t, she just stood there in the middle of the room.

“Vic?” Robert murmured softly

Victoria turned around, but she still looked a bit dazed, as if she couldn’t really believe what she had just seen. “Since when are you gay?” she asked, getting straight to the topic, like she always did.

“I am not gay,” Robert sputtered, knowing that that was probably not true as he had just been kissing a man, not knowing why he would deny it like this. Maybe because it had become a second nature to him to do so.

“I don’t mind, you know, if you’re gay or bi,” Victoria stated earnestly, her eyes landing on Robert’s face, before she continued: “But how do you think Andy will react when he finds about you two?”

Robert snorted at that. “There is nothing to find out. It was just a kiss, Vic. No need to get all worked up about it. It meant nothing.”

“It didn’t look like nothing to me,” Victoria pointed out.

“Vic, I barely know the guy.”

“So that makes it alright then? I know you liked to sleep around back in the old days and I don’t care if you still do. But it’s not fair on Aaron, he doesn’t deserve to be used like this. And it is even worse towards Andy. Whatever you do after the trial is your business, but I am asking you to stay away from Aaron until after the trial. I don’t need you to get all tangled up in the Dingle family.”

Robert snorted. “No chance of that happening.”

“I mean it Rob. Promise me you’ll leave Aaron alone. If it’s not for his sake, then for your brother’s. The Dingles hate us as much as it is. We don’t need to give them another reason, for you using Aaron for your selfish ways.” Her face and tone were so serious; Robert couldn’t do much more than consenting. “I promise, Vic. Nothing’s going on, so I’ll stay away okay. It won’t be too hard to do so.”

He wondered if his words were really true and if Aaron hadn’t already found a way underneath his skin. He couldn’t really explain what was happening, but the moment he had met Aaron, there had been something he had never felt with anyone else. He hadn’t been able to stay away, even though Aaron had told him to. But he would try, for his sister he would try. He would stay away from Aaron. There was really nothing else he could do.


	6. Requests from the family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on a prompt I got from flawswelove on tumblr! Thank you all for the kudos and for the amazing comments! But above all, thanks for reading! Enjoy the new chapter! <3

Robert was leaning with his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, looking straight ahead. Thinking. He really didn’t know what to do. He had promised Victoria yesterday to stay away from Aaron. And he should, he really should, because getting involved with a Dingle right now was the worst thing he could possibly do at this moment. Still, the urge to go outside and search out Aaron was huge and he started to wonder how he had let it get this far out of hand. 

It was not like him to get so attached. He’d only known the guy for a few weeks. He didn’t even know how it happened, but somehow Aaron had gotten underneath his skin. He was the only one who talked back at him, who pointed out his mistakes. He was the only one who had made him feel bad about the whole Cameron thing. Aaron challenged him, made him see his own flaws. It was such a new experience for Robert, he felt like he needed more of that, needed more of Aaron. He wanted to get to know him better, wanted to try and understand him. 

He knew there was so much more to Aaron than his rough exterior, he had seen it with his family, yesterday, when they had talked. Aaron intrigued him. 

The only problem was, their families seemed to be having an unspoken war going on. And he’d promised his sister to leave Aaron alone. He knew Victoria wouldn’t tell anyone, she had told him that much. But he didn’t want to let his sister down, as she was one of the few persons who saw something good in him. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard soft footsteps on the stairs and Andy appeared in the doorway. “Hiya,” Robert started, getting up from his chair, feeling a bit caught out by Andy, although Andy would never be able to tell what Robert had been thinking about. “You want some coffee?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not,” Andy replied, as he walked inside the living room. Robert crossed his path and ten minutes later he returned with two mugs of coffee. Andy had sat himself down on the couch and looked deep in thought, as he always did recently. Robert handed him his coffee. “Here ya go, mate.” And sat himself down in the chair he had been sitting in before. He took the paper off of the table and started to read through it, at least he tried to, although he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. He wondered what Aaron was up to right now. It was weekend, so the trial was at a break right now. It would go on next Monday, as, of course, the court was closed in the weekends. 

“Rob?” Andy suddenly asked, and Robert looked up, folded his paper and placed it back on the table and took his coffee mug from the table. “Yeah?” he asked hesitantly, wondering what Andy was about to say.

“Can I ask you for a favor?” Andy looked up at him with a question in his eyes and Robert frowned his forehead. He didn’t like being asked for a favor, not even by his brother. 

“Yeah, sure,” Robert answered nonetheless, looking at Andy, as Andy looked down at his own hands. Every time Robert looked at his brother, it hit him how tired he looked, how absolutely broken. He wished he knew how to fix it all. Knowing he couldn’t, made it even harder to see his brother like this, day in, day out. 

Andy’s voice was rough and small when he finally spoke up: “Can you check on my kids for me? She won’t let me see them. I just need to know if they are alright.”

Robert was taken aback by Andy’s question and he needed a moment to think about what he needed to say to Andy’s request. “Why’d ya think she would let me see them?” The last time he had talked to Sarah alone, he had given her money to tell the court what a good father Andy was. He didn’t think Debbie was going to be thrilled to see him.

Andy’s eyes shot to Robert’s face, a pleading look on his face. “Please Rob. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate.”

Robert looked at his brother, seeing the desperation in his eyes. Knowing he couldn’t deny him this, he sighed inwardly, before he replied: “Alright. Yeah. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, Rob. I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you.” Presumably the disbelieve Robert felt after Andy’s words were written on his face, because Andy added: “I mean it, Rob. Thank you.”

Robert nodded slowly, not really knowing what to say. 

xXx

Robert took a deep intake of breath. He was standing in front of Debbie’s house, like he promised. He knew he would get turned down the moment she would open the door, presumably slam the door in his face after what he had done with Sarah. Andy had been mad at him as well, when he had found out, but he had understood why Robert had done it. But Debbie… That would definitely be a completely different story. 

He had known from the moment he had said yes to Andy, this would be useless. But knowing he had to try for his brother, he was standing here right now. He took another intake of air, before he knocked on the door, bracing himself for what was about to come. 

A few seconds passed, before the door opened and Aaron appeared in the door opening. 

“Robert,” Aaron said, surprised. 

“Aaron,” Robert replied just as astonished, when he realized who had just opened the door. He hadn’t expected to see him, had promised himself to try and stay away from him. But it looked like faith was playing a sick game with him. He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering for a moment, taking in Aaron’s muscular body, that was now covered by a dark hoodie, his rough stubble and his ocean blue eyes which were focused on him, with a mistrustful look, as if he was a bit guarded. 

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asked, holding the door, as if he was trying to withhold Robert from just bursting inside, which hurt Robert more than he wanted to admit to himself.

“I could ask you the same question,” Robert shot back, although he smiled in amusement.

“Debbie asked me to look after the kids. She’s at Cain’s at the moment, needed some time for herself,” Aaron clarified, and Robert could tell that Aaron wondered why he would even tell Robert this, before Aaron’s brewing blue eyes settled on him again, making Robert’s skin crawl with want. “What are you doing here?” Aaron asked again.

“I came to see the kids. Can I come in?” Robert asked, trying to keep his voice light, as if it was the most normal thing in the world he would come to visit his niece and nephew.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Aaron countered calmly, but stern.

“Ah come on, Aaron. You know me. I won’t hurt them,” Robert tried.

Aaron’s eyes darkened a fraction and Robert knew in an instant he had said the wrong thing. “I know that. But you know exactly why I can’t just let you barge in here. Besides it’s complicated enough for them already.”

“So you want to make it as normal for them as possible, right? They’ll think it’s normal to see me.”

Aaron huffed out a laugh, but continued to stare at him, unmoved.

“Alright they won’t, but they are my niece and nephew, I just want to know how they are doing.”

Aaron just leaned against the door post, raising one single eyebrow in reply and Robert knew Aaron was seeing right through all his bullshit. He realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere if he didn’t just tell Aaron the truth.

Robert just sighed, before he spoke again: “Fine. He just wants to know how they are doing. Please Aaron. You know I wouldn’t ask otherwise.”

Aaron stared at him for a moment, as if he was contemplating what to do, before he sighed, while his shoulders lost some of their tension. “Fine. You’ve got ten minutes.” He opened the door wider and let Robert enter, before he closed the door behind them. 

Robert noticed Sarah and Jack were sat around the table, with a board game in front of them on the table. “Never took you for the ‘playing board games’ type,” Robert joked, his eyes landing on Aaron again. 

Aaron’s cheeks turned slightly red, while he shrugged his shoulders, but Robert noticed the small smile around his lips, which made Robert’s heart jump up for some reason. 

That’s when Sarah noticed him. She stood up from the ground and walked towards him. Without any greetings, she said: “Can you make pancakes? We were gonna make pancakes, but Aaron says he can’t cook.”

“Did he, now,” Robert replied jokingly. Robert eyes wavered to Aaron’s face again and he noticed Aaron rolled his eyes. It almost made him laugh out loud. “Well then, I think it is my duty to help you out.”

Aaron just shook his head, his expression both amused and worried. 

Sarah’s face lit up with joy, while she said: “Great! I’ll show you around in the kitchen.”

She disappeared towards the kitchen, clearly wanting Robert to follow her, but before he could even move, he was stopped by a hand gripping his elbow. “I don’t think this is such a good idea.” Aaron was looking at him with a serious expression on his face.

“Aaron, relax. I will be gone before you know it,” Robert answered, trying to convince Aaron it was going to be okay. 

Aaron still didn’t look convinced. “If Debbie finds out…”

“She won’t,” Robert interrupted convincing. 

Aaron let go of a shuddering breath, before he nodded his head once. “Fine.”

A smile spread over Robert’s face, not really sure why he wanted to stay. He wasn’t particularly good with kids. He tried to put the thought, it had everything to do with Aaron, as far away in his mind as possible. He turned around and walked into the kitchen, taking of his coat, ready to make some pancakes. 

xXx

Aaron was building a castle with Jack when he heard laughter coming from the kitchen. He got up, pulling Jack up into his arms, carrying him towards the kitchen. He walked in just to notice Sarah throwing a pancake in the air. When she noticed him, she put the pan back on the stove and said cheerfully: “Did you see that? I threw a pancake in the air.”

“I saw. Where did you learn that?” Aaron asked, while his gaze drifted off to Robert, already knowing the answer.

“Uncle Robert taught me. He is very good.”

“Bet he is,” Aaron replied, his eyes still focused on Robert, who was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face, although he was smiling lightly. Aaron looked away, feeling awkwardly exposed under Robert’s gaze, his eyes drifting back to Sarah.

“Mom never lets me turn them, she thinks it’s too dangerous. Dad said I could turn them when I turned twelve.”

Aaron and Robert shared a look, before Aaron broke off their eye contact and asked, trying to break the awkward silence after Sarah’s words: “So do you want me to set the table?” 

“Yeah,” Robert replied, clearing his throat lightly, before he added: “Shall I take Jack from you?”

“Yeah, okay,” Aaron mumbled. Robert walked towards him and took Jack from him, their hands brushing lightly. A warmth spread from Aaron’s fingers through his whole body when his skin made contact with Robert’s. He pulled back and tried not to think too much of it, setting his mind to setting the table. When he looked at Robert again, the picture of Robert holding Jack hit him hard. It was crazy to think of Robert with children, still he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. 

xXx

Robert brought the plate with pancakes to the table, while Sarah brought the different toppings to the table. Aaron helped Jack on his chair, before Aaron’s eyes caught his. 

He wasn’t going to ask if he could stay. If Aaron wanted him to go, he would go. But he wasn’t going to put Aaron into that position where he couldn’t really say no to him. And Robert knew he wouldn’t be able to if he asked.

Eventually it was Sarah who asked: “Can he stay?” She moved her head towards Robert. Aaron’s eyes wavered to Robert once more and Robert felt his skin crawl by the silent attention. It seemed like Aaron was trying to figure out what to do, but eventually he nodded once and said: “Yeah, sure. Why not.” But Robert noticed the small smile that crossed Aaron’s features and it released thousands of butterflies inside his stomach. 

They all sat themselves down at the table and Robert gave everyone a pancake. He noticed how Aaron made sure Jack’s pancake was done first, before he put syrup on his own. Sarah took the syrup from Aaron after he was done with it and handed it to Robert after she was done. Robert poured it royally on his pancake, before taking his knife and fork. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” Sarah exclaimed, when Robert cut off a bit of his pancake and picked it up with his fork. 

Robert looked up confused and settled his eyes on his niece. “So how do I need to do this then?” Robert asked, kind of amused by Sarah, but at the same time wondering if he was going to like this part.

“You need to roll them, like this” Sarah explained, while she reached over to Robert’s plate. She rolled his pancake for him, making the syrup drip from both sides. 

“And now what?” he asked, already knowing and dreading the answer as he had seen her eating her pancake.

“Now you eat it. Like this.” Sarah picked up her own pancake in her hands and took a bite. Robert’s gaze wavered to Aaron for a moment and noticed Aaron was biting back a laugh, his eyes twinkling in amusement. 

Knowing there was no way out of this, without looking like a complete dick, Robert took the pancake of his plate and held it in his hand. He knew he should not look at Aaron right now, because if he did, he knew Aaron would burst out in laughter and Robert would start to feel even more embarrassed. So Robert ate his pancake without lifting his eyes from his plate, knowing how ridiculous he must be looking right now, syrup dripping from his chin and on his plate. But he kept eating it, until he was done, with some encouragements from Sarah. 

He cleaned his mouth with a napkin, before his eyes settled back on Aaron and noticed he had rolled his pancake as well, but had cut it in small rolls. Aaron was smiling lightly, before he said: “So you know how to make pancakes, but not how to eat them?”

“I used to be a chef,” Robert replied, licking a drip of syrup away from the corner of his mouth and he noticed how Aaron’s eyes were fixated on the movement, until he snapped out of it.

“You’re serious?” Aaron asked, sounding almost surprised.

“Yes,” Robert answered, amused that he had surprised Aaron. 

Aaron looked at him for another moment, before his eyes wavered to Sarah. “You want another one?” he asked. 

Robert noticed she was looking at Aaron with a serious expression on her face and when she finally spoke, Robert was totally taken aback by her question. “Dad hurt mommy, didn’t he?”

xXx

Robert and Aaron shared a look, both having not expected that question and both not really sure how to answer it. They both contemplated what they needed to say to this. Aaron was the one who eventually spoke up: “We don’t really know what happened. That is why they are in court now, to figure that out.”

“Does daddy have to go to prison?”

They shared a look again and Aaron knew Robert felt just as awkward about Sarah’s questions as he did, because how did you tell a child her father could possibly go to jail?

This time it was Robert who answered: “We don’t know. We have to wait for what the judges decide.” Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn’t expected for Robert to say that, had thought Robert would immediately say no.

“I don’t want daddy to go to prison. Why can’t they just talk it out? Mommy always tells me to apologize to Jack if I hurt him. Can’t they do the same?”

Aaron bit his lower lip and had absolutely no idea what he had to say to Sarah.

But Robert moved his chair so he could look directly at Sarah and leaned forwards so he could look into her eyes: “It’s a little more complicated than that. Your mom and dad don’t agree on what happened, so they need other people to help them figure that out.”

Sarah looked at Robert with a piercing gaze, one only children could pull off before she suddenly nodded her head: “Okay.”

“Okay,” Robert repeated, sounding relieved and Aaron could completely understand why. It was hard to explain this messed up situation to a child and he was glad Sarah seemed to understand it for now. 

xXx

“I am gonna take Jack upstairs, alright?”

Robert nodded his head: “Sarah, will you help me do the dishes?”

“Sure,” she sighed dramatically, which made Robert chuckle softly. He looked at Aaron, realizing he was still standing there and saw the soft look in his eyes, before Aaron realized he was being stared at and let his gaze drop, turning slightly red. He moved to the stairs with Jack and disappeared upstairs. 

Robert started the dishes with Sarah and they were done quicker than Robert had expected as he was helped by a child. Sarah was hanging her tea towel to dry when she suddenly spoke: “Can I watch a movie?”

Robert had to think before he answered, not really knowing if Aaron would agree if he said yes. But in the end he contemplated it didn’t really matter. “Alright, but first you’ve to clean up the board game you were playing before.”

“Fine,” Sarah sighed again and disappeared to the living room. Robert put the things away Sarah hadn’t been able to reach and started to clean up the counter when Sarah entered again. 

“Done,” she said happily, Robert had a quick look into the living room and noticed she was telling the truth. 

“Okay then. Go on and pick one out then. I’ll finish up here.”

“Yes!” Sarah exclaimed softly, which made Robert laugh. 

Sarah disappeared again and Robert followed a few minutes after her. He realized the moment he walked in, Aaron still wasn’t back, so he told Sarah to already start watching, before he moved up the stairs. He had to search for a moment for the right room, but eventually he found it and opened the door. 

Aaron was sitting on a small stool next to Jack’s bed, reading a story to the little boy. He was sitting with his back towards Robert, so he didn’t notice him as Robert leaned against the doorframe, as his attention was caught by Aaron’s voice. 

“When she woke with the first steaks of light she felt something stirring under her. Yes, there it was at last; and as she moved, an awkward bird tumbled head foremost on the ground. There was no denying it was ugly, even the mother was forced to admit that to herself, though she only said it was ‘large’ and ‘strong.’ ‘You won’t need any teaching when you are once in the water,’ she told him, with a glance of surprise at the dull brown which covered his back, and at his long naked neck. And indeed he did not, though he was not half so pretty to look at as the little yellow balls that followed her.”

Robert had absolutely no words for the feelings that awoke in his chest when he heard Aaron reading a story to a child. He had never thought he could ever feel this serene peace, this calm happiness and a part of him was scared by it, but another part of him never wanted the feeling to go away.

He noticed Jack was fast asleep, probably because of the soft rumbling of Aaron’s voice. Apparently Aaron noticed it too, because he closed the book he had been reading, stood up and placed a soft kiss on Jack’s forehead. Robert would never admit it to anyone, but he could’ve sworn his heart melted a bit at the sight.

When Aaron turned around, he stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed who was standing there. “How long have you been there?” Aaron asked softly, not willing to wake Jack up. 

“Just long enough to hear that you were reading ‘the ugly duckling’ to him,” Robert answered, in the same quiet voice.

Aaron turned up a corner of his mouth, while he put the book back on its place. He moved to get passed Robert and Robert let him, glancing in the room one last time to make sure Jack was really asleep, before he turned off the lights and closed the door behind him. 

“Where’s Sarah?” Aaron asked as they walked towards the stairs. 

“Downstairs. I told her she could watch a movie.”

Aaron just nodded his head, before he suddenly turned around and mumbled. “I had a text from Debbie, said she’s staying at Cain’s a little longer.” Aaron looked down to the floor, before he looked up, his voice turning slightly insecure: “So, was wondering if you wanted to stay a while longer?”

“Yeah, course I will,” Robert replied, without having to think about it. 

Aaron just smiled at his answer, before he descended the stairs, Robert following behind him.


	7. Building castles of sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos and the amazing comments! It all means so much to me! So here is the next chapter! Enjoy!

They had sat themselves down on the couch. Sarah was sitting in between them and was fixated on the film, while Aaron and he were hardly paying attention to it, stealing small glances when the other wasn’t looking, and smiling giddily to themselves each time they were caught. It was a very new yet familiar game of hide and seek, and it was strange, Robert realized, comparing this Aaron to the one he had come to know. The Aaron who was sarcastic and harsh. But this Aaron, this Aaron was quiet, bordering on shy. Not that Robert didn’t appreciate it, he found Aaron rather cute like this and it was fascinating to see this other, softer side to him. 

He knew he had promised Victoria to stay as far away from Aaron as he could, but it wasn’t like he purposefully had sought him out. He couldn’t really explain why, but he liked spending time with Aaron, felt like Aaron got him more than anyone else had ever done. 

When the film ended Sarah disappeared upstairs to get ready for bed and Robert was the one who checked up on her, fifteen minutes later, and found her reading in bed. She begged him to let her finish her chapter and Robert just smiled and agreed, but only after she promised she would turn the lights off when she was done. He told her he would check on her in ten minutes and moved downstairs again to find Aaron gone. 

“Aaron?” Robert called out, feeling a bit uncomfortable, standing in Debbie’s house with Aaron not there. 

“Yeah?” Aaron answered as his head appeared from the kitchen, his eyebrows raised as in question. 

“Nothing. Just wondered where you were,” Robert said, keeping his voice light, realizing how pathetic he must’ve sounded. 

“Missed me already,” Aaron joked, his eyes lightning up, which made Robert grin back stupidly, despite his own thoughts. 

“You wish,” he shot back and Aaron smirked, before he disappeared again. Robert sat himself back down on the couch as Aaron entered again, two beer bottles in his hands. He offered one to Robert, which Robert took gratefully. 

“How’s Sarah?” Aaron asked, as he plopped down on the couch, his eyes focusing on Robert, before he took a sip from his drink. 

“She’s fine. She’s reading in her bed. I’ll check up on her in a few minutes,” Robert replied calmly, taking a sip from his own bottle. 

Aaron frowned lightly and Robert wondered what he was thinking about. Aaron caught his staring gaze and bit his lower lip, as if he was contemplating if he should tell Robert what was on his mind. “I wish I could do something to help her, you know,” Aaron confessed softly and Robert realized he was referring to what had happened during dinner and her questions about her parents. 

“She’s not your kid, Aaron,” Robert pointed out. 

“She’s family. That’s enough for me,” Aaron shot back and by the look Aaron gave him, Robert realized he had said something wrong. 

“So how do you expect to help her?” Robert asked, knowing Aaron didn't have an answer to that question. 

Aaron shot him a dark look and Robert raised his eyebrows, faking innocence. Aaron sounded annoyed when he spoke, his eyes turning darker: “You know damn well, I don’t know how. I guess just being there for her.” 

Robert just nodded his head. He didn’t want to rile Aaron up and he knew he was doing that right now. He didn’t want to risk Aaron telling him to leave. He frowned lightly when he realized how pathetic that thought really was, knowing he should stop caring so much about what Aaron might think of him. But then again, he didn’t really have anywhere else to go than to Victoria’s place, which wasn’t one of the happiest places to be at the moment. Aaron was the only one who gave him a moment to breath. It made him not want to leave. “I suppose you’re right,” he mumbled. 

Aaron still stared at him, a considering look on his face, before he sighed and said: “Like I said yesterday, I think you can be there for your family as well, if you’d give it a chance.” 

Robert nodded, not sure if he believed in Aaron’s words, not really knowing if he could be that kind of person, not really sure if it would be appreciated. “Yeah, who knows,” he therefore answered vaguely. 

Aaron smiled lightly at him, before he bit his lip again and Robert knew he was mulling over a question. “So…what did Vic say?” 

Robert’s gaze dropped to the floor, he had not really expected that question, but knowing how he had left Aaron the night before, he should’ve known Aaron would want to know. But he didn’t really know how to answer that question, not really sure if he should tell Aaron what she had said. He didn’t want Aaron to know Victoria had told him to stay away from him. “Nothing really. Just told me I should not be taking you for a ride.” 

“And are you?” 

Robert looked up into Aaron’s honest blue eyes, which were asking him to speak the truth. 

“I wouldn’t still be here if I was, would I?” Robert replied, his words feeling more honest than he had thought they would be. 

“It depends,” Aaron replied, his eyes still focused on Robert’s face as if he was trying to read him. There was mistrust in his eyes, a question, but Robert wasn’t ready to share yet, had no idea himself what he was even doing or feeling when it came to Aaron. 

Robert placed his beer bottle on the table and moved a bit closer to Aaron and Aaron eyes shot up to his face when he did. He didn’t want to read that mistrust in Aaron’s eyes, so he felt like he had to explain himself to Aaron. He sighed: “Look, I didn’t intend to kiss you last night. It just kinda happened. I didn’t even know what it was I wanted, really, when I texted you.” 

“How did you even get my phone number?” Aaron asked, as he turned towards him, resting his elbow on the back of the couch, leaning his head against his hand. 

“Vic,” was the only thing Robert said. 

“Really? Vic gave it to you?” Aaron asked, not sounding convinced. 

Robert gave him a smug glance, a cocky smile around his lips. “I might not have asked for it,” Robert replied earnestly, but smoothly. 

Aaron shook his head, but he looked amused, which told Robert he didn’t particular mind. 

“You haven’t always lived in Emmerdale, have ya?” Robert asked after a moment of silence, feeling like he wanted to get to know Aaron a bit better. “I think I would’ve remembered it if you had.” 

Aaron smiled lightly before he shook his head. “Na, lived with my dad when I was younger. My mum took me in when he threw me out.” 

Robert frowned his forehead. “He threw you out? Why?” 

“Hit his wife, didn’t I,” Aaron answered, without hesitation. 

“Nice one,” Robert laughed. 

Aaron smirked, but Robert felt like it wasn’t heartfelt and for a moment he wondered why. 

“Yeah, well, like I said, wasn’t the easiest bloke growing up,” Aaron replied, a hurtful look crossed over Aaron’s face and Robert frowned, suddenly realizing there was more behind all of it than just a troubled teenager. “So…what happened then?” Robert asked, hesitantly. 

Aaron bit his lips for a moment, hesitatingly, before he spoke: “When I moved here I gave my mum a pretty hard time.” Aaron cleared his throat and looked away from Robert, his gaze dropping to his hands. “Then I found out I liked guys...It was tough for me, you know. To come to terms with it. Hurt a lot of people along the way, did some pretty bad stuff.” Aaron sighed before he continued, his voice soft: “There was this guy…Jackson…,” Aaron’s voice wavered and Robert could hear how hard it was for Aaron to say his name out loud, to relive old memories and Robert wondered what had happened. But he didn’t ask, knew Aaron well enough to know he would only stop sharing if he would, so he waited patiently for Aaron to go on. 

Aaron was looking down at his hands and Robert noticed they were trembling lightly. Aaron’s voice was nothing more than a low rumble when he continued: “He was the first guy I really fell for, but I didn’t want to be gay, so I lashed out at everything and everyone.” Robert could hardly hear what Aaron said next, but when he did hear it, it seemed like he wasn’t able to breathe properly anymore, Aaron’s words hitting him hard. “I even tried to kill myself.” 

“Jesus, Aaron,” Robert whispered. It wasn’t an accusation, but Robert couldn’t stop the words from falling from his lips, completely shocked and he realized how messed up Aaron must’ve been to do that to himself. 

“I was in a really bad place. Everyone tried to help me, Jackson most of all, with all the issues I had. But one day when we were out, he told me he loved me.” Aaron took a long breath, as if he needed time to steady himself. “I couldn’t say it back, wasn’t ready. We got into this huge row, he left and on the way back, he got hit by a train.” Robert noticed Aaron had to swallow and he realized Aaron was at the brink of tears. He wanted to do something, comfort him, but he had no idea how, could hardly comprehend what Aaron was telling him, so he just sat there, as he listened to Aaron’s voice, breaking: “It was bad, paralyzed from the neck down.” 

Robert sat frozen for a moment, no idea how to react to Aaron’s words. He saw Aaron taking in another deep, unsteady breath. “I’m so sorry, Aaron,” Robert eventually muttered softly. 

Aaron moved a shaky hand over his face, drying his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He cleared his throat before he continued, his voice a little stronger now: “Anyway, he tried to push me away, but eventually we were together and it seemed to go alright, you know, we were finally okay. Of course we had our bad moments but we were okay. Well, I thought we were. But then I found his video diary and found out he didn’t want to live anymore. And everything just… fell apart. I couldn’t lose him, I had just come to terms with everything. But he was determined, didn’t want to live the rest of his life paralyzed. The only thing was, he couldn’t do it alone. He needed someone to do it for him.” 

“Aaron-” Robert started, not sure what he wanted to say, not sure if he wanted to hear what Aaron was about to tell him. 

But Aaron didn’t seem to hear him, was lost in a dark and painful past, the tears visible in his eyes, which made Robert’s heart ache. “So I did it. I killed him.” 

Robert’s chest tightened when he heard Aaron’s words. He couldn’t really believe it, could hardly imagine how hard that must’ve been for him, to help someone he loved, die. 

“I couldn’t really deal with it though, with the guilt. I lashed out at everyone again. Eventually I…hurt myself to release the pain, it was a way to escape from it.” Aaron looked down at the ground, as if he was ashamed for what he had done. 

Aaron shoulders tensed as he breathed: “I was in a very bad place back then, couldn’t handle it anymore, all the pain, the grief, the guilt. I just wanted it to be over.” 

“How did ya-” Robert started, but couldn’t get the rest of the sentence over his lips, had no idea what to even say or think at this moment. 

Aaron shrugged lightly, as if it didn’t really matter. “I just used everything that I could find.” 

“How did you stop?” Robert asked quietly: “How did you get passed all of it?” 

“My mum found out. She helped me deal with it. And Paddy. Wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for them. My family saved me, in more ways than one. Got into therapy and that helped. I’m stable now, have been for a very long time.” 

Robert just nodded, although he was almost certain Aaron didn’t see it. Aaron just took a deep breath and wiped away the tears, while Robert tried to gather his thoughts. Eventually he cleared his throat and said: “I heard you went to France. Why’d you come back? I mean, you must have some pretty bad memories here.” 

Aaron just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not all bad here, you know. And my family lives here, which is really all I have. Came back for Adam though, he got himself in some pretty bad stuff.” 

“So would you like to stay here the rest of your life?” Robert asked, somehow curious about Aaron’s answer. 

Aaron shrugged. “Never really thought about it. Not really against the idea though. Wouldn’t mind to have a house someday. Here in Emmerdale. With some dogs.” 

“And kids?” 

Aaron snorted: “As if I will ever have kids.” 

“There are many options, you know. Would you… you know, want kids?” 

Aaron’s eyes wavered to Robert’s and for the first time in ages, Aaron’s eyes locked with his. There was a look in his eyes, Robert wasn’t able to decipher. “Yeah. Maybe. One day. Who knows.” 

“I think you’ll be good with them,” Robert replied honestly. 

Aaron smiled lightly at that, but didn’t reply. 

Silence settled between them and Aaron started fidgeting with his hands and shaking his leg, as if he was nervous or agitated. And as Aaron’s eyes shot to Robert’s face and moved away, Robert started to understand, Aaron was worried he had said too much, worried he had scared him off. “Andy killed my mum.” The words had left his mouth before he could stop them. 

“What?” Aaron asked confused, his head shooting up, his eyes finding Robert’s, before he frowned lightly. 

Robert looked down, played with his fingers and sighed. “He didn’t do it on purpose, but he did kill her.” 

Robert took a deep, long breath. It had been such a long time ago he had talked about this. He never had been the kind of person to share things like this, didn’t really know how to. He couldn’t even explain why he brought it up. Maybe it was because Aaron had just shared a part of his past with him and he just wanted to return the favour. But deep down Robert knew he just wanted Aaron to know some more about him as well. “My dad covered for him. She was not even my biological mother, but she was my mum, you know. She loved me. And Andy just took that away from me and my father just covered for him to prevent him going to jail.” 

“How did she die?” Aaron asked, his voice soft. 

Memories of that horrible night invaded Robert’s mind and he had to shake his head to keep them at bay. “Barn fire. There was nothing they could do.” 

Aaron just nodded, biting his lower lip and Robert knew what he wanted to say, knew Aaron wanted to apologize for losing his mother. And although Robert would appreciate the words, he knew that they wouldn’t really matter. He wouldn’t get his mother back. So to prevent Aaron from speaking, he continued: “I’ve always… blamed him for it, couldn’t really look passed it. So I did some horrible things, just to get back at him. Started an affair with Katie, for instance.”

Robert shook his head, reliving the past in his mind. “He shot my dad, Jack, because of it. He wanted to shoot me, for having an affair with Katie, but he shot dad. Dad disowned him after that.” 

“I didn’t know Andy did all that,” Aaron replied, almost sounded confused. 

Robert shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter anymore, I suppose. I am not proud of myself, you know, to sleep with Katie behind his back. But I really did love her.” 

Aaron just nodded his head, with an understanding look in his eyes and it helped Robert to talk on: “But I knew I mostly did it to spite Andy, to show him I could have everything he got.” Robert took a deep breath of air. He never really spoke about his past with anyone. He felt like no one would truly understand, would just find it petty and childish. But it had never felt like that to him, it had always felt so much bigger. All his life he had felt like second best, like he was never good enough for anyone. It still hurt every single time he talked about it, or even thought about it. “He was just always my dad’s favourite. Since the moment he moved in with us, I knew dad preferred Andy over me. A real farm boy, just like dad. I could never do anything right, never live up to his expectations. He was always disappointed in me, no matter how hard I tried. But Andy… Andy was the golden boy, the good guy, could never do anything wrong.” 

“You sound bitter,” Aaron stated, although his tone was not accusing. If it had been anyone else, Robert would have lashed out, but somehow, because it was Aaron he was talking to, he didn’t, didn’t feel the need to do something like that. He knew deep down Aaron was right. 

“We caused an accident, Andy and I. Somebody died because of it. Dad found out and blamed me. For all of it. Dad told me to never come back here. He told me to go, while Andy got to stay.” Robert breathed in deeply, his chest felt tight with never shed tears, before he muttered to himself: “Never got to proof him wrong.” 

“You don’t have to any more, you know that right?” Aaron replied, his eyes moving searchingly over Robert’s face. Robert just shrugged his shoulders, but didn’t reply. 

“I mean, you are your own man now, Robert. You can be whoever you choose to be,” Aaron continued, in the same soft voice. 

“I wish it was that simple,” Robert replied, feeling like his heart was wrung out like a dish rag, reliving the past, brought back all those well-hidden feelings. How useless he had felt, how unwanted. How he had never won the respect of his father. 

Aaron bit his lower lip again, as if he was contemplating what to say. “It can be,” he eventually said: “What’s stopping you?” 

Robert shrugged again. “I just never got the chance to be better. I know it sounds stupid, but I just…I don’t know…I just want to be good enough for someone.” Saying those words out loud, brought up a vulnerability he hadn’t felt in a very long time. 

Aaron just stared at him for a moment, a puzzling look in his eyes and Robert could do nothing but look away from Aaron’s intense gaze. 

“And you will. If you’d give it a chance, you’ll find someone who will choose you, for you. If you would show the real you to them, you may find a way to leave the past behind you.” Something in Aaron’s voice made Robert look back up. He read the honesty in his eyes, the hope Robert would eventually find what he was looking and for the first time in his life, Robert felt understood. Because there was no judgement in Aaron’s eyes, no prejudice. 

Robert smiled sadly at that. “I don’t think that’s gonna work.” 

Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion. “Whatdaya mean?” 

“I mean, I spent all my life trying to fit in, so busy to prove to everyone I could make something of myself, I kinda lost myself in the process. I’m just not sure if I even know who I am anymore.” Robert sighed deeply, lost in thought. “I got so wrapped up in this perfect little life, I forgot who I was. I schemed and lied my whole life and could use it in my advantage. In my job, living with my fiancé, with her father.” 

“Wait,” Aaron called out, sounding confused: “What? You were engaged?” 

Robert’s eyes shot to Aaron’s face, suddenly realizing what he had said. He read the hurt and confusion in Aaron’s eyes and realized he had said the one thing, he shouldn’t have said to him, ever. He could feel his face heating up, but there was no way he could lie to Aaron now. “Yeah. To a woman named Chrissie. I loved her, I really did, but it just never… there was always something that didn’t quite fit. Don’t get me wrong, she had everything I ever desired, power, prestige, money. Didn’t stop me from sleeping around though. She threw me out when she found out. A few weeks later I got this call from Vic about Andy. I didn’t want to come, as I wanted Chrissie back and I felt we were just starting to get back on the right track. But Vic sounded so urgent, I didn’t really have another choice to come over here.” 

While Robert spoke, he had noticed Aaron’s eyes had hardened and Robert knew he was losing Aaron’s trust. “Why didn’t I know about this?” Aaron asked, his voice harsh. 

“Nobody knew about it. We were making plans to move back here, but well, that wasn’t going to happen in the end.” 

“Will you go back there? You know, when all of this is over?” Aaron asked, and Robert could hear the pain in Aaron’s voice. 

Robert shrugged, knowing he needed to be honest to Aaron about this. “I don’t know. Haven’t decided yet.” 

Aaron nodded his head, before he stood up. “I think you should leave.” 

“What?” Robert replied, confused. 

“Don’t want Debbie to find out, now do we?” Aaron talked on, as he walked towards the door, without turning around and Robert realized he made a big mistake telling him about Chrissie. He stood up as well and got a hold of Aaron’s arm when he was halfway through the room, not willing to let the evening end like this, not wanting leave Aaron, knowing he had upset him with his words. He pulled him back and Aaron turned around with reluctance. 

Robert moved a hand to Aaron’s face, while he took a step forwards, invading Aaron’s personal space. Robert’s eyes dropped his eyes to Aaron’s lips and moved in. He could hear Aaron’s breath hitch and he closed his eyes when he moved in to kiss Aaron. 

In the last nanosecond, just as their lips were about to meet, Aaron whispered, "This was why I didn't want you to come in." 

Robert stopped, opened his eyes and moved his head back a bit. He watched on as Aaron opened his eyes. And then Aaron started to look away. "Oh, no, you don't," Robert said, raising his other hand as well so both his hands were on either side of Aaron's face, to hold it in place. "I know you’ve been wanting to kiss me all evening," he continued, his eyes wavering over Aaron’s face. "If you don’t want this, then you have to tell me. Tell me right now, Aaron.” 

Aaron swallowed, but to his credit his eyes never left Robert's. "You just told me you were engaged. You don’t even know if you’ll be staying around. So why would I put myself through this, when there’s no use for it? " 

Robert’s eyes didn’t leave Aaron’s. "Because you want this, just as much as I do," he said, voice low, gruff, as hormones surged through his body. Aaron tried to turn his head away again under Robert’s staring gaze, but Robert held him firmly. "Tell me, I’m wrong.” 

Aaron just stared at him for a moment, his darkened eyes unreadable, before closing the gap between them and pressing his lips firmly against Robert's. 

Robert moaned, while Aaron’s hands came up and tangled themselves into the fabric of his shirt. Robert turned his head just a little, angling it to better fit their mouths together, his own hands sliding down to Aaron’s neck. He pulled away just long enough to breath, before moving back in, this time his tongue demanding entrance to Aaron's mouth. 

He moaned and Aaron’s fingers dug into Robert's skin, and Robert felt his cock grow hard. Jesus fuck, he suddenly realized how he had wanted this man since the moment they had first met. 

The kiss grew deeper still, only now Aaron kissed him back just the same, passionate and wanting, as if he needed Robert just as much as Robert needed him, giving as good as he was getting. Robert knew nothing had ever felt as good as this right here. 

He pulled Aaron’s body flush against his own, making it perfectly obvious that Aaron’s cock was just as hard as Robert's. The feel of it, knowing how turned on Aaron was, made Robert groan this time, a sound that came from deep in his gut. 

Robert rocked his hips, needing the sweet friction, although there were too many layers of clothes between them. They parted, just a few inches and held each other's eyes. Both panting. Both needing. "Robert," Aaron breathed, and Robert read it there, the desire, the lust, but also the hesitance, the worry, the insecurity. Robert didn’t want to think, didn’t want his mind to come back to life and realize what he was doing, how big of a mistake this was. So he buried his face into Aaron’s neck, pressing his lips against warm skin. Aaron threw his head back, hands wrapped tightly around Robert's shirt, urging him to press harder. So Robert nipped at the skin, making Aaron gasp. Robert repeated the motion, realizing he found a soft spot and Aaron moaned so long and low that Robert's cock twitched hard. 

"Want you so bad," Robert breathed. 

“We can’t. Not here,” Aaron breathed back just as out of breath as Robert was and Robert felt him pulling away with all the self-restrain he could manage at the moment. And Robert hated it, hated it with every fibre of his being that Aaron was able to pull away like that. And Robert had no other choice than to let him go. 

They stared at each other for a good minute, trying to catch their breaths, before Robert nodded in understanding. 

“Okay,” Robert murmured back, his eyes drifted back to Aaron’s lips, but he knew that if he would kiss Aaron again, they both wouldn’t be able to stop again. And Aaron was right. This was not the time nor the place. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” 

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Robert just nodded, his eyes locking with Aaron’s one more time and he read the same turmoil in Aaron eyes as he was feeling at the moment. Then he moved, took his coat from the coat rack and disappeared outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, let me know what you think! It will be highly appreciated!


	8. Hurting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicide attempt!
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments and for reading this story! Enjoy!

Aaron was eating his breakfast in the backroom of the pub. It was a Sunday, which meant he could spend the whole day with Robert, which was a happier prospect than Aaron would ever held possible. They had texted last night after Aaron had returned home and they had set on going into town and have lunch and some drinks. Aaron felt the warmth settle in his chest when he thought about it. It was a strange sensation to feel like this, hadn’t felt like it in a very long time. 

Last night had been strangely personal. He had never felt this comfortable with anyone else. It had felt so natural to talk about his past to Robert, had felt like he wasn’t being judged for it. It still stung to know Robert had been engaged and never told anyone about it, but he had thought about it last night and figured it didn’t really matter. Robert had told him it was over and he wanted to trust Robert on his word, had put the doubts far away in his head. He just wanted to see where it could go, if they could be something more. 

Suddenly he heard fast approaching footsteps coming from the pub. Moments later the door opened and Debbie appeared in sight, not looking very pleased in the slightest. 

“How could you,” she spoke, the moment she laid eyes on him, her eyes burning. 

And in seconds Aaron knew Debbie had found out Robert had stayed over. He bit his lip in discomfort, not really knowing what to say. He knew the guilt was probably readable all over his face, because Debbie’s eyes darkened and she spat out: “You let Robert Sugden into my house? After everything? How could you. I trusted you to look after my kids.”

“And I did. He just wanted to know how they were doing,” Aaron replied sternly, somehow defending Robert for no other reason than he felt like he had to. 

“He lost that right when his brother raped me,” Debbie answered heated.

Aaron was taken aback by the fire behind Debbie’s words and for a moment had no idea what he needed to say. He knew it had been a bad idea and he could feel the guilt and the shame taking over his body. “I’m sorry. You’re right,” he eventually mumbled. 

“Do you know how complicated it already is for them? How am I going to explain to them, their uncle can’t visit again? It was hard enough to explain about Andy and me.”

Aaron swallowed uncomfortably, knowing he had messed up, knowing he had put Robert and himself before his family. He hadn’t really thought about the consequences all that much. “I know. Look, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Debbie nodded and sank down on the couch, moving a hand through her hair and Aaron noticed how worn out she looked, how small. He hadn’t ever seen her like this. He hated himself for upsetting her like this. He should’ve known better. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer, almost apologetic: “Sorry. My head is all over the place. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.” Her tone became a little lighter: “It’s not like you’re sleeping with him.”

Aaron felt like his throat was locked up, knowing how close to the truth her words really were. “Na. He’s not really my type,” he managed to bring out.

“What, tall and blonde isn’t really your type?” Debbie said, and he knew she was just making a joke, but it made Aaron feel even worse about what he had done. 

“Self-absorbed and arrogant Isn’t really my type,” Aaron replied, trying to keep his voice light. 

Debbie smiled at that, before she got up and Aaron followed her example. She turned around to look at him, her face serious again. “I don’t want anyone being involved with a Sugden again. I don’t want my kids anywhere near that family, alright?”

“Yeah. No more Sugdens, gotcha.”

Debbie smiled lightly at him, before she moved towards the door and walked outside, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts.

xXx

Aaron bit his lip as he tried to order his thoughts. He knew he had messed up. He should never have let Robert inside and interact with the kids. He had known it would end badly. He had just been so caught up in Robert, had loved to see him with kids. He was a real natural and Aaron knew he had fallen for him last night. Maybe even before that. But it didn’t really matter anymore. His family came before everything else, no matter what.

He knew he should’ve asked Sarah and Jack not to mention Robert had stayed over, but he had felt like he couldn’t do that, so he hadn’t. But he should’ve known they would say something about it. But he didn’t blame them, they were just kids. If there was anyone to blame it was him, he should’ve known better. 

Besides it wasn’t like it could’ve led anywhere. Robert had told him himself he didn’t know if he would even be sticking around. It was better this way. He knew it. He needed to end this, before it would get out of hand any further. 

A soft knock on the back startled Aaron out of his thoughts and his heart seemed to sink, realizing who it would be and what he had to tell him. He took in a deep breath, before walking to the door and opening it. Aaron took a step sideward to let him in.

“Hiya,” Robert said, closing the door silently behind him. There was a warm smile around his lips and Aaron’s heart clenched together when he noticed it, knowing what he was about to do.

“Hiya,” he answered, trying to keep his voice neutral, but hearing the hurt and shame in his own voice.

Robert’s eyes wavered over Aaron’s face and there appeared a concerned look in his eyes, and Aaron realized he had picked up on the tone in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

Aaron looked down to the ground, trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing here. “I think you should go.”

“But I just got here,” Robert huffed out, a smile on his face, but it wasn’t all that heartfelt, as if he was wondering what was going on, knowing something was wrong. 

“I can’t have you here, Robert,” Aaron replied honestly.

“Is this about yesterday? About what I told you?” Robert asked, looking slightly bewildered.

“No. Well, yeah, maybe it is. Part of it,” Aaron replied awkwardly, trying to make sense of his own thoughts, trying to figure out what he should tell Robert. 

“What happened?” Robert asked, invading Aaron’s personal space as he took a step forwards and Aaron knew Robert had figured out there was something more he was withholding. “Aaron, tell me.”

Aaron sighed lightly and buried his hands inside his pockets. “Debbie came around this morning.”

“And?” A deep frown appeared on Robert’s forehead and Aaron knew Robert was already not liking the direction their conversation was going in. 

“She figured out you stayed for diner last night,” Aaron confessed, feeling the shame he had felt when Debbie had been around, returning in full force. 

“Seriously?” Robert replied, his voice accusing. He moved his hands over his face. “You are kidding right? What if she tells anyone else? I can’t have people knowing I was there.”

Aaron didn’t know what he had expected from Robert, but it hadn’t been this. He hadn’t considered Robert getting mad and selfish about this whole situation. So Aaron couldn’t help himself when his voice turned hard, when he spoke: “She won’t.”

“And how can you be so sure about that?” Robert laughed without amusement and that sound caused cold shivers to run down Aaron’s spine. “God, Aaron, you’re so stupid.”

Aaron clenched his jaw and his hands balled into fists. He didn’t like being laughed at or being patronized, especially not by Robert, who he had trusted with his deepest, personal secrets. “Yeah? How’s that?” Aaron replied, his voice low, filled with anger.

“All you had to do is keeping those kids from telling Debbie I was there,” Robert pointed out, his eyes burning darkly. 

Aaron huffed. “I am not the one who invited himself in.”

“Yes, and what a mistake that’s been,” Robert reacted in an instant, his voice filled with venom. Robert’s words hurt Aaron more than he would ever had thought they could. He felt let down, hurt and betrayed. 

“Right,” Aaron reacted, the hurt turning into anger. “Get out.”

“What?” Robert commented, looking astonished for a moment.

“Get out. I don’t want you anywhere near me,” Aaron spat, his voice filled with anger.

Robert just stared at him for a moment, before his lips formed a thin line. “You’ll regret this.”

“I don’t think I will,” Aaron spoke determined, knowing how much he was lying. He already regretted his words, but he was too angry to take them back, didn’t want to give Robert the satisfaction. 

Robert just stared at him, his blue green eyes boring into Aaron’s and Aaron could feel his heart being wrecked into two by the look in Robert’s eyes.

“Fine. It’s not like it meant anything at all,” Robert spat out, his voice dark and his eyes burning angrily. 

Robert gave him one last look before he turned around, opened the door and closed it behind him with a bang. 

Aaron just breathed. He felt like crying, his heart clenching painfully as his chest tightened. Robert’s words hurt more than they should. But Aaron knew he had let Robert in, had opened up to, let him look inside and… And it hurt, it goddamn hurt to hear those words coming from Robert’s lips. It hurt so much, Aaron had the feeling he couldn’t even breath properly. 

Aaron tried to calm himself and breathed again. There was no turning back. What done was done. All he had to do was convince himself it was better this way. 

xXx

Robert was upset. He didn’t even really know why or maybe he did, but he wasn’t ready to explore it too closely. He knew it was better this way, knew he had promised Victoria to stay away, knew that whatever Aaron and he had going on, couldn’t have led to anything. 

It still hurt though. He had opened up to Aaron yesterday, had told him things he had never really told anyone in his life. His family knew about his issues, but they never really spoke about it and Robert had learned to hide it, learned to keep his mouth shut. He had learned not to trust anyone when it came to feelings and secrets. 

But he had told Aaron and to be let down again, hurt and convinced Robert even more, he was better off on his own. When he entered Victoria’s house, his face looked like thunder and he noticed Victoria didn’t say a word when she took one look at him, before she left the room. 

He knew she was suspecting something, had known it when he had told her this morning he wouldn’t be home for lunch, but she hadn’t said a word about it and he wasn’t going to let her find out he was still seeing Aaron. Not that it really mattered anymore, because apparently Aaron had had enough of him already. 

Robert turned the TV on, to keep his mind from wandering, but it didn’t really work and eventually he turned it off again and closed his eyes, only to be interrupted by Victoria’s voice, coming from the kitchen: “Rob? Can you get Andy? Lunch is ready.”

“Fine,” Robert sighed loudly, before he got up. He walked upstairs towards Andy’s bedroom and knocked on the door. “Andy?” Robert called out, his voice careless. “Vic says lunch’s ready. Are you coming?”

Robert waited for a reply, but there was no answer from the other side of the door. “Andy?” Robert asked again, before he tried the door handle and found the door was locked from the inside. “Andy, open the door,” Robert demanded, while the worry grew in his chest, which only grew stronger when there came no sound from the other side of the door. 

“Andy!” Robert yelled now, pounding on the door. When there was still no reply, Robert moved a hand through his hair, trying to keep calm, trying to figure out what to do next. 

He took in a deep breath to steady himself. He knew he had no other option than to kick the door in. He wasn’t really the type to do anything like it, but he knew he was running out of options and he definitely wasn’t going to disturb his sister when there was probably nothing going on. It took him a few tries, but when he put all his weight behind the third try, the door made a cracking noise and broke open. Robert didn’t know how fast he had to move inside. 

What he found inside, made his heart stop and he froze to his place. Andy was lying on the ground, next to the bed. He wasn’t moving and Robert knew it was bad when he noticed all the blood covering the floor. Robert had no idea how he ended up next to Andy, but suddenly he was kneeling next to him, his hands touching Andy’s face, willing for him to wake up.

“Andy. Andy, open your eyes. Open your eyes. You can’t do this. God dammit!” Robert cried out. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he tried to hold them back, his body a tense mess. 

He needed to think rational, he needed to check if Andy was still breathing. If he was still alive…

Robert hands were shaking when he reached over and checked Andy’s pulse in his neck, trying to find a heartbeat. Eventually he found it, but it was weak, almost gone. Panic surged through his body and he checked Andy’s body frantically for any wounds, as the blood on the floor must’ve been coming from somewhere. He found it, when he pulled Andy’s sleeves back up. 

“Jesus Christ, Andy. What have you done?!” Robert cried out. He looked at the deep wounds on both of Andy’s wrists and his stomach twirled by the sight. He hadn’t even heard any footsteps on the stairs, so he started when he suddenly heard Victoria’s voice.

“Robert, what’s wro- Oh my God!” Victoria cried out, as she stared at Andy with a shocked expression on her face. Robert’s eyes shot from his sister back to his brother. His hands were trembling lightly and his breathing was accelerated, trying to get a grip on what was actually happening. When his eyes wavered over Andy’s face, reality seemed to suddenly crash down on him and he finally found his voice.

“Vic, call and ambulance. Now!” Robert commanded at his sister and thankfully Victoria had enough common sense left to do what he asked. Robert pulled his shirt over his head and wrapped it tightly around Andy’s wrist, hoping that it wouldn’t be in vain, trying to stop the bleeding. Robert was about to pull his T-shirt over his head, when a piece of fabric hit his side. “Here,” Victoria breathed out. Robert grabbed it and wrapped it around Andy’s other wrist. Victoria sat down on the other side of Andy when she was done calling the ambulance, that’s when Robert realized, Victoria had thrown her blouse at him, as she was just wearing her top now. 

“Is he-” Victoria started, but her voice faltered, unable to finish that sentence. 

“He is still breathing, but I don’t know, Vic,” Robert replied in all honesty. “I don’t know.”

xXx

Robert was pacing around the room. They had just been on time. If he had found Andy any later, he might’ve not been there anymore. He had lost so much blood and Robert realized all too well, he could’ve died. He could’ve lost his brother. 

He moved a hand through his hair, stopping his mind from going there. He didn’t want to think about what could’ve happened. He didn’t know if he could deal with it right now.

“Will you just stop pacing,” Victoria snapped at him. Robert looked at her for a moment, before he conceded and sat down beside her. They sat next to each other in silence, like they had been doing for the last hour. Robert looked down at his clothes and noticed he had bloodstains on his T-shirt and his trousers were blooded on the places he had crouched down next to Andy’s lifeless body. A cold shiver ran down Robert’s spine by that thought. 

“I should’ve seen it,” Victoria eventually whispered quietly. 

Robert looked up and saw the tears streaming down his sister’s cheeks. “Vic, it’s not your fault,” Robert replied sincerely, turning his body slightly towards his sister.

Victoria shook her head. “I knew he was struggling. I should’ve done something.” Robert swallowed, knowing his sister was right. He had seen Andy struggle, but hadn’t really taken the time to really sit down and talk to him. Maybe he could’ve prevented this from happening. But he also knew, his sister wasn’t to blame for any of it as she was the most kind and warm person he knew. He draped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her slightly into him and she lay her head down on his chest. “it’s gonna be okay. From now on, we’ll be there for him, okay?”

Victoria nodded against his chest, before her head shot up, because the swinging doors moved and Diane appeared in sight, followed by Doug. Victoria stood up at once and was pulled into a hug by Diane. 

xXx

Robert walked slowly towards the hospital room Andy was admitted. He had told Diane and Victoria to go on without him, but he knew he couldn’t stay away forever. He held still in front of the door, his hand frozen on the door handle. He wasn’t sure he was ready to face this, to see his brother lying in a hospital bed, after he tried to kill himself. Robert took in a deep breath and he entered.

It seemed like he fell right in the middle of a conversation when Diane said: “But why? I know life is very difficult at the moment, but-”

“What life? I don’t have a life any more. Everything has been taken away from me. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore,” Andy replied, his voice broken.

Andy’s eyes suddenly shot to Robert’s face as if he had only just realized Robert was there as well. “You. You put me in here. Why couldn’t you just let me go? You should’ve let me go.”

Robert felt like he was going to be sick to the stomach after Andy’s words. He knew Andy wasn’t thinking straight, was in a very bad place, but hearing him say he should’ve just let him die, broke his heart. 

Silence settled in after Andy’s words and it was Andy who broke it. “I want you all to go. I just want to be left alone.”

“I am not going to leave you. Not in the state you’re in,” Victoria answered with fire in her voice. 

“Please, Vic. They won’t let me out of their sight. I won’t try to kill myself again. Apparently I can’t even do that right.”

The complete desperation in his brother’s voice killed Robert from the inside as he stared at his brother’s worn out face. He couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t deal with any of it. He couldn’t get the image of Andy lying on that cold hard floor out of his head, could still see the blood on his own hands, could still feel the blood stick onto his clothes. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t breathe properly. He needed to get out. Right now. 

He turned around and walked out of the room without a word and he realized he hadn’t said a word at all. He hadn’t known what to say, as words would never be enough. He or Andy could never undo what had happened. He walked with a fast pace towards the exit of the hospital. 

Once outside he leaned against the wall of the hospital, trying to get his breathing under control, the tears burning in his eyes. He couldn’t start thinking, if he started thinking he wouldn’t be able to stop the tears from falling. He took in another deep breath and walked towards his car. He needed to do something, he needed to keep moving, concentrate his mind on anything else than what had just happened. 

xXx

Aaron was watching telly. He was bored to death, as he had really nothing to do. He had tried to contact Adam, wanting to ask him if he would like to join him for a pint, but his phone had gone straight to voice-mail. So he was all on his lonesome, his mother working behind the bar right now. He normally liked spending time alone, but now, with everything that had happened between him and Robert this morning, he wished he could find a way to shut up his mind as it was going round in circles. 

He knew he had done the right thing by telling Robert to leave, but it hurt more than Aaron would’ve imagined it would. And he realized he had been falling for Robert, that he was more attached to him than he probably should be, considering this whole fucked up situation between their families. It was evident in the way he had told Robert about Jackson, even though he didn’t really know him all that well. He really didn’t know what to make of the whole situation, as Robert had told him something about himself as well last night. And not just something, but something deep and personal. 

He should be glad it was over. It would only have ended in disaster. He couldn’t imagine how his family would’ve reacted if they would know there had been something going on between him and Robert. But if Debbie’s reaction for Robert staying the evening was any indication, he didn’t want to know how his family would react to the news he was falling for him. 

Aaron leaned with his head against the backrest of the couch and puffed out his breath, telling his mind to relax. He closed his eyes and sighed again, burying his hands in the pockets of his hoody. He was startled by the sound of someone knocking on the backdoor. Aaron opened his eyes and frowned lightly, before he got up and walked towards the door, wondering who it could be. 

When he opened the door, he froze on the spot when he recognized who it was. He just stared at him for a moment and immediately sensed something was off when he looked into his eyes.

“Can I come in?” Robert didn’t even look at him when he spoke.

A part of Aaron wanted to have a go at him, as he knew he had a good reason to do so, but something in Robert’s face, made Aaron worry and he wondered what had happened. “Yeah,” he therefore just said and moved out of the way to let Robert inside. He closed the door and turned around, his eyes landing on Robert and that’s when it fully hit him, how tired he looked, how worn out. When his eyes moved downwards, he noticed there was blood on the T-shirt Robert was wearing and even on the trousers he wore. Aaron’s stomach formed a tight knot by that sight and his chest tightened in concern. Robert moved and sat down on the stairs and the moment he sat down, Aaron could see all the energy leaving Robert’s body. Aaron bit his lower lip and contemplated for a moment what he should do. 

“What’s up?” Aaron asked softly and he could hear the worry dripping through his voice.

Robert just shook his head. “Nothing. Just needed to see ya.”

Aaron sat down beside him, turning his body towards Robert, planting his feet on two different steps. When he looked at Robert, he noticed Robert had lost all his usual bravura. “Right,” Aaron replied, not willing to push Robert for anything. He frowned his forehead as Robert moved a hand through his hair. One shaky hand. He knew there was definitely something up with Robert, knew it, not only by the bloodstains on his clothes but also by the way he moved, the way he spoke, had read it in Robert’s eyes. Robert moved a hand over his face, before he finally spoke, his voice wavering: 

“Andy tried to kill himself.”

All Aaron could do for a moment was stare at Robert, as if Robert’s words had a hard time to sink in. When they finally did and Aaron realized what Robert had actually said, Aaron had no idea how to react. So he just said the first thing that came to mind: “God, I am so sorry, Robert.”

Robert just nodded his head once, but didn’t reply. 

“Is he okay? What happened?” Aaron asked hesitantly, not really sure if his questions would be welcome.

“He is stable for now. He lost a lot of blood. He…he slit his wrists,” Robert’s voice broke on the last word and Aaron bit his lower lip in worry.

Aaron had to swallow loudly, as a big lump had settled in his throat. 

Robert’s eyes shot to Aaron’s face and his expression changed, as if something hit him. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t wanna bring back memories.”

Aaron smiled sadly, strangely touched by Robert’s concern for him. “It’s been ages ago. I can take it Robert.”

“I just…I didn’t really have anywhere else to go,” Robert confessed softly and his confession broke Aaron’s heart, realizing how alone Robert must’ve felt ever since he came back to the village. 

“It’s fine,” Aaron answered calmly, knowing it really was.

Robert buried his head in his hands, his fingers digging in his hair. Robert just breathed for a moment, as if a thought had upset him greatly. “I could’ve lost him. I could’ve lost my brother,” he whispered quietly. 

“But you didn’t. He’s still there,” Aaron tried, not really knowing himself what he tried to do, what he was saying. But Robert didn’t react either way, just let out a breathy noise and Aaron could do nothing more then pull Robert into him. “Hey, come here,” he whispered softly. Robert went willingly when Aaron pulled him into him, burying his head against Aaron’s shoulder, his fingers digging into the fabric of Aaron’s hoody. Aaron buried his face into Robert’s hair and took in Robert’s scent, holding him until Robert’s body stopped shaking.


	9. Changing your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this story and sticking by me through it all! I have been so busy lately, so just be glad I put in an effort for taking the time to write this for you ;p No, but thanks for all your lovely kudos and very much appreciated comments! x

Robert was sitting at the dinner table, his head resting in his hands. He should probably go and see his brother, to make sure he was alright. He should go and talk to him, but somehow he seemed unable to get himself to move. He still couldn’t believe what had happened, still couldn’t get those images out of his head. He moved tired hands over his face, as if he could wipe away the memories that way.

He still didn’t quite understand how he had ended up on Aaron’s doorstep. He hadn’t consciously sought him out. It had just happened. He had just been driving mindlessly, until he had stopped somewhere. He had only recognized where he had been when he had been knocking on the door.

Maybe it was because Aaron felt like the only place he felt safe, like the only place he could feel himself nowadays. And maybe he shouldn’t trust Aaron this much, as he could use everything against him and his brother. But he knew it was already too late for that. He had shown Aaron sides to him he never showed anyone, not for the life of him. But he had to Aaron, and it terrified him more than anything had ever done. Still, it seemed like now he had this connection with someone, he wasn’t able to stay away from it. It felt like an addiction.

And it had helped him, to tell someone about what had happened with Andy and it had felt so safe to be held by Aaron. Even though he was completely embarrassed about breaking down like that, he couldn’t imagine he’d done it anywhere else, would have been as comfortable as he had been when Aaron had hold him.

He started when something was placed in front of him and when he looked up, he noticed Aaron had placed a mug in front of him. “You really don’t have to do this,” Robert said, his voice soft, still a bit rough. He was quite sure he looked terrible.

“Don’t be daft,” Aaron replied, as he sat down in front of him. “Besides, it’s just a brew.”

“Thanks,” Robert said, putting his hands around the mug, so his hands could absorb the warmth.

Aaron’s eyes wavered over his face, and feeling still lightly embarrassed, he avoided Aaron’s gaze. “You’re okay?” Aaron asked after a moment of silence.

Robert smiled sadly, looking down at the dark liquid in his mug. “I will be.” Then he looked up into Aaron’s eyes. “Thank you, for being there.”

“You came to me,” Aaron replied, looking a bit uncomfortable.

“You know what I mean,” Robert answered honestly, knowing Aaron would understand.

Aaron just nodded, turning up a corner of his mouth as if he knew it wasn’t really appropriate to smile, but couldn’t quite stop himself either.

Robert sighed, taking a sip from his drink. Now he was being honest, he might as well say something else, something he had felt bad about ever since they fought about it. “Look, I am sorry Debbie found out about me staying over for dinner. It was never my intention to put you in that kind of position.”

Aaron sighed. “It’s fine. I can’t put all the blame on you, I suppose.”

Robert huffed softly, smiling lightly, before taking another sip from his drink. He put his mug back on the table and sighed. “Vic told me to leave you alone.”

Aaron frowned his forehead, looking highly confused. “What?”

“I didn’t want to tell you, because I frankly don’t really want to. Do you?” Robert asked, his voice serious, his eyes focused on Aaron. “Want me to leave you alone, I mean.”

Aaron flushed, which made Robert secretly smile and Aaron looked slightly uncomfortable and shy, his eyes wavering to the ground. “No.”

A warmth settled inside Robert’s chest and he gave Aaron a smile. “Well then, let’s just keep it between us then for now,” Robert replied, waiting for Aaron’s answer.

Aaron bit his lower lip and nodded. Robert smiled lightly when Aaron’s gaze wavered to his again and Aaron smiled shyly back at him. Then Robert remembered why he had come here in the first place, his mood dropping completely. He knew he couldn’t stay here forever, knew he had to go back to the hospital at some point and staying here, would only delay the inevitable.

“I need to go and see him,” he confessed, his chest heavy.

Aaron’s face dropped, when he realized to whom Robert was referring. But he just nodded and got up, putting his and Robert’s mugs on the counter. Robert stood up as well and walked to the backdoor, but was stopped by Aaron’s voice.

“What about court?” Aaron asked, his tone hesitant.

Robert turned around and looked at him, frowning lightly. “What about it?”

Aaron just looked at him, biting his lip, not saying anything. Robert understood Aaron was trying to ask him something, without having to ask him and Robert was grateful for that, because if Aaron had asked, he didn’t know if he wouldn’t have lashed out at him. His brother was all he cared about at the moment. He couldn’t give a damn about the trial, but he realized Aaron did.

Robert sighed: “I don’t know. I’ll contact our lawyer and listen to what she says. I’ll let you know, okay?”

Aaron just nodded and Robert turned around and opened the door to the hallway, walking towards the door that lead outside.

“Robert,” Aaron called after him and Robert turned around to look at Aaron. Aaron looked a bit uncomfortable for a moment, before he moved and walked over to him. Aaron bit his lip before he looked up at him. “If you ever need to talk again. I’ll be here.”

Robert smiled lightly at that, Aaron’s words touching him more than he could admit to himself. He just nodded, before he closed the door behind him.

Xxx

Robert softly knocked on the door and entered the hospital room. “Hiya. Can I come in?” he asked, his eyes landing on Andy.

In that moment it hit him how pale Andy looked, how much older he seemed than he really was. His wrists were bandaged and he was wearing a hospital gown. His tired eyes were focused on him and all Robert saw in them was emptiness. Cold shivers ran down Robert’s spine.

“Yeah. Can’t see why not,” Andy answered wearily.

Robert walked in and stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed, his eyes wavering to and away from Andy’s face. “I am sorry I ran off like that.”

“It’s fine,” Andy stated, not looking at Robert.

“No, it’s not. I’m supposed to support you. You’re my brother,” Robert replied earnestly, his heart contracting violently. He had known deep down he had let his brother down, had been too caught up in this thing with Aaron. But seeing his brother right now, looking so helpless, he realized it was time to make a decision. It wasn’t a game that was being played. His brother needed him. Now more than ever.

Andy’s eyes filled up with tears after Robert’s words and Robert sat down beside him at once.

“I’m sorry,” Andy mumbled as he wiped the tears away, moving his head away from Robert, as if he was ashamed.

“You have nothing to feel sorry for.” Andy was still looking in the other direction, his head turned away from Robert. “Andy, please talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Andy’s eyes shot to Robert’s face again. “I’ve lost everything. First Katie, then my job, my kids. The whole village thinks I’ve done it. They don’t say it to my face, but I know they do. No one believes me. I’ve got nothing left to live for.” Tears ran down Andy’s cheeks, as his voice broke and Robert’s heart contracted painfully. He wished he could say something, anything to make it all better, but he couldn’t. There were no words for what Andy had lost and what he was going through. But Robert knew he needed to try, he owed his brother that much.

“I believe you. You are my brother, Andy. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. We’ll get you out of this mess. I promise.”

Andy broke down after his words and Robert’s heart seemed to get ripped apart, by the total destruction of Andy, to witness all this pain. He grabbed his brother’s hand and held it tightly and Andy held on even tighter as if Robert was the only life line he had at the moment.

“You’re gonna be okay. I’ll make sure of it,” Robert vowed, tears burning in his eyes. “I am here, whatever you need.”

xXx

Aaron looked at his phone what felt for the hundredth time that day and put it back inside his pocket, trying to fight the feeling of disappointment. A whole day had passed since Robert had cried in Aaron’s arms and not a word, a call, a text. Nothing. It seemed like Robert had dropped off of the bottom of the earth. After yesterday he had thought Robert would at least let him know how he was doing, if he was okay.

Yesterday they had acknowledged there was something going on between them and Aaron had been so content to know there really was something between them and it hadn’t been all in his head. But now, going without a word, he started to doubt himself, even started to wonder if he hadn’t imagined everything. Maybe he had read too much into it. It made him feel like a complete idiot.  
And then he didn’t know what he had to think about Andy’s suicide attempt. He knew how it felt to lose all hope in the world. He knew what could drive people to suicide and he felt sorry for Andy, he really did. Still he couldn’t help but wonder if Andy hadn’t done it because he was innocent, but because he knew deep down he had done it. That he had raped Debbie and couldn’t live with the guilt and shame anymore. Because as far as Aaron was concerned Andy had done that, had hurt his cousin in the most terrible way imaginable. He believed Debbie, how could he not, after seeing her state of mind ever since it had happened. Every time he thought about Andy nowadays, he saw Debbie’s face before him, how empty her eyes had become. Aaron would never be able to forgive him for that. He couldn’t even imagine what Debbie would think when she’d find out Andy had tried to kill himself.

“Why are you looking all moody?” Chas asked, as she put a pint in front of him, startling Aaron.

“I’m not. I always look like this,” Aaron shot back, not in the mood for Chas’ guessing games. He knew he was in a right mood. He was worried about Robert, furious at Andy for doing something like this and mad at himself for getting so involved in the first place.

“True,” Chas stated, which earned her a dark glance from him, which she seemed not affected by at all. “But I still can tell something’s wrong. So, what’s up?”

“Nothing. Just leave me alone,” Aaron answered annoyed.

Chas opened her mouth to reply but at that moment Adam walked inside, looking a little bewildered. His gaze met Aaron’s and he walked over to him.

“Where have you been? Been trying to call you since yesterday,” Aaron stated. He could already guess where Adam had been all that time, but since he wasn’t supposed to know any of what Robert had told him yesterday, he couldn’t tell anyone. Another reason why he was in a bad mood.

“Yeah, sorry mate. Just got a lot going on, right now.”

“What’s happened?” Chas asked curiously and even a bit concerned.

Aaron already knew the answer before Adam had even opened his mouth. “Look, I don’t know if it is my place to tell ya, but Andy tried to kill himself last night. He’s been in hospital ever since.”

Chas looked quite shocked for a moment until she contained herself. “Good,” Chas stated, her voice untouched.

“Mum,” Aaron replied, a bit shocked by his mother’s attitude.

“I’m sorry love, but after what he did to our Debbie, I can’t feel any sympathy for that man anymore.”

Aaron just stared at his mother and so was Adam and she seemed to be a little taken aback by their stares as she took a defensive step backwards. “Alright. I won’t speak my mind ever again,” she said sarcastically.

Aaron just shook his head and focused his eyes on Adam. “How is he doing?” He hadn’t heard any updates since Robert left last night. He had hoped Robert would at least text him, anything to let him know how he was doing. But being left out like that, got to Aaron more than he thought it would. “He is stable right now. Vic’s been in bits ever since it happened. I can’t imagine how it must’ve been like for her to find her brother like that.”

“She found him?” Chas asked, and now she did sound a bit concerned.

“Na, Robert did. Can’t really tell if he cares about his brother at all, though. He is more at home than at the hospital at the moment and if he is there, he doesn’t stay very long. He even left without a word the first time Vic, Diane and him could see Andy.”

Aaron just nodded his head. It surprised him he seemed to understand Robert’s state of mind more than his closest family. They didn’t even seem to get in what kind of state Robert had been and according to Adam’s words still was. He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, but he couldn’t help but feel a warmth settling near his heart, when he realized he had been the only one Robert had opened up to. Still the worry for Robert grew in his chest.

“Anyway,” Adam continued: “Vic just told me that the trial has been postponed until Andy is well enough to take the stand.”

They both just stared at Adam, this news was just as new to Aaron as it was to Chas. Eventually Chas broke the silence. “And how long will that take?” Chas asked, her voice harsh.

Adam just shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. You should ask Vic.”

“Great,” Chas exclaimed. “Debbie will be in bits over this. This is gonna devastate her when she finds out. She will never get closure this way.”

Aaron was about to say something when he felt a buzzing in the pocket of his trousers and fished his phone out of it. When he recognized the caller’s ID, his heart made a light jump. He stood up and picked up the phone, turning himself away from Adam and Chas. “Hiya,” he said, trying to keep his voice nonchalant, as his heart raced against his chest.

“Hiya. Just wanted to let you know, the trial has been postponed until Andy is stable enough to endure it all,” Robert replied, his voice calm and collected, as if Aaron was just a business call and nothing else and Aaron frowned confused as he made his way outside.

“Yeah, just heard. Adam told us,” he said, as he leaned against the wall of the pub, looking out over Emmerdale.

“Couldn’t keep his beak out, could he,” Robert stated, sounding slightly annoyed.

“Uhh, you know he’s my best mate, don’t ya?” Aaron responded sarcastically, not liking the tone in Robert’s voice.

“So? Doesn’t mean I have to like him, does it?” Robert replied sounding a bit teasing, and for the first time, Aaron could hear something of a real emotion through Robert’s voice

Aaron snorted lightly. “Don’t suppose so, no.”

“Anyway, I need to go,” Robert answered, his businesslike voice back on, which made Aaron’s skin crawl and not in a good way. “Vic can be home any minute. I just called ya to tell you this.”

“Yeah. Alright,” Aaron spoke hesitantly, not really sure what he had to do with this side of Robert, had no idea how to react to it. He suddenly realized Robert was going to end the call when Robert said goodbye to him and for some weird reason, Aaron didn’t want that to happen. “Robert?” he called out, before he could even stop himself. Aaron moved a hand over his face in embarrassment when he heard the desperation in his own voice.

“Yeah?” Robert sounded a bit disinterested and for a moment Aaron thought about saying, ‘nothing’, but he knew that if he didn’t ask Robert, he would only be disappointed in himself when he hung up.

Aaron breathed, trying to find the right words to say this. “Look… my mum is out tonight and I just thought… maybe you’d like to...uhm… come over?” His heart seemed to be stuck in his throat and he looked down at the ground, kicking against an imaginary pebble.

“Yeah, look Vic just got home. I need to go. Talk to you later yeah?” Robert replied, sounding completely caught up in something else, before the call was disconnected. Aaron just stared at his phone, feeling more stood up and let down than he had felt in a very long time.

xXx

Aaron walked up the stairs and was almost upstairs when he heard a soft knock on the back door. He sighed annoyed, still in a bad mood, even worse after his phone call with Robert. He had made an idiot of himself. He felt stupid, should have known better than to ask Robert to come over and thinking about the disinterested tone in Robert’s voice, made Aaron feel even worse.

He felt terrible after Chas had told him how Debbie had reacted at the news about Andy. According to Chas, she hadn’t shown any kind of emotion, hadn’t said that much, hadn’t yelled, or cried. Nothing. It made Aaron cold to the bone.

Aaron walked down the stairs again and opened the door. He didn’t know what he had expected, but it sure hadn’t been Robert. Still, here he was. “I just saw Chas leave, so I thought it would be a good time to come in,” Robert said, as he closed the door behind him.

“I thought you wouldn’t show,” Aaron rumbled, still feeling stood up, having practically waited stupidly, hoping for Robert to text or call him to tell him he would drop by.

“Well, family stuff, you know how it goes,” Robert answered casually.

“Not really no,” Aaron reacted. He knew he sounded bitter which was probably really sad, but he needed an explanation for Robert blowing him off on the phone like that.

Robert sighed. “I went around to see Andy,” Robert buried his hands in his pockets, his eyes shooting from Aaron’s face to the ground and back. “I promised him I would be there, that I would do anything to help him. Do you know how much time it cost me to get the trial postponed?”

It didn’t even surprise Aaron it was Robert’s own doing that the trial had been postponed. For a moment he wondered how Robert had managed to pull something like that off, but eventually he realized it didn’t really matter.

“We are never going to be on the same page about any of this, Aaron,” Robert continued when Aaron didn’t react. “I can’t believe my brother could ever do that to anyone. I just can’t.”

“We’ve been over this before,” Aaron pointed out, already hating the direction this conversation was going in, a terrible feeling settling in his chest.

“Yes, and we will continue to go over this, until it’s ended. Can’t you see how a big mess this is going to be?”

“Fine. We shall leave it at that then, shall we?” Aaron replied angrily, realizing he had been a complete nut-head, believing any of the words Robert had spoken last night.

“What do you want to do then? Do you want to go around sneaking behind everybody’s backs?” Robert fired back, his eyes shooting daggers into Aaron’s.

“That’s exactly what you suggested last night!” Aaron exclaimed.

“Yes, and now I changed my mind about it!” Robert replied snarky.

“Maybe you should have thought it through before you said anything about it at all!” Aaron shot back angrily.

Robert’s eyes bored into his and Aaron read the heat and turmoil in Robert’s eyes, then Aaron saw the anger leaving Robert’s eyes before he sighed: “This is going to be a never ending circle, isn’t it?”

xXx

Aaron’s honest eyes landed on him after his words and he read the answer there before Aaron had even spoken the words: “Yeah.”

Robert leaned back against the wall, Aaron doing the same thing on the other side of the room. Silence settled between them, as Robert’s gaze wavered towards Aaron’s face every few seconds. He wished things could have been different between them, that they hadn’t been in this awful position where they were torn between their families and their mutual attraction.

He wanted to kiss Aaron all the time. Even when he wasn’t near, Robert thoughts always drifted towards him. Trying to picture what Aaron would be doing at that specific moment, what Aaron would say to him when he’d done something stupid, or that he’d rather would’ve been with him than being stuck in a hospital room with his depressed brother and his over concerned family members or sitting around at Victoria’s place doing nothing.

He could remember multiple occasions where he had gotten off, in the shower, in bed, even once in his car, just thinking about Aaron, just imagining his hands and mouth on his body. And even now, as the silence dragged on and Aaron couldn’t even look at him and probably wanted him to go, Robert wanted to talk to him, wanted to kiss him, touch him, fuck him. He wanted to pull Aaron close to him, wanted to feel him, his skin underneath his fingertips. He needed it, felt like he had been holding himself back for days, weeks even. He couldn’t take this longing any longer, felt like he could burst any moment. But he knew he had just blown his chance of that ever happening, to ever feel Aaron body pressed against his own again.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Aaron suddenly started speaking and Robert realized Aaron had been thinking about something completely different when he spoke, his voice was soft, nothing more than a low rumble: “You know I was the one who brought Debbie home from the police station. She couldn’t sleep in her own bed, because that was where he…” Aaron’s voice wavered and Robert realized Aaron couldn’t say the words out loud. Aaron cleared his throat, before he continued: “She stayed up all night with me, watching documentaries about cars and animals. She eventually fell asleep on my shoulder. When I woke up the next morning, she was cleaning the whole house, as if she had to erase every fingerprint he could’ve left in her house. When Sarah and Jack came home with Cain, she hugged them so tight, I thought she would start to cry, but she didn’t. She hasn’t shed a tear ever since she went to the police station.”

Robert swallowed loudly after Aaron’s words, not really knowing what to say. He had never really taken the time to let Aaron talk about Debbie’s side of the story, as he had never really talked to Aaron about Andy’s side of the story. Aaron’s dark, burning eyes landed on Robert. “Nobody would lie about this. Nobody.”

Aaron’s tone was angry, but there was something else in his voice, something that Robert had heard there before, but still couldn’t place. But it didn’t really matter, when Aaron’s words sank in and Robert snapped: “So you think Andy tried to kill himself because he felt guilty? Is that what you’re thinking?”

Aaron’s face hardened. “You don’t want me to answer that.”

And Robert knew Aaron was right, he didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to know if Aaron really thought that. Because guessing what Aaron would answer and hearing what Aaron’s answer would be, were two totally different things.

He wanted to be mad at Aaron, he wanted to yell at him for even thinking his brother could even do something like that. He wanted to lash out at Aaron, tell him he had no place to judge his brother. But he didn’t. Instead all he could do was stare at Aaron for a moment, before he just shook his head, and he didn’t know why but he felt disappointed, hurt even by Aaron’s words.

“Just go, Robert,” Aaron said, his voice neutral and Robert knew Aaron was fighting hard to keep his emotions under control. Aaron suddenly turned around, opened the door to the back room and walked inside, leaving the door open behind him. Before Robert could even think about it, he moved in after Aaron and grabbed Aaron’s arm to stop him from walking.

Aaron turned around and pulled away the moment, Robert touched his arm. “Just get out, Robert,” Aaron spoke, but even though Aaron tried to hide it, Robert read the emotions in Aaron’s eyes he so desperately had wanted to hide.

“Fine. I just wanna know one thing,” Robert replied angrily. He wasn’t done with this conversation, suddenly needing the truth from Aaron, right here and now. He needed a good reason to lash out at him, needed a way out for all these bottled up emotions inside of him. But when Aaron looked up at him, he realized how close they really were and his gaze dropped down to Aaron’s lips for a moment, before looking back up into Aaron’s eyes. Aaron looked taken aback for a moment, before his eyes clouded over with lust.

There was a disturbing outside the door leading to the pub and Robert realized, Chas was coming their way from out of the pub. “Yes, I am sure,” she yelled, while her voice came closer after every spoken word. “Just go without me!”

Suddenly Aaron moved and opened the door to the hallway. Robert could do nothing else than follow him when Aaron gave him a begging look over his shoulder. He had just closed the door, when he heard Chas enter from the other room. “What are you… Where are you going?” Robert asked slightly annoyed as he followed Aaron up the stairs.

“Just keep your voice down, will ya,” Aaron replied, shooting Robert a look over his shoulder.

“Aaron, I thought you told me she would stay away all night,” Robert grunted softly, as he followed Aaron towards his bedroom. “So what now? I can’t just leave and walk out of that door. She might-” Aaron didn’t stop walking and entered his bedroom, leaving the door open for Robert to follow him inside. He did and closed the door behind him. “Aaron, are you even listening-” Robert broke off on a tiny grunt when Aaron pushed him back against the door. The stunned look melted of his face when Aaron crowded close, smoothing his hands up Robert’s chest, fingers tangling in the material of his jacket. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, Aaron leaned forward and pressed his lips to Robert’s. Then Robert caught on with the program and hauled him closer, by the back of his head. The taste of Aaron’s lips left him breathless, like a starved man and all Robert wanted to do was plunder Aaron’s mouth, and that was exactly what he did, forcing Aaron’s lips wider as he explored his mouth. He felt a bit desperate, had wanted Aaron alone for as long as he could remember and to finally have him here, broke all his barriers, his mind clouding over with want. He moved his hands down to Aaron’s hips, pulled him forward to rub his cock against Aaron’s, all the while the kiss raged on. With an impatient murmur, Robert moved forward, pushing Aaron backwards, until he knew they had reached the bed and he pushed Aaron down on it. He settled on top of Aaron and nudged his legs apart. Aaron’s hands pulled his face down and he kissed him again and this time Robert moaned into Aaron’s mouth by the feeling. Aaron opened his mouth under his and not willing to let the opportunity go to waste Robert licked into his mouth, drawing small gasps from Aaron. He wanted Aaron, he needed Aaron. Right here and now.

xXx

Dazed, Aaron just kind of let it all happen. He grunted when Robert’s hands fell to his neck, angled him to deepen the kiss. They were both breathing heavily, and Aaron just wanted more, could finally taste Robert again and it made him dizzy with want. Firm, confident hands slid down Aaron’s body and onto his hips. He couldn’t kiss Robert hard enough, couldn’t ever be close enough. He gripped onto the black leather jacket Robert was wearing, before he pulled it off, Robert helping him in the process. Then Robert pulled at his hoodie and knowing what he wanted, Aaron pulled it over his head. For a moment he was afraid Robert wanted to pull his T-shirt off as well, but Robert just moved forwards and pressed his lips back to Aaron’s. Robert’s mouth was hot and wet and perfect and Aaron’s skin crawled by the feeling.

“How long…,” Robert suddenly murmured, grinding his cock into Aaron’s thigh. “…have you thought of this?”

The question made Aaron blush. He gasped when Robert grinded his cock against Aaron’s and even through their clothes, it felt hotter than hell. “Since… you kissed me.” It was not entirely true, Aaron had thought about this, the moment they had first met.

Robert smirked all knowingly, before he moved to Aaron’s ear and whispered low and husky: “Thought about doing this, the moment we met.”

All Aaron could do was stare at Robert, when Robert looked back into his eyes, the smirk still on his face. Aaron smiled lightly back at him, which made Robert’s smile turn just a bit wider, his eyes darkening. Robert suddenly rose from the bed, kicking of his shoes and socks and pulling of his trousers and blue sweater, all the while keeping eye contact with Aaron. And Aaron was still staring at Robert, although now it was for a whole different reason. Robert was fit. He had already known this, but seeing him standing there, in the middle of his small bedroom, with only his boxers on, made Aaron’s heart stammer and his blood boil. He wanted him, didn’t know if he had ever wanted anyone this much.

Robert still had that cocky smile around his lips and a burning fire in his eyes. Aaron had to look away from Robert’s intense stare, so just to give himself something to do, Aaron sat up straight and untied his own shoes and took them off, together with his socks. Before he could do anything more, Robert pushed him back on the bed and straddled him again, kissing him fiercely, hungrily. Robert’s hands were everywhere at once, making Aaron tense and arch up into him, feeling his body burning up underneath Robert’s caresses. He could feel Robert tugging his T-shirt up and he froze immediately.

Feeling insecure, Aaron put his hand on top of Robert’s, stilling his movements. “Don’t.”

Aaron bit his lip, swallowing uncomfortably, before he looked up into Robert’s eyes. Robert looked confused for a moment before his eyes turned warm, understanding and Aaron had to fight hard to keep his emotions under control by that look. “It’s okay,” Robert eventually mumbled, his voice warm and soothing. “You’re beautiful to me. I know it's hard for you… but to me, this shows how strong you are.” Smiling, Robert rolled of him and propped himself up on an elbow to look at him. “What you’ve overcome.”

Aaron had never thought of it that way, had only seen his scars and appearance as something ugly and foreign.

Something he should hide.

“But if you are not comfortable, you can keep it on. If you want.” Robert’s eyes were still looking at him, questioning. No pressure, no judgement, just a questioning look, leaving the choice to him. And somehow, that look made Aaron feel safe, saver than he had felt in a long time.

“Maybe next time, yeah?” he offered, his voice soft, feeling shy, feeling like maybe he disappointed Robert by declining. But Robert’s eyes lit up and a cocky smile appeared on his face. “So there’s gonna be a next time, is there?”

Aaron bit on his lower lip, trying to stop himself from smiling himself. “Well yeah, if you want.”

Robert’s smile only turned wider, his eyes sparkling mischievously, which was answer enough for Aaron, a warm feeling settling in his chest. Robert reached out and caressed the side of Aaron’s face with feathery soft fingers, before he moved in and softly kissed Aaron’s lips once, twice, before Aaron pushed against Robert’s shoulder, so Robert rolled on his back and Aaron straddled him. Robert gazed up at him with a warm, but smouldering expression in his eyes and Aaron reached to cup Robert’s cheek and brushed a thumb over the freckles along his cheekbones, kissing them lightly with a shy smile. He kissed his way down Robert’s shoulder, kissed Robert’s collar bone, kissed the hollow of Robert’s throat. By the time he made his way back to Robert’s lips, they were already flushed, full and pink. Aaron thought he would take his time but apparently Robert was done waiting, turning them around again and flattening Aaron to the bed with a kiss that evaporated the oxygen in Aaron’s lungs.

Robert pulled back after a moment and Aaron followed Robert with his eyes as Robert removed Aaron’s trousers and boxers, Aaron shifting slightly to help him. Aaron couldn’t help but let his eyes waver over Robert’s body as Robert crawled back over him, from the contours of his stomach down to the hipbones where his skin was stretched tight, past legs with thick corded muscle in the thighs and a bend near where the knee met the calf. When he looked back up to Robert’s eyes, he noticed Robert was looking at him as well and Aaron’s toes curled slightly under the silent attention of Robert’s gaze, as if Robert’s stare caressed his body.

Robert grinned slowly, before he seized in and kissed Aaron fierce and hot.

Aaron moved his hands over Robert’s back, wanting to feel Robert’s soft skin underneath his fingertips, moaning softly when Robert’s body grinded against his cock. Robert buried his face in Aaron’s neck, moaning low in his throat and Aaron knew Robert enjoyed it, just as much as he did. Aaron’s hands moved downwards on their own accord, until they pulled Robert’s boxers down and Robert lifted his hips and helped him taking it off. Aaron couldn’t help but look down between their two bodies and a groan almost left his mouth when their cocks dragged together. Aaron licked his lips, before Robert closed the gap between them again and kissed him. Aaron moved his hand, between their bodies and placed his hand around Robert’s cock. Robert shuddered by the sudden feeling and Aaron stroked slowly, fingers dragging over Robert’s red and rock hard cock and couldn’t help but feel a surge of victory when Robert buried his face in Aaron’s neck again and groaned low in his throat: “Fucking _hell_ Aaron, just like that,” and some guttural noises that were even hotter.

He took his time, stroking Robert’s cock and kissing Robert’s neck and feeling positively giddy at the way Robert writhed against him, hissing as Robert moved his hips against his own dick. He swept and gripped the length of Robert until Robert bit down on the skin between Aaron’s clavicle and throat and Aaron’s hips shot up by the pain drawn together with pleasure which coursed through his body.

He leaned upward and lapped at Robert’s lips, grinning as Robert tried to reciprocate but really just ended up panting into Aaron’s mouth.

And then Robert suddenly moved, moving Aaron’s legs apart. Aaron knew what was coming as he placed his feet on the bed and God he wanted it. He reached over and he could just jam the drawer of his bedside table open. He searched for something and when he had found it, he tossed it on the bed. Lube and a condom. When he looked back at Robert’s face, he noticed Robert smiling approvingly down at him. Robert grabbed the tube with lube and coaxed his fingers in it, his other hand wavering slowly over Aaron’s thigh.

Robert ran one slick finger down the crease of Aaron’s ass and Aaron knew exactly what was coming. When a finger slipped in, pushing past resistance with a deep breath from Aaron, their lips were touching. Aaron moaned and breathed into Robert’s mouth, gasping when one finger became two. When Robert hit the sweet spot inside Aaron, he gasped for air as his hips lifted straight off the mattress.

He groaned when Robert added a third finger and spread him open wider. It almost felt too much at once, but Aaron didn’t want Robert to stop, his own fingers digging into the sheets. His hips were suddenly thrusting upwards and it felt so good, so damned good that Aaron could barely breathe as Robert experimentally moved his fingers inside of him, slowly. Robert was all around Aaron, whispering encouragements in his ear and Aaron felt like he was fading and disintegrating into million sparks of heated pleasure that all came from the feeling of Robert’s long fingers inside of him.

Aaron silently begged for more, fingers not entirely enough and somehow Robert got it, as he pulled his fingers back. Aaron lay his head back on the bed, suddenly feeling empty without Robert’s fingers inside him. He heard the opening of a wrapping and he looked up at Robert. He moved his eyes downwards when he realized what Robert was doing. Robert’s hand was around his own cock as he slipped a condom on and slicked himself up and Aaron’s breathing accelerated by the image in front of him.

Robert moved and positioned himself in front of Aaron. And Aaron tried to steady his breathing, anticipating what was to come as Robert moved over him, leaning with one hand next to his head.

Their eyes locked and Robert held the gaze as he pushed in inch by inch and Aaron hissed by the feeling of having Robert inside of him, filling him. There was an edge of a burn but it felt immensely good at the same time.

When Robert was fully seated he stopped moving and Aaron let go of his baited breath, his fingers gripping into Robert’s shoulders to steady himself. Robert’s face was flushed, with trying to stay still, silently waiting for Aaron to give him the heads go.

Aaron took in another deep breath, before he nodded his head once, wordlessly. Robert attentively moved, as if he was testing the waters, but Aaron needed more, so he thrusted his hips upwards in the same rhythm as Robert moved downwards and Robert’s eyes shot open in surprise, before his eyes clouded over with lust and want.

Aaron hands were digging into Robert’s back, pulling him closer and their mouths met in a heated kiss. Robert started to move in earnest now and Aaron had to pull his mouth away from Robert’s, just so he could breathe properly. Robert grunted low in his throat and Aaron gasped when Robert hit his prostate, his hips lifting straight of the mattress, heat pulling through his body. Robert pounded faster into him and the mattress began to squeak with the force of their movements. Robert positioned himself higher, mounting in a way so that he could pound down uninhibited. The sound of Robert’s cock fucking into him made Aaron delirious. Shock braided with pleasure, as a thought crossed his mind and he was stupefied with an overload of sensation. Because no one, no one in his entire life had been with him like this, had leaned and pressed and curved against him like this, it had never, ever felt like this. He knew they were both at the end of their ropes when Robert’s thrusts became deeper and slower; he pulled himself out nearly all the way, then slid back in, aiming deep and Aaron arched up from the bed.

Robert felt good against him, every bit of him pulling taut with sweat and clenching muscle as his hips rolled and his hands gripped at Aaron’s hips like he would die if he didn’t have something to grab onto. Then Robert leaned over Aaron and wrapped his hand around Aaron’s cock, and sparks flew through Aaron’s body. He could do nothing more than thrust forwards into the heat of Robert’s hand. And it felt incredible.

He actually felt the liquid heat in his stomach pooling higher and he rose to meet it, hips thrusting of their own accord, fast and hard. He knew where this heat was taking him, he could feel the pressure in his stomach as that bright and white hot and furious feeling began to make his vision go blurry. It had just never felt this overwhelming, never this intense. And he could feel Robert getting closer as well, the grip on his hipbone intensifying. He opened his eyes with all his will-power and looked at Robert, realizing in that moment, Robert was looking back at him, the fire in his eyes, but there was something else as well, something electrifying, something Aaron had never seen there before.

Aaron grunted out loud when Robert slammed against his prostate once, twice, three times and Aaron let go, let the wave of pleasure wash over him as his body locked down and his hips thrusted upwards, gasping as his head rolled back. His fingers dug into the skin of Robert’s back as the orgasm run through him. Robert’s hand worked him through the aftershocks, as Aaron came down from his high, trying to catch his breath.

As he quieted down, he could feel Robert still moving inside him and somehow he reached up his hand, pulling Robert face closer and he kissed Robert on the mouth, pushing his tongue inside as he did so.

And Robert gripped onto Aaron’s hips, grunting a warning into Aaron’s mouth, before his body shuddered and Aaron could swear he heard his name fall from Robert’s lips as Robert buried his face into the crook of Aaron’s neck, the orgasm taking over his body.

Robert fell down on top of Aaron and stayed there for a few minutes, not moving, before he retracted and softly pulled out of Aaron, Aaron hissing softly by that feeling. Robert got rid of the condom and rolled onto his back. Aaron tried to catch his breath as he lay there in the silence with Robert beside him.

They lay there on the bed, as the silence dragged on and suddenly it was a little awkward because that had been…really awesome and a little intense. Aaron was not going to say anything about it, but he was pretty sure he had come because Robert had been _looking_ intensely at him, and Robert had come because Aaron had been _kissing_ him. Everything had felt intense and close and Aaron had never come harder in his life than when Robert had fucked him and had let Aaron fuck into the constricting warmth of his hand.

Aaron shot a sideways glance at Robert, feeling like he should say something, do something, and every cell in his body was calling for him to just curl up against Robert’s side and touch Robert just because he could now and place a hand over Robert’s bare chest and tell Robert something, anything, but when he turned his head the words died in his throat.

Because Robert was looking at him, not touching or fucking or sucking or even talking but just _looking_ at Aaron, and there was something completely open in his face that sent a feeling like summer pouring into Aaron’s system. It was not a burning heat like it had been moments before, but subtle, sweltering, and it felt so familiar that Aaron wanted it to stay there forever.

He had to clear his throat to find his voice again and when he did, his voice sounded hoarse: “You can stay the night. If you want?”

It wasn’t meant to come out as a question, but it did and Aaron turned slightly red and moved his eyes back to the ceiling.

Robert’s voice surprised him and his eyes shot back to Robert’s face. “I would like that.”

Aaron just nodded his head and pulled the blankets over his body, Robert crawled under it as well and sighed content. Robert smiled at him when he caught Aaron staring, before he mumbled: “Good night.”

“Night.”

Words were left unsaid, but right now Aaron felt like they didn’t need to hear the words to know what the other was thinking.

He had thought it would take him a long time to fall to sleep, but he was gone the moment he laid his head to rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I put in such an effort in writing this chapter for you, would you be so kind in leaving a comment for me? ;p I would really love it, if you would :)


	10. Torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! A new chapter! Seriously, thank you so much for all those beautiful comments! You really have no idea how much it means to me, to read people are actually enjoying this story! Thank you all for leaving kudos! And of course thanks for reading! Enjoy! :)

He blinked into consciousness, aware that his body was a lot warmer than it usually was when he woke up on cold mornings. His arm was asleep, and he didn’t notice until Robert realized that he’d somehow managed to wrap his entire body around Aaron’s torso and legs, Robert’s now-asleep arm wedged firmly underneath Aaron’s shoulder blades. Aaron was warm and his chest was moving slowly up and down above Robert’s trapped arm and it felt, for just a second, if Robert tilted his head and squinted, like this moment wasn’t so stolen and rather something that happened all the time, the familiarity of it, the promise of it. He had to close his eyes against that thought, and how badly he wanted it.

“Morning,” Aaron mumbled softly.

Robert’s eyes shot open by the sound of Aaron’s voice, his gaze coming to rest on Aaron’s face. There was something achingly wonderful about Aaron on the edge of wakefulness. A vulnerability in his eyes, a throatiness voice that spoke with a softness rather than the usual roughness. Robert should feel guilty, he should, but there was a safe bubble around the two of them in this moment, and to look at Aaron, to see the small smile on Aaron’s face…it was…

Even with his heart and feelings locked up tight, it was still the greatest thing Robert had ever seen.

“Hi,” Robert replied softly, and then, because he had nothing better to say: “I think we slept through most of the morning.”

“Probably.”

Robert swallowed hard as the air between them, which was not a lot of air, because they were already plastered together under thick blankets, felt heavy and charged with something that… with something Robert wasn’t used to.

Robert tried to pull his arm away from under Aaron when suddenly Aaron’s voice changed. He almost sounded vulnerable, when he asked: “Do you need to leave?”

“No,” Robert blurted out, feeling caught out, before he looked into Aaron’s questioning eyes and sighed: “I’m just… I’m not good at…I need to leave.” He pulled his arm away from under Aaron and moved to get out of bed.

“Robert, wait.” Aaron’s warm hand on his upper arm stopped Robert in his tracks.

“Aaron…” Robert groaned, annoyed but kind of loving Aaron’s near presence at the same time.

“Just-” Aaron started, but something stopped him, his cheeks turning slightly red under Robert’s staring gaze and Robert wondered what was going on inside Aaron’s mind.

They were so close, Robert could feel Aaron’s warm breath on his face and Robert was _not_ breathing, too busy trying to figure out whether Aaron was in some kind of fever induced dream as Aaron reached up and brushed his fingers through Robert’s hair. And Robert… Robert didn’t know what to do in the face of _this_ : this person he was supposed to hate and was supposed to stay as far away from as possible, this person who was touching him with rough but gentle hands, overheated from the hours spent in bed. This, Aaron’s lips parting on a thought that he seemed to bite back and rethink several times over before he finally mumbled:

“Kiss me.”

Robert opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out and Robert realized he had no idea what he needed to say to Aaron’s request. And then Aaron looked away from Robert’s face, a warm color on his cheeks, his hand dropping from Robert’s hair, clearly uncomfortable. Aaron bit his lip, and he looked entirely innocent but Robert knew without a doubt that it was the most pornographic gesture he had ever seen.

In that moment he realized he didn’t need to say anything, he just needed to act. He touched the side of Aaron’s face and turned his face towards him, before he leaned forward and brushed his lips against Aaron’s. A moment later Aaron kissed him back just the same. It was not eager or desperate, it just…was. There was no huge earth shattering realization. They were just here, and Robert felt like he had lived through years, decades, to get here, to feel like this. But it was not the victory lap he had considered, nor the disappointment he had feared. It just was, a solid undeniable fact that he was here, in this bed, kissing Aaron. Aaron’s hand in Robert’s hair, holding his face, Aaron’s tongue slipping inside, which extracted a moan from Robert, Aaron’s toes pressing against Robert’s calves. In all Robert’s guiltiest dreams, he had never imagined the simplicity of it, had never pictured a world in which Aaron would be the base for everything in his life. A world where Robert was somehow worthy for this. A world where Aaron was inevitable as the rising sun spreading over Robert’s skin. Kissing Aaron felt inevitable.

When he pulled back and looked into Aaron’s eyes, it seemed like he could read Aaron’s heart in his eyes, his eyes open and full of emotions. It was a look Robert wasn’t ready for, a look that touched something deep inside of Robert, something he was afraid of, something he had tried to bury for as long as he could remember.

He couldn’t face it, wasn’t ready. So he moved his eyes away from Aaron’s face and mumbled: “I really should leave though. I don’t think you want your mother finding out I’m here.”

When Robert looked back up, he read the turmoil in Aaron’s eyes, before Aaron just nodded. “Yeah, probably not such a good idea,” Aaron replied, screwing his face up by the thought of Chas finding out.

Aaron’s face made Robert smile lightly despite himself, before he moved and searched for his clothes, pulling them on. He noticed Aaron did the same and was even faster than him. Robert felt how Aaron’s eyes followed his movements and Robert couldn’t help but smile, knowing Aaron was looking at him.

“So what now?” Aaron asked hesitantly, when he was fully dressed.

Robert pulled his jacket on, before he held still in front of Aaron. “I don’t know. I would like it to happen again. How about you?”

“Yeah,” Aaron answered nervously, biting his lower lip.

“Alright then. I’ll text ya, when I have some time,” Robert replied.

Aaron’s face darkened at once and Robert wondered at once what the hell he had said wrong now. “So that’s all this is to you? Just an easy fuck?” Aaron stated, his eyes burning angrily.

“Sorry?” Robert responded, frowning his forehead in confusion.

“I should’ve known,” Aaron muttered, as if he was talking to himself: “I am so stupid.”

“Aaron, what are you talking about?” Robert asked again, totally lost, he had no idea what he had said wrong, why Aaron was reacting this way.

“Nothing. Just go, Robert,” Aaron replied, not even looking at him anymore and Robert just stood there, stunned, wondering what had just happened. But Aaron didn’t say anything anymore, didn’t even want to look at him, so there was no other thing to do then to just leave.

xXx

Aaron walked into the back room, just having showered, seeing his mother sitting at the kitchen table with a papers scattered all around her. “What are you doing?” Aaron asked, as he frowned his forehead, trying to act like everything was okay, as if Robert hadn’t just hurt his feelings with his insensitive comments.

Chas sighed, looking up for a split second, before she looked down at her work again. “I am trying to sort out the orders.”

“Isn’t that Diane’s job?” Aaron asked, while he poured some cereal in a bowl and opened the fridge, just to realize Chas didn’t answer his question. When he looked up, he noticed she was giving him a piercing look and he realized he must’ve said something wrong. “What?” he muttered.

“Do you see Diane anywhere? Cause I certainly don’t,” she replied, sounding petulantly.

Aaron pulled a face by the tone in his mother’s voice, before he poured the milk over his cereal, put the milk back in the fridge and sat himself down in front of his mum.

“You want me to help you then?” he proposed as he pulled a piece of paper from between the scattered ones on the table. “No, thank you,” Chas replied, grabbing the piece of paper from Aaron. “I need for Diane to be here and not to be at the hospital visiting that rapist all the time.”

Aaron’s mood dropped again. He hated how every single conversation he had nowadays was somehow laced with the trial in one way or another. He hated how everyone seemed to turn against each other, even when it were just these small snide remarks, Aaron knew they were sincere. He heard them all too often nowadays, from his family as much as from Robert’s.

“Sorry, love. It’s none of your concern. I’ll figure it out,” Chas apologized, sounding less heated. She probably had seen the look on his face. “Shouldn’t you be at work anyway?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, feeling his face heating up. He should be at work, but he and Robert had slept through the whole morning.

“You should be glad to hear Cain’s not at the garage today then,” Chas replied: “He’s been in a right mood after he heard the trial has been postponed.”

Aaron just nodded, biting his lip lightly. He felt bad for Cain, and he was mad himself because the trial had been postponed, as it would take even longer for Debbie to get some kind of closure, but he was also glad he wouldn’t be tormented by his uncle for being late at work.

“I did hear you were having fun last night,” Chas suddenly continued, her voice turning smug. Aaron looked up in horror by his mother’s words and he realized she must’ve heard him and Robert last night, which shouldn’t have been such a surprise as Robert was quite noisy in bed. It had been a major turn on for Aaron, to hear all those panting sounds and longing moans coming from Robert’s lips, but now with his mother sat in front of him, he wished he had told Robert to keep it down.

“It’s really none off your business,” Aaron grumbled slightly irritated. He hated it when his mother did this, trying to get him to talk about his love life, or lack of it for that matter. She was always way too enthusiast when he brought someone home. He was just glad she hadn’t heard Robert leave, because even though he was mad at Robert, he knew in how much trouble they both would be if they got caught. He frankly didn’t want that. If that would happen, there was no chance at all Robert would ever talk to him again.

Chas was still just looking at him, as if she expected a better explanation. “Alright, fine. Yeah, I took someone home and I slept with him. No big deal. Now, can you leave me alone,” Aaron suddenly snapped, hating the staring look from Chas.

Chas raised her eyebrows by the tone of his voice. “Sorry, I asked,” she spoke, before she stood up and walked towards the pub.

Aaron sighed, trying to calm himself down. It was not fair to take his anger out on his mother, it wasn’t her fault he felt used by Robert, that he had let Robert and the feelings he had for him, cloud his judgement. He bit his lip and sighed again, when he realized how true his own thoughts were. He had feelings for Robert, might even go as far as saying he was falling for him. He hadn’t even known him that long yet, but apparently that didn’t matter. He knew how it felt to fall for someone and he was definitely falling for Robert. He should be happy about it, hadn’t felt like this since Jackson and even with Jackson it hadn’t felt like this, he hadn’t felt this connected to him as he felt with Robert. It felt like he finally moved on and was he supposed to feel giddy and smiley and shy and just plain happy. But instead this was the worst thing that could happen to him, as he knew that if anyone would find out, he would find himself in serious trouble with his family.

But the worst of it was that he was sure Robert didn’t feel the same. It had been clear this morning, how he had wanted to leave the moment Aaron had woken up, how he had acted, what he had said. For Robert he was nothing more than a warm body, a good fuck whenever he felt like it. And that hurt. A lot. And Aaron knew he deserved better than that. Still, if Robert would turn up at his doorstep right now, Aaron knew he would forgive him in a heartbeat, which only made him realize even more, he was in way too deep.

xXx

Robert entered Victoria’s place and sighed wearily. He felt kind of empty, still trying to figure out what he had done wrong, what he had said that had upset Aaron so greatly. He walked into the living room and shrugged out of his jacket and hang it around a chair before he sat down. He moved a hand over his face, trying to comprehend what had happened, and how he had let it spiral so out of control again. He had gone to see Aaron to end it, to tell him it was never going to work. And somehow he had ended up sleeping with him. That was not meant to happen. But now he had tasted Aaron, had felt Aaron pressed against his own body, it was even harder to give him up than ever before. Still, he knew why he had wanted to give him up yesterday. He loved his family too much to let anything come between that. But how was it possible he couldn’t just turn his feelings off then? Think of this the rational way? Because every time his mind pushed him into the direction of leaving Aaron alone, his heart contracted painfully and he knew he wouldn’t be able to, not now, not after last night.

“Where were you last night?” a voice asked out of nowhere and Robert was startled out of his thoughts. His head shot up, only to see his sister standing there, her hands on a chair, her eyes focused on him.

“What?” he asked confused, realizing his brain hadn’t really registered her words.

“You could’ve at least called. Let us know you wouldn’t be home,” she continued, her eyes still fixed on him and Robert realized his sister had been worried about him, which was a completely new sensation for him. He wasn’t used to people being concerned for his well-being.

“Yeah. Sorry,” he therefore spoke, his voice genuine.

Victoria just nodded her head once, to let him know he was forgiven. “So are you coming with?” she asked a moment later.

Robert frowned confused, his mind had already been wandering to Aaron and what had happened between them that morning. “Where to?”

“The hospital, of course,” Victoria exclaimed and she gave him that look which she only gave him when she couldn’t believe he was actually her brother.

“Maybe later yeah? Just gonna take a shower first,” Robert replied as he stood up from his chair. Just the thought about his brother, made him feel guilty and bad about himself and what he had done last night.

“To wash away the remains of your escapades last night?” Victoria asked, one eyebrow raised.

“What?” Robert spoke, laughing awkwardly, his mind suddenly running in circles after her words, trying to figure out how much she knew, if she knew about Aaron and him.

“It’s okay, Rob. We all need to blow of some steam every now and again. Just don’t need to know the details. I am just glad you listened, you know, about Aaron,” Victoria said softly with a warm smile around her lips and gratitude in her eyes.

Robert felt the guilt rise in his chest, but he tried to hide it behind a smile. He hoped it looked sincere and not as fake as it felt. “Yeah. You were right. It would only cause trouble,” he managed to bring out.

“Exactly,” Victoria replied, smiling up at him with a warm expression on her face, which made him feel even more guilty, but Victoria didn’t notice as she turned around when Adam called her name and appeared in the doorway. “Ready?” he asked.

“Yep,” Victoria answered: “Diane is waiting outside the pub for us.”

Adam’s eyes landed on Robert and Robert tried to keep his face neutral and told himself not to look away. “Is he coming with?” Adam asked and Robert clenched his jaw, trying not to get worked up by Adam’s words. Adam always talked about him as if he wasn’t even there with him. It annoyed him to no end.

“He’ll catch up with us, won’t ya?” Victoria asked, one eyebrow raised, challenging him to disagree with her.

“Yeah. I’ll see you there,” Robert replied, knowing he couldn’t go against his sister, not in this. Victoria looked satisfied by his answer, before she turned and walked outside together with Adam. When Robert heard the front door close, he sighed and slumped down on a chair, no idea what to do next.

xXx

Robert just leaned casually against the wall, playing with his phone, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he belonged there. Thankfully no one had started to ask him uncomfortable questions as he wouldn’t quite be able to explain what he was doing. He knew he was supposed to be with his brother right now and he would go there, no matter how this conversation was going to end. He knew he had promised to be there for his brother and he would be, no matter what. But he knew he couldn’t just give up on this either. He knew he had messed up with him and this would probably be in vain, but he didn’t want to leave things between them like that, he didn’t want to fight with Aaron, didn’t want to feel like he had let Aaron down in any way, as it felt like he would let himself down in the process. He needed to see if he could fix things between them.

He knew he was being selfish. He knew he should just walk away from it all. Victoria and Andy would hate him if they ever found out about what he was doing. He felt terrible about ignoring his sister’s wishes, he felt torn between his family and this thing with Aaron. But a deep part of him couldn’t walk away from Aaron, didn’t even know how to. Because now he knew how Aaron felt against him, now he knew how it felt to have Aaron wrapped around his body, how it felt to be buried deep inside of him, he couldn’t walk away. He needed it, he needed Aaron’s touch more than he needed air to breath.

He finally understood why Aaron had been so upset with him this morning. It had been a little insensitive what he had said, but it wasn’t like they could just hang out in the village. They both knew that. But he also understood that Aaron wasn’t just an easy fuck for him, he was far more than that. So maybe he should’ve made more of an effort.

He was planning to make it up to him though, if he hadn’t already ruined everything. He walked up the grit path, towards the garage. He had waited until Dan and Ross had left for lunch, waiting a little longer to make sure Aaron was the only one there. He tried not to think about how much of a stalker that made him. When he entered, he looked around and noticed Aaron was standing near a car and was writing something down on a clipboard. “Hiya,” Robert said, as he leaned against the garage door. He tried to act like he was more confident about the whole situation than he really was, his heart hammering away in his chest, seeing Aaron standing there.

Aaron’s head shot up and his eyes darkened immediately. “I thought a text would be enough?” he grunted sarcastically as he moved to the small office to put the clipboard away. Robert followed him further inside.

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said,” Robert started, dropping the act. “It was-”

“Rude?” Aaron commented harshly, as he turned to face Robert, the same look still visible in his eyes.

“Yes, thanks,” Robert replied sarcastically, a bit stung by Aaron’s words. No matter how much he deserved it, he still wasn’t used to being called out like that when he messed up.

“What are you doing here then?” Aaron continued, in the same voice, as if he didn’t really have time for any of it.

Robert sighed, knowing he needed to be honest for Aaron to let him in again. “Thought I’d come by to see how you were doing.”

“I’m fine,” Aaron replied curtly, walking passed Robert and back to the car he probably had been working on. Then he stopped moving and turned around to look at Robert. After a moment of hesitation, he added: “You?”

Robert was touched by Aaron’s concern for him, knowing he asked because of what happened with Andy and everything afterwards.

“Yeah, good,” Robert answered, not willing to talk about it, feeling guilty enough as it was for even being here with Aaron and knowing it would probably lead to them falling out again if they would talk about Andy or Debbie. He moved in closer to Aaron. He took a deep breath, burying his hands in his pocket, feeling slightly uncomfortable about what he was going to do. “Was just thinking, want to go out for dinner with me?”

Aaron’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment as if he couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “Like a date?” Aaron asked, sounding half surprised, half amused by Robert’s proposal.

“Well, yeah. I could pick you up at, let’s say, six thirty. We could even book a hotel room if you want.” Robert’s eyes held Aaron’s gaze, waiting for his answer, needing to know his answer.

Robert noticed Aaron couldn’t completely suppress a smile. “Yeah, okay. Why not.”

Robert smiled smugly, had already hoped Aaron would say yes. “Alright. See you tonight then.”

Aaron bit his lower lip, before he nodded. “Tonight.”

xXx

Aaron walked back into the bedroom of the hotel room, wearing just his boxers and his T-shirt, just having showered, his hair still wet. He had had a great time last night. He had felt a bit awkward at the beginning, as Robert had taken him to some fancy restaurant, but after a few drinks he had started to relax and had really enjoyed himself, had even found himself laughing at Robert’s terrible smug jokes. They had avoided to talk about Andy or Debbie. Instead they had talked about their pasts. Robert had told him a bit more about his life with Chrissie and Aaron had told him about his time in France with Ed.

When they had finally gone to their hotel, they had both been a little drunk, a little giddy and very horny. Robert hadn’t even been able to control himself and had launched himself at him in the elevator on their way up to the hotel room. He had walked close to Aaron when they had walked from the elevator to their room and the moment they had been inside the room, Aaron had been pressed against the wall, Robert’s lips pressed against his moments later.

Aaron smiled to himself at the memories, while his eyes wavered to Robert. He noticed Robert was still fast asleep under the blankets and a smile crept over Aaron’s face when an idea entered his mind. He had to bite his lip to stifle a laugh, before he moved, took a sprint and landed with a jump next to Robert on the mattress.

Robert screamed like a little girl when he was ripped out of his dreams and Aaron broke out in laughter by that sound as Robert struggled to push the blankets away from him in distress. Aaron was laughing so hard now, he was lying on his back on the bed, his body shaking with laughter.

“Aaron,” Robert said hoarse, his voice sounding almost mad, but Aaron could hear the affection and adoration in his voice. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Aaron was grasping his stomach, still laughing loudly. “You… screamed like a little girl.” Saying it out loud brought another wave of laughter up inside of Aaron, which he wasn’t able to contain.

“I did not,” Robert replied, sounding slightly offended.

“So did,” Aaron answered cheekily, his eyes lightening up.

“I am going to kill you for this,” Robert vowed, before he moved and pushed Aaron down into the mattress. Aaron was still grinning as he looked up at Robert. “Don’t think you will,” Aaron replied with confidence.

“Watch me,” Robert commented, before he moved in and caught Aaron into a heady kiss.

“Ehm, morning breath,” Aaron mumbled, pulling back.

“That’s punishment for waking me up like that,” Robert replied, his eyes sparkling bright.

“I hate you,” Aaron stated.

“Hmm,” Robert mumbled softly, while he kissed the side of Aaron’s mouth: “Not very convincing.” He leaned in and kissed Aaron again.

And this time Aaron didn’t pull away.

xXx

Robert was glad it was dark. He had found out how hard it was to sneak out of a house when it was broad daylight. It was short to a miracle he hadn’t been caught yet. Even though Diane lived in the pub, she spent more time at Victoria’s place than there, so he didn’t really have a good excuse to even leave the pub via the back door. He had told Victoria he had been away for a business trip last night, when he had spent the night with Aaron in the hotel and she hadn’t made anything from it. He felt guilty about lying, but when he had been with Aaron, all thoughts about his family had left him and he had just enjoyed himself.

He had been to the hospital after he had made up with Aaron in the garage yesterday, but he hadn’t stayed long, had felt like the guilt had been written all over his face. Andy, who probably had gotten used to his quick visits, hadn’t made anything of it. Victoria had given him that look, but hadn’t said anything either. He had stayed a little longer this afternoon though, felt like he owed it to his brother to do so. Andy had told him what had drove him to suicide, how it had felt. Robert knew why Andy had told him, as his brother felt like had had no one else to really talk to. So Robert would listen to anything he had to say, even though listening to his brother, had probably been the hardest thing he had had to do in a very long time. Ever since Andy had spoken with him about it, Robert hadn’t been able to unsee these images. He had felt on the edge ever since he had left the hospital. He needed a distraction, he needed Aaron.

Robert tried to make no sound as he entered, was very quiet when he walked up the stairs and even quieter when he slowly opened the bedroom door. Aaron looked up by the door moving and his expression turned surprised when he noticed who was standing in the doorway. “How did you get in?” he asked.

“I used the door,” Robert answered matter of factly, while he closed the door behind him and walked into the room. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be here, but his mind had been wandering all day, so he needed something to bring his mind to rest and Aaron was the only one who seemed able to these past few days.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Did you break in here? Seriously?”

“Technically it wasn’t breaking in. I borrowed Diane’s keys,” Robert clarified smugly.

“Stole, more like,” Aaron commented, sounding not impressed at all.

Robert sighed annoyed, feeling slightly insecure by Aaron’s attitude. “You want me here or not?”

“You can stay, I suppose,” and although his words weren’t really enthusiast, Robert could hear the happy tone in Aaron’s voice.

Aaron made room for him on the bed and Robert dropped down on the mattress, making the bed squeak for a moment. “Will you keep it down. My mom lies next door.”

“Good to see you too,” Robert replied cheeky and leaned in to press a kiss on Aaron’s lips. Aaron still looked a bit annoyed but he let Robert kiss him.

After a second Robert pulled back and noticed Aaron was holding a magazine. “What are you reading?”

“Nothing,” Aaron said, closing the magazine and throwing it towards the floor, before moving his attention back to Robert. “So what are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to see you,” Robert answered cheekily, although he knew it was just the simple truth. Aaron shot him a look and Robert laughed softly. “What? I’m not allowed?”

Aaron’s cheeks turned slightly red under his gaze, which Robert found adorable, knowing he had made Aaron feel shy. “Course you are. But we told each other to be careful.”

Robert sighed lightly, knowing Aaron was right. “And I am. Are you?” he asked.

Aaron nodded: “Yeah.”

“So, we have nothing to worry about, do we?” Robert pointed out.

Aaron turned up a corner of his mouth. “S’pose so.”

“Good,” Robert replied, grabbing the remote control from Aaron’s bedside table. “What’d ya wanna watch?”

xXx

Aaron woke up the next morning, with Robert’s arm draped around him. He turned around and noticed Robert was still fast asleep. He smiled lightly by the sight. Robert looked serene when he slept. His face just softened and Aaron had found he loved looking at Robert when he was still asleep.

They had talked until late last night, about everything and nothing. Just little facts he had come to know about Robert and small anecdotes and memories Robert had shared with him. In return Aaron had told him a little bit more about himself, shared stuff with him, he had never told anyone before. Of course it had eventually led to sex, but they had taken their time when it had. It had been slow and intimate and hot as hell. He had felt so connected to Robert, he had almost forgotten sex could be like that.

Robert moved beside him, waking up slowly as he blinked with his eyes and focused them on Aaron’s face. A smile spread over Robert’s face, which nudged at Aaron’s heart as he realized it was because he woke up next to him.

“Morning,” Aaron murmured softly, smiling lightly back at Robert.

“Morning,” Robert replied, as he buried his face into the pillow. “Slept well?”

“Yeah,” Aaron answered softly: “You?”

“Yeah, good,” Robert murmured: “Just a bit sore.” Robert’s eyes lit up brightly, the inclination of what they had done last night hanging between them and Aaron bit his lower lip to stop himself from smirking. Aaron couldn’t keep his eyes off of Robert. He looked amazing with his just out of bed hair and the twinkle in his eyes.

He was suddenly disturbed by a sound outside his door. He looked up the moment his door handle was moved down. His heart started to pound hard against his chest and without any delay he pulled the blankets over Robert’s head, just in time before his mother entered his room.

“Hiya love, are you coming? I made you breakie,” his mother said happily as she strolled into his room.

“Mom, what are you doing?” he hissed, faking annoyance, while his heart was hammering away against his chest.

“Oh, I’m sorry love,” she apologized when she noticed there was another body underneath the blankets, Robert’s blonde hair just visible above it.

Aaron just moved his head towards the door and his mother moved out backwards, a smile on her face, curiously trying to look who was laying underneath the blankets. She stopped when she noticed Aaron’s annoyed look. She mouthed sorry again, before she was out the door and closed it behind her. Robert moved the second he heard the door click.

“Well, that was a close call,” he muttered, his hair pointing in every direction now and if it had been any other time Aaron would’ve loved to run his hands through it. But he had almost been caught in bed with Robert Sugden, by his mother, which didn’t only kill the mood, but made him rethink what he was even doing.

“You need to go,” Aaron insisted, before he moved out of bed. Robert followed behind him, but instead of putting on his clothes he pulled Aaron towards him. “Aaron, Aaron. Why do you always worry so much,” he muttered, moving a hand up to put on Aaron’s jaw, which Aaron slapped away. But Robert wasn’t having any of it and just lay it back on his face, moving Aaron’s face towards him.

“You know exactly why,” Aaron hissed softly, but his words were less heated than he meant as Robert’s presence calmed him slightly down.

“I do,” Robert smirked, his thumb trailing over Aaron’s lower lip, which made Aaron’s breathing hitch. “But your mother is probably downstairs waiting to catch a glimpse of me. So why don’t we stay here until she gets bored of waiting.”

Aaron snorted lightly: “Then you haven’t met my mother yet. She doesn’t give up easily when she has set her mind to something.”

“Neither do I,” Robert replied cocky, a half-smile on his face and Aaron couldn’t do much more than smile back at him, before Robert buried his face in the crook of Aaron’s neck, kissing the skin there, knowing he had won. Aaron walked them back to the bed when Robert’s lips found his.

xXx

Aaron sneaked into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Robert had just silently left through the back door. Aaron had checked before Robert came downstairs if Chas was still in the back room. When he’d known for sure she hadn’t been, he had gotten Robert from upstairs. Before Robert had left, he had kissed Aaron softly and lingering, which had made Aaron feel a bit giddy and a little shy. Robert had smiled that cocky smile and had left.

Aaron was still smiling warmly as he poured the coffee in a mug. He was startled when he heard footsteps coming from the pub and a moment later his mother appeared next to him. “Hiya, love,” she spoke and by the tone in her voice, Aaron knew what was coming and he braced himself for her annoying questions. She grabbed a mug and held it out for Aaron. Aaron almost rolled his eyes and took the mug from his mother to pour her some coffee as well. “Did you sleep well?” Chas smiled smugly at him, which made Aaron shake his head. “I don’t think you did, did ya?”

Aaron turned away from Chas and put her mug on the table. She followed him and sat down at the table. Aaron turned back to the counter to make himself a sandwich.

“So where is your hot date?” Chas asked, her voice way too innocent for Aaron’s liking, already knowing where this was going and he knew he was going to hate every second of it.

“Gone,” he just grunted, not willing to give too much away, knowing what would happen if he did.

“Aah, why didn’t you invite him for breakfast. I would’ve liked to meet him,” Chas gushed, her voice sounding way too happy about it.

“Mom,” Aaron warned.

But she pretended like she didn’t hear him as she just continued: “This one must be pretty special if you’re taking him home again.”

“Mom, can you just drop it,” Aaron tried again, feeling his patience running thin. She knew how much he hated it when she did this, questioning him about his life. And the worst part was that even if he wanted to tell her, he couldn’t because he didn’t want to imagine what she would do if she’d found out it had been Robert whom had stayed over.

“Are you in love? Is it serious?” she continued without any inclination what was going on inside her son’s head, looking up at him, her eyes sparkling.

“Seriously, what’s so hard to understand when I ask you to drop it,” Aaron sighed in annoyance.

“I just want to know,” Chas pouted. “It’s been such a long time since you’ve been happy with anyone.”

Aaron didn’t reply, had no idea what to say to her words, knowing how true they really were, realizing how happy Robert really made him feel.

“So? Is it serious?” Chas asked, and now her voice sounded a bit more serious, as if she wasn’t just teasing him, but really wanted to know the truth.

Aaron sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to get away with non-meaningful answers. “S’pose so, yeah,” he answered truthfully. He tried to tell himself it had only really been three days, but he knew deep down that it didn’t matter, it didn’t make his feelings any less real. “Could be.” When he spoke the words he realized how true they were. This thing with Robert felt serious, had always meant more to him than just sex, since the first moment they had properly talked.

Chas almost squealed in happiness, which made Aaron roll his eyes. “So when can I meet him?”

Aaron froze for a moment. “I don’t know,” he mumbled, trying to figure out what he needed to say to Chas, hoping his face wasn’t turning red. “I’m not ready to share yet.’

Aaron was slightly taken aback when his mother suddenly stood up and hugged him. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered, before she pulled away, a smile on her face. “You deserve to be happy, love.”

Chas moved away and walked towards the front of the pub, while Aaron wondered what the hell he had just done.


	11. Disturbing the peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here I am again! I am so sorry for the slow upload, I have been so busy! But here is the new chapter so Enjoy!
> 
> On a side note: Thanks to Susy (cassiopea-13 on tumblr) for this wonderful idea (you know which one I'm talking about, Susy ;))

“Robert, just give it back!” Aaron exclaimed as he tried to reach for the beer can, Robert holding it in the air, out of his reach. Robert was laughing loudly, clearly enjoying himself. If Aaron hadn’t felt so annoyed, he would find Robert’s laugh the most beautiful sound in the world. But he _was_ annoyed and it only grew as Robert kept on teasingly holding his beer out of his reach.

“You know what? I’ll just get another one,” Aaron grumbled and he jumped from the hood of the car.

“Oh come on, you’re no fun,” Robert replied, his voice still filled with amusement. Aaron just opened the car door. “And you’re a thief,” Aaron answered, before he grabbed a new can from the passenger seat. Aaron closed the car door again and he sat himself back down next to Robert, settling his feet on the bumper of the car. He tried to ignore Robert, still slightly annoyed, while opening his beer can. But even though he didn’t want to, he noticed Robert’s eyes on him and the big grin on his face. If Robert hadn’t been so damn attractive, he would’ve punched that smile right of his face.

“You so hate it,” Robert said teasingly, his eyes lightening up.

“Shut up,” Aaron shot back, taking a sip from his beer, already knowing Robert wouldn’t drop it.

“See? You hate me being taller than you,” Robert continued, amusement covering his voice.

“At least I don’t look like a giraffe,” Aaron shot back.

Robert’s clear laugh filled the open area for a few seconds, the sound doing strange things to Aaron’s heart. “That really hurt my feelings, Aaron,” Robert replied mildly, Aaron’s words clearly not hurting him in any degree. It made Aaron smile to himself, still trying to be pissed, but failing miserably. Robert nudged his shoulder and when Aaron looked up at him, he noticed the warm smile on Robert’s face, his eyes twinkling brightly, telling him it was okay to let go for once, that it was just him, that he didn’t have to hold himself back. Aaron looked away again and allowed himself to smile.

“Thank you for texting me. I really needed a break away from it all,” Robert eventually said, his voice suddenly quiet and soft. Aaron just nodded his head. He knew what Robert meant. Andy had been discharged from the hospital three days ago and in the turmoil of it all, they hadn’t really been able to see each other. Aaron knew it had been partly on him, because after Chas had told him she was happy for him, Aaron had felt so guilty he had tried to stay away. He had tried to keep his distance, but Aaron had found their distance hadn’t been all on his part when Robert had texted him Andy would be coming home. Robert hadn’t been able to free himself from his family from that moment and Aaron hadn’t complained about it, had tried to convince himself that maybe it was better that way. But somehow they still had kept in touch, although it hadn’t been more than a few text messages and a whispered phone call in the middle of the night.

But this morning, after waking three days in a row in a cold bed, without having Robert lying next to him, he hadn’t been able to help himself and had asked Robert if he could find the time to do something this night. Robert had replied with a yes, an exclamation mark and a smiley face which had made Aaron far happier than it probably should’ve done.

Aaron looked up at Robert, seeing the gratitude in his eyes and he just nodded his head. He gazed away again and looked at the night surrounding them. “Where are we anyway?” he asked, taking in his surroundings. They had been driving for a while, until Robert had taken a turn and they had ended up off road, driving over a small road surrounded by trees and bushes. They had gotten out of the car and that was when Aaron had noticed, Robert had brought them to a lake.

Aaron sipped from his beer and took in the scent of grass and the silence that surrounded him. The lake glistened, mirroring the dazzling assemblage of the stars and moon above them. The faint wind brushed against the water’s surface, the ripples ruffling the stillness of the surface, and shredding the reflection of the trees. The lake was as dark as the night, but Aaron believed that in the light of day, the lake was the deepest of blue. The atmosphere was unbelievably quiet and so was Robert, as he stared into the distance.

xXx

Robert looked out over the lake, his feet on the bumper of his car, taking a sip from the can he had stolen from Aaron. He smiled lightly by a distant memory, before he started speaking: “Dad used to take Andy and me fishing here when we were kids. Might be the best memory I have of my father. I wasn’t really good at it, didn’t have the patience. Andy was good at it, though. He loved it. Maybe that’s why my father preferred him over me. Because he saw himself in him, even though they weren’t related.”

“Must’ve been tough,” Aaron reacted softly.

Robert shrugged his shoulders. “I resented him for so long, for being my father’s favorite. For killing my mom.”

“And now?”

Robert looked down at his hands for a moment, remembering the moment they had brought Andy home from the hospital. “I see him struggle every day. He hasn’t been outside yet, ever since he came back home, he is too afraid to face anyone. I have wished him dead so many times, but when I found him after he…I realized in that moment that I love him, that he’s my brother. All I feel is sorry for him that he is going through all of this. I just wish there was a way I could help him.”

Aaron smiled sympathetically, but didn’t say a word. He appreciated that in Aaron more than anything, how he just listened, didn’t judge and even if he did, he didn’t let it show. Robert needed that more than anything in the world. Someone who wouldn’t judge him.

“I went here when I had almost kissed you in the garage all those weeks ago and somehow it made me calm down. It made me remember something, something I'd forgotten about.” Robert looked out over the lake, his mind far away. “Dad always needed to teach me again and again how to fish, just because I didn’t pay attention to him at all. So eventually he did spend more time with me and talked more to me than he did with Andy. He gave Andy more compliments, that’s for sure and I always remembered that bit. But now I also remember his patience teaching me.” Robert laughed to himself. “If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with other things, I might have seen it sooner. That he loved me in his own way.”

“You were just a kid, Robert. You didn’t know any better.”

Robert looked at Aaron for a moment, before he let his eyes trail off again. “Just wished it could’ve been different, you know? That he hadn’t sent me away, that I had lived up to his expectations.”

“I think you don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations but your own.”

“Wish it was that easy,” Robert sighed.

Aaron snorted at that: “It isn’t. I mean, I still try to live up to the expectations of my mother, of my family.” Aaron’s dark blue, honest eyes settled on him. “But I think he would’ve been proud of you right now. How you came through for your brother, how you’re there for your family. He’d be proud.”

Robert couldn’t help but look at Aaron with gratitude and affection, Aaron’s words meaning more to him than he could ever put into words. “Thank you.”

Aaron just nodded before he looked away. They sat there in silence for a moment, the sounds of the night surrounding them. Small waves flowed against the shore and he heard the sound of an eagle-owl in the distance. Robert let his eyes waver over the lake, the moon shining over the surface of the water.

Suddenly Aaron moved beside him and lay himself down on the hood of the car. “What are you doing?” Robert asked, surprised by the movement as he looked down at Aaron.

“Looking at the stars,” Aaron answered, without pulling his eyes away from the sky.

“Why?” Robert asked curiously.

Aaron shrugged lightly. “It always calms me down.”

Robert lay down next to him without another word and stared at the night sky. For the first time that night he truly realized the sky was clear and the stars were shining brightly in the sky.

When his gaze wavered towards Aaron again, he noticed Aaron was staring intently at the sky. Robert couldn’t help but ask: “What are you doing?”

Aaron glanced at him for a moment, before he moved his eyes back to the sky. “Trying to find the constellations.”

“You know what they look like?” Robert asked surprised.

“Well, yeah,” Aaron admitted, a bit flustered which made Robert smile in delight.

“Show me one then,” Robert replied, not willing to drop the subject, as it seemed to make Aaron happy.

Aaron looked at him as if he was contemplating if Robert was mocking him or not. When he found nothing there, he focused his eyes back on the sky. “Alright, so do you see the stars over there which look a bit like a pan?”

Robert tried not to laugh, because he loved the seriousness in Aaron’s voice, so he followed Aaron’s finger and recognized where Aaron was talking about. “Yeah?”

“It’s called the ‘plough’. It’s part of the constellation that’s called the ‘Big Bear’,” Aaron said: “Or Ursa Major, if you like.”

“Seriously?” Robert replied incredulous, smiling lightly when he realized Aaron truly knew what he was talking about.

“Yeah. There is also a ‘little bear’. And do you see those stars on the right?”

“Which ones?” Robert asked, as he moved his head closer towards Aaron, so he could follow Aaron’s finger as he drew in the sky and explained which ones he meant. “It looks like an animal,” Robert said after a moment.

“It’s called ‘Leo’,” Aaron explained.

“How do you know all this?”

“Read it in a book, didn’t I?” Aaron clarified, his eyes glistening brightly.

“You?” Robert said mockingly.

Aaron prodded his elbow in Robert’s ribs, making him laugh. “Yeah, me,” Aaron acknowledged, smiling. “Just wanted to know why stars existed. There was this picture in the book about constellations. So when I felt lonely I used to stare at the stars, trying to find them in the sky. Eventually I knew all of them.”

“You must’ve been quite lonely growing up then,” Robert stated, no judgement in his voice, just a calm statement.

Aaron smiled sadly and Robert read something in Aaron’s eyes he had never seen there before, something sad. “Yeah, I had my moments.”

Robert, wanting to make the sadness disappear out of Aaron’s eyes, moved his attention to the sky again. “Alright, so we’ve had Big Bear, Little Bear and Leo. What else do we have?”

“You really wanna know?” Aaron asked, surprised, as if he couldn’t really believe Robert would be interested in it.

“Well, yeah,” Robert replied honestly. He moved his head so he could look at Aaron for a moment. “So go on then, tell me.”

Aaron started talking, his eyes focused on the sky and Robert tried to pay attention, but he had to acknowledge he was constantly distracted by the happy look on Aaron’s face.

He had never seen Aaron like this and he was completely in awe by it, couldn’t even make himself look away. Eventually Aaron seemed to notice, because he softly mumbled: “You’re not even looking.”

“I’d rather look at you.” Robert knew it sounded cheesy, but it was true. It was an honest and simple statement, which made Aaron blush lightly, which made Robert smile. Aaron turned his head towards him and suddenly Robert noticed how close they really were, his face a few inches from Aaron’s. He didn’t know who moved first but their mouths found their way to one another. The kiss was close mouthed, only their lips touching softly, but it was enough to warm Robert’s chest. It was soft, gentle and the sweetest touch Robert had ever felt. Aaron’s lips barely brushed his, before Aaron moved back and looked into Robert’s eyes. He looked hopeful and happy, and the only thing Robert could do was lean forward and kiss him again. Robert’s hands came up to cradle his face and he pulled Aaron into him. They kissed slowly, savoring the other’s taste, hands roaming lazily over clothes and skin. Robert could feel warmth spreading from every little piece of him that was touching Aaron. He could feel it again, that connection, which had been there since the first day they had met. The first time he had felt that there was something more between them, a sparkle, a warmth, a fire.

Eventually it was Aaron who pulled away. “We should get back. It’s getting cold,” he mumbled softly, looking up into Robert’s eyes.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Robert answered, slightly disappointed the moment was over, but also knowing they had already been gone for way too long. So he moved and sat up. “Let’s go back.”

They glided from the hood and moved into the car. Robert started the motor and they drove away. They were sneaking glances and smiling at each other the whole way back to the village. Robert felt it the whole drive home, this warm feeling seeping into his body. It passed through him like a warm ocean wave, washing away the stress of everything. He knew the feeling had everything to do with Aaron and the time they had spent by the lake. He loved how they had just simply talked, laughed and made silly jokes.

He sat back in his car seat and let the happiness soak right into his bones. He wanted the feeling to be there every day, but he knew the moment he would get back home, it would all disappear again. He took a deep breath and savored the moment. For the first time in forever his body and mind relaxed. In that moment there were no expectations upon him, no pressure, no family. When his eyes met Aaron’s again, noticing the twinkling in Aaron’s eyes, Robert realized he had no idea how he was going to be able to say goodbye to Aaron when they would be back in the village.

xXx

They were strolling towards the backdoor of the pub. Aaron had told Robert not to bother walking with him, as they both knew damn well they couldn’t be seen together or all hell would break lose. But Robert had insisted, knowing he was taking a big risk, but not willing to let Aaron leave just yet. Aaron hadn’t objected. So now they were walking slowly towards the pub, enjoying each other’s company in silence. Robert had buried his hands into his pockets and although they weren’t really touching, they were walking so close to each other, their shoulders brushed now and again. Robert had to smile every time it did.

Eventually they reached their destination and Robert knew they had to say goodbye. And when Aaron turned towards him, biting his lip shyly, looking a bit awkward, Robert started to think he should’ve said goodbye in the car.

“So… that was nice,” Aaron said quietly, burying his hands in his pockets.

Robert smiled, despite himself. “Yeah, thought so too.”

“My mom is home. You know, if she wasn’t…” Aaron started hurriedly.

“I know. It’s okay,” Robert reassured, before he looked around him. Aaron was frowning lightly, had probably caught on to Robert’s behavior, but Robert didn’t care as he backed Aaron against the wall so they were mostly out of sight and kissed Aaron hard on the lips. Aaron wrapped his hands in Robert’s jacket as he kissed him back and Robert moaned low in his throat, feeling extremely happy, having Aaron so close by.

Aaron was the one who pulled away. “Robert, we can’t do this here. Someone might see us.”

“I know,” Robert sighed. Aaron smiled up at him, having heard the disappointment in his voice and Robert answered it with a smile of his own, before he leaned in again and kissed Aaron, soft and gentle this time. It was meant to be a tender goodbye kiss, but it soon turned hotter and moments later Robert found himself lost in Aaron’s warmth. He knew that if they would keep this up Robert would have no chance to leave at all, so he pulled back after a moment.

“I have to go,” Robert muttered as he rested his forehead against Aaron’s.

“I know,” Aaron answered, but neither of them made any move to let go. Robert moved back in and kissed Aaron again. Aaron let out a low moan and kissed Robert back, hard, almost desperate.

Eventually Robert pulled back with all the self-restraint he had and took a step back. “I see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Aaron smiled lightly at him. “Yeah.”

Robert waited until Aaron had disappeared inside his house, before he moved and started walking towards his own home. He was starting to wonder how long he would be able to keep this up, for how long he could keep this a secret.

XxX

The moment Robert entered the house, he knew something was wrong as he heard Andy yell: “You knew?! You knew and you didn’t stop him?”

“I didn’t know how to!” Robert heard his sister reply in despair and Robert wondered what the hell was going on. He walked into the living room, just to find Victoria and Andy standing in front of each other. Two pair of eyes landed upon him when he said: “What’s going on here?”

“You!” Andy burst out and Robert’s eyes widened in shock by the fire in his brother’s voice. “You with him? How could you?! Right now! Behind our backs!”

“Sorry, I don’t follow,” Robert tried, as a terrible feeling settled in his bones, knowing exactly what this was about as he noticed that Andy was wearing his coat. His chest tightened when he realized what had happened. There could only be one explanation for Andy’s outburst; he had seen them together.

“You and Aaron! How could you do that? How could you do that to me, to us!” Andy’s eyes were burning and Robert realized he was on the brink of tears and he had caused that, he had upset his brother.

“You lied to me,” Victoria spoke, her voice soft and that softness broke his heart more than the hard sound of his brother’s voice, knowing he had hurt his sister as well. “You told me you would stay away.”

“And I did,” Robert defended weakly, not even knowing why he would even do that, not willing to see the hurt and disappointment on his siblings’ faces.

“Then how did I see you two making out against the wall of the pub?!” Andy cried out and Robert cringed inwardly, knowing he had guessed right.

“It wasn’t me,” he lied. He didn’t know what he was doing, already knowing he couldn’t talk his way out of it, not on this occasion.

“Stop lying! He said your name!” Andy spat out, looking highly upset now, upset with him and Robert started to feel worse every passing second.

“I can’t believe how you can just keep on lying about it,” Victoria said, her eyes pained, tears visible in her eyes.

“How can I not?! You clearly have already judged me for it,” Robert suddenly spat, completely done with the accusing tones of his siblings.

“He is on the other side!” Andy fired.

“What?” Robert asked in confusion, not understanding where Andy was talking about.

“He is on Debbie’s side!” Andy yelled again, and Robert noticed a tear was running down his brother’s cheek.

“Of course he is! She’s his family,” Robert replied heated, defending Aaron, not knowing where that even came from. He had never felt the need to defend anyone but himself to his family.

“And I am yours! You are supposed to be on my side!” Andy cried out, his face filled with anger and pain.

“And I am. You know I am,” Robert replied, needing for Andy to see that, needing for Andy to understand.

“I can’t trust you, I can’t even trust my own brother,” Andy mumbled to himself, as tears ran down his cheeks, leaving a wet trail there.

“Of course you can!” Robert cried out, highly upset now, as Andy’s words hit him right where it hurt, knowing he couldn’t lose his family, not like this. “Look, it didn’t mean anything. We were just playing around. I’ll finish it, for good.”

Andy’s eyes were focused on him when he shook his head and said, his voice detached as if he didn’t feel anything anymore. “I don’t care what you do. I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are.”

“Andy, don’t,” Victoria suddenly begged, her eyes big and Robert frowned in confusion as if Andy had said something to his sister before he had entered.

But Andy just shook his head, his eyes landing on Robert and Robert read the disgust there, the disappointment and it hurt him more than any words could’ve done. Still Andy’s words hit him like a bomb.

“You are no longer my brother. I want you out of this place. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.”

Robert couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe, had no idea what was happening. Andy brushed passed him, knocking against his shoulder, before disappearing up the stairs.

“Andy!” Victoria called after him, taking a few steps towards the stairs, but knowing Andy wouldn’t react, she held still in front of Robert and looked up at him. Robert wasn’t able to look at her, knowing he would read the same disappointment there as he had done in his brother’s eyes. They both flinched when Andy threw his bedroom door shut.

“Don’t worry, I’ll try and talk to him,” Victoria eventually mumbled.

Robert just nodded, still dazed, knowing that it wouldn’t really matter, that he had just lost his brother, because of his own actions.

“I am sorry Rob. You know I only want you to be happy. But this isn’t good for Andy right now. And I am sorry, but his well-being goes above everything else at the moment.”

Robert just nodded his head again, felt like Victoria’s words weren’t really registered in his brain. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“If you’re sorry, you need to fix this. You know how fragile Andy is at the moment. We are all he has, Rob,” Victoria continued. Robert finally found it in himself to look at his sister and read the turmoil in her eyes. He realized she was just as torn about this as he was, knowing in the end she just wanted to see both of them happy. But he knew, right now, Andy came above everything else. And she was right, he needed to fix this. And there was only one way to do so.

“Don’t worry. I know what to do.”

XXx

Aaron was drinking at the bar when suddenly Robert appeared through the door. He didn’t look at him while he ordered a drink from Diane. Aaron wondered what Robert was even doing here, as they had said their goodbyes not even an hour ago, not that he really minded, a warm feeling settling low in his gut.

Robert didn’t seem to notice he was there, or pretended he didn’t. He just sat there, and started a conversation with Diane. Aaron frowned his forehead lightly, trying to understand what was going on. Even when they were not alone, they weren’t able to keep their eyes from wandering. So it hurt Aaron a bit that Robert didn’t even so much as glance in his direction. Aaron decided to ignore it. He tried to think about other things, tried to be just as disinterested as Robert, but he knew his eyes travelled to Robert a bit too often.

After a while Robert suddenly stood up and Aaron, tuned in to Robert’s every move, looked up by the sudden movement. That’s when he noticed Robert’s eyes on him. Robert moved his head to the side for just a small moment, before he moved and walked to the toilets, but Aaron knew what he wanted and after waiting a few more moments, not willing to put any attention to himself, he followed Robert, smiling lightly to himself.

When Aaron entered the bathroom, he noticed Robert was leaning over the washbasin.

“I thought we said tomorrow,” Aaron spoke lightly, a half-smile around his lips.

Robert turned around when he heard his voice. When Robert’s eyes landed on him, Aaron knew in an instant something was wrong. “I can’t do this,” Robert spoke, his voice disengaging.

Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion, a terrible feeling settling in his stomach, replacing the warm feeling which had been there only moments before, somehow already sensing where this was going. “What?”

“I can’t do this. I can’t be with you.”

Robert’s words hit him like a bullet train and for a moment Aaron had the feeling he couldn’t breathe properly. “Why?” was everything he was able to get out, his mind running in circles.

“It’s just not the right time,” Robert replied, looking apologetic.

Aaron could hardly believe what he was hearing, couldn’t believe Robert would just push him aside, after everything that had happened. Aaron could feel the anger rise in his chest. He couldn’t help it when he hissed: “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you slept with me.”

“O come on, Aaron. That’s hardly fair,” Robert replied, looking just as pained as Aaron was feeling, but at the moment Aaron really couldn’t give a damn.

“You know what isn’t fair?” Aaron spat out. “Getting someone’s hope up and then let them down again the moment it gets a little rough.”

Robert’s face was filled with guilt and Aaron knew in an instant what was going on.

“Who found out?” Aaron said, his heart sinking in his chest, when he realized what had happened and why Robert was acting this way, what he came here to do.

“No one.” Robert couldn’t even look at him when he said the words, which only made Aaron more agitated.

Aaron clenched his jaw, not believing a word Robert was saying. “Don’t you dare lie to me, Robert. Tell me who found out,” Aaron hissed through his teeth.

“No one,” Robert stated again, clenching his jaw.

“Who found out?!” Aaron yelled, demanding the answer, already knowing, fearing it before Robert had even said it out loud.

“Andy, okay. Andy found out,” Robert confessed, looking guilty and hurt by his own words. Aaron noticed Robert wasn’t even able to look at him, but it didn’t really matter. His words had hit home either way and Aaron knew what this meant. The thing they both had feared for had happened. There was no turning back from this point. Robert had had a decision to make and Aaron already knew what that decision had been and it broke his heart.

“I’m sorry Aaron, but I can’t put you before my family.”

Aaron felt like his throat was locked up tight, his chest tightened and he had the feeling like he was going to cry. But he wouldn’t, not right now, not with Robert standing there. He wouldn’t give Robert that, he had taken everything away from him already in this moment. “You know, I told you the exact same thing when Debbie found out you stayed over,” he spoke, his voice a low rumble, he hated how much his emotions were hearable through his voice.

“This is different,” Robert stated, but he looked defeated and the turmoil in Robert’s eyes made this ten thousand times worse for Aaron.

“How? How is this different?” Aaron cried out, totally done with Robert beating around the bush, not telling him what he clearly wanted to tell him. Aaron already knew how this was going to end and he just wanted to get it over with. It hurt too much to listen to this, to hear Robert even talk like this. Some part of him wanted for Robert to lash out, then he really had a reason to do exactly the same back.

“Aaron-” Robert started, but Aaron didn’t want to listen to what Robert had to say. “Because now it’s your family who found out? You don’t care if it’ll be my family. But when it’s yours it’s a whole different story,” Aaron snapped, his voice accusing.

“Aaron, it’s-”

“You are selfish you know that?” Aaron spat out, done with Robert’s apologies and excuses. He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to hear any of it.

“Says the man who carries on with me behind his families back,” Robert suddenly snapped, his eyes burning dangerously.

Robert’s words hit him right where it hurt. “Fine. Yeah, I am not a saint. Don’t you think it’s hard for me? Do you think I don't struggle with this? But somehow I can’t get rid of what I feel for you.”

Robert’s whole face suddenly closed off and Aaron had no idea what Robert was thinking after his confession. It only made Aaron feel worse after what he had just said, but he couldn’t take it back, not anymore. “I don’t feel the same.”

Aaron was taken aback by Robert’s words for a split second, but he couldn’t imagine that Robert hadn’t felt anything, anything at all for him. He couldn’t have faked all of it. He just couldn’t have. “That’s bullshit, you know that just as much as I do.”

“You’re not listening to me,” Robert replied, his voice threatening low: “This thing we had going on, it’s nothing. It meant nothing.”

“You don’t mean that,” Aaron answered, wondering if he tried to convince Robert or himself of that, not knowing what he had to think about all of this, not recognizing this Robert at all.

“I don’t feel anything for you. We are better off alone. Do you understand?”

Robert didn’t even wait for Aaron’s reply, but moved towards the door and left, leaving Aaron alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take a moment for my Beta; Marie (Hayfieldmc) I know you are so busy at the moment, so thank you so-so much for taking the time to proofread every single chapter for me. You are truly amazing and I love you dearly! <33
> 
> To all my readers, please let me know what you think! I love reading your opinions! Don't be shy! :)


	12. Give all you gotta give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, here is the new chapter. I know I promised some of you to upload this last week, but stupidly I lost half of this chapter. So that meant I had to rewrite it all. Which sucked. Hard. But, here it is! So I hope you all enjoy!!!

“I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

Robert sighed inwardly as the complaining words left Andy’s lips. It wasn’t like he didn’t agree with him. He didn’t want to go either. He wanted to stay as far away from that place as he possibly could. But his sister and Diane had both made their minds up and had decided they wouldn’t hide from the village anymore, as they had nothing to feel ashamed of. So they had decided to go to the Woolpack. Robert had wisely kept his mouth shut, knowing nobody would be interested in his opinion, but Andy had opposed against the idea the moment he had found out about it. Not that it had mattered. Robert had found out he wasn’t the only stubborn person in this family. “You can’t sit and hide inside forever,” Victoria started. 

“Besides, it’s my pub and I can decide who gets a drink and who doesn’t,” Diane tuned in. Robert almost rolled his eyes at how in sync his sister and stepmother sounded. 

“I still don’t understand why he has to come with.” Andy didn’t even give him one look, but Robert knew he was talking about him and with one look at his sister and stepmother, he knew they did as well. His relationship with his brother had dropped way passed freezing point. Robert tried not to be riled up by all the snide remarks from Andy throughout the day. Didn’t mean they didn’t hurt though. He knew he had messed up and he was really trying to undo the damage he had done. He just felt like he wasn’t really getting an honest chance.

“He’s family and you know how important family is, especially in moments like these,” Victoria replied sternly.

“If you don’t want me here, I can just go,” Robert said honestly. He hadn’t even really wanted to come with, but Victoria had practically forced him. He knew he had promised her to put in some effort to regain the bond with his brother. He just didn’t know if this was really the right way. Forcing them to spend time together while his brother couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him, was probably not a very good idea. But then again, he had to try something. He couldn’t just sit around in his room, waiting for this aching pain in his chest to go away. He had to rebuild the trust with his brother, with his family. It was the only thing he had left.

He missed Aaron, more than he had ever held possible. He missed him so damn much. He hated to wake up cold and alone in the morning, he hated the aching in his chest every damn time he thought of him. He tried not to, tried to keep his mind occupied and it always seemed to work for a while. Until he walked around the village and spotted Aaron from a distance and his heart seemed to jump up, but a moment later his stomach fell and he felt terrible, knowing what he had done, what he had thrown away in an instant. 

A week had passed since he gave Aaron up for the sake of his family. He tried to tell himself he had made the right decision, knew his family needed him the most. But every time he laid eyes on Aaron, there was this little flicker of doubt inside his chest, which made him wonder if he hadn’t made the biggest mistake of his life by doing what was best for his family. 

“No it’s fine I suppose,” Andy sighed, and for a moment Robert wondered if Victoria had talked to Andy as well. He had gotten a right speech from Victoria the day after he had broken things off with Aaron. He had just never, for a second thought, Andy would get one as well. His eyes wavered to his brother, who still hadn’t looked at him, hadn’t looked at him ever since they had found out about Aaron, ever since he had found out about the two of them.

“Good. Now come on,” Victoria said, as she walked into the direction of the pub.

Robert’s heart sank deeper inside of his chest, with every step bringing him closer to the pub, to Aaron. His eyes wavered to his brother again. Andy was looking down at the ground. His wrists were still bandaged and he looked even paler than before. They had talked to their lawyer yesterday. The trial would restart in nine days, as Andy was pronounced fit enough to take the stand. Which meant, they had nine days to get Andy back to his old self. 

Victoria opened the door of the pub and entered first, followed by Diane and Andy. Robert took a deep intake of breath, whishing and dreading to find Aaron there, before he stepped inside. “Oh, look who we got here,” was the first thing Robert heard as he entered and closed the door behind him. Robert’s annoyance grew the moment he heard Chas’ shrill voice. 

“We just want a quiet drink, Chas, that’s all,” Diane said calmly and Robert got a little bit more respect for his stepmother as he would have lashed out by the hostility in Chas’ voice.

“Well, you can drink somewhere else. We don’t sell to rapists,” Cain replied, his voice harsh. Robert’s eyes wandered to Cain, who was sitting at the bar with Moira and Adam, looking at them with a cold look in his eyes. 

“I believe this is still half my pub, so I think I can decide about that,” Diane answered calm but sternly.

“I won’t let you. This is just as much my pub as it is yours and I want him out,” Chas argued back and Robert knew that in a few moments this could all spiral out of control. He wondered with a sigh why his family even considered coming here, didn’t get what they were trying to accomplish with this. 

“You really don’t want to fight with me over this,” Diane replied haughty.

“Oh but I think I do,” Chas shot back, taking a step towards them, her hands leaning on the bar.

“Chas, please. Can we just have a drink?” Victoria asked, her voice almost pleading and Robert knew his sister didn’t want any trouble, none of them really did when it came down to it. The Dingles on the other hand…

“He is taking you all for a ride,” Cain rumbled low in his throat, his eyes still shooting daggers at Andy and Robert remembered the moment Cain had attacked Andy in court. 

“I think it is for the best if you’d just go back,” Moira suggested calmly.

“Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t ya? For us to face defeat,” Robert snapped, not even knowing why, but still feeling the need to defend his family.

“What about innocent until proven guilty?” Diane added.

“He was guilty the moment he touched my daughter,” Cain said, as he rose from his barstool, presumably fed up with the whole situation and hating to see Andy standing there.

“What the hell is going on here?” a voice suddenly said, and Aaron appeared from behind his mother, a deep frown on his forehead. Robert could feel the moment their eyes met for a split second, all down to his toes and his heart contracted painfully when Aaron’s eyes wavered off towards his family. 

“You mother is refusing to give us a drink,” Robert said, his voice sounding much calmer and collected than he could’ve imagined. 

Aaron’s eyes locked with his again and Robert read it there, the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness and all Robert wanted to do was jump over the bar and pull him close, tell him he had made a mistake. He tried to tell him as much with his eyes, for those few seconds their eyes were connected. Robert didn’t know if he had imagined it or not, but just before Aaron broke their eye contact, he could’ve sworn he had read some of the old, familiar emotions in Aaron’s eyes. 

“Mum?” Aaron asked, his voice without emotion, as if he was holding himself in check, as if he was trying not to get personal. 

“I won’t serve drinks to that family,” Chas replied, her eyes landing on Robert’s family, a stern look on her face. 

xXx

Aaron was mad. He couldn’t help it, seeing Robert standing there, with his family, knowing Robert had chosen his family over him, hurt. And Aaron didn’t want to feel hurt, he wanted to be mad, felt like he had every right to be. But he also knew he couldn’t make a scene here, not now, not with his family there, whom still had no clue whatsoever about him and Robert. And as far as Aaron was concerned he wanted to keep it that way. According to Robert there wasn’t much to tell to begin with. 

That didn’t mean it wasn’t terrible for Aaron to see Robert. He hated it when he saw him in the village. He had tried to build up a shield, had tried to ignore Robert. But there was no use, Robert had gotten under his skin already, without Aaron even really noticing it. And now it was too late. Just thinking about him, caused this terrible feeling in his stomach. 

He wanted to jump over the bar, slam Robert into the nearest wall and demand him to take his words back, which were still burning holes deep inside Aaron’s chest, making him feel like he couldn’t breathe properly. 

He was pulled back into the conversation by Victoria’s voice. “Why are you being like this? Since when are you all so hostile?” Victoria asked, her voice sounding like it could break any moment and Aaron heart went out to her for a moment, knowing she didn’t deserve all this grieve his family was giving her. 

“Since your brother raped my daughter,” Cain spat out, his eyes darkening and Aaron knew Cain was about to run out of patience. He could feel Robert’s eyes on him, could feel the prickling on his skin, knowing he was looking at him, trying to tell himself not to look up. But it was in vain as he lifted his eyes and their eyes met for a split second again. A rush of energy ran through Aaron, before he looked away again. Every single time he had looked at Robert since he had entered the pub, he could feel a warmth spreading underneath his skin, even though he tried to fight it with every fibre of his being. 

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Victoria answered, her voice suddenly filled with heat, as she stepped in front of Andy, as if she unconsciously wanted to protect him. 

“So you’re calling my daughter a liar,” Cain replied, his voice dangerously low as he took a step towards them. 

Suddenly someone moved and stepped in front of Cain, blocking his way. “Wow, that’s enough mate,” Adam spoke up, his back towards the Sugdens, his eyes on Cain. Aaron mouth almost opened in disbelieve when he realized what was happening and Cain looked a bit taken aback as well, before his eyes darkened, hardened. “If you are not with us, you are against us,” he said, his voice dangerously low.

Aaron’s heart stammered and felt like he was losing someone he cared about all over again, because of the situation. Adam looked at his mother before Adam’s eyes locked with Aaron’s for a moment and Aaron read the apology there. Aaron just nodded, would never be able to hold anything against Adam, even if it was as major as this. He understood why he did what he did, even though it made him feel sick to the stomach it was coming down to this. Choosing, between two camps. He hated how he had already lost two people he deeply cared about, because they were on the other side. 

Apparently Adam didn’t have to say anything, as Cain seemed to understand him without any words, his jaw clenching in anger. “Get out. Now,” he said, the warning sounding clear enough in his voice.

“Cain!” Moira spoke out: “That’s my son you’re talking to.”

But Cain didn’t seem to care as he kept staring at Adam and the Sugdens. Aaron looked on as it seemed there was a silent conversation going on between Adam and Moira, before Moira softly said: “Just go, okay love?”

Adam nodded slowly, his eyes filled with hurt. “Yeah, okay.” Adam turned around and he and the Sugdens disappeared out of the room. 

xXx

“Well, that was a waste of time,” Robert commented as he entered Victoria’s house with his family behind him. Adam and Victoria had said goodbye outside, as Adam was going to retrieve his things from the farm, moving in with Victoria as he just found himself without a place to live. Which wasn’t something Robert was really thrilled about. It was crowded enough with him and Andy both living there. Not that he was going to have any say in it. He just had to make sure he stayed out of that house as much as he could. 

Silence dawned around him and Robert turned around, just to see his brother looking at him with a dark, unreadable expression on his face. Victoria and Diane were both looking at Andy with concerned looks on their faces. “I want you to choose; him or us,” Andy stated, his eyes not wavering from Robert’s face. 

“Sorry, what?” Robert replied incredulous, totally taken aback by his brother’s words, for a moment not comprehending where Andy was talking about. Until it hit him and his mouth slightly opened in disbelieve.

“Andy, I really don’t think this is the time,” Victoria suggested, her voice soft as if she didn’t want to upset Andy. 

Andy’s eyes didn’t even move an inch, he just kept staring at Robert, making him feel very uncomfortable. “I think it is. I want him to choose. Him or us.”

Robert couldn’t help but feel offended by Andy’s words. He already made a choice, but it still wasn’t good enough? What else did he want from him? “I already did make a choice. I broke it off, didn’t I?”

“I saw the way you looked at him,” Andy said, his voice accusing. 

Robert tried to pretend that, that wasn’t true, that he hadn’t looked at Aaron all that often, while in truth, he had. And had missed it, had missed Aaron’s eyes on him. He just didn’t want to acknowledge that. “You are imagining things.”

“I don’t think I am,” Andy said, not letting the subject go.

“So what else do you want me to do then?” Robert asked, his voice going up an octave, Andy’s words hurting him more than he was willing to show, genuinely didn’t know what else he wanted from him. 

“Like I said, you have to choose; me or him.”

For a moment all Robert could do was stare at his brother, not knowing how to answer him. He couldn’t believe his own brother was asking him to choose. He had never really thought it would ever come down to this. He turned his attention to his sister, needing to know what she thought about it. “Vic?”

He read the desperation in his sister’s eyes, as if she had no clue what to do for a moment. “Just say you’ll stay here. Please,” she begged softly and Robert’s heart ached by the tone in her voice.

“We just need you here, love,” Diane said, her eyes focused on him, her voice honest. 

Robert shook his head, trying to forget all these thoughts running around in his mind, not completely comprehending what was happening. He could feel the desperation settle in his bones. “If you’d really love me, you wouldn’t make me choose. You wouldn’t make me do this.”

“We do. We love you,” Victoria stated, tears in her eyes.

“So what if I said that I loved him? What would you say to that?” He shot out, without even thinking about it. Silence set in after his words and Robert suddenly realized what he had just said. He had never imagined he would ever say the words out loud, hadn’t even really thought about it all that much. But now the words had left his mouth he realized they were true. 

The deafening silence that followed was all the answer Robert needed. The realization of what that silence meant dawned on him and broke his heart. He had never imagined he would ever find himself in this situation. He had never thought he would be cast aside by his own family again. Him, not being involved with his family had always been so hard for him, made him feel like a failure. And now, while he stood there, this was yet another time in his life he had been pushed out by his family. And all the pain he had felt all those years ago, when his father had told him to leave, came back to the surface. But this time it hurt even more. Because he still wasn’t good enough, realized that even his sister and brother, the two persons he held more dear than anything in this world, where doing this to him, had asked him to choice. But in the end, it had never been a choice to begin with, because they had already made the choice for him.

Robert turned around and moved to the door.

“Robert, wait! Where are you going?” Victoria cried out, looking highly upset.

“You made me choose.” Robert took a deep breath to steady himself, before he turned around and his eyes landed on his sister. He could hardly believe he was going to do this, but as things stood right now, he really had nothing left to lose. “And I choose him. I am choosing the one who didn’t ask me to take sides, who didn’t ask me to choose.”

“Rob, please, just wait. I can’t lose you,” Victoria said, her eyes hurt and filled with emotions. Robert took a few steps towards her, looking down at her when he was close to her. He hated he was hurting his sister, but still couldn’t do much else.

“You won’t. But I can’t lose him. I just can’t. I made the biggest mistake of my life, because I listened to everyone but myself and I need to make it right.” Robert pressed a soft kiss to his sister’s forehead, blinking his eyes, not willing to let Andy see him cry. 

“Just think about this for a moment love. Just think about us for a moment, think about your family,” Diane said, trying to persuade him, but Robert had already made up his mind.

“That’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. I always did what you lot wanted from me. I always wanted to live up to the expectations you all had of me. But not anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” Robert couldn’t even look at his family when he turned around again and walked to the front door. 

“If you walk out of that door you are no longer part of this family.”

Robert’s shoulders tensed as his hand grabbed hold of the door handle. Andy’s words hurt him more than any other words in the world ever had and tears burned in his eyes. But he had already made his decision, there was no going back. He took a deep breath and opened the door. The clicking sound after he closed the door as he stood outside his sister’s house, was the hardest sound he had heard in his life.

xXx

Aaron sighed and buried his head in his hands. Chas and Cain had just left, too pent up with energy to be inside after their encounter with the Sugdens, leaving Moira at the bar, after a huge row with Cain, as he had made her son chose sides. He hated how everything seemed to spiral out of control. Not only did this whole thing affect Debbie and Andy. It affected both their families as well. It had put a drain on his relationship with Robert, but it had also put strains on Cain’s relationship with Moira, knowing Adam chose to stand beside Victoria in all of this. Not to mention the feud going on between Diane and Chas. They had been friends for such a long time, it was terrible to see them behave this way. So petulant, so disrespectful, so distrustful. 

Adam had sent him a text to say he was sorry and Aaron had just sent him back it was okay. He didn’t blame Adam, he understood his choice. He wasn’t going to resent his friend for this. Not in a lifetime. 

He growled out loud when he heard a hard knock on the backdoor and got up. He sighed annoyed when he opened the door and was pushed back when Robert stormed inside.

“Whadaya think you’re doing?” Aaron exclaimed as Robert pushed past him to enter the hallway. Robert turned around by the sound of Aaron’s voice as Aaron closed the door and turned towards Robert, shooting him an angry glare. 

Robert put a hand through his hair, before he buried his hands in his pockets. Aaron noticed he looked a bit bewildered and he couldn’t help but wonder what was going on. Robert’s eyes didn’t waver from Aaron’s as he said: “I can’t. I can’t just sit back and let them talk like that about you.”

Aaron huffed, not willing to hear anymore of Robert’s empty excuses or apologies. Eventually they meant nothing. “Just get out, Robert.”

“No,” Robert simply answered, his expression determined. 

Aaron rolled his eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to keep his patience. “I mean it, Robert. Get out.”

“No. I am not leaving. Not anymore.” The determination in Robert’s voice almost made Aaron sigh out loud in frustration. Why did he always have to do this? He always had to bring his hopes up. But Aaron knew by now that it didn’t really mean anything. At the end Robert would walk out of that door and out of his life again. 

“Why are you here?” Aaron asked, suddenly feeling drained. He hated everything. He hated this whole fucking situation. He hated how he felt about Robert and how Robert obviously didn’t feel the same. Still he couldn’t ignore the spark of hope which enlightened in his chest, seeing Robert standing there in the middle of the hallway. He hated that spark of hope more than anything. 

Robert’s eyes were piercing into his when he said: “I lied, Aaron. I lied about all of it, that night after Andy found out. I lied and you called my bluff and I still lied, but you were right. About all of it.” After a deep intake of breath, Robert added softly: “I miss you.”

Aaron huffed. “What, so you came here because you were lonely and thought I’d be an easy fuck?” Aaron countered, crossing his arms over his chest, almost dizzy with how much he wanted to give in and believe Robert. “What about being better off alone? What changed?”

“Nothing’s changed,” Robert said urgently: “That’s the whole point. I’ve felt this way from the start.”

Aaron huffed out a laugh, which earned him a dark glance from Robert. “Well sorry if I’m having a hard time believing you,” Aaron responded sarcastically.

“Fine, why don’t I show you,” Robert snapped, and then he backed Aaron straight against the front door until Aaron’s back hit wood, mimicking the same way he’d done it in the men’s box, in the court house. And as Robert stared intently at him, his body close to Aaron’s, that open look in his eyes, Aaron knew in that moment that Robert was right. Nothing had changed, not between them. Their families, the circumstances, their lives had, but they were still the same people, and Aaron still wanted Robert just as badly as he did before, if not more.

Nothing had changed. They were just done trying to pretend there was nothing going on between them.

“I’m in.” Robert suddenly blurted, clenching his jaw when Aaron just stared stupefied at his face, but presumably knowing he needed to talk on, Robert continued: “What you said when we were babysitting Andy’s kids; the dogs, the small cottage, the adopted kids. I want it, I want all of it, I even take your family with it as long as I got you.” Robert grimaced, voice intimate, eyes achingly bright. “I’m all in, take me or leave me, I don’t care how many times you need me to say it to believe it, Aaron. I’ll say it again and I’ll-,”

“Shut up,” Aaron interrupted harshly, totally running on instinct as he seized in and kissed Robert fiercely.

It was, without pretense or charm, the best kiss Aaron had ever had in his entire life. He arched into it, pressing his body to Robert’s till he could feel Robert’s warmth seeping into his skin. Robert’s mouth was warm and insistent, cold hands on either side of Aaron’s face, holding his face in place, kissing him like there was no other place he’d rather be.

“You better not be making a mock at me,” Aaron murmured into Robert’s mouth, snaking his arms underneath Robert’s coat and fisting in the material of his shirt. “I won’t let you live it down, if you are.”

Robert just hummed, kissing around the corner of Aaron’s mouth, his jaw, the sensitive spot behind his ear, making Aaron gasp, struggling for coherency, as insecurity seeped into Aaron’s bones, his mind finally comprehending what was really happening.

“I mean it, Robert. No more changing your mind. I can’t do that,” Aaron continued, a little out of breath. Robert pulled back and looked into Aaron’s eyes, his gaze so intense it made Aaron feel shy all of a sudden. 

“I won’t. I know you’ve got to learn how to trust me. But I’m not mocking about. You are the only thing in my life right now that makes even a bit of sense. You’re the only thing I’m sure about, the only stable factor in my life. And I would be a complete tool if I would let you walk out of my life because the timing is not convenient or basically because both our families are against it. I don’t want to look back at this one day and regret not fighting for what we have. Because that, Aaron, would be the biggest mistake of my life.”

Aaron smiled lightly after Robert’s words, although the disbelieve was probably written all over his face. He hadn’t seen this coming, hadn’t, in a lifetime, expected for Robert Sugden to fall for him, to actually want to be with him, even though Robert could lose everything else in the process, his family, his home. All that would be left was him. And the thought that Robert would sacrifice everything for him, hit him like a bullet train, felt like a stone dropping to the bottom of his stomach, although his skin buzzed with a warm feeling. Because would he ever be good enough, would he ever be able to live up to Robert’s expectations of him, give Robert everything he deserved and more?

“It would be nice if you would say something back,” Robert said, a question in his eyes. 

But Aaron couldn’t, he had no idea how to react to Robert’s words. Felt like he wasn’t really worthy of this kind of love, had felt his whole life like he was never going to be good enough for anyone. And then Robert came into his life and changed everything, reassured him he could be loved, that somebody could want him. All of him. 

Robert was still looking at him, but a frown had appeared on his forehead, like he was thinking something over, as if he was trying to read Aaron. He took a step backwards, letting go of Aaron and buried his hands in his pockets. He sighed and his voice was hoarse when he spoke: “When I came back here, I told myself after all of this would be over, I would leave again, I would get back, would leave this village finally behind me. Go back to my job and to my life. But then I met you and everything changed. You changed my life. And I just started to realize that this is my life now, here, with you. And for once in my life, I am not running away. I am staying here, doing the one thing I know people will resent me for. But I am not going anywhere, because you are here and you are the craziest, but truest thing that has ever happened to me and I will not give you up without a fight.”

Aaron just kept on staring at Robert. He didn’t know why, but he really had no words, was overwhelmed by Robert’s speech. 

“You really have nothing to say,” Robert asked after a moment of silence, his voice suddenly turning insecure and hesitant. 

Aaron could only just shake his head. Robert’s words had touched him more than he could ever put into words. “I just… I can’t…”

Robert was frowning his forehead in confusion now. “But why? Did I say something wrong?” He moved a hand through his hair in agitation, when Aaron still didn’t answer: “God, I’m so stupid.” His jaw clenched as if he was biting back words, before he hissed: “This was a mistake.” Robert turned around to walk away, letting out a deep breath, and Aaron knew he needed to say something to prevent that from happening.

“I love you.” Aaron stood frozen on his place, hardly believing those words really just left his mouth. He knew it was way too early to even think this could be love, let alone say it out loud. He didn’t even know Robert that long, just a few months. And from those few months he had disliked him for half of it. But he knew it was true, he knew he felt this way. He never expected he would ever feel this way for Robert, but he did and he was done denying it. 

But he never expressed his feelings out loud. He was terrible at it, always said the wrong things. And he didn’t know what to do as Robert turned around, a shocked expression on his face. “What?” he asked, his voice wavering. 

“I…” Aaron didn’t know what he needed to say. He just confessed he loved Robert. And now he had no idea what to do. He buried his hands in his pockets, looking down at the ground. He cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “I am not good at this. But I do, I love you.” He took a deep breath, knowing he was going to take a huge leap, before he continued, his voice hoarse: “And I think after everything you told me just now, that you might love me back.”

Aaron felt awkward standing there, as Robert could break his heart in a million pieces with just one word, knew he was putting his heart on the line in this very moment. But Robert kept looking at him as he took a step closer to Aaron and suddenly Aaron noticed a small smile had appeared on Robert’s face, which made Aaron’s heart ignite with hope. 

“I do love you,” Robert replied softly, before he smiled a bit brighter. “Never thought I could feel this way. But I do.” The smile on Robert’s face turned wider as Aaron’s heart fluttered up and he couldn’t help but smile lightly back at him. 

Robert swayed slowly, leaning into Aaron, while he said: “So… does this mean we’re together?” Aaron noticed he was mimicking Robert’s movements as he took a step closer to Robert. When they were close enough to touch, Robert pulled Aaron in by his sweater and Aaron brought his hands up to lay them down on Robert’s chest. “Depends,” Aaron replied, suddenly feeling cheeky.

Robert pulled his head back a little, before he mumbled confused: “On what?”

“If you’re gonna kiss me right now, or not,” Aaron answered teasingly. 

Robert smiled smugly at him before he moved a hand to the back of Aaron’s head and pulled him in, pressing his lips against Aaron’s in one swift motion. Aaron’s heart thundered by the feelings Robert’s lips awoke in him and although they had done this before, Aaron was still not over the way Robert could kiss him. The way his lips consumed Aaron’s like a starving man, the way his tongue happily plundered Aaron’s mouth so obscenely that it was bound to be illegal in some countries. Robert was completely and utterly unravelling him with just a kiss.

Robert pulled back after a moment and smiled down at him, before he mumbled hoarse: “Upstairs.” Aaron knew Robert had wanted to make it sound like a question, but it came out more like a demand. Not that he was complaining. 

Robert smiled lightly at him before he turned around and moved to the stairs.

Aaron followed behind him.

xXx

Robert knew exactly where he needed to be, when he opened the door to Aaron’s bedroom. And before Aaron had even closed the door properly, Robert had Aaron up against the door. 

He kissed Aaron’s eager mouth and a moan escaped his lips. It was like drowning in sunlight. He had never felt like this, had never felt more like coming home than in this moment. He could do this for hours, days, and would not get bored, would just feel like he had left this world and all there was left was this, Aaron’s mouth against his, Aaron’s tongue seeking its way in, Aaron’s body going compliant against him. 

Aaron’s hands moved underneath his coat and Aaron pulled it off, while Robert buried his face into Aaron’s neck, leaving heated kisses there, which made Aaron’s breathing accelerate. Robert’s coat fell to the floor with a soft thump. Robert could feel Aaron working open the buttons of his shirt, but when he was not even halfway done, Robert just pulled it over his head and threw it on the ground. He needed to have Aaron’s hands on his naked skin, needed to feel the electrifying sensation of Aaron’s fingertips brushing over his body. 

When Aaron finally touched his bare skin, Robert moaned low in his throat, pulling Aaron flush against him. Goosebumps appeared on his skin, his body reacting to Aaron’s touch in an instant. Robert pulled back so he could kiss Aaron again and found Aaron’s lips with his eyes closed. He maneuvered Aaron away from the door and towards the bed. He tried to take his shoes off while he kept his lips sealed against Aaron’s. He couldn’t quite make it work, which made them both laugh. They both just took off their shoes and socks, while their eyes never wavered from each other’s faces. Robert noticed the twinkling in Aaron’s eyes and he pulled him right back into him when they were both barefoot.

He kissed Aaron again, possessive, filthy and absolutely mind-boggling as he tangled his fingers into Aaron’s hair and thrusted his tongue into his mouth. Aaron licked back into Robert’s mouth with gasps and sighs which let Robert know Aaron was enjoying this just as much as he was.

When Robert’s hands moved from Aaron’s back to his ass, Aaron moaned into the kiss and pushed himself into Robert, rubbing their cocks together. 

“God, Robert,” Aaron muttered, his voice rough and laced with emotion, hips rubbing slow but desperately and full of passion.

“This feels way too good,” Robert breathed into Aaron, as he pulled away for a moment. He looked Aaron in the eye and was taken aback for a moment by the look in Aaron’s eyes, so full of lust. But there was something else as well, a warmth that had never been there before. The look Aaron gave him looked so sensual and intimate, all Robert could do for a moment was stare at him.

Aaron just looked up at Robert and smiled shyly, like he didn’t know where Robert was looking at, so Robert pulled him in for another kiss. This one was soft and tender, just lips against lips. Robert’s fingertips brushed softly on the side of Aaron’s face and he couldn’t help but sigh contently. When they broke apart, Robert rested his forehead against Aaron’s and smiled a bit dazed by the feelings Aaron awoke in him. 

Aaron kissed him softly on the lips once more before he suddenly pulled away from Robert’s grasp and took a step backwards. Robert almost wanted to ask him what was wrong, but was silently begged by Aaron’s eyes not to say anything. Aaron didn’t break eye contact with him as he took a deep breath before he moved and slowly lifted of his sweater and t-shirt in one motion, before dropping it to the floor. Robert froze in his spot and he realized what Aaron was doing. 

He was trying to let him in completely, trying to trust him, trying to show every part of him. Robert had felt Aaron’s skin underneath his fingertips before, had felt the scars that covered Aaron’s skin. But he hadn’t seen it, Aaron had always covered it up before he had been able to. Until now. 

Robert’s heart was stuck in his throat as he took a slow step forwards, not letting his gaze waver from Aaron’s eyes. He noticed Aaron gulped loudly. When he reached Aaron, he reached out a hand and lay it down on Aaron’s jaw, before he pulled up his chin and placed a soft, tender kiss on Aaron’s lips. Aaron relaxed a little under his mouth so Robert pulled away, looking back into Aaron’s eyes. “I love you,” he murmured softly and Aaron smiled lightly back at him after his words. Robert moved to Aaron’s neck and pressed feathery light kisses there. Aaron’s hands came to rest softly on his hips as Robert sucked a spot into Aaron’s neck. 

He pulled back after a moment and lay his forehead against Aaron’s, one hand still on Aaron’s face before he softly let one hand trail down Aaron’s torso over his stomach and back. Aaron shivered lightly and Robert stopped moving for a moment, before he felt Aaron relax again. Aaron nodded his head once, as if he was letting Robert know it was okay. Then Robert moved his hand again and trailed it slowly over one of Aaron’s scars. He heard Aaron’s breath getting caught in his throat, but Aaron didn’t pull away, stayed where he was, eyes closed, forehead resting against Robert’s. 

Robert could feel the light change in texture of Aaron’s skin where the scar ran over his stomach. Aaron’s fingers dug lightly in his hips, but he still didn’t pull away and Robert let his fingers waver over Aaron’s skin and caressed every scar he could find. Robert hadn’t even realized he had been holding his own breath, until his fingers moved to Aaron’s hip and he buried them into Aaron’s skin. He moved his head back a bit so he could look into Aaron’s eyes. Aaron’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up at him. His eyes were so open and fragile when he looked up at him, Robert lost the function to breath for a moment. After controlling his own emotions, he smiled lightly at him and nodded his head once in gratitude and Aaron smiled back after a moment.

No words were needed, Robert understood it without any. Aaron had shown him the most fragile side of him, not just physically but emotionally as well. He would never forget the look in Aaron’s eyes just now. But it didn’t make him think any less of Aaron, it just made Robert love him even more. 

He moved forwards and kissed Aaron softly on the lips and Aaron reacted the same way, brushing his lips against Robert’s in the most tender way. 

The kiss deepened gradually, but the intention never wavered. Robert could feel Aaron’s love for him in every brush of lips, every swipe of his tongue against his own, the soft caress of his fingertips against his skin. It was like they were the only two people left on this earth. Robert knew in this instant he would never be able to give this up, would not in a lifetime let Aaron walk out of his life again, even if it meant giving up on his family. 

Aaron was the best thing to ever happen to him.

He walked Aaron backwards to the bed and pushed Aaron down on it, crawling over him. He captured Aaron’s mouth into another heated kiss, before he moved his lips to Aaron’s neck, down his collarbone and lower over Aaron’s naked torso. He finally got the chance to feel Aaron’s naked skin underneath his lips and it sent a deep thrill through Robert’s body. Now Aaron didn’t tense up when he moved over his body and he licked his way down, scratching his nipples lightly and sucking on his skin as he moved over his stomach. Now Aaron gasped and wrickled against him, hands digging in the sheets, blissed out. When Robert moved back up, Aaron kissed him hungrily and suddenly they were both in a hurry to get their trousers off. When they were both naked, Robert moved back on top of Aaron and buried his face back into Aaron’s neck, as their naked bodies pressed together. Robert hissed lightly as their cocks dragged together and he looked back up to Aaron’s face, needing to see the look on Aaron’s face as he rolled his hips slowly against Aaron’s. 

xXx

Aaron looked into Robert’s half closed, blue eyes and saw his own want reflected into Robert’s eyes. Robert leaned forward, cupping Aaron’s face and pulling him into a long, heady kiss.

Despite the way they were comfortable with their naked bodies, putting those bodies so close together was another thing entirely as the removal of emotional boundaries and rules sent a thrill through Aaron like he’d never known before. Robert tentatively licked into Aaron’s mouth, seeking permission, and Aaron gave it to him without thought.

Fireworks set off behind Aaron’s eyelids, the light seeping through his body into his soul, leaving his body hot and wanting. Robert’s hands had been cold at the start of this whole thing but somewhere in-between the hallway and here they’d warmed up, and now ghosted along Aaron’s ribs and hips, gentle and lingering, raising goose bumps along his skin, causing his nipples to stiffen as their chests brushed. Aaron sighed into Robert’s mouth, wrapping his arms around Robert’s shoulder blades, pulling him down on top of him.

They were going to fuck at some point, Aaron knew it, but he knew that lay somewhere in the farther future, because there was no way he was going to last long enough to get Robert’s dick in him at this point, not when Robert began grinding their cocks together, hot and slow, mouthing once more at Aaron’s neck and collarbone.

Aaron gasped, fisting a hand in Robert’s hair and arching against the friction, the wet drag of his cock against Robert’s.

Aaron screwed his eyes tight shut, gasping, hips pumping of their own accord, unable to look down at where their bodies were grinding together for fear of coming too soon. Robert gripped Aaron’s hips, thumbs slotting right into the groove of his hipbones. They did this for a while, a slow and steady roll of their hips together, cocks flushed and leaking pre-come on their stomachs, the smell of their mingled sweat and shared breaths making the air seem hazy. Their hands and mouths travelled over each other’s bodies, learning facts about each other, like they were doing this for the first time. It felt kind of silly, and they kept taking pauses to laugh. But laughter died when something felt particularly good and the other would delve into details to make the other feel even better. It was sexy and hot, the gradual build to something bigger, both emotionally and physically.

Eventually, though, Aaron started to come apart, a sweaty and breathy mess under Robert’s body, cock rock hard, heart thundering away in his chest, eyes screwed tight shut against an orgasm that was coming on too quickly to properly brace for.

“That’s it,” Robert murmured, voice ragged with sex and heat, the sound of it sending ripples of pleasure down Aaron’s skin. “That’s it, Aaron. C’mon. That’s it. Come for me.”

Robert’s cock brushed over the wet tip of Aaron’s just one more time, and Aaron gasped, spine bowing up as his hips rose off the bed, Robert’s grip tightening on them as he did so. His eyes fell close as he gasped on the rush of an orgasm as it slammed into him, recovering after the initial first wave only to crush his mouth to Robert’s as Robert grabbed his cock and stroke it through the aftershocks, like he had all the time in the world.

He didn’t though, in the end. Aaron just barely regained enough brain power to open his eyes again when he felt Robert’s cock spilling between them, warm and wet in a way that was probably going to be gross in a few minutes, but for now it was just plain hot, watching Robert gasp and quake through the sensation, body bucking and rolling of its own accord as Aaron kissed him back from the wave of his orgasm. 

Robert fell down on top of him and Aaron let him be for a couple of minutes, even though he was kind of heavy and the cum between started to become gross. Robert just breathed against his neck, not moving and Aaron felt bad for pushing him away, but he really needed to clean himself up, let alone space to breathe. So he pushed against Robert’s arm, which caused for Robert to steer and he rolled off of him, taking the sheets with him as he went. Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion, but he needed to be practical first, so he moved and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. When he got back, a warm cloth in his hand, Robert was still turned on his side, rolled away from him and for a moment Aaron wondered if he had fallen asleep. He settled in next to him, gliding under the sheets, pushed up onto one elbow and looked at Robert’s bare back. 

“Robert?” Aaron spoke hesitantly, not really knowing if he should say anything or just leave him alone. 

Robert didn’t move, but Aaron heard a strangled noise coming from his direction and his heart contracted in worry. “Robert, what’s wrong?”

He heard Robert take in a deep shaky breath before Robert finally broke the silence: “I lost my family. I lost everything, because of us.”

Robert’s words dawned on Aaron and with that he realized what Robert meant, what he had done, what had happened. And Aaron was speechless, didn’t know what he had to do in the face of this; Robert leaving his family, choosing him over his family. For the first time it really dawned on Aaron what Robert had given up to be with him, what he probably had to give up to be with Robert. And it scared him, it scared him that Robert would choose him over his family, didn’t know if he would even be able to, if it came down to it.

He felt terrible, could hardly believe Robert had really done this, had chosen him, really wanted to be with him that much, that he would leave his family for him. That knowledge touched something deep inside of Aaron, it made his heart ache and open up just a little more to let Robert inside. He had never really believed anyone would ever want to be with him, not this much. Still Robert wanted to and it nudged at Aaron’s heart and made him love Robert just that little bit more. 

“I just…I don’t know what I’m gonna do now,” Robert mumbled, his voice hoarse and soft. The emotions in Robert’s voice ripped through Aaron’s heart and although Aaron didn’t really have the words to comfort Robert, he knew what he would need the most in this situation. He just hoped Robert would need it as well.

Aaron moved in closer, aligning his body with Robert’s. He softly touched the side of Robert’s body with his fingertips and he waited to be pushed away. When that didn’t happen and Robert just breathed, Aaron moved his hand over Robert’s stomach and let it rest there. Robert suddenly moved and for a second Aaron was afraid Robert would push him away. But Robert’s hand grasped Aaron’s, held on tight and pulled Aaron against him, Aaron’s chest colliding with Robert’s back. 

They just lay there for a moment and Aaron noticed Robert’s body was silently shaking and while Aaron tried to figure out what to do next, his hand clamped in Robert’s, Robert pressing their hands against his chest, he realized Robert was silently crying. 

Aaron’s chest tightened by Robert’s agony. He pressed a soft kiss against Robert’s shoulder, which made Robert breath out shakily. Aaron tried to find his voice, feeling like his throat was locked up. He noticed his own voice was hoarse when he spoke: “You are not alone. I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! :D
> 
> Find me on tumblr: http://wolkje25.tumblr.com/


	13. Price to pay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the new chapter!

They had sneaked out of the pub early that morning, when everyone had still been asleep. They had driven to Hotten and were now sitting in a small café, with wooden chairs and tables, the place dimly lit. They had confiscated a table by the window, which looked out on the main street. In the gloom of the cafe his knee almost touched Robert’s under the narrow table, but Robert was paying more attention to the people walking passed and at the table top than to Aaron, which made Aaron’s worry grow in his chest with every minute that passed.

Aaron looked around at the busy tables, just to give himself some time to think. An old couple was sitting side by side, one cup of coffee each, studiously bent over their mugs, probably being in a relationship so long they had nothing left to talk about. A group of young women in their thirties collapsed with helpless giggles as a stern woman sitting alone nearby looked on and frowned. A businessman in a grey suit was standing by the counter, waiting for his order to be ready. French tourists were trying to decipher the menu, looking highly confused. And all the while Aaron’s mind raced on.

Aaron wanted to say something to Robert, as they hadn’t spoken a word since Aaron had ordered their drinks by the counter and had sat back down in front of Robert with two mugs filled with coffee. But he couldn’t seem to be able to find the right words. He had seen the hurt welling in Robert’s eyes behind that too polite smile which didn’t fit him, every time Robert looked up at him. Robert’s usual steady gaze just flickered from the window to the table and back. As if he wasn’t able to look Aaron in the eyes.

“You alright?” Aaron finally said, knowing he had to say something to break the ongoing silence between them.

“Yeah, fine,” Robert replied without looking up and Aaron frowned his forehead. He wanted for Robert to talk to him, but in order to do that he needed to find a way in.

“If that is your happy face, I don’t want to know what your sulking face looks like,” Aaron tried as a sad attempt to make Robert smile, which didn’t really seem to do the trick. After Robert had broken down yesterday and Aaron had fallen asleep, his arms wrapped around Robert, Robert hadn’t really spoken any more words than was strictly necessary. Aaron knew what was wrong, Robert had left his family to be with him. That thought still sounded unreal in Aaron’s head. It was true though, he knew it was true every time he looked at Robert. He wasn’t able to help him though, if Robert didn’t talk to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m not the best person to be around right now,” Robert sighed, looking completely drained and Aaron’s heart ached by the sight. He hated this, felt like he was partly responsible for the state Robert was in. He knew Robert didn’t blame him, but Aaron couldn’t help but think, none of this would’ve happened if he had just stayed away from Robert to begin with. There was no turning back anymore though. It was too late for that.

“Maybe I should get used to you being moody,” Aaron said teasingly, still trying to lighten the mood.

Robert snorted, finally looking up at him, which caused a sigh of relieve to run though Aaron’s body. “Says the moodiest person on the planet.”

Aaron smiled back at him, not feeling hurt in the slightest by Robert’s comment. But the smile glided from his face as Robert sighed again and looked back towards the table. “You wanna talk about it?” Aaron asked hesitantly.

“What’s there to talk about?” Robert confessed softly, still not looking at him. “It’s like it’s always has been; they chose him over me.”

“And you chose me over them,” Aaron said, his voice low. He still couldn’t believe Robert had actually done this, had really chosen him over his family. Just only thinking about it blew his mind.

Robert smiled lightly, but the smile was sad. “They left me no choice.”

“You always have a choice, Robert.” Aaron swallowed audibly, biting his lip, feeling a bit awkward. Robert made it sound like it hadn’t been a choice at all. But it had been. Aaron knew that Victoria and Diane would have let him stay if Robert had chosen to stay. But he hadn’t. Robert had walked out of that door to be with him. He just needed for Robert to see that. “Thanks for choosing me,” he added softly.

Robert gazed up, looking surprised for a moment. Robert gazed into Aaron’s eyes and suddenly he smiled at him, wrinkles appearing by his eyes and now his eyes were filled with affection. “I know I did the right thing. I just wish it hadn’t happened the way it did,” his voice a bit stronger now. Aaron nodded, knowing how Robert felt. He wished Robert’s family hadn’t found out the way they had. Robert’s eyes were wavering over Aaron’s face and Aaron wondered where Robert was thinking about.

“We do need to be more careful. I know you don’t want your mum to find out about us,” Robert eventually said.

“I’m sorry-,” Aaron started, feeling terrible about this. They hadn’t even really talked about this, but still Robert seemed to be able to read his mind when it came to this. Aaron was glad about it, as he hadn’t really figured out a way to tell Robert he didn’t want to tell his family, couldn’t tell his family. Not after he knew what had happened when Robert’s family had found out.

“It’s okay. I understand. I wished my family hadn’t found out about it,” Robert replied, sounding slightly bitter.

Aaron just nodded his head, knowing Robert was right. Them being together had always been a bad idea, but now that Robert’s family knew about them, it was even worse. Still Aaron wasn’t willing to give this up, although he knew the risks he was taking.

When Aaron looked at Robert again, Robert still looked worried, caught up in something. Aaron realized there was more to Robert’s silence than him leaving his family. It was strange seeing Robert like this, it was not like him at all. In the last weeks they had spent together, Aaron had gotten used to the long tales, the rambling, the quick wit. He bit his inner lip for just a half second, trying to figure out what to say. But Robert suddenly spoke before Aaron got the chance to say anything. "I love you." Aaron’s heart jumped up by those words, as warmth spread through Aaron’s body, but there was something in his voice that worried Aaron, some kind of desperation. "I love you, Aaron,” Robert said again, sounding almost urgent, as if he needed for Aaron to understand that. Robert clenched his jaw, turmoil in his eyes. “But I hate this. I lost everyone I care about and not only because of you and me, but because of this whole fucking situation between our families. So what if your family does find out? What then? I can’t put you in that kind of position. I just can’t.”

So that was it. It was his sense of chivalry that was holding him back, which was making Robert sad and sulky. He wanted to protect Aaron from going through the same thing he had to go through last night, where he was still going through. Aaron wasn’t sure if he wanted to hit him or hug him for it. "These are my choices, Robert. Just because I don’t want to tell them right now, doesn’t mean I don’t want to tell them at all. I am not ashamed of us, Robert. Never will be, not after everything that happened in my past. And maybe they won’t even take it as badly as your family did.”

Robert snorted at that, presumably not believing Aaron’s words and Aaron didn’t believe his words himself, he could tell how his family would react and he knew it wouldn’t be nice and cozy.

Robert sighed again, his eyes serious. "I can't be with you when you get back to the pub. I can’t be seen with you in the village. What kind of relationship do we even have, Aaron? I know what your family is like. I know you can’t tell them, not right now. I am just so tired of fighting this all the time. There just seems no end to it.” Robert looked away and Aaron knew without a doubt, Robert’s eyes were filled with emotions he didn't want Aaron to see. “I’d rather not be with you at all than having your family find out about us. You know what they’ll do if they will.” His voice trailed off and he looked down at the table again.

Aaron’s heart seemed to sink right into his chest. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It sounded like Robert was getting back on his word and Aaron swallowed hard, trying to keep the emotions under control. Still he wasn’t able to keep the annoyance and the hurt completely out of his voice when he spoke: “So what are you saying? That you don’t want to be with me?”

Robert’s eyes shot up, his eyes big. “No! Not after everything I had to give up to be with you. I just…I think we both need to be aware how hard it is going to be. We both need to know it is not going be easy.”

Aaron sighed relieved, feeling a bit calmer after Robert’s words. "I know. And I need to you to know that I wish it was different. But I need to know this isn’t going to break us up. You promised last night you choose me, that you want to be with me, not matter what."

Robert’s blue-greenish eyes pierced into his and his voice was steady when he spoke: “I do. I was not lying to you. I just want for us to be on the same page. To know where we both stand.”

Aaron considered Robert for a moment, before he said matter of factly: “You still think he is innocent, don’t you?”

Robert just looked at him, before he answered: “Just because I am with you now, doesn’t mean I changed my mind.”

“Right,” Aaron just mumbled, looking down at his hands. He didn’t know what he had expected, but Robert bluntly telling him he still believed Andy hadn’t been one of them. Still he shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Don’t ask me to take sides, Aaron,” Robert said urgently, his eyes focused on Aaron’s face.

Aaron shook his head as he looked up at him. “I won’t. I will never do that,” he said honestly, knowing he would never ask Robert to choose. Not ever.

Robert just kept on staring at him, as if he was trying to read him. “Still you want me to,” he eventually replied calm but sadly.

Aaron just shook his head. “You didn’t ask me to tell my family, so I won’t ask you to change your mind about what happened between Andy and Debbie. I know I can’t, it wouldn’t be fair on you. I just don’t want this to tear us apart.”

“It won’t,” Robert said sternly, his eyes not wavering from Aaron’s, as if he needed for Aaron to know he believed in his own words.

Aaron took a deep intake of breath, before he mumbled softly: “Can we do this?”

“Yes, we can. We’ll make it work, Aaron. No matter what happens, I am not leaving you,” Robert replied sounding convinced of his own words.

Aaron smiled at him, had needed to hear those words from Robert more than he had thought he had. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Robert replied, smiling back at him, his eyes twinkling softly.

xXx

Aaron sat himself down at the bar and asked his mother for a pint. After he and Robert had returned from Hotten, Aaron had set off to work, leaving Robert alone to deal with his family and to retrieve his things from Victoria’s place. Aaron had been working for the rest of the day at the garage. When he had come home and had come down from a well-earned shower, he had had tea with his mother. She had been nagging him the whole time he seemed to look different. Aaron had tried to shut her down on multiple occasions, finding her questions and remarks highly annoying.

“You were gone early this morning,” Chas pointed out as she put the pint down in front of him and rested against the bar. Aaron sighed silently. He had hoped his mother had missed his absence entirely.

“Yeah, had some things to sort out,” Aaron replied dismissive, trying to make it clear to his mother he didn’t want to talk about it. But as always she seemed unable to let it drop.

“Right. And did ya?” she asked, her eyebrows raised, as in question.

“Yeah, I think so,” Aaron answered curtly, but honestly. He was glad Robert and he had cleared things between them. It was nice to have everything out in the open and even though they didn’t agree on everything, it was good to know where the other was standing. He knew it would lead to arguments and fights, there was no doubt about that. But still Aaron felt better than ever. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt all giddy and warm inside when he thought about a person. But now, every time he thought about Robert, he felt a tingling warmth settle inside his body, which made him want to smile all the time.

If only he could tell his family about them…

But Aaron knew he couldn’t, it would not end well. He knew that much.

His eyes flickered to his mother, who looked deep in thought. He bit his lower lip for a moment, trying to contemplate on what he should do, if he should say something to her or not, it looked like something was bothering him. Eventually he scraped his throat to get her attention. She looked at him as if he had startled her and he frowned his forehead at her, making a face. “You’re okay?” he asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, fine. Just worried about Cain, that’s all,” she replied as she smiled at him, but there was something behind that smile which made Aaron frown even more.

“So did Cain get a chance to talk to Moira yet?” Aaron asked, feeling a need to figure out what was up with his mother.

“Yes, he did. She made him apologize to Adam. But I don’t think Adam will go back home anytime soon,” Chas sighed wearily.

Aaron just nodded, having not expected anything else. His friend could be stubborn when he wanted to be, although Aaron knew Adam had accepted the apology, even if it had only been for his mother’s sake.

“I think Moira made him realize he can’t blame every single person for what has happened between Andy and our Debs. It’s still hard on him though, to admit he was wrong,” Chas continued, her voice having a funny edge to it and Aaron suddenly understood what was up with his mum.

“Runs in the family, I think,” Aaron said, smirking up at his mother, knowing that, that was what was bothering her.

“You shut your mouth, mister,” Chas replied, half mockingly, half earnest. Aaron knew Chas didn’t like to be told off by anyone, but she knew he was right.

Aaron just grinned at her, without saying another word.

“Stop it,” Chas warned. She looked away from him, as if she was contemplating if she should speak her mind or not. Eventually she sighed, as if she had to surrender. “You are right though. I should apologize to Diane. If she’ll let me.”

Aaron looked at Chas with sympathy in his eyes. He knew how hard this all was on her. Diane was her best friend and Aaron knew how much she hated it that the two of them were fighting. “You two will be fine,” Aaron pointed out, his voice honest.

Chas smiled sadly at him, looking grateful for his kind words. “I don’t even know how it spiralled so out of control,” she confessed.

“Yeah, well,” Aaron said, his voice trailing off, not knowing what to say to that. Aaron took a sip from his drink, biting his lip, feeling slightly uncomfortable. He wanted to tell his mother, felt like he owed it to her to be honest with her. But before he got even the chance to open his mouth, his mother started talking again.

“Oh look who we’ve got here,” she said, her voice holding a sarcastic edge to it.

Aaron looked up just to see Robert enter the pub. His heart skipped a beat seeing him and something fluttered in his stomach, although he wondered why he even bothered to show up here. Thankfully this time he was on his own. Robert’s eyes landed on him for a second before his gaze moved away again and focused on Chas. “I’m not here to cause any trouble. I’m just here to have a pint.”

Chas shrugged her shoulders: “Fine by me.” Aaron looked up, surprised by his mother’s words. But knowing what she had said about making amends with Diane, he realized she was trying to do the same thing with Robert, although it still sounded a bit forced.

Aaron noticed Robert’s shoulders lost some of their tension as he sat himself down on one of the barstools, not too far away from Aaron. Chas poured him a pint and placed it in front of him, while Aaron searched for his phone. He sneaked a look at Chas who was helping other costumers and typed a quick message.

_How is this being subtle?_

Aaron heard the soft vibration of Robert’s phone and Robert pulled his phone out of his pocket to read the text. Robert looked up at him with a smirk on his face, before his fingers moved over the screen of his phone. Aaron’s phone vibrated moments later. _I am just having a pint, nothing more :)_

_Yeah, right._ Aaron typed back the moment he received the text.

Robert’s answer came a few seconds later. _I know something I’d rather do, but I can’t so…_

Aaron frowned lightly, a warmth pooling in his stomach, trying to figure out how to reply to Robert’s text. _Yeah? What’s that?_

Aaron looked on as Robert’s lips quirked up in a smile, before he took a sip from his pint, grabbing his phone the moment it buzzed with Robert’s reply.

_You_

Aaron almost choked on his drink when he read the text and coughed loudly, his mother’s eyes landing on him in confusion and concern. “You alright love?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Aaron replied distracted, already typing a message back, taking a side eyed glance to his mother, trying not to put too much attention on himself. _Don’t do that with my mum right there._

Aaron saw Robert smile from the place he was sitting, obviously enjoying himself. _What? I can’t help it you’ve got a nice arse_

Aaron could feel his cheeks turning slightly red and if his mother wasn’t right there, he would have pulled Robert upstairs right that moment. “You sure you are alright, love?” Chas asked again. Aaron gave her a glare and she backed off without another word. Aaron’s own eyes glided to Robert who was looking at him with a mildly amused look on his face. Aaron shot him a glare as well, although he wished he could just walk up to him and grab him, to take him upstairs. He took another sip from his drink, trying to tell his body to calm the hell down. His phone lit up with another text from Robert.

_I saw the way you just looked at me. Are you thinking about getting me on my knees?_

_Robert, I swear to God, if you don’t stop right now…_

_Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about fucking me the moment I walked through that door._

_You are a fucking tease_

_I know ;)_

At that moment Cain appeared from outside, entering the pub and Aaron suddenly felt very self-conscious. He didn’t know how Cain was going to react at Robert being there. But he knew it wasn’t going to be good when Cain stopped in his tracks when he noticed Robert sitting at the bar. “What’s he doing here? Since when do we serve to the Sugdens again?”

Robert looked up by the sound of Cain’s voice, a serious expression on his face, looking just as hesitant as Aaron felt. “I am not here to cause any trouble. If it’s really so hard for you to deal with me being here, I’ll just go.” Aaron was surprised by the calm and honest sound in Robert’s voice and he realized Robert was speaking the truth, that he had only come here to see him, even though they couldn’t really talk directly. Robert didn’t want to cause any more havoc between himself and Aaron’s family and Aaron loved Robert just a little more because of it.

Cain shared a look with his sister, who was looking at him with raised eyebrows, before he clenched his jaw and grumbled: “As long as you’re keeping to yourself.”

Robert’s face remained serious, but Aaron could read the relieve in his eyes, when Robert replied: “Not a word. I promise.”

xXx

Robert sighed in relieve as Cain walked passed him and sat down next to Aaron at the bar. He knew it could’ve turned nasty and he was grateful it hadn’t. he knew he had taken a big risk to come here. But after he and Aaron had returned from Hotten and he had picked up his things at his sister’s place, spending the rest of his day at the B&B, he had had this great need to see Aaron.

It had been hard to go back to his sister’s, but he had needed to collect his stuff. Thankfully, Andy had been in his room, so he had avoided another confrontation with him, for which Robert was grateful. Victoria however, had been highly upset and had tried to talk to him, had tried to make him stay. But it had been in vain. Robert wasn’t going to change his mind again. His family had chosen Andy over him and he had chosen Aaron. As far as he was concerned there was nothing left to talk about. As long as they would be against his relationship with Aaron, there would be no need to talk to them.

It hurt though, it hurt damn much. And he missed his family already, more than he was able to put into words. He loved them, he cared for them more than anything. But he knew he had made the right decision, he knew what he wanted. So he had collected his things and had checked himself into the B&B. And now he was here.

He knew they needed to keep a low profile as he had told Aaron, he knew all hell would break lose when Aaron’s family would find out and he didn’t wish for Aaron to lose his family the way he had. He didn’t want to be responsible for that.

His phone vibrated and he noticed he got another text from Aaron. _You alright?_

Robert smiled lightly to himself before he replied. _Yes, I’m good. Thanks :)_

“What are you doing?” Cain asked and Robert looked up just to see Aaron hide his phone quickly in his pocket as if he had been caught by Cain.

“None of your business,” Aaron retorted.

“This one’s in a right mood, isn’t he?” Cain joked at Chas, who smiled all knowingly back at him.

“Been acting weird all evening, this one,” she replied, her voice teasing, which made Aaron roll his eyes. And Robert laughed to himself.

“Eh, don’t you two have your own lives?” Aaron replied, sounding slightly irritated.

“See? Told you. Been snapping at me all evening,” Chas continued with the same teasing tone in her voice.

“I’m always like this,” Aaron pointed out, acting all annoyed, but Robert was sure he secretly liked this banter with his family.

“True,” Chas answered matter of factly, sounding like she didn’t care at all. The idea that Chas was used to Aaron being moody made Robert laugh. He had teased Aaron countless times already for being grumpy.

“Why’re you laughing?” Cain’s dark voice suddenly asked, and Robert realized he was talking to him as Cain’s dark eyes were focused on his face. Robert’s eyes flew to Aaron’s for a split second and he noticed the worried look in his eyes.

“Nothing,” Robert just replied, trying to pretend he hadn’t been laughing at them.

“Just say it,” Cain said, demanding an answer from Robert.

“It’s nothing really. Aaron just always reminds me of a grumpy old man.” Robert couldn’t keep the small smile off of his face when Aaron gave him a death glare, while Cain and Chas looked mildly amused.

“See even Sugden here notices it,” Cain said, his voice not as irritated as a moment before and Robert was a bit surprised Cain didn’t deck him for getting involved in family banter.

“Yes, thanks for that, mate,” Aaron said sarcastically, still glaring at him.

“He is kinda right though, love. You do look a bit like grumpy the dwarf,” Chas tuned in, her voice just as teasing as moments before. She moved to the other side of the bar and pulled Aaron into a hug. “I still love you though.”

“Mum. Get off. I mean it, get off.”

Robert laughed as Aaron tried to shrug his mother of off him, Aaron’s cheeks a beautiful tint of red. But he felt caught when he felt Cain’s eyes on him, the smile gliding of his face, the moment he noticed. He looked away from the scene in front of him and down to his glass. He picked it up and drank the last remains of his beer, still feeling Cain’s eyes on him. He put his glass down and got up from his bar stool, feeling like he overstayed his welcome.

He could feel Aaron’s eyes on him and was almost certain Chas was looking at him as well, but he ignored it, until a voice broke the silence.

“You want another one?” Robert looked up by the sound of Cain’s voice and their eyes met. Robert was taken aback for a moment when he realized Cain had asked him that question, not really knowing how to answer it, not really sure what Cain wanted from him, or why he had asked the question in the first place. His eyes flickered to Aaron for a moment and noticed Aaron looked just as astonished as he felt. His eyes travelled to Cain again, who had an unreadable expression on his face.

“Yeah, why not?” Robert eventually answered as he sat himself back down at the bar.

Cain just nodded and said to his sister: “Chas, give him another pint.”

Chas raised her eyebrows, but didn’t comment, as if she knew saying something about it, would only annoy her brother. “Alright.”

Robert didn’t really understand why Cain was suddenly being nice to him. But maybe it was his way of apologizing for the day before. Maybe Cain realized it wasn’t on him what happened between Andy and Debbie and he felt like he needed to let him know. It was the only explanation Robert could think off and it made him smile to himself. He didn’t know how it happened but it seemed like he had earned some respect from Cain, which was a nice change.

Chas put the pint in front of him, not saying a word. But Robert didn’t look at her, but caught Cain looking at him again. Cain nodded his head and Robert nodded back in silent understanding. When his eyes drifted off to Aaron he noticed Aaron was silently smiling at him and Robert couldn’t help but grin back at him, before he took a sip from his pint, trying to cover up his smirk, not willing to let any of Aaron’s other family members see.

“I knew you would be here,” the voice behind him made Robert turn around and he could almost feel the tension rise in the room. His eyes landed on his brother, who looked far from okay. Robert’s chest tightened by the sight of him and the look in his brother’s eyes caused for Robert’s throat to lock up.

“Andy?” he asked slightly worried by the sight of him. “Are you drunk?”

Andy’s somewhat blurred eyes came to rest on his face and Robert’s stomach seemed to do a nauseating twirl when his eyes met his brother’s “You did this to me. You and that lot over there,” Andy said, his voice dragging a little and Robert was sure he was drunk, which made Robert even more nervous, knowing how unpredictable Andy could be when he was drunk. He needed to get him out of there, fast. He realized well enough, Andy knew everything about him and Aaron and he needed to get Andy out of this room as soon as possible, or all hell would break loose.

“I think you did this all to yourself, mate,” Cain replied, his voice harsh, indicating he didn’t care one bit about Andy or his state of mind.

“Andy, maybe it is better if we just go, alright?” Robert said hastily as he glided from his barstool and walked over to his brother. “Come on, I’ll take you home.” Robert reached out his hand and wrapped it around Andy’s upper arm to take him outside.

But Andy pushed him away, his eyes hurt and angry. “Get off me. I don’t need your help,” he shot out, stumbling a little over his own words.

“Maybe you should listen to your brother for once. Lately he sounds more reasonable than you,” Cain remarked and Robert knew the situation was spiraling out of control fast and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Do they know? Do they know you are sleeping with him?” Andy asked, his eyes burning angrily and Robert’s heart seemed to stop beating when he realized what Andy had just said, it felt like his worst nightmare was coming to life right in front of his eyes.

“Andy, don’t,” he pleaded, already knowing, fearing what he was about to do.

“You are talking about me staying away, but maybe you should take a look at yourself,” Andy snapped, not listening to a word Robert was saying.

“Andy, Please,” Robert begged, knowing it would be in vain, knowing his brother was going to ruin everything. “You don’t know what you’re about to do.”

“You’re a hypocrite you know that? Pretending like you care so much, but still you go around and sleep with Aaron, behind everyone’s backs!”

The silence of the room made Robert’s blood run cold, as the silence lay on his skin like poison. It seeped into his blood and paralysed his brain, his eyes widened and there was a trembling in his hands. Time seemed to freeze and Robert was aware of the whole room holding its breath. All Robert could do was stare at Andy’s face in shock and terror, knowing what had just happened. Andy’s face was one of anger, not even hurrying to take back his words, not showing any remorse over what he had just done. The void was a cruelty he had inflicted intentionally, to hurt him. He didn’t care how much pain he had just inflicted on him, on Aaron. He didn’t care one bit, Robert was sure of it.

The world started spinning again, the moment Chas started speaking. “Aaron? What is he talking about?” Chas mumbled, her voice nothing more than a low whisper.

“It’s the truth, isn’t it, Aaron?” Andy said, looking passed Robert to look at Aaron. Robert turned around and his gaze ended up on Aaron’s face as well. Aaron was looking back at him, with a shocked expression on his face, looking white as a sheet. It seemed like he hadn’t even heard Andy, as he didn’t make any attempt to answer. “Isn’t it?!” Andy pushed on, his voice harsh, on the edge of shouting.

Aaron flinched at the fire in Andy’s voice and he dropped his gaze, as if he was shielding of his emotions from everyone, including Robert himself. But Robert had read it there, the pained look in Aaron’s eyes.

“Aaron?” Chas asked, her voice questioning.

Aaron looked up again and his eyes met Robert’s for just a split second, and Robert read it all, the hurt, the betrayal, the confusion. But also panic, guilt and a frantic apology. Robert wished for nothing more than to be standing next to Aaron in this moment, knowing it was impossible.

“Yes,” Aaron just breathed.

The silence that followed after Aaron’s confession was the most terrifying silence Robert had ever heard and Robert waited for the bomb to drop. He could feel that one word from Aaron turn into something bigger until he could almost feel the tension rippling through the air. Robert knew what was about to happen, had read it in Aaron’s eyes, but this, this continuing silence was the most painful part for them both, more painful than any yelled word could’ve been. He just wished for something to happen instead of enduring it any longer.

“I can’t believe this,” Chas eventually brought out, still looking as shocked as moments before.

“Alright, we need a word. Now,” Cain said, his voice threatening low, his face unreadable, but that tone caused shivers to run down Robert’s spine. Robert’s eyes were pulled towards Aaron, but Aaron didn’t look at him as he disappeared to the back, Chas following seconds later.

“And you two,” Robert turned towards Cain, to look at him: “This isn’t over. You hear me?” Cain got up and disappeared after Chas and Aaron to the back.

Robert gave Andy one last look, before he knocked against his shoulder as he stormed outside, needing to get out of there, needing fresh air in his lungs, knowing what was about to come, knowing he wasn’t able to do anything about it.

xXx

“Tell me this is a joke. Tell me this is a sick, twisted joke, Aaron,” Chas said, her voice becoming harsher with every spoken word. Aaron flinched because of it. He couldn’t defend himself, couldn’t tell his mother what she desperately wanted to hear.

He couldn’t believe what was happening, what just happened. He couldn’t believe Andy really just did that. That he would feel so jealous and hurt he had to ruin Aaron’s life because of it, had to inflict so much pain on him for some kind of payback.

Cain entered the room and flung himself at him and Aaron didn’t even have the energy to fight back as Cain pushed him against the wall, his hands tightening in Aaron’s hoody, Aaron’s back colliding hard with the wall, a streak of pain making his way down his spine. He knew the impact would leave bruises. “How long?” Cain spat out, his voice filled with anger. “How long have you been sleeping with the brother of the person who raped my daughter?!”

“Cain, get off. Get off of him. Now!” Chas demanded and Cain pulled back, the blazing rage still visible in his eyes. “Answer the question, Aaron,” Chas shot out: “How long have you been keeping this from us?”

“A few weeks,” Aaron answered quietly, his voice rough as if he hadn’t used it in ages.

“A few we-” Chas didn’t even seem able to finish that sentence. “God, Aaron. What were you thinking?”

Fires of shame and anger burned just under his skin and a deep emptiness filled his heart as his emotions brewed over and boiled past the seams he could no longer hold together. He felt terrible, had known this would eventually happen. And as he looked at his mother and uncle he knew his worst nightmare had come true. They were looking at him as if he disgusted them, as if he had committed a terrible crime. Shame inflicted itself upon him and his chest tightened, knowing he was about to break down.

“And when were you planning on telling us? Hmm?” Cain spat out, his eyes harsh.

“I wasn’t,” Aaron replied honestly. There was no point in lying anymore. He might as well put all his cards on the table.

“So you were just planning to continue sleeping with him behind our backs?” Chas replied, her voice climbing up a few octaves as if she was losing patience, as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What about trust?”

“What about family?” Cain snapped, his voice still filled with anger as he took a warning step forwards.

“What did you want me to do then?” Aaron suddenly spat out. “I knew you wouldn’t approve. I knew you would be judgemental.” He was breathing heavily now, as it took him a lot of energy to hold all his pent up emotions under control.

“You needed to stay away!” Cain yelled. “They are ruining our family; can’t you see that?!”

“They are not ruining our family. You are!” Aaron shot back, fire in his voice, losing grip on his own emotions.

Cain grabbed him by his hoody, opened the door to the hallway and threw him inside. Aaron could just stop himself from tripping over as he fell against the backdoor.

Aaron turned around to look at his uncle who was out of breath because of the rush of adrenaline, his angry gaze resting on Aaron. “What?” Aaron drawled, not knowing what he was doing himself. He just knew he needed to defend himself, as they were hitting him right where it hurt. “Does it hurt to hear the truth?” Aaron snarled.

“You are a disappointment to this family,” Cain said, his voice suddenly sounding cold, causing shivers to run down Aaron’s spine.

He bit down on his lower lip trying not to let the tears fall. That was not going to help, it was not going to change anything. Still his heart wouldn't stop racing fast, forcing tears to roll down his face. “You wanna hit me?” Aaron said, realizing how broken his own voice sounded. “Hit me. You can’t possibly make me feel any worse than I already do.”

Cain’s hands tightened into fists as he pierced at him with dark eyes. “You leave this house and you don’t come back, you hear me,” he said, his voice lacking any emotion.

Aaron could do nothing more than stare at his uncle in shock, having no idea what was happening, couldn’t really understand what his uncle was saying. His eyes wavered to his mother, who was standing behind Cain, looking at him with tears in her eyes. “Mom?” he mumbled, his voice pleading. But Chas shook her head and Aaron’s heart broke with it, realizing in that moment, this was what Robert had been through when his family had made him choose, this was where he had wanted to protect him from.

“I’m sorry love,” Chas said softly. Aaron’s throat seemed to lock up, realizing his mother had chosen Cain and Debbie and the rest of the Dingles over him. That she had chosen and hadn’t chosen to stay at his side, to stay with her son. That thought broke Aaron’s heart more than anything else had ever done and instead of crumbling, his shield came back up, the shield he had built up over the years and he had finally learned to take down. But now, in this moment, he needed it more than ever. He let the anger take over his body and eventually he was lashing out:

“So this is how far ‘standing beside your own’ goes? Well, that’s good to know. Thanks.” Aaron had just spoken the words before he was hit by Cain’s fist, hitting him square on the jaw. The impact of the punch made him fall backwards and he hit the door hard.

He heard his mother squeak, but his eyes were focused on his uncle when he got up, wiping away blood from his lip. Cain was out of breath from the adrenaline which was probably coursing through his body. He was unclenching his hand and Aaron noticed his knuckles were scratched, but Aaron found he didn’t really care. He gave his uncle one last look, shaking his head lightly, before he turned around and opened the door to step outside.

He heard his mother call his name, but he didn’t listen as he closed the door behind him.

He stood there outside in the cold for a moment, leaning against the door, trying to comprehend what had exactly happened in that moment. He wiped at his lips again and he tasted the coppery taste of blood on his tongue. His jaw hurt and he knew his skin was going to bruise.

He shivered lightly against the cold and he realized he wasn’t wearing his jacket. When he realized this, everything came crashing back at him and he realized he had just lost his whole family, his home, everything. And all because he fell in love.

If the situation wasn’t so terrible, he would have laughed about how silly it essentially was. But he couldn’t. He had finally accepted himself, was finally happy. He thought he had had everything. His family meant the world to him and to be literally left out in the cold was a feeling Aaron had hoped he would’ve never had to feel again.

His chest tightened in agony as he looked back at the place he would always consider home. He felt sick to the stomach and he could feel the tears burning in his eyes, the agony which had settled in his chest seemed to burn holes in his heart. He had no idea where he needed to go now. He knew Robert would let him stay with him, but Aaron wasn’t willing to face him just yet. He needed time to process what had happened and what he was going to do now. He knew giving up Robert wasn’t an option. Not anymore.

They had fought so hard to get where they were right now. They had both sacrificed so much to be together. If he would leave Robert, everything they had fought for would be for nothing. But Aaron was so tired of fighting for a relationship everyone was against, he didn’t know if he could keep it up either. He didn’t know if he could ignore the looks people would throw them, if he could ignore the snide remarks or the painful comments.

He just needed time to think.

He took a deep intake of breath, before he moved, turning away from the house he had always considered home and walked away. But he had just rounded the corner of the pub, to come to a halt again. A familiar person got out of a car and threw the car door closed. He was shocked to the ground, felt like all his limbs had suddenly turned to ice. The person turned around and saw him standing there, frozen to the spot.

There appeared a smile on the persons face, a smile Aaron remembered all too well and his stomach turned around by that familiar face.

“Hello, son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you all hate me yet? *laughs*


	14. Places to hide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the beautiful comments, they mean so much to me! And of course thank you for the kudos and above all for reading!!!
> 
> Warning! This is a very dark chapter. Don’t read, if you get triggered by suicidal thoughts.

Aaron couldn’t move. Droplets of water began to sprinkle, cold and wet on his skin. Rain trickled down his body as he stood there frozen, his gaze fixed on his father. Cold seeped into his body, like a freezing fog making its way into his bones and wrapping around his brain like a wet blanket. He couldn’t move, couldn’t even breath, felt like his throat had locked up. He felt the turn in his stomach and those old feelings, he had buried for such a long time, ran free. Spread through his chest, clawed at his insides and made his vision suddenly turn blurry.

Aaron ripped his eyes away from the man in front of him and turned around, realizing in that instant he had no place to return to, no place to hide. As his family had just cast him aside. His stomach lurched even more by that thought.

“Aaron, son,” he heard him say. Him, his father. Gordon.

Aaron cringed inwardly and he felt as if he was going to be sick.

“I just came here to talk to you,” Gordon continued and his voice was closer now, as if he was moving towards him. Aaron couldn’t handle it. Not right now, not after facing his mother choosing the side of Cain. Not after being pushed out by his family. It hurt too much.

He needed to get out of here, he needed to get away now. He couldn’t let his father see him like this. Didn’t want for him to see him weak, didn’t want him to see things still got to him. He started walking towards his car, could feel his father’s presence behind him. His voice was hoarse and raw when he finally spoke: “I have nothing to say to you.”

Aaron reached his car and fumbled for his keys. The rain was beating down now, heavy droplets splattering across the pavement. The water streamed through his hair, down his neck, soaking his clothes. The chilly wind cut through him like a knife, freezing his insides even more.

“Come on, son. You can spare a minute for your old man, can you not?” Gordon said. Aaron wasn’t even able to look him in the eyes as his father reached him and reached out his hand.

Aaron flinched and took a step back when Gordon reached out to touch him. He didn’t want that man’s touch. Not again, never again. He saw something cross over Gordon’s eyes, but before he was able to read what it was, it was already gone.

“You stay away from me, you hear me,” Aaron spat out, although his voice was shaking lightly and he knew he was about to break. He couldn’t take it. One more push and he would snap and break down. And he couldn’t let that happen.

He finally was able to open his car door and disappeared inside, closing the door behind him. He started the car and drove away as fast as he could.

Rain was splattering down on his wind-shield as he drove out of the village. He needed to get out of the village. He needed to be anywhere, anywhere else than there.

His father.

His breathing was suddenly shallow and his body was shaking, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel harsher. Every time tears were about to fall down his cheeks, he wiped them away. He wasn’t going to cry because of that man. Not again. Never again.

The rain was still hammering down, making it impossible for him to see anything, but Aaron didn’t care, put his foot harder down on the accelerator. There was only one thought on his mind. He needed to get away, get away now.

If his father was back, he couldn’t be there. There was no one who knew, no one who would protect him. He was all alone. Again.

He couldn’t face it. Not alone.

But if he stayed he had to. There was no one there anymore. His family had abandoned him. He had nothing to return to. He was all alone. His life was worthless if it meant that man was back. He couldn’t deal with it. Didn’t want to deal with it. He wanted it to be over.

Over.

He took a sharp turn and drove over a dirt road. He only stopped driving when the headlights of his car showed him there was no more road ahead. He knew where he was. Had been here before.

The quarry. The sun already setting in.

His breathing was rigid as if he had been running for miles. His nails dug into the steering wheel when memories penetrated into his skull, into his mind. He pushed his palms against his head, tried to stop it, tried to fight it. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop them any longer. They poured into his soul, making his heart ache and his stomach turn. The memories took him back to his insides burning, ripped, bleeding. They took him back to lying half naked, shaking in the bedroom of his childhood. With every recollection he felt disgusted, needed the pain to stop, felt less like a man. He needed it to stop, still the images were relentless, making his skin crawl, making him want to throw up. He crawled out of his car in a hurry, as if he could escape those images that way. He tripped and fell as he tried to run away from his memories. But they kept on coming. The man's creeping hands, his coarse stubble on his neck as he whispered words that could not be expunged from his mind. He felt like he was drowning and there was no hope of being saved. The blackness of his memories started to spread through his mind, clouding his thoughts and taking him back to places he had never wanted to revisit.

He stood up, his breathing rigid and he took a step closer to the edge, rain falling in crazy chaotic drops, running down his face and body. He didn’t want this, didn’t want any of this. He wanted it to end, he wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to just stop. He couldn’t handle it anymore. All the pain, all the heartache, all the hurt, the deceit, the hopelessness. It was too much. He had been in that place for too long. He needed out. He needed to feel something else than this hollow emptiness inside. He couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t face that man anymore. Couldn’t go through that hell anymore.

Ever since it happened he had felt unsafe, unloved. He didn’t want any more of that pain, no more suffering, no more hurting, no more heartache. He wanted his brain to stop, he wanted to rip his head open and pull the memories out of there, he wanted to stop those memories from getting into his head, into his blood, into his soul. His heart ached and he trembled as he moved closer to the edge, tears blurring his vision. It would be so easy. All he had to do was jump. Just one more step and everything would be over. No more memories, no more hurt, no more blame. Not feeling sick to the stomach every time he had to think of it, not feeling this shame of who he was, what his father had done to him, what he had become, what it had cost him. To stop feeling this helplessness, this weakness settle in his bones. Just one step and everything would stop.

There would be nothing.

Just blackness, just welcoming darkness, silence. Nothing more than death.

He longed for it, longed for it with his whole being. He wanted everything to stop. He needed everything to stop. He was done with it. Done with feeling this miserable, done with this life which had given him nothing more than heartache and pain. Nothing but loneliness and unlovingness.

No one would miss him. No one seemed to love him enough to ask him to stay. His family hated him, they were enraged, antagonistic to his point of view. They blamed him for going behind their backs, for lying and the chasm between them was simply too devastating to be bridged. And they were right, he was weak, a disappointment. No one would miss him. Cast aside by his family, used by his father, abandoned by his mother. Apparently no one could love him. And why would they? He was damaged, weak to the bone, down to the very narrow of him. He was pathetic, nothing more than a hollow person inside. No one in their right mind would love him. They were right for leaving him, they were right for hating him. He hated himself more than anything. He hated his skin, he hated his body, he hated everything about himself. He hated this weakness inside of his chest, he hated that he had never put up a fight, had never defended himself. He didn’t love himself. Didn’t know how to. He despised himself, loathed himself with every fibre of his being. They were right. He was a disappointment. He'd never felt more disgusted of himself

His body was shaking now, filled with agony, with revulsion. His mind was running in circles, the memories just kept on coming, all those terrible moments. Those feelings of feeling unsafe, unloved. The pain when his father had hurt him rippled through his body, making him sick to the stomach, his throat locking up, his breathing coming out in shreds.

His body jumped when a buzzing sound filled the silence and he almost tripped and fell. Aaron vaguely realized it must’ve been his phone. He didn’t know how he got it out of his pocket, but suddenly he was holding his phone in his trembling hand, droplets of water falling down on the screen. His heart wrung out like a dishrag when he noticed through his blurred eyes it was Robert. Tears ran down his face and he realized his body was shaking uncontrollably now from the grief and the sadness which had settled in his chest.

He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t pick up the phone, he couldn’t hear Robert’s voice.

He couldn’t let Robert hear him like that, he didn’t want Robert to know he was doing this, to let him know he was too far gone. Didn’t want Robert to know he was this pathetic, weak person.

Still there was a part of him that wanted to pick up. Still there was a flicker, a tiny part of him, deep inside of his chest that wanted to. To tell Robert he was sorry, to tell him he was just too weak, that he deserved someone else, someone better. But above all that, he wanted to hear Robert’s voice, needed it, longed for it, although the thought alone lurched at his heart. He had caused him so much pain, he had made Robert lose his family, Robert had lost it all, all because of him. He didn’t understand how Robert could even be with him. Didn’t know what Robert saw in him. No one in their right mind would be with him, would want him. No one wanted to be with this sick, twisted person. He was damaged goods, a huge mess. The aching feeling in his chest only intensified when Robert’s name disappeared from his screen as the call was disconnected. His body seemed to cry from the inside, felt like he had lost the one person who had still cared as his phone turned black.

Tears ran down his cheeks as Aaron took another step closer to the edge, rocks ad pebbles rolling down and falling down the cliff, rumbling over the rocky ground below. Aaron took a shuddering breath as he closed his eyes for a moment. Darkness had settled in his bones. There was nothing left to live for, nothing left to stay for. He had lost everything and with it the will to live.

He was letting go.

He was finally letting go. He would finally be free.

But something pulled him back, a soft vibration in his left hand. Robert. He looked at his phone as a part of his brain registered he had a voice mail. His hands were shaking terribly as he looked at the screen with blurred eyes. He could feel the agony settle in his chest. One last time. One last time to hear his voice. It was the only thing he needed, just for a second. Just one last time. He brought the phone to his ear with trembling hands. Robert’s voice was filled with worry as he spoke.

_Aaron, I heard from Sam and Zak what happened. Are you alright? Please call me back or meet me at the B &B._ Robert fell silent for a moment, before he mumbled: _I love you, you know that, right? Whatever happens, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Whatever you need._

Tears were running down his cheeks before Robert was even done speaking. The aching in his chest intensified and the phone fell from his hand. He couldn’t hold it back no longer, his body taking over, his emotions craving a way out. He buried his face into his hands, ashamed of what he was about to do, overwhelmed by the worry and desperation in Robert’s voice. He sobbed into his hands and the tears dripped between his fingers, raining down onto the moist, rocky soil, as his body went rigid. His breathing was ragged, gasping and the strength left his legs. He fell to his knees not caring about the grit that dug into his knees, not caring how close he really was to the edge. He was noisy, drowning in his own agony, his skin blotched, but there was no-one there to witness it, let alone to comfort him. He cried until no more tears came, until the rain stopped falling, still the emptiness and sorrow remained. But there was something else there as well. It was like this small flicker of grey in the darkness of his mind. It guided him slowly back to reality.

Dusk fell. Still he didn’t move, felt like he had no place he could go.

He had never been this alone in his entire life.

xXx

It was completely dark in the B&B as he let himself in. He shivered against the cold which had soaked into his clothes from spending half the night in his car. He couldn’t really remember how he had made it back here, his whole mind was one big blur as if fog had entered his brain and clouded his reasoning, his feelings, everything. It was the only thing which was keeping him upright at the moment. He moved quietly upstairs, not willing to disturb anyone if they would be in, not willing to let them know he was even there. When he was upstairs, he let himself into the room. He had no energy to put the lights on as he moved to the bed. He pulled his hoody and his shoes off, a cold shiver running down his spine.

If it had been any other time or situation, Aaron would’ve been embarrassed beyond belief to do this. But now he found he really couldn’t care less, as he lay himself down onto the mattress and buried himself underneath the blankets. It was cold in the room, and Aaron shivered after so many hours spent in his car. He had just been sitting there after he had finally been able to get himself to move back to his car. He couldn’t even remember he had fallen asleep or not, but he thought he had, because when he had woken up he had been stiff and cold and the world around him had been shrouded in darkness.

Aaron curled into himself, trying to focus less on the way every layer of skin and flesh and bone in him ached and to focus more on the softness of those sheets, trying to forget everything, as the rest of the world spun on.

He woke up by the sound of footsteps and it took him a moment before he realized that Robert had just entered the room. He focused his eyes on Robert and he knew what he should look like because he had seen his reflection in the rear view mirror; wrecked, red eyed, and hollow.

Aaron expected for Robert to say something.

But he didn’t, as he walked slowly over to the bed, Aaron watching him like a cornered animal about to bolt.

In Aaron’s exhausted haze he didn’t really realize how close Robert was until he was lifting the blankets and slid in next to Aaron. He didn’t say anything. He simply lay a good foot or so away from Aaron and settled his gaze on him.

Aaron waited for Robert to say something, because he must’ve been working around to saying something, but Robert simply stared at him, tracked his way from the bruising on Aaron’s face to the tear streaks underneath his eyes, while Aaron barely remembered crying at all.

He waited for Robert to say it, the ‘I’m sorry’ or the other pseudo-sympathetic words that should mean something to Aaron but really wouldn’t, but the silence stretched between them. Aaron was just about to close his eyes again and settle down to rest when suddenly Robert moved.

Aaron flinched, not sure what he was expecting, but right now his eyes were burning and his skin was numb because nothing felt good or safe anymore. The arm that had come up to touch Aaron suddenly stilled and Robert locked eyes with Aaron, waited until Aaron relaxed again. Aaron’s muscles trembled with weariness. Aaron’s eyes didn’t waver from Robert’s and read the question in his eyes. He took a deep intake of breath and nodded his head slowly. Robert moved again then, snagging his arm slowly around Aaron’s waist and inching him towards Robert. Aaron considered going deadweight for a few seconds to stop his progress, but he felt so tired and Robert smelled like all that was known and familiar.

And maybe Robert wasn’t the person Aaron should see. But he sure was the person Aaron needed.

So he closed his eyes, curled into Robert, fell as much as he could fall, tossing his legs and arms on and around Robert. Robert tentatively manoeuvred him like precarious pieces to a jagged puzzle and Aaron just breathed.

Breathed in that tang of sweat and smell of laundry detergent that clung to Robert’s shirt, breathed in his aftershave and his cocky smiles, breathed in the smell of Americanos and lazy Sunday mornings and apologies Robert never got to make. The room, the entire universe, it was all background to this right here.

It was a bit over protective, and Aaron felt a little like a child, but as Robert pulled him in closer, Aaron found he didn’t want to complain. He concentrated on the expanding of Robert’s rib cage against his own, the heat of his skin and the ticklish way Robert’s frigid feet pressed against his, the way his own knees gently nudged the meaty part of Robert’s thighs, because Robert’s legs were longer and took up infinitely more space.

Aaron faded in and out of sleep after that, but somehow he was very aware of Robert’s presence beside him.

When he eventually woke up again, his eyes flickering against the darkness in the room, Robert moved beside him and softly turned Aaron’s face towards his, as if he had sensed Aaron had woken up. He pressed their foreheads together, breath mixing and for a moment they were sharing the same air. Aaron’s eyes settled on Robert’s just to find Robert looking quietly at him, so close Aaron could count the freckles that dusted his cheeks even in the dark of the room.

Aaron was not sure how long they just lay like that, he might’ve fallen asleep again, he was not entirely sure. He was aware of a total of three things. He was aware that the room didn’t feel as cold as it had done before. He was aware that he probably smelled and looked embarrassingly bad, bad breath and cold sweat in his hair, bruises on his face. And he was aware of all the joints and patches of skin where he was flushed against Robert.

And for the first time that night, he felt protected, felt like no one would be able to touch him here. If he could only stay here forever. He felt like he never wanted to leave again. The world could go on without him. Aaron knew Robert would protect him, no matter what.

And it was exactly what Aaron needed.

But Robert’s eyes were moving over Aaron’s face, questioning, worrying, asking for Aaron to say something. But Aaron couldn’t, felt like he had lost his ability to speak. Still the look in Robert’s eyes didn’t change. Eventually Robert’s quiet voice broke the ongoing silence between them. “You wanna talk about it?”

Aaron had to blink his eyes a few times, before his brain registered Robert had broken the silence and it took a few more seconds to process what he had actually said. Aaron sat up at once, pulling himself away from Robert’s touch, bad memories and terrible nightmares invading his brain. He could feel Robert sitting up next to him, but he didn’t reach out to touch him again. As if he knew Aaron needed his space right now.

“I… I can’t,” Aaron answered softly and he felt the tears welling up in his chest. All those well kept secrets, all the things he tried to forget. It was too much, too much to handle. He couldn’t deal with it. He had thought he had finally given it a place, could finally forget about it. But Gordon had brought everything back to the surface. Everything he had fought so hard for to forget. He had finally build a home for himself, a place where he felt save and loved and even that had just been ripped away from him in seconds. He could feel the pressure increasing inside of his chest and before he could stop it, he was crying. Warm, dark tears fell from his eyes, the pain in his chest claiming a way out. He didn’t even realize he had started shaking until Robert’s voice broke the silence.

“Aaron, what’s wrong? Please talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me,” Robert’s voice was filled with worry and distress.

Aaron just shook his head, as if he could shake everything away like that. “You can’t help me. There’s nothing you can do.”

“Aaron, you are really starting to scare me,” Robert said, his voice timid and small. “Please talk to me.”

Aaron took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, although he knew it wasn’t working. He couldn’t say it, he had kept it a secret for so long. He had never told anyone, too ashamed, too hurt to do so. But even as he tried to push Robert away with words, a small part of his brain knew he was about to crack. “There’s nothing to say. Please Robert, just leave it.”

“I can’t. I have never seen you like this,” Robert’s voice trembled lightly with worry. “Please, maybe I can help.”

Aaron turned around, looked at Robert, which just brought on more tears, his body shaking wildly now. “You can’t help. You can’t make it disappear.” Aaron had the feeling as if he was choking, tears streaming down his cheeks. He breathed in, shallow and shaky, his body trembling all over. “He raped me. My dad raped me.”


	15. The deafening truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Descriptions of childhood abuse/ sexual abuse.
> 
> I used a few sentences in the first scene from the episode of Emmerdale itself, to make it a bit more authentic.

Robert had the feeling the world froze when the meaning of Aaron’s words sank in. He couldn’t speak, for a moment didn’t even remember how. He knew he should say something but he could do nothing but stare at Aaron.

Aaron didn’t seem to notice, just stared off into the distance like he was reliving a memory he’d suppressed for a very long time. Robert was completely at a loss for words. The moment he had walked into the room he had known something had been terribly wrong. He had never seen Aaron like that. He had been worried of course, even before he had walked into the room, after he had spoken to Zak and Sam, who had reluctantly told him what had happened at the pub. He couldn’t even comprehend how fast news travelled through this village. But at that moment his only concern had been for Aaron, knowing how bad he would’ve reacted to being left out in the cold by his own family. But he had never expected this when he had returned to the B&B, had never expected Aaron to reveal this to him, had never seen this coming. It turned his blood into ice and his stomach lurched at the thought alone, even though he still couldn’t really comprehend what was happening, what Aaron was saying.

Aaron glanced at him and smiled bitterly, the smile was filled with an immense sadness and Robert couldn’t breathe with the strength of Aaron’s emotions. A mixture of anger and grief was running through Robert’s blood. “How old were you…when he…,” Robert couldn’t even get the words over his lips, had no idea what to say, felt horrible, already dreading Aaron’s answer.

Aaron looked away from Robert again, a single tear gliding down his cheek, but something in Robert’s posture must have given Aaron the courage to speak, because he opened his mouth and whispered softly, but hoarsely: “First time I was eight.”

Robert’s throat locked up and he had the feeling like he couldn’t breathe properly. He realized every muscle in his body was tense, his fists clenched together, his nails digging into the palm of his hands, but he stayed silent. Couldn’t really find the words to say anything.

Aaron rubbed a hand across the fabric of his trousers. “In the beginning everything was fine and we were a proper family, him, my mom and me. But as I got older, all they seemed to do was fight over every single thing. From that moment it was terrible being at home. There were constant fights, arguments about everything and nothing, but after she’d left it became even worse.”

Aaron moved his forearm over his eyes to wipe away the tears and Robert’s heart clenched together by the sight, realizing what kind of childhood Aaron must’ve had, realizing how horrible it must’ve been. “At first it was okay, you know. He would tell me it was just him and me against the world. Just the two of us. And everything was great. He was great…” Aaron’s voice wavered and he moved his arms around himself, tightly, as if he was trying to protect himself. “But I missed her…I missed my mom. I remember nights when I cried myself to sleep, because I missed her so much. I asked dad when she would come back, asked her why she had left and if he couldn’t make her come back…” Aaron took in a shaky breath and his body shuddered all over as tears fell from his eyes. “He got so mad every time I would bring her up. I remember the day my father shook me above the couch by the scruff of my clothes, because I had asked him if we could go and look for my mom. He dropped me back down and left me crumpled there, too shocked to cry, just breathing.” Aaron stopped for a moment, as if he had to brace himself to say the next words. His voice was soft and breathy when he spoke: “That night he came to my room and…hurt me.”

Robert’s stomach turned around with nausea. He had never recalled to ever being this shocked. He felt sick to the stomach, just by Aaron’s words, couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve been like to go through all of that.

Salty tears flowed down Aaron’s cheeks, finally releasing the sadness and sorrow that had been held inside of him all this time. Still he didn’t make a sound. Aaron’s voice was raw when he spoke on: “The first time, I didn’t even really know, really understood what was happening. I just knew it hurt and that it was wrong.” Aaron’s voice broke on the last word and he just broke down, lost in his own pain, lost in a terrible, horrible past he was reliving all over again. And Robert just sat there on the bed, feeling as helpless as he had ever felt in his life. He wanted to do something, anything. But he knew all Aaron needed from him at this moment was to listen to him, although it was the hardest thing Robert ever had to do. He knew Aaron needed him more than ever.

Aaron tried to calm himself again by taking a few shaky breaths and Robert noticed how hard it was for Aaron to carry on, to get the words over his lips. Robert almost wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to go on if he couldn’t but at that moment Aaron talked on: “He told me from now on, I’d have to be a good boy and it wouldn’t happen again if I did. So I tried. I tried so hard to be good.” Aaron looked up at him with a tear stained face. “But you can’t be good forever,” Aaron mumbled, his words barely there so Robert had to strain to be able to make them out. He wanted to touch Aaron, hold him, as tears dripped down from Aaron’s eyes. But he could tell Aaron couldn’t handle that right now, so he kept his hands to himself. Looked on while a wave of pain and anger crashed over Aaron’s face. He wanted, he needed to do something, sitting there in silence was almost unbearable and he couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for Aaron to live through all those memories, when hearing Aaron speak those words hurt and horrified Robert this much. He couldn’t imagine how Aaron had lived through it, how he’d survived all of it. “Aaron you were just a kid,” Robert said, his voice close to shaking while he blinked away the tears in his eyes.

“If I had stayed good it wouldn’t have happened again,” Aaron whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks again. Aaron wiped them away with a rough gesture like the tears themselves angered him.

“Aaron, listen to me,” Robert said, his voice insistent. “None of this is your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.” When Aaron looked up at Robert, Robert had a hard time holding back his own tears by the look in Aaron’s eyes. They were filled with grief, loss, devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered too much.

Aaron let go of a shaky breath. “I tried to do what he expected from me. I kept quiet, talked to no one, stayed away from anyone. Still I slipped up and he got angry and he just….” Aaron’s voice broke, his face filled with hurt. “I didn’t understand it. He was supposed to love me. So why did he hurt me that way? He was supposed to keep me safe, instead he ripped my life apart.”

Robert’s heart broke, hearing Aaron’s words. He sounded so much like that child, that kid, who didn’t understand what his father was doing to him. And Robert knew Aaron still didn’t understand, couldn’t understand how his own father could’ve done that to him.

“After that, I thought everyone could see it, could read it on my forehead. I was disgusted with myself, didn’t know what was happening. I wasn’t even eleven yet, but I just lost it. Everything just spiraled out of control. My grades dropped, I skipped school more than I was attending. Started to hang out with the wrong people. And I was so scared. I was so scared of him. I couldn’t let him touch me, couldn’t let anyone touch me or I lashed out. It got from bad to worse, until he had enough.”

“Oh my God, Aaron,” Robert brought out, realizing he had spoken when the words had already left his mouth.

But Aaron didn’t seem to hear him. Aaron was staring into the distance now, completely pulled back into his terrible memories. “The last time, I remember the clearest.”

Robert swallowed, trying to get rid of the tight knot which was stuck in his throat. “I knew it was coming, could feel it, this tension rising during the day. The way he looked at me, I knew he was done with me, done with me being this bad kid. I lay in my bed that night and he knocked on my door. And even when I tried to refuse him coming in, he came anyway. He told me not to worry, because he was going to make sure, I’d be a good boy again.” Aaron shivered, Robert didn’t know if it was just from the cold or because of the memory Aaron was clearly reliving.

“He loitered above me while I helplessly tried to shut him out, trying to pretend he wasn’t there, that he wasn’t real. He crawled over me, my stomach lurching and fear spearing at my heart. He poked at my brain and played with my mind. He whispered poisoning words against my ears and I bit my tongue, trying to keep in every sound. He climbed up my spine, crushing my bones with his unbearable, unbeatable strength, demanding to be felt.”

Robert had the feeling he was going to be sick. Never in his life had he ever felt this repulsive, sick, twisted feeling inside of his body. He couldn’t believe anyone, anyone in this world could do something like that to a child, a boy who should have laughed and played basketball or football or hang out with friends. No one in their right mind would do something like that to a child. To ruin someone’s childhood like that, Robert would never be able to forget that.

“There was one other time, just before he kicked me out. I had lost all control over my life, had no idea what I was doing. I was about fifteen and he loathed my behavior, my attitude towards him, his wife Sandra… I knew he wanted to teach me a lesson. I knew it was coming and I needed to get out, needed to get away. I promised myself no more. No more hurting, no more pain. And so I lashed out and hit Sandra in the process. All that time. And in the end I end up hitting the wrong person. What kind of person does that make me?”

“A person who had to deal with too much for too long,” Robert replied quietly, still feeling like his throat was locked up. Robert shifted slightly, not knowing what to do with Aaron’s revelations, not quite understanding what had happened while he had been away from Aaron. Robert breathed inwardly, not sure he wanted to bring it up, but feeling like he had to nonetheless. “What brought this on, Aaron? What happened when you went into the back room of the pub?”

Aaron just breathed for a moment, before he looked up at Robert again, and Robert saw the unshed tears burning in Aaron’s eyes. “They told me to leave. They threw me out, told me I was no longer part of the family.” Robert swallowed loudly, feeling like it was partly his fault that had happened. He should have stopped Andy from speaking, from forming those words. He hadn’t and now Aaron had lost his family, as much as he had lost his. “Is that what brought this on?” Robert asked carefully, not really believing that that would’ve been the case, feeling like there was something else.

Aaron shook his head. “No. When I got outside, he…he was standing outside the pub. He had just gotten out of his car. And I just…I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was just too much.” Tears were streaming down Aaron’s face again and his body was shaking in despair.

“So I drove away and I drove to the quarry…” Aaron shivered lightly as if he was remembering something terrible. Aaron breathed in deeply: “I tried to kill myself last night.” Aaron’s confession was soft, almost inaudible, but it made Robert freeze in his spot. Memories of Andy lying in a pool of blood came crashing down on him and he had a hard time breathing for a moment. “How did ya…I mean… what were you planning…” Robert couldn’t even get the words over his lips, feeling sick to the stomach, by the thought of losing Aaron like that.

“I was ready to jump, when you… when you called me. I…I couldn’t pick up the phone, didn’t really want to listen to the voicemail you left me. But I just…I needed to hear your voice…before I…” Aaron’s voice broke, as he buried his face into his hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Aaron mumbled through his hands. Robert’s heart tightened, tears in his own eyes and he could do nothing more than to pull Aaron into him. Aaron didn’t resist him, even buried his face against his chest, his hands tightening in the fabric of his shirt. “It’s okay. I am not blaming you for anything. I’ve got you now.”

Aaron just broke down in his arms. His body started to tremble as Robert held him close. He could feel Aaron’s pain and despair through the way Aaron pressed his head into his chest, how his fingers dug into the skin of his back. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief and hurt, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he suddenly broke down entirely, all his defenses washed away in the salty tears, which dripped on Robert’s shirt.

Robert just held him as his mind raced on. It had broken his heart to hear about what Gordon had done to Aaron. The anger he felt... he knew he was capable of killing Gordon right this moment. No matter the consequences for himself. If it would set Aaron free from his demons, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Robert took a deep calming breath, his thoughts wouldn't help Aaron right now. He needed to be calm, collected, in control. “Does anyone know?” Robert asked quietly. Aaron tensed in his arms, before he moved away and shook his head resolutely. “No. And they never will.”

“You never told anyone? Ever?” Robert only now started to realize with how much of a burden Aaron had been walking around his whole life. Never telling a soul, never telling anyone this horrible, heart breaking truth. Robert couldn’t even grasp how Aaron had been able to, how he could still be such a warm loving person. That he still had been able to walk and talk, to breath and laugh and love. To live.

It made Aaron into the strongest person he knew. Probably the strongest person he would ever know.

“No. And I am not going to. So you are going to stop going on about it. This stops here, now.” Aaron’s voice sounded resolute, but there was something else there as well. Fear. Afraid of what people would think of him when they found out, how they would react, how they would treat him if they knew. Robert’s heart cringed by the idea of people treating Aaron any differently. He didn’t deserve that. But Aaron deserved to be freed of this burden, for as much as he could. But Robert realized now wasn’t the time to talk about that. He only had to look at Aaron to know he was completely drained, emotionally exhausted.

“Okay.” Aaron looked up at Robert after that word, looking a bit surprised and a bit relieved as well. Robert moved a bit closer to Aaron and looked him in the eyes. “Whatever you need, whatever you feel you need to do. I am here. I’m not going anywhere. You are not alone anymore, Aaron. I will see to that.”

Aaron just nodded and Robert moved away. He lay himself down underneath the blankets and waited silently. He wasn’t really sure what he was trying to do, maybe he wanted to show Aaron he would be safe with him, maybe he just wanted to show him he was wasn’t going anywhere. Aaron seemed to take a deep, shaky breath before he moved and stepped in on the other side. Robert turned on his side to look at Aaron, noticing Aaron was already gazing at him. They stayed like that for a few passing moments, not touching, just staring at each other in the semi-darkness of the room.

“Glad to have you here,” Robert confessed softly.

Aaron smiled very lightly. “Glad to be here,” he answered back, his voice nothing but a whisper.

xXx

Aaron was awakened by the sun shining through the window, setting the whole room in a warm light. Aaron blinked his eyes and froze immediately when he remembered what had happened last night. What he had almost done and what he had told Robert. A heavy, dark feeling came over him and Aaron’s stomach turned around as his mind projected memories of what had happened last night. Aaron took a deep breath, trying to calm himself and he carefully rolled onto his side.

He was still there.

He hadn’t run, he hadn’t left. He was still there, sound asleep. He was lying a bit further away than he normally would’ve done, as if he subconsciously knew Aaron would’ve freaked out if he had touched him when Aaron had woken up.

For a moment all Aaron could do was look at him. His features were much softer in sleep, the lines that usually creased his brow replaced by the youthful appearance that matched those of others his age. He looked peaceful. Aaron wanted nothing more than to curl up into the curve of his body, but something held him back. He couldn’t do it, not after last night. And the realization he wasn’t able to, made his heart ache. Yet another thing his father had taken away from him.

He moved out of bed and walked slowly towards the window. He was still wearing the clothes from last night. They smelled moldy and sweaty because of the heavy rain which had been falling down on him last night and after sleeping the whole night in them.

Aaron took a deep breath and looked out over the village and the countryside lying behind it. The hills stretched out like a great quilt of golden, brown and green squares. Occasionally there was a wood that separated the fields, or a farmhouse or barn. It was as if the rain of last night had made the landscape come to life. He wished the rain had done the same to him. He didn’t quite understand how the world could look so beautiful, while his life was left in shatters around him.

His breathing hitched, but he tried to stop himself from crying, closing his eyes as his fingers curled around the edges of the window frame. Like a horror movie memories played in his mind again as if somehow his brain was unwilling to let the images go. It made him see it all over again. Painful memories, terrible images of his past slipped through his mind like sand in an hour glass. He knew the more he tried to suppress it, the more it would come back to haunt him, but he couldn't help it. He didn’t want these memories; he didn’t want to face it yet again. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t be here. He didn’t want to see his father ever again. He was too broken, too fragile. He needed a moment to breathe, a moment to feel anything else than this hollow, empty feeling inside.

Aaron gazed back to the bed, at Robert who was still fast asleep.

He knew he wouldn’t have been alive right now if it hadn’t been for Robert. And at this moment he was the only person he had left. He had told him his deepest, darkest secret and he hadn’t run, he hadn’t disappeared out of his life. He was still there and that knowledge made everything seem a little less dark. He owed Robert so much, so much more than he was able to give him. The frightening thought of Robert knowing his secret, scared Aaron deep inside.

Robert had said, back when he had left his family for him, that it was Aaron who had made him stay, but Aaron knew without a doubt that it was Robert who would keep him going. Robert’s fierce protective streak, Robert’s sarcasm, Robert’s escapism and Robert’s silent understanding of everything Aaron was, both good and bad.

But Aaron also knew, he wouldn’t be able to look Robert in the eyes when he would wake up. He wouldn’t know what to say to him, knowing Robert knew what his father had done to him. He didn’t want to know if this would change everything, anything between them. Couldn’t face it yet, wouldn’t be able to deal with it. Not now. The wounds were too deep, too raw. He needed them to heal a bit first. Before he could face any of it.

He heard a soft vibration and he realized it was his phone. He moved quietly through the room, glancing at Robert’s still sleeping figure, thankful the sound hadn’t woken him up. He grabbed his hoody from the ground and grabbed his phone out of one of the pockets. He noticed he got a text and his chest tightened when he realized who it was from. He looked at Robert again, before he picked his hoody from the ground and pulled it on. It was still a bit damp from last night and he shivered for a moment, pulling the hood over his head. He took one last look at the sleeping figure on the bed, before he opened the door and left the room, closing the door behind him.

xXx

Aaron entered the house softly, had checked his surroundings before he had entered, hoping no one of his family had seen him walking around the village, or worse his father. The person who was sitting at the dinner table shot up at once and took a step towards him, before they stopped again and stood still, probably having noticed how terrible he looked.

“Got your text,” Aaron said, his voice hoarse as if he hadn’t used it in ages.

“Good. Good. It’s good to see you Aaron.” Paddy’s eyes pierced into his, his eyes filled with worry and concern and Aaron knew in an instant Paddy knew what had happened between him and his family last night. But instead of looking angry or upset about it, he just looked worried. Worried about him. That knowledge brought all kind of feelings up to the surface, so Aaron just nodded, not being able to speak, too many emotions circling inside of his mind.

“Did Cain do that to you?” Paddy asked and Aaron knew he was looking at the bruises on his face. Now Paddy actually mentioned them, it was the first time Aaron felt the sting of the bruises on his jaw. Too caught up in his head, he hadn’t even felt the physical bruises.

“I’ve had worse,” Aaron said honestly, the psychical pain wasn’t the thing which had hurt the most. “So you said you had a bag for me?” Aaron continued, not willing to continue this conversation. He really didn’t want to talk about any of it. He was tired of talking, tired of having these painful conversations which always ended up hurting him. He couldn’t, not again. Not after yesterday.

“Yeah. Yeah. Chas dropped it here,” Paddy said, as he walked towards the living room, probably to retrieve it.

“Right,” Aaron just mumbled, staying where he was. He still couldn’t believe he was actually all on his own now. He had no one left. He knew what it meant, being thrown out of the Dingle family, had seen it happen over the years. He had hated it, every single time it had happened. But that was what their family was about. Loyalty.

If you didn’t show it, you were out. And it was almost impossible to get back in.

They saw what he’d done as betrayal and he had no idea how to make it right. Aaron’s throat locked up and he had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

Paddy appeared again with Aaron’s overnight bag in his hand and he put it down on the kitchen table. He eyed at him, his eyes still holding that concerned look in them. “She told me what happened,” Paddy said calmly. “She looked really upset.”

Aaron felt even worse because of Paddy’s words and cringed inwardly. “Please Paddy, don’t judge me. I can’t…”

“No! No, you know I would never do that,” Paddy interrupted hastily, his voice honest. After a moment of hesitation, as Paddy was just staring at him, Paddy asked softly: “Do you want to talk about it?”

Aaron shrugged his shoulders, unable to say anything, not even knowing what to say.

Paddy gave him a sympathetic look as if he knew what was going on inside of Aaron’s mind. Aaron wouldn’t even be so surprised if he did. “Is he really worth all of this?” Paddy asked, genuinely.

Aaron moved his hands over his face. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” he confessed, his voice sounding rough.

“You _really_ like him?” Paddy asked.

Aaron nodded his head once, knowing he couldn’t lie to Paddy. “Yeah,” he whispered hoarsely.

Paddy’s eyes wavered over his face, as if he was trying to read him. “Do you love him?” he asked after a moment, his voice soft, questioning.

Aaron just nodded, knowing that if he opened his mouth now, he would start crying and wouldn’t be able to stop, knowing how much hurt he had cost his family just because he fell in love.

“Then you did the right thing,” Paddy just simply stated, his voice calm, honest.

Aaron looked up at Paddy in shock, hadn’t even considered those words ever leaving Paddy’s mouth. He didn’t know what he had to do or say in the face of this. Had never imagined someone who wouldn’t judge him for it.

“You always want to do what is best for everyone else but yourself. I think it was about time you choose you.”

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” Aaron confessed, his voice soft, feeling terrible about everything that had happened.

“I know. And nobody said it was going to be easy,” Paddy answered honestly. “But you deserve a chance to be happy.”

Aaron snorted, but it sounded more like a sob.

“And you know, they might eventually turn around,” Paddy tried, and Aaron knew it was Paddy’s way to cheer him up.

“And what if they don’t?” Aaron just said, his voice smaller than he had intended.

“Well, you will still have me. I’ll never let you down,” Paddy just said honestly.

Suddenly tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes by Paddy’s words, getting to him more than he could’ve imagined. The tears streamed down his face, without Aaron knowing how to hold them back any longer. Paddy closed the gap between them and held him tight, pulling him into him. “I am so proud of you. Never forget that.” Aaron just held on for dear life, felt like he was drowning in his own sorrow, feeling like he didn’t deserve Paddy’s words.

There was so much more that wanted to tell Paddy, so much more he felt like Paddy needed to know. But he couldn’t, not now, not after last night. Still he couldn’t help but saying: “I don’t know what to do now.”

“I think you need to do what you need to do for you,” Paddy answered honestly and Aaron smiled lightly through his tears. Only Paddy could say something like that and get the meaning of it across.

Aaron tried to pull himself together as he took a few shaky breaths, before he pulled away and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Can I take a shower here?” he asked after a moment, in which Paddy acted like it was the most normal thing in the world to have his surrogate son crying in his kitchen. Aaron felt like there was some truth in that. He felt like crying had been the only thing he had been doing for the last twenty-four hours.

“Course you can,” Paddy just answered casually.

xXx

Aaron wavered in front of the door, knowing he needed to go inside, but also not really knowing what he had to say when he would’ve entered. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He stepped inside and closed it behind him. Robert stood up from the bed in an instant, his eyes worried, his posture tense and Aaron felt bad for leaving without saying a word that morning. “Where have you been? Are you alright?” Robert’s eyes trailed down his body as if he was subconsciously checking he was still in one piece.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He knew that wasn’t true, that he was far from fine, but he wanted to pretend like he was, it was the only thing that kept him going at the moment.

“I was worried,” Robert confessed softly and it almost made Aaron feel guilty for not letting Robert know where he had gone to.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, feeling completely drained. Robert just nodded, while he continued to stare at him and Aaron realized he was waiting for Aaron to tell where he had been.

“I got a text from Paddy,” Aaron said weary. “So I went round there. She left this at his place.” Aaron put the overnight bag down on the bed. “She couldn’t even face me herself,” he continued, his voice sounding bitter and hurt.

“I’m so-” Robert started, a frown on his forehead.

“I know,” Aaron interrupted, his voice turning a little harsher, without him really wanting to. “It won’t change anything though. It’s done. She made her decision. I made mine.”

Robert’s frown deepened and he looked confused and worried. “What are you talking about?”

Aaron buried his hands in his pockets. He knew he had to say it, still it was hard. He wasn’t even able to look at Robert as he replied hoarsely: “I’m going away for a while.”

“Whatya mean, you’re going away?” Robert replied and suddenly Robert’s voice sounded tight.

Aaron swallowed hard, he really didn’t want to have this conversation, but he needed for Robert to understand. “I can’t stay here, knowing he is here, knowing he can just turn up out of nowhere and I have to see him. I can’t deal with it.”

Robert clenched his jaw and Aaron knew in that moment, Robert wasn’t liking this one bit and it made Aaron feel even more horrible. “But going away just shows him, he’s won,” Robert reasoned, his voice a bit heated.

“Robert, please,” Aaron pleaded. He needed for Robert to understand. He couldn’t stay here. He needed time to breathe, needed time to deal with everything. He couldn’t do that here, everything just hurt way too much. This whole village reminded him of what had happened. His family reminded him of what had happened. Robert reminded him of what happened. He just couldn’t stay.

“I won’t let ya. I won’t let ya leave,” Robert answered, his voice rough, clearly upset now.

“You don’t have a choice,” Aaron stated, trying to keep his voice calm, but he felt weary. The last thing he wanted was to argue with Robert.

Aaron read the turmoil in Robert’s eyes. “Fine, then I’ll go with you,” Robert stated.

Aaron shook his head again. “No. I need to be on my own. I need to sort my head out.”

Robert’s jaw tightened again. “I will not let you leave on your own. You told me last night you tried to kill yourself. How can you expect me to just let you leave, knowing you did that?”

“I won’t do it again. I promise,” Aaron replied, his voice small.

“You can’t promise something like that, Aaron. Not after what you just told me. Look at you, you’re a mess.” Aaron cringed inwardly by Robert’s words. He knew Robert didn’t mean anything by it, just wanted to protect him, to keep him safe. Still they stung, although he knew they were true.

“I mean it, Robert. I need to be on my own. I can’t be here, knowing he is here as well.”

Robert sank down on the bed, burying his head in his hands and sighing deeply. Aaron knew this was just as hard on Robert as it was for him, but he really needed this. He needed to create a physical distance, between every single person he cared for.

“Please understand,” Aaron begged, his voice filled with emotions.

Robert moved a hand through his hair, before he looked up at him, his worried gaze piercing into Aaron’s. His voice was hoarse when he spoke: “I can’t stop you. If you want to leave, there is no way I can stop you from going.”

Aaron didn’t reply, there was no need. He knew Robert knew he was right.

Robert sighed, before he stood up and stepped closer, his hands coming up and cupping Aaron’s face, gazing into his eyes with a desperate, but urging look. “Just promise me you’ll be safe. I can’t lose you. Apparently I already came way too close to that.”

“I will be,” Aaron took a deep breath, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I-,” Aaron’s voice wavered, couldn’t get the words over his lips.

Robert took in a deep breath, before he moved and pressed a soft kiss on Aaron’s forehead. “I know. Me too. So go,” he whispered softly. Robert pulled back so he could look at him again. “Okay? You’ll go.”

Aaron took a shaky deep breath, before he nodded and grabbed his bag from the bed. He turned around to look at Robert when he had reached the door. Robert nodded his head and Aaron nodded back, before he turned around and left the room, closing the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3


	16. Just holding on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the slow update. I really struggled to get this chapter just right. But I am so happy with this chapter. I hope you will enjoy!

Robert woke up in a jolt, sitting straight up in bed, his half naked body covered in sweat. He blinked his eyes and took a breath to calm his fast-beating heart. He tried to tell himself it had just been a nightmare, nothing more, still his head had a hard time coming back to reality. He moved his legs out of the bed, sitting on the edge and buried his head into his hands. He just tried to get his breathing under control. Still he couldn’t get those images of Aaron’s lifeless body out of his head nor could he get rid of the feelings inside of his chest, which were trying to suffocate him. His skin felt cold and clammy. He knew he wouldn’t be able to forget that nightmare for the rest of the day and he would come back to it the upcoming night, as it had been the case for the last five days. Five nights without Aaron, five nights filled with nightmares. They were different every single time, but they always came down to the same thing. Him losing Aaron. 

The fear of losing Aaron, coming so close to losing him, not knowing how he was doing, was all too real throughout the day. He knew why Aaron had to leave, he understood his reasons. It didn’t make it any easier though, or made him worry any less. 

He didn’t know what he had to do with the knowledge what had happened in Aaron’s past, where Aaron had been through, where he was still going through. It was so messed up, Robert couldn’t even get his head around it. It didn’t make him see Aaron differently though. Or maybe it did. Robert was blown away with how strong Aaron must’ve been to come back from something like that, still being able to love so deeply, to trust people without any doubt or defense whatsoever. To not be anxious towards people, or distrustful. Robert knew it had messed Aaron up, deep down there was something broken, something his own father had taken away from him. His innocence, this feeling of being safe. Aaron had had to grow up and fend for himself when he had just been a little kid and even thinking about it broke Robert’s heart. 

The worst part was that Gordon was still in the village. He just simply stayed while Aaron felt like running. And it just made Robert’s hate for the man grow larger by the day. Even though he had never spoken one word to that man since he had come back to the village and rocked Aaron’s world, he felt a resentment and a repulse for that man, he had never felt for anyone before. And he had to watch while the Dingles took him in, treated him as one of their own, while Aaron was gone and had been thrown out by his family. It felt like Gordon got everything what should have been Aaron’s and it made Robert sick to the stomach. He knew the whole situation he had found himself in was messed up and he couldn’t do anything about it. He felt powerless to make a difference.

He got up and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep after waking up like that. He knew it was early, maybe around five. He was surprised he had slept this long. Ever since Aaron had left, he had had sleepless nights, until he eventually fell asleep from exhaustion and was awakened by nightmares. His mind seemed to be unable to stop spinning and mull over things. He knew it was partially because Aaron hadn’t been in contact with him. He hadn’t received a phone call or a text. He didn’t really understand why and it made this anxious feeling that something might’ve happened, inevitably worse. 

It made him nervous and on edge all day and he had received more hateful and hurtful looks the last few days than he had had in a lifetime. Not that it was really his fault, people were just incapable of doing their job right and it annoyed him immensely. 

He walked back into the room after he had showered and put some clothes on, before making his way to the door. He wished he could stay in forever. But these four walls had started to suffocate him, so he needed to get out, even if it was just for a little while. He needed air to breathe. 

xXx

He was just walking around the village. He tried to stay away from the main street and tried to keep to himself as he wandered off to the edge of the village. It may sound stupid but he liked walking nowadays, it kept his mind from wandering as he had to think about where he would go, the fresh air did him some good as well and he liked the wind blowing through his hair as he looked out over the green landscape. He had never thought he would be able to see Emmerdale as his home again. But he did. Even though he was at odds with his family and he was still staying at the B&B, deep down inside he wished he could just stay here. Not just because of Aaron, but because this felt like home to him now. It might not have been the case when he had returned, but now he couldn’t imagine leaving this place behind again. 

Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him and when he looked over his shoulder, he noticed his sister coming his way. He cringed inwardly. He had tried to avoid her and any other member of his family ever since Andy had told him he was no longer part of the family. He didn’t feel like there was anything left to say after that. He knew Victoria had tried to call him several times, but he just didn’t really feel like talking. To anyone for that matter. “Rob! Rob, wait! Please! I just want to talk to you,” he heard Victoria calling from behind him.

Robert pretended like he didn’t hear his sister crying out his name and just kept on walking. But he knew she would catch up with him as he heard her running footsteps behind him. A moment later he was grabbed by the elbow and he turned around, sighing out loud, knowing he had no other choice but to talk to his sister. 

She tried to give him an angry glare while she caught her breath, which just caused her angry glare to fail miserably. 

“Where have you been hiding?” she asked, when she had her breathing under control again, still looking at him with an accusing look in her eyes.

“Nowhere,” Robert just answered vaguely. He knew he was being annoying, but he felt like what he was doing with his life, was none of his sister’s business. 

“Look, I know Andy shouldn’t have done what he did, but he is really sorry. And I did warn ya,” she pointed out, her dark, soft eyes focused on him, a frown on her forehead and her hands on her hips. 

Robert just shook his head, while he buried his hands in his pockets. “Sorry is not good enough. It is my life, Vic. After everything, after being there for him, this is how he repays me. I will not let this go. I can’t.”

“Rob, I don’t think Andy has to repay you for being there for him. He is family.” Victoria just kept on looking at him with a stern look in her eyes and Robert knew she wouldn’t let this go until she got a satisfying answer out of him. But right now, he was done caring. He had had enough of Diane and Victoria picking Andy’s side, he had enough of Andy getting away with everything. He had enough on his mind with Aaron being gone and Gordon still being here. He couldn’t deal with this. 

“No. He is not,” Robert answered with fire in his voice as his eyes hardened. “He never was and he never will be. Now leave me alone.” 

Robert saw the emotions well up in his sister’s eyes and he knew he had hurt her feelings. “You don’t mean that,” Victoria replied, her voice small, her eyes shining sadly. “He loves you. We all do.”

Robert felt terrible for upsetting his sister, he hated himself for it. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her, but he was done trying to pretend he wasn’t hurt by them. He was done pretending like nothing got to him. He didn’t want to feel neglected and outsided anymore. This time he had had enough. “This whole family has been disapproving of me and my choices all my life. You can’t really expect me to just forget this ever happened and move on from this.”

“He is going through a terrible time. He needs you. He needs all of us,” Victoria said, her eyes still focused on his face, where the hurt and the grief were still visible. “Please, Rob,” she begged. “Don’t make me choose.”

“I never asked you to. You did it yourself,” Robert’s voice suddenly turned weary. He was done defending himself and his choices, apparently they would never accept him for who he was. And it hurt, it hurt so much. The thing he had been afraid of his whole life, was happening right now. Losing his family, because of who he was. While Andy got protected like he was the saintest man on the planet. Life just wasn’t fair and it always seemed to make him look like the bad guy. Well he was done trying to defend himself. He didn’t want to do that anymore. 

“You always see him as the good man, the golden boy,” Robert hissed, his voice low and dangerous. He couldn’t even really explain where his anger was coming from, but it was there, deep inside of him, burning a way to the outside. “Well maybe you should consider this; did it ever cross your mind he did do it? Did it ever cross your mind that he might’ve raped Debbie?”

He knew he had shocked Victoria. She gaped at him, looking totally taken aback by his words. Tears started to well up in her eyes and her voice sounded hurt when she whispered. “How can you say something like that?”

“Open your eyes Vic,” Robert just continued. “He shot dad, killed mum, beat his girlfriend. So who says he couldn’t do something like this.”

Victoria just shook her head and took a step backwards. “I don’t know who you are,” she mumbled softly, looking highly upset now. “What happened to you?”

“Nothing,” Robert just spat out. “I just don’t want to have anything to do with him.”

Victoria set her jaw and looked at him sharply, which made her so much of a Sugden, he almost felt bad for lashing out like that. “Tell me what’s so bad that makes you so resentful,” she asked, her voice having a hard edge to it now. 

Robert just shook his head. Her words hit him right where it hurt and he looked down at the ground, ignoring his sister’s stare. “I can’t.”

“Of course you can. Please, Rob.” She took a step closer towards him, the pleading look back in her eyes. 

Robert just shook his head again and turned around, not able to look at her. “I can’t.” He moved and started to walk away. He didn’t know what to say anymore. He had just told her why. He just told her why he resented his brother so much. But she didn’t seem to understand. She didn’t seem to get that what he had just told her was what had been bothering him from the moment Andy came into their lives. He somehow had known this would be the way they would all react, they were blind to it, maybe didn’t even want to hear it. His sister had judged him the moment he had opened his mouth about Andy being the golden boy of the family. Apparently they couldn’t see it that way. There was no point in trying to explain it any further. It would only end in him getting hurt even more. 

“Robert,” Victoria cried out behind him and Robert sighed and turned around to look at his sister. 

His eyes locked with his sister’s and he said: “You support him, okay. He’s gonna need you when the trial starts again.” After his words, he turned around again and walked away from his sister, hearing her voice calling his name behind him. 

“Robert! Rob, please wait!” But Robert couldn’t turn around again. He wasn’t strong enough to look at his sister again. He needed to walk away. He had to. It was the only way for him to keep going.

xXx

Robert left the café after getting his usual Americano, he always got in the mornings. In the past few days he had round up his own routine. Waking up, showering, walking around the village, getting himself a coffee, getting himself some lunch in the B&B and returning to his room. There was really nothing else for him to do. Which sounded pathetic really, but it was the truth nevertheless. But as it turned out, this morning was becoming less common as he had become accustomed to. First Victoria had hold him back from his usual routine and as he left the café he was held up by another voice. “Rob. Wait up.”

Robert sighed in annoyance, recognizing that voice at once, as he turned around to look at his brother. “What is it; annoy Robert day?” he snapped as his eyes landed on Andy.

“I just wanna talk to you,” Andy said, his voice sincere, maybe even a bit pleading, but Robert couldn’t pretend anymore. 

“Well, I don’t want to talk to you, so bad luck,” he shot back, as he continued walking. 

But apparently his family was being persistent today because Andy cut him off and came to stand still in front of him, which made Robert’s irritation level run high. “Look Rob. I’m sorry. I know I messed up by spilling the beans about you and Aaron. I was out of order.”

“Yeah, you were,” Robert replied, lacking any kind of emotion in his voice. He frankly didn’t care about anything his brother had to say. Robert just stared at his brother, raising one eyebrow, before his face became one blank expression. 

“That’s all? That’s all you got to say to me?” Andy asked after a moment of silence, his voice sounding a bit upset now and somehow that tone in his brother’s voice just rubbed Robert the wrong way. 

“What else do you want me to say?” he suddenly snapped, his eyes burning coldly. “You told me to leave. You told me that I was no longer part of the family. You told the whole pub about Aaron and me. You caused Aaron to lose his whole family. And you think one apology is going to cut it?” Robert suddenly had the tendency to laugh, this hysterical laugh which was trying to find a way out. He knew it was becoming a bit too much. Aaron, his dad returning. Andy, Diane, Victoria. Debbie, the whole trial. He couldn’t believe how much of a mess everything had become. And he wanted to laugh it off, wanted to cry, to yell. Tell people they could all stick it and drive away, to never return again. 

“I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” Andy said softly and his voice sounded apologetic.

Robert set his jaw after Andy’s words, his insides turning into ice after Andy’s words. It always came down to this, Andy thinking he was not to blame for anything or at least didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Always thinking that another apology was going to work. But not this time, not after what he had done to Aaron. “Yeah? Well turns out you did,” Robert hissed slowly and softly, a dark edge to his voice. 

“I just… I was in a very bad place when I said that. And I’m sorry,” Andy mumbled, but Robert’s expression didn’t change. He wasn’t going to give in. At the end of the day Andy’s words didn’t mean anything. If something like this happened again, he knew Andy would react the same way, would do the same thing and his family would support Andy, because that is what they did. It had always been this endless circle. But he was stepping out of it now. He was done. 

Robert didn’t answer as he stared at his brother, who looked back at him with a desperate and hurtful look in his eyes. Moments later Andy’s face fell and he mumbled softly: “I won’t bother you again.”

As Andy turned away from him, Robert’s face fell. Even after all his thoughts, all his words, all his defenses and barriers, he couldn’t turn his feelings off, he couldn’t pretend like this didn’t hurt him, like it didn’t matter at all. Because it did. His family meant so much to him, so much more than they would ever know. And if they wanted for him to be the bad guy, then so be it. That way he could protect himself from anymore hurt, and make sure his family would support each other through this awful mess. 

He wouldn’t let them show this broke him inside, he wouldn’t let them know how much this cost him. 

Cause in the end, he had his own life to live. With or without his family. 

xXx

Robert continued to walk towards the B&B, his mind running in circles again as he tried to understand what had just happened. He tried to tell his mind to shut up, but knew it wasn’t going to help. He was about to enter the B&B when he was stopped by a voice, for the third time that morning. “Sugden.”

Robert set his jaw. Jesus Christ. Couldn’t people just leave him alone. “What!”

He turned around just to see Cain standing there with a dark expression on his face. If he had known it had been Cain who had said his name, he wouldn’t have lashed out like that, but he figured it was a little too late for that now. Cain’s eyes darkened even more after Robert’s outburst. “Where’s Aaron?” Cain asked, without any emotion in his voice. 

“I have no idea,” Robert drawled out. He really couldn’t use this. He really didn’t feel like having a chat with Cain. He had had enough confrontations in one day to last a whole year. 

“Don’t play games with me, Sugden. You really don’t want to,” Cain warned, his voice turning darker.

“What? Your conscience playing up on how you treated him?” Robert replied snarky. He didn’t feel obligated in the slightest to tell Aaron’s uncle anything. He and the whole Dingle family could fall dead for all he cared. “Too bad for you. He left.”

“Where,” Cain demanded.

Robert shrugged his shoulders as if he couldn’t care less, ignoring the worry and concern for Aaron’s well-being gripping at his insides. “Beats me. Turns out he doesn’t want to be anywhere near you lot. Can’t really blame him after the way you threw him out of his house.”

Before Robert even knew what was happening, he ended up against the outer wall of the B&B. The impact of his back hitting the wall, left him breathless for a moment, as the air was knocked out of his lungs. “You know nothing about my family,” Cain rasped, inches from his face.

“I know enough,” Robert shot back, as he looked Cain in the eye as Cain gave him a withering look. Cain’s hands were wrapped in his shirt and if Robert hadn’t been so angry, worried, tired and fed up with people in general he would’ve been slightly intimidated. “I know how you left him out in the cold. I know you hit him. I know his mother cast him aside. All because he fell in love.”

Something crossed Cain’s face and Robert knew he hit a nerve as Cain pushed himself away from him, turned around for a moment, before he looked back at him and said, his voice low: “He betrayed us!”

Robert stepped away from the wall, as he replied: “Yeah? In what way? Because the only person I know who has been betrayed is Aaron. You have no idea what you’ve done to him. What you are all still doing to him.”

Cain narrowed his eyes and said: “Your brother raped my daughter. And he forgot about that. He lost our loyalty when he slept with you.”

“You know what?” Robert shot back: “I am glad you pushed him out. He is better off without you and that fucked up family of yours.”

“You think you know anything about him?” Cain asked as he stepped closer towards Robert, invading his personal space. “You think you know what’s happened to him, hmmm? What he’s been through?”

Robert smirked, but not from joy. His smile was filled with venom, sadness and disgust. “He told me everything. I know more than you ever will.”

Cain’s eyes narrowed again, but this time he looked a bit taken aback, like he wasn’t really sure what he had to think of Robert’s words. But in the end it looked like he didn’t really give a damn at what Robert had to say, as a dark scowl appeared on his face again and he said, warningly: “I don’t want you anywhere near him.”

“That’s a shame,” Robert replied, snarling lightly. “Should’ve thought about that before you threw him out.” He stepped away from Cain and added: “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have places to go.” And with that he turned around and walked away. He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, but it felt like he had just gotten himself a small victory and since his day hadn’t started off so well, he felt like he was allowed to enjoy it while it lasted.

xXx

As the daylight dwindled the tension in Robert grew. Robert knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, until he would doze off from exhaustion. Every day his worry for Aaron grew, every day Aaron didn’t return and every day, Robert’s heart broke a little more because of it. He wanted to protect Aaron, be there for him. But a part of him was scared as well. He couldn’t do anything with him not right there, but even if Aaron would be there, Robert wasn’t even sure if he would be able to be there for Aaron the way Aaron needed him to be there for him. He was scared he would never be enough. 

Robert sat down on the bed and put on the TV. But his eyes kept darting to the telephone that refused to ring. He turned the TV off moments later, stared into nothing, before he turned it back on again. He just stared at the TV after that, not really knowing what he was watching, until he closed his eyes against the quiet zooming in his head. 

He was awakened by voices coming from down the stairs and he sat up straight. He realized he had fallen asleep. His eyes flew to his watch and he noticed it was just against one in the morning. He wondered who had been talking downstairs this early in the morning and cursed them silently for waking him up like that. He craned his neck, it felt stiff, he must’ve fallen asleep in a weird position. 

He got up, knowing he wasn’t able to get anymore sleep. He moved through the room, trying to find something else to wear as he had fallen asleep in his clothes. But he was stopped when he heard the door to his room open. He looked up and the world seemed to freeze when he realized who was standing there. 

Robert could only just stare at him, as if his brain wasn’t able to process Aaron’s sudden presence. Aaron closed the door behind him, before he looked up. Their eyes locked and Robert’s heart halted for a moment as Aaron’s tired but soft eyes landed on him. 

No words were needed as Robert just moved and pulled Aaron into him, Aaron letting his bag fall to the ground as Robert wrapped his arms around the younger man’s body. He could feel the world around him melting away as Aaron hugged him back, his hands tangling tightly in the fabric of Robert’s shirt. Robert took in Aaron’s scent, buried his face into the crook of Aaron’s neck and just sighed. He just breathed as his body melted against Aaron, Aaron’s warmth seeping into his skin, making his heart raise. In this moment Robert fully realized how much he had missed him. How worried he had been about him. It had been terrifying not knowing how he was doing, if he was still alive, still okay. He couldn’t really describe how relieved he felt, having Aaron back, holding him in his arms again. He didn’t even know if he would be able let him go right this moment.

But Aaron made the decision for him. “Robert, I need to breathe,” Aaron muttered softly near Robert’s ear and Robert pulled back by the soft notion in Aaron’s voice.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” Robert stepped back, feeling slightly embarrassed, knowing he was blushing lightly, but it seemed like Aaron hadn’t really minded as he was smiling lightly. 

The realization Aaron was smiling, made Robert’s heart jump up and he could do nothing more but stare at Aaron for a few moments. When Aaron’s cheeks turned slightly red, Robert realized he was staring without saying a word, but now it came down to it, Robert didn’t really know what to say.

“Hi,” Robert eventually muttered, the word coming out a little breathier than he had intended. 

Aaron just looked at him, his eyes shining with emotions and relieve washed over Robert like a wave. 

“Hi,” Aaron replied in the same quiet voice. 

Robert had no idea what else he had to say. He didn’t know if it was from shock or relieve, but all he seemed able to do was stare at Aaron. And Aaron just looked back at him with his blue eyes, which were just like he remembered, blue like the ocean, churning and shimmering with emotions and he nearly lost himself in them. Suffering, loneliness, longing, relieve, anger sadness; his eyes held all those deep seated emotions and so many more, it truly took Robert’s breath away.

Eventually Aaron looked down, their eye contact broken and Robert felt like he could breathe again. Robert tried to find his voice, but even when he did, he found he was at a loss for words. He had thought so many times about what he would say when Aaron would return, had thought everything through in detail. But now he had to say something, he wasn’t able to and in that moment he suddenly understood how much Aaron had started to mean to him, how he had missed him. How much he loved him. 

Robert cleared his throat, saying the first thing that came to mind. “I hadn’t thought you would be back so soon. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad you are, I just hadn’t expected it.”

Aaron huffed out a soft laugh and Robert noticed some of the tension leaving Aaron’s shoulders and he realized Aaron had dreaded to come back to him, not really sure how Robert would react after he had told Robert about his dad and what his own father had done to him. “Yeah, well, turns out I am not coping as well on my own as I thought I would,” Aaron replied his voice a bit rough and Robert heard the honest hurt in Aaron’s voice.

“Did ya…” Robert couldn’t even get the words over his lips. Still he needed to know, needed to know how close Aaron had gotten to hurt himself again. 

When Aaron shook his head, relieve ran through Robert and he breathed out the air he had been holding. “No. But I did have my moments it all got a bit too much,” Aaron confessed quietly, before he looked up at him again. “It was a good thing I went away for a bit though, feel a bit more like myself again.”

Robert just looked at Aaron for a moment. Although Aaron’s words had slightly worried him, he also knew Aaron’s last words were true. He looked a bit calmer than before and even though he still looked like someone who had the whole world on their shoulders, he also looked like he was able to bear it a bit better, as terrible as that might sound. Robert just smiled softly at Aaron and asked: “Why did you come back?”

“Missed your snarky comments, didn’t I?” Aaron replied, his voice a bit teasing, turning up a corner of his mouth.

Robert couldn’t help but chuckle at Aaron’s voice and he replied smugly: “Really?”

Aaron just smiled again, which made him look younger and a bit freer and Robert’s heart fluttered at the sight. He suddenly realized this was still Aaron, his Aaron. The person who he had fallen in love with. Aaron was still there; he wouldn’t change just because he had told him this huge secret from his past. And Robert realized Aaron didn’t want him to treat him any differently. And Robert realized that he was, he was thinking too much, overthinking everything he had said and he had to stop, or he would do the exact thing Aaron had been so afraid of from the moment he had told him of his sexual abusive past; people treating him differently.

The tension that had kept him up for all those nights melted into nothing. Aaron had come back to him, had showed the courage to come back and face him. Robert had never been more grateful for anything else in his life.

“So how are you?” Aaron asked quietly, burying his hands in the sleeves of his hoody. 

“Good. I’m…good,” Robert replied, without thinking about it.

A frown appeared on Aaron forehead and he looked like he didn’t believe him. “You don’t look so good. Look even worse than me,” Aaron said, his voice filled with mild amusement. 

Robert snorted, trying to act like he thought Aaron was joking. But he knew Aaron was right, he looked terrible. Aaron’s eyes were suddenly filled with worry and Robert knew Aaron had read something in his face. “Did you talk to Vic or Diane?” Aaron asked in concern. 

Robert sat down on the bed and sighed, knowing he couldn’t lie to Aaron and frankly he was quite relieved he could finally talk about it with someone. Even though he still felt like they should be talking about Aaron not about his own problems, he couldn’t stop himself from speaking: “Talked to Vic this morning. Well it wasn’t really talking, more shouting, to be honest.”

Aaron sat down next to him and Robert looked down at his hands as he could feel Aaron’s eyes on him. Robert sighed deeply, before he continued: “It’s not even like I don’t understand it. I knew they would judge me. But me and you got nothing to do with the trial or Andy, or Debbie for that matter. It just happened. It just feels like they’re thinking I did this on purpose.”

Robert looked up at Aaron and Aaron was looking back at him with an understanding and sympathetic look in his eyes. Robert couldn’t describe how good it felt not to be judged by him. Aaron never judged him, not when it came down to this. So it didn’t really surprise him when he just kept on talking. “I just wished they had tried to listen to me, but no. Andy goes ballistic because of you and me, makes me the bad guy in all of this again. And of course they both side with him. Like it’s always been.” 

“Did you talk to Andy?” Aaron just asked.

“Yeah. I did. Wanted to apologize for blabbing about us in the pub. But I just can’t…I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be that guy again, who is always pushed out, never good enough in their eyes, always screwing up. I just can’t. I’ll never win.”

Robert just sighed, while looking down at his hands. He felt terrible for saying it out loud, but somehow it helped as well. To tell Aaron about it, made it all a bit more bearable. 

“They are still your family though,” Aaron commented calmly, his voice filled with understanding, which made Robert’s heart contract painfully. Only Aaron would be able to understand where he was going through. 

“I know,” Robert just replied, his voice worn out, sad. He felt a soft movement beside him and Aaron sat closer. Aaron reached out a hand and grabbed Robert’s hand, which was resting on his knee, in silent support. Robert tangled his fingers with Aaron’s and felt like he could breathe again. 

“I am sorry I dragged you into all of this,” Robert eventually mumbled apologetic. “And I am sorry for not stopping Andy spilling the beans about us.”

Aaron smiled sadly, before he answered: “It’s not your fault. We both knew it would come out sooner or later. Could’ve done without the whole being thrown out of the house thing though,” Aaron ended on a lighter note.

Robert chuckled softly. “Yeah well, I’m sor-”

Aaron just sighed: “I know. It doesn’t matter now anyway. Got other things on my mind, don’t I.”

“He’s still here,” Robert said carefully, knowing the news would upset Aaron. 

Aaron’s body tensed up after Robert’s words. He swallowed loudly and cleared his throat before he spoke: “I know. I saw him talking to my mom when I got out of the cab. Guess going away didn’t really get the result I wanted; him gone when I returned.”

Robert frowned his forehead. He wondered why Gordon and Chas had been out on the streets this late at night, but he didn’t say anything about it, knowing Aaron wouldn’t want to talk about him and frankly neither did Robert. So instead Robert asked: “So what did you do when you went away. Where did you go?”

Aaron just shrugged, like his answer didn’t really matter, but he did pull his hand from Robert’s grasp, which told Robert Aaron didn’t want to talk about any of it. “Just places, you know, here and there.”

“What did you do? Did you see anyone, did you talk to anyone?” Robert asked, not really knowing what was going on inside Aaron’s mind and not really sure how to handle the situation. He knew he had said the wrong thing when Aaron stood up from the bed at once and walked away from him, before he turned around, a dark scowl on his face.

“And how exactly had you pictured that? That I just went up to a complete stranger and told them my dad raped me?” Aaron shot out. 

Robert took in a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He knew Aaron was just lashing out. “That was not what I meant. But you can’t just burry your head in the sand and pretend nothing happened. I know I can’t.”

“What else do you want to do then? Hmm?” Aaron just raged on, his voice harsh: “You wanna talk about it? Is that what you want? Okay then, talk.”

“Aaron-” Robert started, standing up from the bed as well. This was definitely not what he had wanted to establish with his words.

“No?” Aaron just continued, apparently to upset to listen to Robert. “Alright then. I’m going.” Aaron started to make his way to the door.

“Aaron.” Robert grabbed Aaron’s arm and turned him around ad looked into Aaron’s eyes. “You know this doesn’t change anything between us, right? This doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Aaron gulped as he looked up at him, Robert could read the hurt and the insecurity in his eyes. In that moment he knew he had guessed right where this was really about. “Doesn’t it? Because it feels that way,” Aaron replied hoarsely, his voice soft.

Robert didn’t step back, but stayed where he was, he needed for Aaron to hear what he had to say. “You are the strongest, bravest person I know. And I still feel the same, probably always will.” Aaron looked up at him as if he had a hard time believing Robert’s words. But Robert had never been this sincere in his life. He wouldn’t be able to give Aaron up, wouldn’t even know how to. “I mean it Aaron.” 

Aaron kept on staring at him, as if he knew there was something else and Robert just sighed. He knew he owed it to Aaron to be honest. It was just hard to find the right words. “It’s just…a lot to take in and I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for everything you went through. But you will not lose me because you told this to me, Aaron. I just want to keep you safe. I want you to let me in. Just don’t shut me out, okay? I need to know what is going on in your mind.”

Robert saw the hidden emotions in Aaron’s eyes and Aaron swallowed loudly before he was able to speak. “I never…talked about it. No one knows. I always felt so ashamed. I don’t want people to treat me differently. I don’t want you to pity me.”

“And I don’t. I just want to be there for you now, as I know no one was there for you when you most needed it.” 

A lost tear ran down Aaron’s face, before he whispered: “I just wish I could pretend he never hurt me. But I guess it just doesn’t work that way. Every time I feel like I moved on with my life, bad things happen. It feels like I can never be just happy.”

Robert’s heart cringed by the despair in Aaron’s voice. “You deserve to be happy Aaron, more than anyone. And I will be here, whenever you need to talk or don’t want to talk at all. I am here. Always.”

xXx

Aaron entered David’s shop and walked straight to the beers. After he had returned home last night, had talked to Robert and had eventually fallen asleep next to him, he and Robert had had breakfast in the B&B. The rest of the day they had spent in their room talking or enjoying the silence, watching TV and playing silly games. Eventually Aaron had gone mildly insane from sitting inside all the time and Robert had proposed for him to go to the shops. That was the moment Aaron had started to feel uncomfortable as he had found out yesterday, Gordon was still in the village, as he had seen him talking to his mom late last night. The last thing Aaron wanted was to walk into him. He wasn’t ready to face that man yet, probably never would be. But Robert had convinced him to go, so here he was. Aaron grabbed a sixpack from the shelf and wandered to the crisps. 

He had told Robert the truth last night. It had been difficult being away, especially because he had had no one to fall back on. But the physical distance, not only from his dad, but also from his whole family had done him some good too. He had been able to breath. He wasn’t glad to be back, but he had figured out that running away from his problems wasn’t going to solve anything either. So here he was, trying to find a way to make amends or at least hoping to get to talk to his mother again, now that everyone had had some time to think. He wasn’t willing to lose his family over this. He wouldn’t let that happen.

Aaron grabbed a bag of crisps from the shelf and made his way to the registry when he heard two familiar voices coming his way. He looked up and saw Victoria and Diane entering David’s shop. 

“But he didn’t want to listen to you?” Diane asked.

Victoria shook her head. “No, it seems like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us.”

Aaron knew in an instant who they were talking about and he shook his head in annoyance. He was baffled how little they seemed to understand Robert. Aaron had witnessed with his own eyes how heartbroken Robert had been, because his family seemed unable to understand him, unwilling to see his point of view. 

“He even said Andy wasn’t his family anymore,” Victoria continued. “I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is that Andy needs us now, more than ever.”

“Yes, pet, he does,” Diane said. “Robert always did what suited him best. We all know that.”

Aaron could only stare at them, a feeling, close to resentment, settling in his stomach. Diane suddenly looked up and their eyes met for a moment, before she said to Victoria: “Let’s discuss this when we get back home.”

“Why? Afraid I would tell Robert what you both think about him?” Aaron couldn’t help but say. Victoria looked up in shock and her eyes widened, before she bit on het lower lip, looking slightly uncomfortable. Even Diane had the decency to look a bit guilty.

Aaron placed the beer and the crisps on the counter, where David was looking quite confused, but curious between the three of them. Aaron ignored him as he walked closer towards them. He didn’t like it one bit how they were talking about Robert. He didn’t deserve it. He knew he wouldn’t be standing here right now if it hadn’t been for Robert, so hearing them talking about him as if he was a selfish man, just struck Aaron the wrong way. 

“You have no idea what it’s like for him,” he hissed at the back of his throat. “You pretend that you care so much. Still you choose him over Robert.” He couldn’t even say the man’s name out loud. He had seen the hurtful look in Robert’s eyes last night, knew how much he was hurting because of this whole situation with his family.

“We didn’t want to choose,” Victoria said quietly. “He left us no choice.

Aaron snorted lightly, not believing a word she said. “You always have a choice. He has always felt second best to Andy and at the moment he needs you the most, you let him fall. That’s not love.” He knew Robert wouldn’t like it if he found out Aaron had said those words, but Aaron felt like he had to defend Robert, no matter what. 

“Andy needs us now,” Diane pointed out, quite firmly.

“And Robert doesn’t?” Aaron shot back, his annoyance turning to anger. “He is just as much part of your family as Andy, maybe even more.”

“He shouldn’t have lied to us about you and him,” Victoria replied, her voice turning slightly more heated, although she didn’t look as convinced of her own words as she normally would’ve.

“And why shouldn’t he? He knew what would happen. And you know what?” Aaron said, his eyes burning darkly as he looked at them. “The sad thing is, you proved him right.”

Victoria and Diane shared a look, one filled with guilt, but Aaron wasn’t done yet, not in a long shot. “Even though Andy is in a bad place and needs your support, doesn’t mean you can just turn your back on the other person who needs your support. It’s selfish and it’s weak.”

“That is enough young man,” Diane said sternly, a high colour on her cheeks. 

“Why?” Aaron huffed. “Because you can’t take the truth? He didn’t do anything wrong. But you treat him like a criminal, while all he did was fall in love. And yes maybe the timing was all fucked up and he fell in love with me, a man and on top of that a Dingle. But just because I am part of the Dingle family and Andy dragged you into this messed up situation with my family, doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It doesn’t turn Robert into one.” 

Victoria looked down at the ground and Diane’s eyes wavered between him and the counter where David was still resting against the counter, listening in and trying to be invisible at the same time. 

Aaron sighed, suddenly feeling bad for his harsh words, especially seeing how much it had affected Victoria. “Just try to be there for both of them, mustn’t be so hard.”

He paid David, picked up his supplies and left the shop, just to be stopped outside by his great-uncle. He sighed silently. The last thing he had wanted was to run into one of his family members, but he had no way of walking passed him without exchanging a word as Zak had already seen him and spoke up: “Hello there, son. It’s good to see you being back again. How are ya?”

Aaron narrowed his eyes. He hated the innocent tone in his uncle’s voice, as if he didn’t know what had happened between him and his mother and Cain. “After my mom and Cain threw me out, you mean?” Aaron replied, annoyed. “Yeah, Peachy.”

A shadow crossed over Zak’s face, before he mumbled: “Oh yes, I heard what happened.” He reached out his arm, which Aaron subconsciously avoided, while Zak continued: “Come on, I’ll get you a pint.”

Aaron just huffed in surprise. He couldn’t believe Zak would invite him to the place he had called his own, the place where his mother was still living and seemingly still acting like nothing had happened. He hadn’t heard from her ever since it happened, not a text or a phone call. Nothing. Like he didn’t matter at all. Like he didn’t exist.

But Zak seemed to read his discomfort, because he said: “Come on. It’s just a pub. I bet your mother isn’t even in now anyway.”

Aaron’s eyes flew from the pub to Zak and back, before he sighed and replied: “Fine.”

xXx

“Here ya go,” Zak said as he put a pint in front of Aaron. Aaron moved uncomfortable in his chair and couldn’t help his eyes from shooting to the entrance to the back room every other second. He started to question why he had even come here. He didn’t want to see his mother, or anyone else of his family, not after what had happened, not after being thrown out by them. 

“So how are ya?” Zak asked, as he sat himself down opposite from Aaron. 

“Fine,” Aaron just replied, before taking a sip from his drink.

“Where are you staying at the moment?” 

“B&B with Robert,” Aaron answered curtly. He didn’t want to get judged, but he wasn’t going to lie either. He was done trying to spare everyone’s feelings, had done that for too long a time. 

“Ah I see,” Zak just said and Aaron was glad he didn’t hear any judgement in his voice. Zak moved a little closer and continued calmly: “You know you can always stay with Lisa and me. Plenty of room.”

Aaron smiled without any real joy and said: “Thanks. I just don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Are you sure that staying with him is?” Zak asked calmly. Aaron knew Zak meant well and that was the only reason he was able to stay calm.

He shrugged his shoulders. “At least he was there when I needed him. He was there when you all hung me out to dry.”

“I get that you are upset-” Zak started, but Aaron interrupted him: “Do you? They treated me like a thug. Cain even decked me.”

“They were upset. And you know what Cain’s like. Always looking out for his family.”

“I thought I was family,” Aaron replied and he couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“Yes you are. And you always will be. But you lied, son,” Zak pointed out. “You lied to every single one of us.”

“All I did was fall for him,” Aaron replied, suddenly feeling worn out. He was done justifying himself to every single person. “And he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hurt Debbie.”

“Does he think Andy hurt her?” Zak asked calmly.

Aaron fell quiet, because he didn’t know the answer to that question, they hadn’t talked about it in a long time. Too much had happened. Zak gave him a sympathetic look and said: “Look, all I know is that you can’t help who you fall in love with. But you can’t just expect your family to be okay with it. Especially Cain.”

Aaron was about to reply when Zak looked up at some new customers coming through the door and Aaron read the worry on his uncle’s face. He was about to look up, a frown on his forehead when he heard an all too familiar voice, which made his blood run cold. 

“Hello son.”

Aaron looked up by the sound of that voice, he felt like his heart was in his throat, feeling like he couldn’t breathe. “Aaron, I didn’t know you were back already,” Chas added, her voice sounded a bit off. He looked between the two off them and noticed a movement near his mom’s right hand. He looked down the moment his mother pulled her hand out off Gordon’s. The time seemed to freeze when the thought about what was happening ran through his mind. When the truth hit him, he got up at once with so much force, his chair clattered to the ground. 

“What’s this?” he asked, his voice unsteady as he had a hard time to keep his emotions under control. It couldn’t be true… this couldn’t be happening. 

“This is not the way we wanted to tell you-” Chas started, her eyes moving from Gordon to Aaron and to the ground. 

“Tell me what?”

He noticed his mother grabbed Gordon’s hand again and Aaron had the feeling like he was going to be sick. “Well, your dad and I-”

“We decided to give things another go,” Gordon jumped in, an unreadable expression on his face. Aaron had the feeling like he couldn’t breathe properly, felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t face this, didn’t want to face this. He needed to get out of here. He needed to breathe. 

He moved, wanting to get passed the man who he had once called his father, but was grabbed by the arm by him. Aaron stumbled back from that grasp the moment he felt it, his body suddenly getting cold all over. 

He had a hard time finding his voice, but when he did, he hissed dangerously: “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me again, or I’ll swear I’ll break your arm.”

“Aaron!” Chas cried out in disbelieve and shock. But Aaron didn’t listen, didn’t want to listen, couldn’t listen as he made his way to the door and disappeared outside. 

xXx

Robert stood up at once the moment Aaron entered and closed the door with a bang. He knew there was something terribly wrong when Aaron threw the crisps and the beers on the bed. 

“Aaron? What’s wrong? What happened?” he asked, worry settling in his chest. He could almost guess what had happened, but he needed to know it from Aaron. “My mom and him…” Aaron’s voice was raw and hoarse, filled with emotions. He had turned himself away from Robert as if he didn’t want Robert to see him like this. “They’re… he’s…she took him back,” Aaron was finally able to say. 

A terrible feeling settled in Robert’s chest, knowing what Aaron tried to tell him. “I know,” he replied wearily and he knew he had said the words out loud when Aaron turned around slowly, his expression became one of disbelieve, followed by hurt and anger. 

“What?” Aaron just breathed out. 

Robert didn’t know what to say, but he knew Aaron was about to take his anger out on him.

“You knew? You knew and you didn’t tell me?!” Aaron yelled, his eyes hurt and filled with anger and Robert cringed inwardly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you,” Robert replied honestly. He had known the same day it became common knowledge in the village. News like that always travelled fast here, Robert knew that like no other. 

“Yes, because that’s so much worse than finding out because he walks into the pub with my mum!” Aaron shot out.

“I’m sorry,” Robert muttered softly. He knew he shouldn’t have kept it from Aaron, but he had had no idea how he should’ve told Aaron without hurting him, without Aaron lashing out at him.

Aaron just stared at him for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face, before he grabbed his overnight bag of off the ground, which he hadn’t even unpacked yet and turned around towards the door. “I’m staying at Paddy’s tonight.”

“Aaron-” Robert started, his chest tightening painfully.

“Don’t,” Aaron turned around and even though his mouth was a thin line, Aaron’s eyes begged Robert to let him walk out of that door. “I can’t deal with this now.”

Robert’s heart seemed to sink inside his chest, but he nodded, not saying a word as he let Aaron walk out of that door again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be gone on a holiday next week, so won't be able to write then. But I will continue with this story as fast as I can! Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment. They make my day, you have no idea :) <333


	17. Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the slow update (it feels like I am repeating myself every new chapter ;)) But I struggled with a writers block, couldn't get one word down on paper. But here it is, finally! Thanks for sticking by me! And thank you so much for all the kudos and lovely comments! They mean the world! <333

Aaron was sitting at the kitchen table, lost in his own thoughts when he heard footsteps and Paddy appeared.

“You’re already awake,” Paddy said as he walked to the counter to pour himself a cup of coffee. 

“Yeah, couldn’t really sleep,” Aaron answered wearily, moody. He still couldn’t get over the fact his mom was back together with his dad. It made him feel sick to the stomach to even think about it. And knowing Robert had known about it, but hadn’t said a word, made it even worse. 

“Thinking about your mom?” Paddy asked softly.

The mention of his mother’s name made Aaron tense up and his stomach turned. But Aaron composed himself, just shrugged his shoulders and didn’t answer. He had told Paddy he had fallen out with Robert, had been vague on the details, but Paddy had guessed it had everything to do with his mom getting together with his dad, even though Aaron hadn’t told him why he was so highly upset about it. It had seemed like everyone had known about his mother’s new relationship and he had been the last one to know his parents were back together.

“It’s bad luck you found out like that. Especially since you don’t like your dad,” Paddy continued. 

“I hate him,” Aaron stated quietly. Paddy paused for a moment, Aaron could feel his eyes on him, but Aaron refused to look up. Paddy presumably decided not to respond, as he made himself a sandwich and sat down at the kitchen table. 

“I am glad you are back,” Paddy stated honestly, calmly. 

Aaron shook his head. “I shouldn’t have come back. Everything is even worse than when I left.”

“What do you mean?” Paddy asked and even though Aaron knew Paddy tried to keep his voice calm and collected, Aaron heard the worrying undertone in his voice.

Tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes, but he swallowed them, trying to keep the tears at bay, knowing he couldn’t tell Paddy the truth. When he spoke, he could hear the hurt in his own voice: “Everything is falling apart. And it’s my own fault.”

“It’s not. I know it has been rough ever since your mom threw you out, but you can’t help who you fall in love with,” Paddy said and Aaron took in a deep breath, knowing Paddy didn’t know what was really upsetting him, what was really going on. Still it was nice to know someone tried to comfort him in all of this. 

“Lost my family didn’t I? Just because I couldn’t keep my hands of off Robert,” Aaron stated sadly, even a bit angry. Angry at himself, angry at the world whom seemed determined to hurt him in every way possible. 

“This started way before you even looked at Robert. What happened between Andy and Debbie caused this and it won’t end, until we figure out what has happened that night.”

“I lost everything, Paddy.”

“That’s not true. You’ve got Robert and Adam. And me, of course. You’ll always have me. So if you ever want to talk, about anything, I’m here.” Aaron looked up at Paddy and read it there, the earnest expression in his eyes, as if he knew there was more to this than Aaron was letting on. Of course Paddy sensed it, it was Paddy. He was one of the few people who knew Aaron through and through, could read him without words.

But Aaron couldn’t say it, couldn’t bring himself to bring it all back up again. Not after he had told Robert. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone else, maybe never would be. “Thanks Paddy.”

“You are very welcome.” Paddy stood up from his place. “And now I think you’ve got some sorting out to do.”

Aaron immediately knew where Paddy was talking about and he shook his head against that thought. “I can’t. Not after yesterday.” He couldn’t face him, not after their argument. He didn’t even know if Robert wanted to have anything to do with him. 

“It’s not his fault, you know,” Paddy stated calmly, honestly. “When you told me last night, you made it sound like he just wanted to stop you from getting hurt. Maybe he found it wasn’t his place to tell ya. Maybe he kept it from you for a reason.”

Aaron looked up at Paddy, who was looking at him with a serious but open expression in his eyes. “Either way, you won’t know, if you don’t ask him about it first.”

xXx

Aaron moved his knee up and down, feeling nervous, anxious even. He didn’t know if his message would be enough, if him pushing Robert away because he had been upset, had cost him their relationship. 

Even though Robert had kept the fact from him that his parents were back together, he knew he was an idiot if he let him go because of it. He couldn’t even tell when his relationship with Robert had become so important to him, more important than any other relationship he had right now. He couldn’t bear he lost that, all just because he had been too upset to even listen to Robert. 

He knew sending him a text had been a sad move, but if Robert didn’t want to have anything to do with him, Aaron couldn’t handle it when he was told to his face. He had had too much pain and heartache already in the last few days, weeks even. He was sure he couldn’t deal with being rejected by Robert like that. This was his safe bet. If Robert didn’t turn up, he knew it was over, and it would break his heart, but at least like that Robert wouldn’t witness him breaking down. He couldn’t bear the thought of Robert seeing him like that after he had broken up with him. 

So he had sent him a text, to meet him at Paddy’s and Aaron had been waiting over an hour now, not moving from his spot at the kitchen table, losing a flicker of hope every minute that passed without Robert showing up. 

But his heart started to beat faster against his chest when he heard a soft knock on the door and sat up a little straighter in his chair, before the door opened and Robert appeared in the doorway, looking very hesitant. “Hiya. Got your text.”

Aaron just nodded, biting his lip. 

Robert stepped inside and closed the door behind him, before he turned around and his eyes found Aaron’s. Aaron noticed he looked like he hadn’t gotten much sleep either. “Look, I’m sorry I lied to you. I know I should’ve told you.”

“So why didn’t ya?” Aaron asked, suddenly feeling weary. Seeing Robert standing there, just made Aaron want to walk over and curl into him, to never let go again. He knew Robert’s hesitance had everything to do with how he had been treating him the last days, when he had left and hadn’t contacted him for days, and how he had walked out on him last night. Aaron shouldn’t be surprised Robert didn’t know where he was standing, still it hurt. 

Robert’s eyes darted to the ground, burying his hands in his pockets. “I just- I want to protect you, Aaron.”

“You should’ve told me,” Aaron pointed out, still feeling slightly disappointed Robert hadn’t, although he could see why he hadn’t now, now he wasn’t so upset about it as he had been the night before. 

“I know. I’m sor-,” Robert started, but Aaron interrupted him, standing up from his chair. “I know. I’m sorry too,” he said sincerely. “For lashing out like that. I know you were just trying to look out for me.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” Robert just said. Their eyes met, saying the words without having to say them. And Aaron knew he didn’t have to tell Robert how he felt, he didn’t have to put it into words, as he knew Robert would understand, as he understood why Robert had kept it from him.

Robert moved slowly, walking over to him, his eyes not wavering from Aaron’s, until he pulled Aaron close into a hug, wrapping his arms around his body. His embrace was warm and comforting. His strong arms made Aaron feel protected. Despite the heaviness in Aaron’s stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against Robert’s, as he wrapped his own arms around Robert’s waist. Aaron sunk into the warmth of Robert’s body, appreciative of the simple gesture. His touch made the room warmer somehow and everything seemed a little less dark. 

xXx

Robert had sat himself next to him at the kitchen table in Paddy’s house. Paddy had left for work, saying his awkward goodbyes when he had seen Robert sitting in his kitchen, which had Robert shaking his head with a smug smile on his face, which had made Aaron roll his eyes, feeling a bit more like himself for a moment. 

After Paddy had left, Aaron told Robert what it had been like when he had been away, how he had struggled, not only from the nightmares which had kept him awake at night, but also by just going by his day, doing the things he had had to do to let another day pass him by. 

“The nightmares weren’t even the worst. Just knowing he could just walk back into my life like that….” Aaron shivered by the thought alone. He had been able to deal with what had happened because he had thought he never had to see his father again. But now he had showed up, it had shaken up his whole world again. His father’s presence had brought back all those memories he had tried to forget.

“You know he can’t hurt you anymore, right. I won’t let him,” Robert said softly, but with a determination Aaron had rarely heard from him before. 

“And what are you gonna do about it? Scare him away?” Aaron asked, sarcastically.

“You have no idea,” Robert mumbled under his breath and Aaron was convinced he wasn’t meant to hear that. So he pretended like he hadn’t heard Robert, although he didn’t know if he should feel grateful for or taken aback by Robert’s words. 

“So…what now?” Robert asked after a moment of silence.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“Are you planning on leaving again?” Robert asked and Aaron looked up by the sadness in Robert’s voice as if Robert had already decided he probably would leave again. 

“I don’t think that would make a difference. Last time I went it didn’t really help,” Aaron replied, smiling lightly to himself when he saw the relieve on Robert’s face, before Robert stood up, picked up the mugs from the table and turned around to pour them both another cup of coffee. 

“Are you sure you will be fine though, with him being here,” Robert asked, his voice filled with concern as he turned around. “He can show up on every street corner, in every public place. Are you sure you will be able to handle that?”

“Will you quit it?” Aaron pleaded, taking the mug from Robert’s hand. He knew Robert was only trying to help, but him picturing Gordon everywhere, wasn’t really helping him at all.

Robert froze for a moment, a frown on his forehead. “What?”

“I know you mean well, but stop treating me like I would break the moment I see him.”

Robert set his own mug down on the table, gave him a long, unreadable look, before he mumbled: “Sorry, I just don’t want you to get upset.”

“Do you see me curled under the table and rocking back and forth?” Aaron answered wearily.

“No, it’s just…” Robert frowned, sitting himself down at the table again. “I don’t really know what to expect. It’s just a bit off a mess, isn’t it?”

Aaron snorted. “You can say that again.”

Robert sighed and his shoulders hunched. He moved his hands around the mug and said: “Wish there was something we could do about it.”

Aaron frowned his forehead. “Like what?”

“I don’t know, something,” Robert answered, looking deep in thought as a frown appeared on his forehead. 

Aaron’s frown turned deeper as he wondered what Robert was thinking about, wondering if he even wanted to know. To pull Robert away from his thoughts, he said: “Adam came round here last night. He’s still refusing to talk to Cain. Told me there had been a huge row again between him, Cain and Moira. He has barely spoken a word to his mom ever since. He feels like she’s choosing Cain’s side and Cain is furious because he thinks Adam’s choosing Andy’s side.”

“And does he?” Robert asked, focused on Aaron again.

“I don’t really know what Adam believes is the truth. Just know he wants to be there for Vic,” Aaron admitted. 

“And your mom?” Robert asked, after a moment of hesitation. 

“No idea what she’s thinking. Probably too busy cozying up to my dad to even care about anything else,” Aaron replied, not able to keep the bitterness out of his voice. He still couldn’t believe his mother had thrown him out of his house and had taken his father back in, as if it was as easy as turning a coin.

“Must’ve been tough, seeing her with your dad,” Robert said, his voice earnest.

“Would’ve been better if you had told me,” Aaron remarked. Robert’s eyes filled with guilt instantly and Aaron sighed. “Don’t worry. I am not having a go. I just never really thought she would ever go there again. Knowing how things ended.”

Robert smirked at that. “Diane once told me your mom always was a bit off when it came to men,” Robert replied, with a teasing undertone in his voice.

“Not funny,” Aaron shot back, shooting Robert a dark glare, knowing Robert was only messing.

“Whatdaya mean? I’m hilarious,” Robert answered, smirking now, his eyes twinkling softly.

Aaron shook his head, but couldn’t hide the smile which broke free on his face. “Did you talk to Diane yet?” he asked, changing the subject. He was done talking about his dad and his mother, he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

Robert tightened his jaw, his eyes becoming unreadable for a moment and Aaron knew he had hit a sour point. “No. And I am not planning on it either. I did hear she had a big row with your mom in the shops just this morning. David was going on about it to that woman, Leyla?” Robert looked confused, as if he was trying to remember her name, but eventually he seemed to think it didn’t really matter and continued: “Either way, I overheard them talking about it. From what I understand they were arguing about the pub and it ended with them calling each other all kind of names.” Robert rolled his eyes after his own words, as if he couldn’t believe Diane and Chas had sunken so low. “Glad I wasn’t there.”

“That’s just great,” Aaron sighed sarcastically.

“Yeah, seems like the mess is only getting bigger and bigger,” Robert replied, sounding weary all of a sudden.

“Maybe if the trial is over, it will all settle down again,” Aaron said, trying to sound hopeful.

But Robert shook his head. “No. Even when the trial ends, no matter if Andy gets sent down or not, these tensions between our families won’t just go away. Not when no one knows for sure what has happened.”

“So what then? We’re just supposed to live with this?” Aaron answered annoyed. He didn’t know if he could live like this, all those tensions between their families, in the village. And then he wasn’t even talking about Gordon. He didn’t know if he could keep this up.

“Or we should think of something which will give us the chance to put this all behind us, for once and for all,” Robert muttered, looking like he was deep in thought again.

“What are you thinking about?” Aaron asked, and Robert eyes flickered to him as if he was pondering if he could and should bring it up or not. Aaron gave Robert a stern look. He needed to know what Robert was thinking, knew Robert had had an idea on his mind.

“We need an explanation of what happened that night. No trial. Just them two. Talking,” Robert replied, his eyes boring into Aaron’s, as if he was trying to read Aaron’s reaction to his words.

“You want them to talk to each other?” Aaron asked, astonished by Robert’s words.

“Yes. When we’re both present, nothing can happen. Don’t you want to know what really happened?” Robert asked, his eyes not wavering from Aaron’s.

“Of course. But I don’t know if this is such a good idea,” Aaron admitted honestly, hesitantly. 

“And court is?” Robert said. “Trials are mind games. It’s just as simple as that. It is a game of power and control. It will always be his word against hers. If we do it this way, we might get some answers and we might be able to leave everything behind us that way.”

Aaron bit on his lower lip as he mulled Robert’s words over in his head. Maybe Robert was right, maybe this was the only way they would be able to find out the real truth. The honest truth. And he trusted Robert, knew that whatever happened, he and Robert would be there if anything would go wrong. 

“There is one thing though,” Robert said, interrupting Aaron’s thoughts.

“And what’s that?” Aaron asked, confused by Robert’s words.

“You,” Robert replied honestly, even a little hesitant. “It won’t be a nice conversation. I don’t want you to feel confronted by what happened to you. I need to know if you’ll be fine.”

“I can take it,” Aaron replied at once, knowing he would be fine, knowing he had to be fine.

“Aaron-”  
.  
“Robert, I’m telling you, I can take it,” Aaron interrupted. If they wanted to get the truth, Aaron knew this was the only way they would be able to find it. And he would make sure Debbie was fine. And if Andy in one way or another would upset her, he would make sure Andy would leave the second after.

Robert just stared at him for a few moments, before he nodded. “Okay. So you agree?”

“Yes. It’s not like it’s worse than going to trial again,” Aaron answered.

xXx

Robert left the B&B in search of Andy. He knew where he probably would be, Victoria’s place. Aaron and he had agreed on talking to Debbie and Andy first, separately, to try and convince them to do this. He knew it was going to be hard to convince his brother to do this, even more so because at the moment he wasn’t really getting along with him. And he knew he had to enter the house and presumably talk to Victoria first, who probably wanted to know what it was he wanted. 

But it looked like luck was with him, as he hadn’t even set course to Victoria’s house when he saw Andy coming his way. Shoulders hunched, eyes pointed towards the ground, Andy looked tired and withdrawn.

“Andy!” Robert called out. Andy looked up, looking highly surprised when he saw who had called his name, before his face turned dejected, burying his hands in the hoodie he was wearing. 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me,” Andy said, his voice low and soft.

“I don’t, but this is important,” Robert stated. Just because he was willing to do this, didn’t mean he had forgotten what Andy had done. But this was more important than this thing with his brother. He needed everything to go back to normal. For Aaron and maybe even a little bit for himself. 

“What is it then?” Andy sighed.

“I need you to talk to Debbie,” Robert said determined, not willing to let Andy go in against him.

Andy looked highly confused when Robert had spoken those words. “What?”

Robert sighed in annoyance. “You heard me,” he said. He really didn’t have time for this, it wasn’t like he was talking gibberish. 

But Andy was only staring at Robert as if he hadn’t heard him at all.

“But the trial starts in two days. And I have been forbidden to talk to her,” he eventually said, a deep frown on his forehead.

Robert rolled his eyes, trying to keep his patience. “So? Don’t you want to tell her your side of the story?”

“I don’t know if it is such a good idea. She wouldn’t even let me in,” Andy answered, sounding highly hesitant.

“Look, I’ll be there-” Robert started, but was interrupted by Andy: “She hates you just as much. That’s not gonna work.”

Robert clenched his jaw, knowing his patience was running thin at the moment, but also knowing that if he would lash out now, his whole plan wouldn’t work. “Will you let me finish? Aaron will be there too.”

Andy’s eyes darkened the moment he spoke Aaron’s name and he replied, a harsh tone to his voice: “So you two can set me up? No, no way.”

“That is no what we are trying to do.” Robert took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “We just want to know what happened. We need to know the truth. We don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Andy didn’t say anything, just stared at him as if he was trying to read him, trying to figure out if Robert was telling the truth or not. “I am on your side here, Andy,” Robert said, and even after everything that had happened between them, he knew he was speaking the truth at this moment. No matter their differences, he had believed Andy from the start and had never stopped believing him. 

Andy still kept staring at him, as if he still didn’t really know what to do, until her nodded slowly and said: “Alright, fine. Let’s go then.”

“Now?” Robert asked confused. This wasn’t really the plan, he didn’t think Aaron had prepared or even convinced Debbie to do this, but Andy kept on staring at him and Robert realized he couldn’t say no right now. “Alright,” he muttered, taking a deep breath as if to brace himself. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for the next chapter? ;p


	18. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who is here with a new chapter! Aren't I quick this time?! ;p So get ready, cause this is going to be emotional!  
> Credits: This chapter is completely based on a scene from Hollyoaks. I would even go as far and admit that this story wouldn't have existed if it wasn't for that scene.  
> Warning! Talk about sexual abuse/ dubious consent.

Aaron was leaning awkwardly against the counter as his cousin made him and herself a cup of tea. He bit on his lip and buried his hands in his pockets to hide how nervous he was. He knew he had to ask her if she was okay with Andy coming around to her place to talk. But he still hadn’t found the right way to bring it up. When she had answered the door, she hadn’t closed it in his face, and he had been relieved she hadn’t. She probably didn’t have that much trouble with him being with Robert and all. She had even asked how he was doing, had made no comment about Cain or Chas, but had asked him where he was living now and if he was doing okay. 

And now she was making him some tea. 

“So to what do I owe this pleasure? You have been avoiding me.” Her voice wasn’t annoyed, more teasing, although he knew her words were true and he swallowed guiltily.

He cleared his throat trying to find the right words to say. “Didn’t mean to. Just had a lot going on, that’s all.”

She smiled lightly at him, as if she knew exactly where he was talking about, which she presumably did. “So I heard.”

Aaron didn’t know what to say and could feel his cheeks burning up. She seemed to notice as she smiled apologetic at him and said: “Don’t worry about it. Everyone seems too busy lately. Except for Chas, Cain and Lisa who keep smothering me.” She probably saw the guilty look in his eyes, as she smiled lightly at him. “It’s fine. You have every right to live your own life.”

Aaron smiled awkwardly at her. He knew he had been too busy with his own life. He hadn’t visited her in a while. He had never stopped thinking about what had happened to her, but there had been so much going on in his life, he just didn’t even think about checking up on her. And now he felt terrible for not doing so. She was his family. He should’ve been there for her. And even though she pretended not to care about it, he knew deep down she did. 

But he also knew he had to tell her about the plan he and Robert had come up with, before he lost the courage all together. He took a deep breath to open his mouth, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Can you get that for me, please?” Debbie asked, without looking up from the tea she was just pouring in. 

“Yeah, sure,” Aaron said, walking to the door and opening it. He froze when he noticed whom were standing there. Andy and Robert. His eyes found Robert’s for a moment and he read the apology there. “Can we come in,” Andy asked, his face unreadable. 

“This is not…” Aaron started, completely taken aback by Andy standing in front of him. “I haven’t even told her yet,” he hissed softly. 

Robert’s expression was filled with a seriousness Aaron didn’t see often. “I already thought so. I couldn’t stop him, he wants to do it now.”

Andy walked inside without another word and Aaron let him without stopping him. “This was not the plan,” he hissed at Robert.

“I know. I’m sorry. But it’s happening now,” Robert answered, before following Andy inside. Aaron sighed annoyed and a bit worried, before he closed the door again.

“Aaron? Who’s-” Debbie froze half-way in the opening to the kitchen, when she noticed who was standing in her living room. Her eyes widened in shock, before her eyes moved to Aaron, who was biting his lip uncomfortably. “What is he doing here? Aaron? What is this?”

Aaron looked down, not able to look Debbie in the eyes, as she demanded an answer from him. The last thing he had wanted was upset her. He started to feel like this had been a very bad idea. He should’ve had the chance to tell her at least. 

“I can’t seem to get away from you, can I?” Debbie shot out at Andy, her eyes filled with emotions.

“I just wanna talk to ya,” Andy answered, looking just as upset as Debbie did. 

“Look, Aaron and I can stay here. We won’t let anything happen to you,” Robert chimed in, and Robert’s words seemed to relax Debbie a bit and Aaron gave himself the chance to breathe in properly. Maybe, just maybe this could work.

Debbie’s eyes drifted off to Aaron, as if she needed to be sure he wouldn’t leave, before she said: “Yeah, okay. Sit down, then.”

Andy looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he wasn’t sure what he should do, but then he sat himself awkwardly in the large chair. A moment later Debbie sat herself down on the couch. Aaron made his way to Robert, who was standing in the middle of the room and hissed softly, so only Robert would hear: “This is all wrong, this.”

“Aaron, we already discussed this. They are only gonna talk,” Robert answered, his voice a low whisper.

“And I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Aaron hissed back at him, already feeling terrible about this whole thing. 

“I think we all need to know what happened, Don’t we?” Robert’s eyes landed on Aaron’s face and Aaron sighed wearily, knowing Robert was right. Then Robert said a bit louder, his voice light: “I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?” and he disappeared into the kitchen. Aaron didn’t even get the chance to tell him Debbie had already been making tea. 

An uncomfortable silence settled between the three of them and Aaron had no idea how to break it. He had no idea how to bring up the subject they all needed to talk about. 

Debbie was only staring at Andy, as if she expected him to say something, but Andy only seemed to shrink under her stare. Eventually he didn’t seem to be able to handle the continuing silence and Debbie’s piercing gaze, as he suddenly said: “Maybe I should just get out of here. I don’t want to upset you all.” Andy stood up from his chair and made his way towards Aaron, who blocked his way to the door and grumbled low in his throat: “I don’t feel upset, mate. Now you came here to talk, so talk.”

Andy turned around by the sound of Debbie’s voice: “You obviously got something to say. So why don’t you just say it and get this over with.”

Andy’s expression changed after Debbie’s words. He looked angry, almost hurt even. “You know, I’m sick of this. Every day I wake up and for a split second I’m happy. And then it hits me, this horrible feeling just stays with me for the rest of the day and nothing I do can shift it. I just wanna sort this out.”

“Well I’m sitting right here. But you can’t even look at me now, can ya?” Debbie replied, her words harsh, her gaze still focused on Andy.

Andy’s eyes wavered to Debbie’s face for a split second and then they moved away again. Eventually he said: “If I could go back in time and change everything that happened that day I would. But we can’t, can we? Because no matter what, we are never gonna agree on what happened that night. You’ve got your version of events and I’ve got mine. So I know we are never gonna find a way out, but why can’t you find a way to put this behind you?”

“Seriously? You just want her to forget about what happened?! You’re crazy, you know that?!” Aaron snapped, his annoyance changing to anger in seconds.

“Aaron, calm down. Let him speak,” Debbie suddenly spoke up, her eyes focused on Andy and Aaron realized Debbie wanted to hear what he had to say, maybe even needed it.

Didn’t mean he agreed though. “Just let him leave, Debs. You don’t need to listen to this,” Aaron replied, trying to keep his voice soft, not willing to upset his cousin even more.

“Yes, I do.” She looked up at Andy, with hurt in her eyes. “What are you even thinking? How do you expect me to react to this? I want to know why you think it would be okay to come to my house, after everything you’ve done and expect me to just move on!”

“What did you expect me to say?” Andy replied, his voice hoarse.

“I wanted you to say you were sorry,” Debbie said, her voice soft, nothing more than a whisper. The room went completely silent for a moment, but her words settled underneath Aaron’s skin. He knew what she meant, he knew why she needed it. He understood her more than he would ever be able to tell her. 

“Is what you did to me not enough?” Debbie continued, her voice stronger now, laced with all kind of emotions. “I just felt like I was finally getting my life back together. And now I have to give it up again.” At that moment, Robert appeared from the kitchen, with three mugs of tea. Debbie took one from him, without even looking at him and Andy just shook his head when Robert wanted to hand one to him. Robert walked over to Aaron, handed Aaron a mug, which Aaron took, placing it on the nearest spot he could find. 

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Debbie continued, her voice suddenly turning soft and Aaron’s heart ached painfully. 

“I’m not the bad guy, Debs, I’m not! You didn’t put up a fight,” Andy replied, and for the first time Aaron realized how much this whole thing had affected Andy. He didn’t sound like his normal self, he sounded like a mad man, somebody who had lost himself. And somehow Aaron couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

“So a woman needs to put up a fight before you back down? What’s wrong with just ‘no’?” Debbie cried out, as she stood up, sliding the mug onto the table, her eyes filled with anger and hurt. 

“You never said ‘no’,” Andy replied, the same expressions visible in his eyes as in Debbie’s.

“Wasn’t it obvious?” Debbie shot back.

“How? Because you didn’t mind kissing me or undressing me. Did you just change your mind at the last minute?” Andy replied and Aaron flinched at his words.

“And the last minute wasn’t enough, was it? Because there’s a time on these sort of things!” Debbie answered, highly upset now.

“That’s not what I meant,” Andy shot back, his eyes filled with pain and desperation.

“Because that’s why it went wrong, isn’t it?” Debbie continued, as if she hadn’t heard Andy.

“Don’t you start putting words in my mouth,” Andy said, sounding like he was losing grip on the conversation.

But Debbie just kept on talking, as if she suddenly couldn’t stop it anymore. “Because how late, is late? Just out of interest. What has a girl got to do for you to back off?” Debbie yelled the last two words and Andy flinched by the heat in her voice.

“You wanted it, just as much as I wanted it,” Andy replied, but his voice sounded weaker than it had done before.

“I didn’t. I didn’t,” Debbie said, as she shook her head, as if she had to shake off the demons in her head.

“I know, Debs. I know,” Aaron replied, his heart in his throat, feeling like he needed to say something to calm her down.

Andy suddenly turned around, as if he suddenly realized he wasn’t alone with Debbie. “You don’t know, because you weren’t there.”

“I’ve seen what she’s been like ever since it happened,” Aaron snapped, defending his cousin.

“You think it’s about one night, don’t you, Andy?” Debbie said and Andy turned around to look back at Debbie. “But do you know how long I’ve been scared of you? I kept thinking it would get better. Everybody just kept saying, just give it time, love. So every night I thought, maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I’ll stop shaking, maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to talk to people, without wanting to scream. It didn’t happen. I have to stay up all night, watching films, just to keep you out of my head.”

Aaron took in a deep breath of air, Debbie’s words affecting him more than he would’ve ever held possible. He knew where she must’ve been through, knew exactly how it felt, to never feel save again. To be scared of a person you ought to love. Suddenly he could feel Robert’s presence standing close behind him. Robert’s warm breath brushed against his skin when he whispered: “You’re okay?”

Aaron nodded softly: “Yeah. I’m fine.”

Robert didn’t say anything back, but a hand came down on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly. Aaron thought Robert would let go after that, but he didn’t remove his hand. It stayed where it was. Robert’s strong presence behind him, made Aaron relax a bit and calmed him down.

At the same time, Andy was staring out of the window as if he was deep in thought. “I’m sorry,” he eventually mumbled.

The whole room suddenly fell quiet, nobody truly believing those words had really just left Andy’s mouth. Debbie’s eyes were big, as in shock and nobody moved, until Andy turned around, his eyes landing on Debbie. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way. But I didn’t hurt you, It’s all in your head.”

The world seemed to come back to life and Aaron would’ve flung himself at Andy, if Robert’s hand on his shoulder hadn’t stopped him. 

“You need to leave. Now,” Debbie hissed, her voice low, filled with hurt and betrayal. “Now!” she yelled when Andy didn’t move. 

Suddenly Robert moved behind Aaron, letting go of his shoulder and he took a few steps towards Andy. “Come on, Andy. We better go,” Robert said.

“Do you believe her?” Andy suddenly asked Robert, his eyes begging, hurt, angry. “Do you believe her, over your own brother? Did your gay lover convince ya something happened, when really nothing did happen?” Aaron’s eyes shot to Robert, and although he couldn’t see his face, he noticed his shoulders were tensed. Aaron knew Andy’s words had hit Robert harder than he was willing to show.

“Because you are wrong,” Andy continued towards Debbie. “You remembered it wrong.”

“How do you know, you haven’t remembered it wrong?”

For the first time that night, Andy suddenly looked hesitant and Aaron realized he was staring at Andy, trying to understand what was happening. “Because I… I wouldn’t do that,” Andy mumbled, moving a hand through his hair, looking pained for a moment. “I just want to go back to normal. I don’t wanna hurt you. I just want to move on. I don’t wanna lose my kids.”

“Just get out, Rob. Now,” Aaron suddenly spoke up. When his eyes had shot to Debbie and he realized how much Andy’s presence and words were hurting her, he realized this had been a mistake. 

“Come on, Andy,” Robert whispered to his brother, before he lay a hand down on his brother’s shoulder and guided him towards the door. When he reached Aaron, he stopped for a moment, his eyes searching Aaron’s. “I’ll see ya later, yeah?” he asked hesitantly, as if he needed to know they were okay, that they were going to be okay. 

Aaron just nodded, knowing he wouldn’t be able to let Robert go, ever. 

But Andy had frozen underneath Robert’s hand and Aaron could feel Andy’s eyes burning holes in his skin. “You can’t see it, can ya?” Andy said to Robert. 

“Andy.”

“Don’t touch me.” Andy exclaimed, shaking Robert’s hand from his shoulder and turning towards him. “Who are ya? Where is my brother? The one who promised me, we could work this out, who told me he believed me? Because I only hear him talking,” Andy’s gaze snapped to Aaron, as a finger was pointed at him. “He got inside your head, messed everything up and you can’t even see it. He got inside your head and now he got rid of everyone who cares about you.”

Aaron knew Andy’s words hit home, when Robert clenched his jaw and his eyes darkened. “So let me ask you something. Are you happy?” Andy asked, his eyes wavering over Robert’s face and Robert dropped his gaze, Aaron’s stomach dropping with it as his emotions suddenly overwhelmed him. He knew it was on him, Robert had lost his family. He knew Robert felt like his choices hadn’t been approved by his family once again.

“You can’t say you are, can you?” Andy continued. “He dragged you into all of this, made you question your own brother. Can’t you see he is coming between you and your family?”

“That’s not true. Robert, you know that’s not true,” Aaron stated, even though he didn’t really believe in his own words. But he needed to say something, worried Robert would believe Andy, that he would lose him. 

“You just want to convince everyone I’m the bad guy in all of this, but it’s not gonna work,” Andy suddenly fired at Aaron and Aaron’s eyes hardened when Andy’s words sank in.

“Alright. You need to leave. Now!” Aaron cried out angrily.

“I won’t. You put all these things in his head. You made him doubt me,” Andy spat out.

“I didn’t have to. You are the one who is feeding him all of these lies,” Aaron shot back, feeling his anger rise within seconds.

“Enough!” Robert suddenly snapped, his eyes landing on Aaron and Aaron realized Robert was angry at him and his chest tightened by that thought. “I can think for myself, thank you very much,” Robert continued, before he focused his attention back to Andy. “Look, Andy. All that stuff she said before, the way she said it, you can’t fake that.”

“I know. But I’m not a bad person, Robert.” Andy’s eyes filled up with tears. “You know, I keep asking myself, what if I did. But then I’d remember, she never said no. She never said no, Rob.”

“So tell me again,” Robert said, his voice soft, calm and Aaron wondered where he got that immense self-control from. 

“I already did,” Andy spoke softly.

“Just tell me again, okay,” Robert replied, his voice sincere, his eyes not wavering from Andy’s face, but something in his voice made Aaron’s heart contract painfully. “This is just you and me.”

“Mate, you’ve got to believe me, she’s lying,” Andy cried out. “Would you rather believe I’d do something like that, than that she really did want to sleep with me?!”

When Robert’s eyes shot to Aaron’s for a split second, Aaron read it there, the turmoil, the pain, the sadness, the guilt and Aaron realized what Robert was about to do. And his heart broke because of it. 

Robert took in a deep breath, before he spoke again, his voice just as soft as before: “I thought of it, yeah. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it.”

Andy seemed shocked for a moment, before his eyes were begging again, as if he needed his brother more than anything at the moment. “It’s not too late, Robert. You don’t owe them anything.”

“Don’t I?” Robert murmured, his voice nothing more than a whisper, as if he was talking to himself.

“Just walk away. While you still can,” Andy begged, a pleading look in his eyes.

“That’s easy, ain’t it. Just forget everything that has happened.” Robert’s eyes shot to Debbie for a moment and although Aaron couldn’t see Robert’s eyes from that angle, he knew why he looked at Debbie. Robert had finally made his mind up, had seen the truth. When Robert turned back towards Andy, Aaron read the deep sorrow and guilt buried in the depths of Robert’s eyes and all Aaron wanted to do was reach out and hold him, but he didn’t, knowing it wasn’t the time. When Robert spoke again, his voice was rough, filled with emotions: “But I can’t. Debbie can’t. You have no idea what she has been like since it happened, have ya? I know I didn’t. Aaron told me, told me she scrubbed every single room in this house a thousand times over, but it still didn’t feel clean.”

“Do you know, how hard that was, to go back in here, to the place I had been raped?” They all turned towards Debbie when she suddenly started speaking. “You’re everywhere, not only in this house, but in here,” Debbie mumbled. She moved one shaky hand towards her head. “Do you know how long it took for me, to let anyone touch me again, let alone, hug me? I had to pick up the pieces every single day. I still have to. The kids had to see me go through hell. I couldn’t be a normal mum for them and that is unbearable.”

Debbie gave Andy one inscrutable look, before she stood up, walked towards them and suddenly pulled Andy upstairs. Aaron and Robert shared a look before they followed them upstairs, not sure what was happening. When they arrived, they noticed Andy staring at the bed, looking shocked, almost scared. Aaron could feel how the whole room seemed to hold his breath. Debbie was staring intently at him when she said, her voice shaking lightly: “Do you remember now? You do remember, don’t you?”

“I was so sure before… We were….,” Andy’s voice trailed off and Aaron had the feeling like he couldn’t breathe, like he was going to be sick. It felt like the whole room was holding it’s breathe. 

“I didn’t…” Andy’s voice seemed to get stuck in his throat as he just stared at the bed. 

Robert moved into the room, his eyes focused on his brother. “You didn’t? You didn’t, what, Andy?” Robert pushed on, his voice wavering lightly, as if he knew what was about to happen.

“I don’t know…It’s just…I never thought…” Andy’s hands were shaking as he moved them to his head and pressed them against his skull. “When…with…” Andy was crying now, tears falling from his eyes, but he didn’t seem to notice, too lost in his own mind, too lost in a terrible memory. Andy’s eyes shot to Debbie for a moment. “You never wanted it, did ya? You stopped kissing me. You…you turned your face away from mine and stopped… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Deafening silence filled the room when Andy’s words sank in and Aaron finally understood what Andy had just said. And suddenly he saw red. 

“Why? Why now? So, suddenly you remember?!” Aaron cried out, trying to get to Andy, but he was stopped in his tracks by Robert’s hands on his chest. “Aaron, Aaron. Look at me.” Aaron looked up at Robert and read all kind of emotions in his eyes and Aaron realized they were both on the brink of tears. “It’s okay. Take care of your cousin.”

Aaron just stared at Robert for a moment, his words needing a moment to sink in, before he turned around and saw Debbie standing there, totally taken aback and Aaron could do nothing more than pull her in. “He said he’s sorry,” Debbie mumbled against Aaron’s chest. “He said, he’s sorry. It’s finally over.”

xXx

Robert heard Aaron and Debbie leaving the room, but all his attention was focused on Andy, who looked dazed, terrified even and Robert’s heart broke by that sight. He crouched down beside his brother, who had fallen next to the bed on his knees, and noticed the tears streaming down his brother’s face. 

“Andy,” Robert said, his voice rough and hoarse as if he hadn’t used it in ages. 

“I did it, Rob. I hurt her,” Andy confessed, his voice cracked.

Robert’s heart contracted painfully. He had no idea what to feel or do, now he finally knew the truth. This whole thing had been his idea, but right now he wished he could go back in time and undo it all. Just for the sake of his brother, for his family. But it was time to face the truth. His brother had hurt Debbie in the most terrible way. And now all he could do was be strong, for everyone else. “I know,” was all he said.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry,” Andy mumbled and Robert’s heart broke by the complete devastation in his brother’s voice.

“I know.” He knew what he had to do now, what his brother had to do now. He knew the truth, he knew it was wrong for him to feel this way, after Andy’s confession. But at this moment all he wanted to do was protect his brother. But he couldn’t, not anymore. There was no way back from this. 

He placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder to get his attention and mumbled: “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the truth is out...


	19. Slipping away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful comments and kudos. And thank you for sticking by me with this story. I know it is a hard story to read. <3
> 
> Warning: This chapter can be quite upsetting for different reasons. Also; indications on self-harming

Robert guided Andy through the village to Victoria’s place. Robert wasn’t sure Andy would’ve made it there without his guidance. Andy’s shoulders were hunched, head bent and he had pulled himself back, inside himself. Robert had tried several times to get Andy to talk, but Andy hadn’t reacted at all. It was as if Andy wasn’t there anymore, as if all there was left was an empty shell. 

The grief and hurt had settled inside Robert’s body and Robert had no idea what he had to do now. He could hardly believe what had just happened. He could hardly comprehend that his brother really had hurt Debbie in the worst way imaginable. He felt sick to the stomach just thinking about it. For his brother to do something like that, and to not even remember it, to do something like that to another person, caused Robert’s blood to turn into ice. His brother, his brother had done that. And even though his stomach twirled by those thoughts alone, a part of him wanted to protect his brother as well. Because he knew what was about to happen. There was no way back from all of it. Aaron wouldn’t let this go. The police would be standing in front of their door, if it wasn’t today, it would be the next day. Despite it all, Robert’s heart cringed by that thought. 

He was about to lose his brother. 

When they entered Victoria’s house, Victoria stood up at once and Diane appeared from the kitchen a moment later. It was as if they knew something significant had happened and it startled Robert how accurate they were, how well they knew both Andy and Robert and were able to read their expressions in seconds. 

“What happened?” Victoria asked the moment she saw both of them.

Andy sat down on a chair, still staring into nothingness. Robert had to find his voice before he could speak and even when he did, he noticed how hoarse his voice sounded: “He confessed.” It was all he was able to say, but it was enough, more than enough.

It was as if his words kept drifting around in the room, which had turned completely silent. Victoria’s eyes had become wide and Diane didn’t move, as if she was shocked into silence. 

Andy was the one who broke it and all eyes landed on him as he suddenly spoke: “I did it. I hurt her.”

Victoria’s eyes turned even wider. “No,” Victoria shook her head, as if she couldn’t hear the words, as if the words physically hurt her. “No, no. That’s not true. It’s not true. Tell me it’s not true.” Her pleading eyes were filled with tears as she looked up at Robert and Robert’s heart ached by the painful look in his sister’s eyes, knowing he couldn’t make it okay, knowing she was going to get hurt. 

“It’s true,” Robert answered, honestly. Victoria just looked at him and a single tear slid down from her warm, butterscotch eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flowed its way down her cheeks, releasing the sadness and sorrow that had settled inside her after Andy’s terrible confession. But still she did not make a sound, she just stayed where she was.

“I am so sorry Vic,” Andy said, looking up at her, his eyes just as pained as his sister’s were. “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

Victoria could only shake her head, unable to speak.

“But what brought this on? How…” Diane had to clear her throat as well and Robert suddenly realized this had been just as much of a shock for her as it had been for Victoria. She was just able to hide it better. “What happened?” she continued when she had found her voice again.

“We talked to Debbie,” Robert just answered. He didn’t know how to handle this situation; he wasn’t prepared for this. His whole family was highly upset and there was nothing he could do about it. 

“Who’s we?” Victoria asked, her voice unsteady. 

“Aaron, Andy and I,” Robert admitted earnestly, knowing, realizing that this happening was all down to him.

“Why would you do that?” Victoria asked, her words making Robert cringe from the inside as he heard the soft accusation in her voice.

“We just wanted to know the truth,” Robert replied. He had just never really considered the outcome. He had never really considered this could tear his family apart. But it had done so. His family was falling apart, because of it, because of him. 

“I’m gonna turn myself in,” Andy suddenly said, as he stood up from his chair. Robert just stared at his brother, his mind stunned by his brother’s statement. He had not been thinking about what his brother should do next, but it seemed as if his brother had already decided. Robert’s chest tightened when he realized this was the most sensible and right thing his brother could do right now. But he also realized that when Andy would do so, Robert would lose his brother and wouldn’t get him back for a lot of years. When Victoria’s voice broke the silence, Robert knew Victoria had come to the same realization. 

“No. No, please Andy, don’t do that,” Victoria pleaded with him, her eyes filling up with tears again.

Andy turned towards her, a painful look on his face. “Debbie and Aaron heard me confessing. I am not gonna sit around here and wait until the police come knocking on our door. I need to do the right thing for once.”

Victoria just shook her head. She looked as if she was about to choke on her grief and sadness. “I’ll lose you,” she replied, her voice small.

Andy looked out of his debt for a moment, as if he didn’t know what to say, until he just pulled his sister in for a hug. “Don’t forget me,” he whispered roughly near her ear. Victoria’s fingers tightened into her brother’s hoodie as if she wished she could disappear inside his embrace, as if she could keep him there, keep him safe if she would just hold onto him.

Andy held on to her just as much, let her cling to him, until he softly pried her fingers away from him and looked down on her. Victoria looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. “I never will.”

Andy just nodded at her, as if he was incapable of forming words, before he turned to Diane, who just hugged him tightly without saying a word. Andy just disappeared in her arms and Robert realized she had not only been a mum for him, but for Andy as well.

“Goodbye son,” she just mumbled when she let him go.

Andy just nodded before he turned to Robert and Robert’s heart was sinking in his chest. He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle seeing Andy saying goodbye to the people he loved, knowing he probably would not be able to hold them for a long time.

Robert wasn’t prepared to say goodbye when his eyes landed on his brother’s face. 

“I’ll go with you,” Robert said, his voice low and hoarse.

Andy just nodded and walked outside, not turning around and Robert realized he wasn’t strong enough to look back anymore. It would become all too real what he was about to leave behind if he did. He gave Victoria and Diane one last look and followed his brother back outside. 

xXx

Aaron had held it together. He had been able to stay strong since the moment Andy had entered the house and had confessed to what he had done. Aaron had looked after his cousin, although he couldn’t get any soothing words over his lips. Debbie hadn’t been able to stop shaking. Aaron had just been sitting there, unable to do anything else. He had called Lisa, had explained what had happened in as little words as possible. Lisa had been there two minutes later. He had watched on as Lisa had been able to get Debbie to talk, watched on as the tears streamed down Debbie’s face and still hadn’t been able to say anything. All he knew was that there was a tight ball inside his stomach, which made him feel nauseous and sick. Lisa had called Chas who had come by as soon as she could. Aaron had held open the door for her and she hadn’t even really looked at him, before she hurried to be next to Debbie. That’s when Aaron had left. 

He breathed in the cool air, trying to fight the feelings which were overwhelming him. Aaron pushed his nails into his hands, trying to keep calm, trying to breathe, but it felt like his lungs were closed off, like he couldn’t gulp in the air. Every muscle inside his body was taut with tension, as if he was going to explode if he didn’t find a way to release it. He read the signs, knew he was on the edge. 

His breathing accelerated, trying to fight back the images in his mind. Andy pushing Debbie down onto the bed, holding her, entering her, raping her, while she just lay there. Aaron’s chest tightened and he couldn’t stop the memories from tumbling over in his head. He gulped down air, but it still wasn’t enough. They were coming. The memories filled his mind and he couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t. He pressed his hands against his head, trying to hold it together. Trying to breathe, but all he heard was his father’s voice, calling his name, the threat in his voice, it twisted a knife inside his guts. Aaron knew what was coming, what was coming when he heard that voice. He needed to get away, he needed it to stop. He was coming. He needed to run, he needed to run and hide, rinse it away. His heart was beating as if it was about to explode, his mind a scattered mess. An invisible hand closed around Aaron’s throat; an equally ghostly hypodermic of adrenaline pierced through his heart. And suddenly he was running. He felt his ribs as if they were bound by ropes, straining to inflate his lungs. His head was a carousel of fears spinning out of control, each one pushing his mind into blackness. He had no idea where he was going, could only hear the pounding of his own feet on the asphalt, the rushing of his blood in his ears. He didn’t know where he was nor did he know where he was heading. He had no idea what time it was and he had no clue what day. All he knew was he had to keep running forward. Not stopping for anything. Or he would catch him, or it would happen again.

Heart pounding, his panicked breath like thunder in his ears, thighs burning, lungs on fire, praying not to trip. Adrenaline almost bursting through his skin, eyes wide with fear, screams locked in his throat. He tried to fight it. But he could hear his father’s voice in his ears, could feel his tormented touch on his skin. Running was no use, he had found a way in. He had been too weak and he had found an opening to enter his mind again, to fill his thoughts with horrible memories. He could feel him behind him, feel him pulling him back, wrapping his hand in Aaron’s hoody, tangling and pulling.

Aaron fell to his knees, hitting the ground hard, hurting himself as he fell down. But the pain was welcoming just for a moment. It felt real and Aaron could breath for a single moment, until the tightness in his throat returned, straining his insides as the pain clawed its way in. 

The thoughts were accelerating inside his head. His breaths came in gasps and he felt like he would black out. His heart was hammering inside his chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. His only movement was the trembling of his limbs and salty tears darkening his hoodie. The world spun and he buried his hands into the muddy ground, trying to make everything slow to something his brain and body could cope with. He felt so sick. He wanted to call someone but didn’t know how to. Everything seemed too far away, it was too far away, it was too far away. He didn't know who to call, didn’t know how, what to do. He was gone, couldn’t breathe. Pain, so much pain. Breathe, just breathe. Gone.

xXx

Robert walked towards the police station with Andy. They hadn’t said a word during the trip there. Andy didn’t seem to want to talk and Robert couldn’t really find any words to say. But when the police station came in sight, Robert realized his footsteps were wavering and he was walking a lot slower than moments before. 

“Are you sure you want to do this? We could just get you out of the country,” Robert said, his eyes focusing on the police station in front of him. Robert knew his words didn’t make any sense, but with the police station in sight, it had suddenly hit him; he was about to lose his brother and he couldn’t do anything to stop that. He knew there had to be justice for Debbie and Andy had made his mind up, there was no way to change that. But somehow he couldn’t bear the thought of losing his brother. 

Andy shook his head beside him. “I need to do this. I am doing the thing I should’ve done before.”

“You didn’t know what you did,” Robert replied and he noticed he had stopped walking, still staring at the building in front of him.

Andy turned towards him and Robert could feel his brother’s eyes on him. “I think I knew it somewhere. I should have known. I caused her so much pain, Robert. I’m never gonna forgive myself for that.”

Andy reached out his hand, and Robert looked down at Andy’s hand. Robert realized Andy wanted him to shake it. “I see you around, Rob,” Andy said. Robert could tell Andy tried to keep all the emotions out of his voice. 

But Robert couldn’t let him walk out of his life like that, so instead of shaking his hand and letting him walk into the police station, Robert said: “Don’t you want me to come with you?”

Andy dropped his hand and shook his head. “No, gotta do this myself.” Andy looked up and his eyes found Robert’s. Robert’s heart contracted painfully by the look in Andy’s eyes. “There’s something I wanna say though.”

Robert buried his hands inside his pockets, a sad feeling settling in his chest as he looked into Andy’s eyes. Andy’s voice was a low rumble when he spoke: “Don’t hate me. I know I need to pay for what I did. I will hate myself forever for what I did to her. And I know I have let you down. I know it is a lot to ask, just don’t hate me.”

Robert’s throat felt like it was locked up. “I don’t hate you. Never really did.”

“Well, I think we both know that’s debatable,” Andy replied, and Robert knew Andy was trying to lighten the mood, but it only made Robert feel worse. 

“I certainly have done some things I’m not proud of,” Robert agreed, his voice earnest. 

“Me too,” Andy admitted and Robert could feel his emotions tumbling inside of his chest, he had no idea what to feel, what to say. He had the feeling whatever he would say would never be enough. But there was one thing he needed his brother to know, something he should’ve told his brother a long time ago.

“But I have always loved you despite it all,” Robert said earnestly, feeling like he had never said something truer in his life. 

“Me too. Brother,” Andy replied and Andy’s eyes were filled with all kind of emotions Robert couldn’t make sense off, but he noticed the unshed tears in his brother’s eyes. A lump appeared in his throat, locking it up when he heard Andy use the word brother after all that time. Robert hadn’t even been aware of how much he had needed to hear it before this moment. 

“Look after Vic and Diane for me, alright?” Andy asked, after a moment of silence.

Robert just nodded his head. “Yeah, you know I will.”

“And Aaron. He changed you. He brings out the best in you. Don’t ruin that.”

The mention of Aaron’s name, brought all kind of emotions up inside of Robert’s chest, knowing Andy’s words were true. “I won’t.”

Andy looked down at his hands, before he looked up again, his expression apologetic. “I know I haven’t been the most supportive brother lately, not with you and Aaron. And I am sorry about what I said, what I did, when I told the whole pub about you two.”

“I know why you did it. Probably had done the same if I’m honest,” Robert replied, his heart in his throat, his words honest, but light. 

“Yeah, you probably would’ve,” Andy answered and seeing a small smile crossing over his brother’s face, was heartwarming and heart-wrenching at the same time. 

They just stood there for a moment, staring at each other, until Robert couldn’t take it anymore and pulled Andy in for a hug. Andy answered the hug immediately, his strong arms wrapping around Robert, strong and protective. There was something so warm, something that felt right as Andy pulled him close. Robert let his body sag, his muscles tightening around his brother, realizing this would be the last time he would be able to do this for a long time. In that moment he wished he had told his brother sooner how much he meant to him, how that love and respect had been there all along, but he had just been too afraid and hurt to show it. 

“See you on the other side, brother,” Andy said, his voice hoarse. 

“See ya, brother,” Robert replied, his voice just as hoarse as his brother’s.

They pulled away, their eyes meeting for the last time. Robert nodded at him and Andy nodded back, before he turned around and walked away, towards the police station. 

Rain began to fall down, as Robert looked on. It felt as if a thick emptiness settled in his heart when his brother walked away, a shear of nothingness that somehow took over and held his soul and threatened to overtake every other feeling entirely. It gave him this heavy burden, as if the weight of the world had just landed on his shoulders and there was nothing he could do about it, nothing he could do to change the future, change Andy’s life, knowing Andy had just lost years of his life. It was like there had appeared a hole in his heart and Robert felt the need to wipe away any non-existent tears, which he couldn’t seem to be able to form.

In his heart Robert retracted all the bad things he had ever said about Andy. They had never been a real reflection of Andy, only on his inner demons. Andy had always worked hard, a real farmer’s boy, fitting in without a second thought. Robert had only been able to see what had never been his, because he had always felt like Andy had taken that spot from him. And because of that he had always given Andy passive aggressive rage, had done everything in his power to hurt Andy, to punish him for being his father’s favourite. And because of his own insecurities he had become selfish and had been pushed out by his own father. But as he saw Andy disappearing behind the police doors and out of his life, the hurt and regret settled in Robert’s body. He could never get back to the start, he could never make it back to those wasted years they had shared, as he had tried to make Andy’s life miserable. He wished he could be standing by his side right now, that he had had time to make amends, to tell Andy all the things and regrets he never got to say. As Andy disappeared out of sight, Robert had finally learned what really mattered, but he realized it had come moments too late for the both of them. 

xXx

Aaron was still sitting on his hands and knees, unaware of the passing afternoon until he found drips falling on his head. He opened his eyes to the darkened sky. The rain fell softly as if it knew of the hardships both behind and ahead. Each droplet alighted on his skin with just enough coolness too command his mind to the present, to pull him away from the pain of the past and the uncertainty of what was to come.

The icy grey sky restlessly grumbled. The thick blackened clouds were dragged down by the heavy rain which it held in its delicate frame. Aaron knew that in less than a moment the rain would start to pour down. Still he didn’t get up, but just looked up at the sky as the rain became heavier. The rain washed away the darkness that had been held up inside his chest, leaving nothing but emptiness. The rain was now pouring down around him with a roar. The icy cold rain pierced his wet skin as he finally stood up and made his way back to the village. He didn’t know for how long he had been running, but as he looked around him, he noticed he had run pretty far from the village. He walked across the slippery path, his posture weakened by the weight of his soaked clothes. The quality of darkness shifted in the sky but the rain kept pouring and turned the world into a disorientated chaos.

When Aaron finally made it back to the village, his clothes were completely soaked and he was chilled to the bone. But the walk and the rain had done him some good as it had been able to clear his head, even just a little. It had been horrible listening to Andy confessing to what he had done to Debbie, just thinking about what she must’ve been through made Aaron feel sick to the stomach. He shivered and he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold. 

He walked passed the café and realized he could really do with a coffee. He walked inside, but was stopped in his tracks as he noticed Robert sitting at one of the tables. Robert hadn’t seen him, he looked deep in thought, his head buried in his hands. 

Relieve washed over Aaron. Robert was here, he was the one Aaron needed the most right now, knowing Robert would be the only person who would understand what he was going through.

He walked over to him and stopped in front of his table. For a moment he didn’t know what he had to do. Robert looked deep in thought, but when Aaron let his eyes wander slowly over Robert’s face, he noticed Robert’s jaw was clenched and his lips formed a thin line on his face. 

Aaron didn’t say anything, but just sat down at the table. Robert didn’t seem to have heard him, he was moving two hands over his face, over his eyes as if he was trying to wipe away tears and in that moment Aaron realized that was exactly what he was doing. 

Aaron’s heart ached painfully, realizing how upset Robert was, that he wasn’t the only one who was going through a rough time. 

Aaron slowly reached out his hand and put his hand over Robert’s, which was resting on the table. The moment Aaron’s hand touched Robert’s, Robert’s eyes flickered open to stare at their hands. 

Robert frowned, different emotions crossing over Robert’s features. Robert didn’t look up at him, as if he couldn’t bring himself to look at Aaron. But he grabbed Aaron’s hand in his own, as if he needed it just as much as Aaron did. 

Aaron held onto Robert's hand and that bit of contact grounded him. For the first time that day he felt something other than pain and that unbearable grief. That small piece of contact couldn't take away all of the horribleness they were about to face. But for a little while Aaron felt a calmness, a soothing in his heart. That warmth of skin on skin made the pain just a little bit more bearable. And as he looked at Robert, who was staring down at their hands, he knew for a moment he made Robert feel a little bit better too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I, in any way, have upset you with this chapter, or any chapter for that matter, please send me a message on my tumblr: http://wolkje25.tumblr.com/, I will always listen.


	20. Stand by your side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Finally ;p
> 
> Warning: Self harming

“Aaron, I know you want to talk, but I can’t do this right now.” They were still sitting in the café, Robert’s hand clutched into Aaron’s. Still Robert wasn’t looking at Aaron and Aaron’s heart broke when Robert’s words hit home.

“I can’t just leave you like this,” Aaron started, voice rough, his throat locking up by Robert’s rejection.

Robert sighed as he pinged the bridge of his nose, still not looking up as if looking at Aaron was too much to handle, as he pulled his hand out of Aaron’s and buried his head in his hands. “Aaron...I can’t... Please. I just want to be alone for a while.”

Aaron swallowed loudly, trying to swallow away the feeling of rejection that was about to consume him. “Okay.” Aaron knew he had to go, knew when he was not wanted, but he couldn’t walk away like this. He just stared at Robert for a moment, bidding for Robert to look up at him, but Robert looked completely lost in thought. Aaron’s heart sank inside his chest, feeling as if they were both standing on the other side of a river and there was no way of getting to the other side. He realized that figuring out the truth had driven a wedge between them and Aaron had no idea how to make it right. 

Aaron stood up from his chair, walked towards Robert and pressed a kiss at the side of Robert’s head. Aaron tried to ignore the hurtful feeling spreading in his stomach, feeling the distance between them in his bones.

Robert didn’t even look up when Aaron pulled back and walked outside. 

The rain was still pouring down when Aaron left the café again. He was about to step into it, when he suddenly felt a presence behind him. When he looked up, he took an unconscious step backwards. His father was standing next to him, with a coffee in his hand, looking at him. He realized his father had seen him kissing Robert’s head, and even though he knew it wasn’t any of his father’s business, the knowledge his father had seen him that intimate with someone made a sick twinge of feeling settle in his bones.

“It’s a terrible day to be outside,” Gordon commented, as his eyes travelled down Aaron’s body, making Aaron’s stomach twirl in the most nauseating way.

“What did you do son?” Gordon continued, as if he hadn’t noticed Aaron’s reaction. “You look terrible. Come on, I’ll take you home and make you some tea.” Gordon’s hand clasped his shoulder and Aaron tensed up immediately, before his whole body turned rigid. He pulled himself away, as if he had burned himself and said, his voice rough: “Don’t touch me.”

“I am just trying to help,” Gordon answered, his eyebrows raised as if he didn’t understand Aaron’s reaction, as if he didn’t know what he had done to him, as if he had never hurt him. Aaron’s chest tightened and seemed to suffocate him. “Come on, be a good son and come with me. I’ll take care of you.”

Aaron couldn’t breathe, felt like he was drowning, his father’s words resonating in his ears. He turned and walked away, his footsteps splashing into puddles. His heart was beating against his chest as his father’s words were running circling in his head. Panic settled in his bones. He could feel the clasp of his father’s hand on his shoulder like a stone-cold weight. He had to get away. Somewhere. Anywhere. Everything that had happened was still resonating in his body, feelings and memories still too raw to deal with. He made his way towards the B&B and walked upstairs to Robert’s room. It took him a moment to open it, but when he did, he entered and slammed the door behind him. 

He leaned against the door, trying to catch his breath, trying to get his thoughts and emotions under control which were about to drown him. 

The moment the silence dawned on him, he knew he had made a mistake coming here. He was rattled to his bones as the walls closed in around him. His heart started to pound erratically; he searched for ways to escape his mind, to get out of his skin with all the methodology of a bouncing ball. His stomach lurched, adrenaline pumped and he wanted to scream, to let out all the fear that had been building inside of him for so long. His father’s voice filled his ears and his fist hit the wall before he could stop himself. The pain rippled through his hand the moment his fist hit wood. But it wasn’t enough, he kept hearing his father’s voice over and over again, whispering, hurting, carving like a knife in his heart. He threw over the chair in the room, his hand hitting the wood hard. He flung everything from the desk and even the bottle of Whiskey Robert had bought fell to the ground, the glass breaking as it hit the hard floor. Still it wasn’t enough, the words his father had spoken to him, were circling inside his mind, it made him feel repulsive, sick, disgusted with himself. It was too much; he couldn’t handle it. It all came back to him, the hurt, the pain, the embarrassment, the sadness, the fear.

Aaron slipped down the wall to the ground, his breathing too fast. He looked at the mess around him, the mess he had made. Everything was such a mess; his whole life was a mess. His family was a mess, Robert was a mess, he was a mess. Everything that had happened to him, all the pain, all the heartache. Everything he had to deal with since he had been just a kid. It never ended, it never ended. He wanted it to end. To finish. No more feelings, nothing. His eyes scattered over the floor, looking for something or nothing at all. His eyes came to rest on a glistering piece of glass. Aaron couldn’t pull his eyes away from it, his stomach a tight knot, his head all over the place. He needed relieve, needed to feel anything else than this suffocating pain. 

His fingers curled around the little sharp object as he pulled it towards him. The shard stung in the skin of his fingers, but he didn’t stop there. He held it tighter, until the glass cut deep into his skin, tearing his skin apart. He could feel blood dripping from his hand, still he pushed harder, needing the physical pain to distract him, to take away the other suffocating pain which was about to take over his mind and consume him whole. He could control this physical pain. He needed this pain.

The physical pain was better than the demons in his head. It distracted him enough to give him room to breathe. He opened his hand and looked down at the glass in his hand, scarlet red from his blood. The shard of glass fell from his hand as blood seeped from his hand and trailed down his wrist. 

His father was still here, there was no way to escape him, he would be there every turn he took. Aaron’s breathing became rigid again, bile forming in his throat. He pressed the thumb of his other hand into the wound and hissed by the pain floating through his body, making him cringe. But he focused himself on that, it was the only thing that grounded him, the only thing that made him breathe again. 

It was only when he heard his name, he looked up.

xXx

Everything was everywhere. He had trashed it, probably in minutes. But Robert didn’t even look at that as he walked slowly over to Aaron. He noticed how Aaron tried to hide his hand, holding it against his chest, but Robert had seen what Aaron had been doing when he had walked in.   
The worry had flickered up in his chest and grew stronger with every moment that passed, his stomach a tight knot, fearing, knowing exactly what had happened here. 

He crouched down beside Aaron and looked at him. Aaron’s eyes had frozen over like the surface of a winter puddle, robbing them of their usual warmth. He was in there, Robert knew that, but it was as if he had taken a huge step back from life. He wanted to reach out and tell him it wasn't hopeless, that he had so much left to fight for, but Robert knew Aaron wouldn't believe him. Robert had always known he had pain inside, had known the moment Aaron had told him about Jackson, Aaron’s life had been far from easy. But Robert now knew Aaron’s pain was way deeper than Robert had ever known, even after Aaron had told him what his father had done to him. He could now read it in Aaron’s eyes, it was visible on his face and Robert wished it would go away. He wanted to free him from this terrible burden he still carried around inside his mind. 

“Aaron,” Robert said softly as he looked at him, making sure he didn’t touch him. Aaron’s eyes flickered up at him and looked at him with a flat expression in his eyes. “We need to get you help. We need to go to the hospital.”

“No. No hospital,” Aaron’s voice sounded low and hollow when he spoke, making Robert’s skin crawl in an unpleasant way. 

“But someone needs to look at your hand.” Terror filled Robert’s chest as he looked down at Aaron’s hand. He could see the blood dripping from the cut Aaron had inflicted upon himself and his stomach seemed to do a nauseating twirl. Robert noticed Aaron pulled his hand closer to his body as if he wanted to shield it from Robert, as if he could make Robert unsee it. 

Aaron just shook his head and Robert’s worry grew inside his chest. “No. I am sure Eric keeps an emergency kit in the B&B somewhere.”

“But-” Robert tried to protest.

“Please, Robert.” Aaron looked up at him, suddenly a begging, almost pleading look in his eyes and Robert had the feeling as if he had forgotten how to breathe. “I can’t…if I go to the hospital, they will ask questions. I can’t right now. Please.”

Robert’s eyes scanned his face intensely, knowing he couldn’t say no to Aaron now, before he mumbled: “Fine. I’ll look for the kit. You stay here.” Robert stared at Aaron for a moment, not wanting to leave Aaron when he was in such a state, but he also knew he needed to get something to bandage Aaron’s hand. He needed to stop the bleeding. He took a deep breath and added: “Don’t move.”

xXx

Robert had sat Aaron onto the bed, and he sat himself down on the chair Aaron had thrown over earlier, after he had picked it up from the ground. Robert had washed Aaron’s wound clean underneath the shower and was now bandaging it. They were both silent as Robert focused his attention on the task at hand, trying not to think too much about what had just happened. But it was difficult not to when he looked down at the wound on Aaron’s hand. It was deeper than he would’ve guessed. His stomach turned around by the image of Aaron hurting himself like this. The thought of Aaron harming himself in any way because of his father, his past, made Robert feel so sad, it was almost too much to handle. 

He kept his eyes on his work, not looking up, afraid to look up. He had no idea what he had to say and even if he did, he didn’t know if he could even get the words over his lips. The image of Aaron hurting himself burnt inside his mind and wouldn’t leave him. 

“I’m sorry.”

Robert froze, hearing the soft whisper of Aaron’s voice. He closed his eyes against the pain in it, it was even harder to handle than the bloody wound in front of him. 

All Robert could do was shake his head against those words, still not able to say anything. But he didn’t want to hear those words from Aaron. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault he got this upset, not after what had happened. It hurt him immensely Aaron hadn’t seen another way to release the hurt inside than to physically hurt himself. Robert didn’t want to think about what could’ve happened. He couldn’t help his mind going back to the moment he had found his brother covered in blood a few weeks ago, how they had had to call an ambulance, how he had almost lost him. It was frightening how much more it hurt if he had found Aaron like that. Seeing him hurting himself that way moments ago, made chills run down Robert’s spine. 

“Please Robert, say something,” Aaron pleaded, almost begging, as if he needed to hear Robert’s voice, needed to know what was going on inside his mind. Robert had to take another moment until he found the courage to do so. 

He didn’t look up when he said, his voice honest, but rough: “What if you’d cut yourself too deep? What then?”

Robert could feel Aaron tense up underneath his hands. “It was a one off. It won’t happen again,” Aaron said and Robert knew Aaron tried to sound reassuring, but he heard the doubt in Aaron’s own voice, making him cringe inwardly.

“And what if it does?” Robert answered, finally looking up at Aaron, needing to know how Aaron would react after his words. 

The turmoil was readable in Aaron’s eyes and that look got to Robert more than he would’ve thought. “It won’t. I promise.”

Robert couldn’t look away from Aaron as his eyes wavered over Aaron’s face. He tried to believe him, tried to believe Aaron’s words, but somehow, after what he had witnessed, he wasn’t sure if he could. Because he knew what could happen. What if he would cut himself too deep one day? He could lose him and he was damn sure in this moment he wouldn’t be able to handle that. Not in a long shot. 

He should’ve seen this coming, he should’ve known this could happen. Aaron had told him about what had happened after Jackson, how he hadn’t coped. And after Gordon had come back, Robert should’ve been the one to keep Aaron out of harm’s way. But he hadn’t.

“It’s my fault.” 

Robert only realized he had spoken aloud when Aaron suddenly spoke, his voice almost shocked: “What? No.”

Robert looked back up at Aaron, a tightening in his chest. “I knew it would be terrible for you to listen to everything. I knew it would hurt you. I should’ve known better,” Robert confessed, his words earnest, his heart aching. He shouldn’t have convinced Aaron to come with him when Debbie and Andy had talked. He was almost sure that was what had triggered all of this.

“It is not your fault,” Aaron commented, his voice determined, as if he needed for Robert to believe him. Robert shook his head, while he finished the bandage on Aaron’s hand and taped it, so it would stay at its place.

“Isn’t it? I should’ve prevented you from being there. I should’ve protected you from this.” Robert felt like he was stripped down, his emotions open and raw, as he couldn’t help the words falling out of his mouth. 

“It was my own decision to be there, Robert. You didn’t talk me into anything.” 

Robert just shook his head again, not believing Aaron’s words. He should’ve been there for Aaron, he should’ve seen something like this coming. 

Aaron grabbed Robert’s arm with his good hand, as if he needed for Robert to look at him. So, Robert had no other choice than to do so, his eyes finding Aaron’s in a heartbeat. Aaron’s eyes were earnest, raw, filled with emotions. “I’m serious. It’s not your fault. I wanted to know what had happened just as much as you. We finally know the truth. Debbie can finally try and move on with her life.”

“But you can’t,” Robert replied honestly. Aaron’s hand fell from Robert’s arm as if he had burned himself. He looked down, as if he wasn’t able to look Robert in the eyes anymore. Aaron subconsciously moved his hand over the bandages and Robert’s eyes were drawn to it. “Look at you, Aaron. It is only getting worse.”

Aaron moved a hand over his face, as if he tried to shield himself off from Robert and Robert realized his words had hit home, knowing he had touched something deep inside Aaron, Aaron reacting emotionally to his words, hurt crossing over Aaron’s face. 

He remembered the short moment in the café, when Aaron had sat in front of him and had held his hand. He remembered how he had known Aaron had wanted to talk to him about something, but too upset about the way he had just lost his brother, he hadn’t taken the time to listen to Aaron. “I should’ve been there. I should’ve listened,” Robert murmured again, realizing once more he had let Aaron down by not being there when he obviously had needed him. 

Aaron looked at him again and Robert saw the unshed tears in his eyes. “You have been there for me. You have been there for me more than you know. I wouldn’t be here, if it weren’t for you.”

Aaron’s words brought Robert back to the moment Aaron had confessed he had tried to kill himself. And suddenly Robert realized he had already come way too close to losing Aaron. Robert could feel Aaron move closer and he subconsciously moved backwards, without even really thinking about it, not comprehending what Aaron had wanted to do, his head all over the place.

Robert just realized Aaron pulled back and when he looked up, Aaron’s eyes had clouded over. Robert could see the walls coming up and Robert started to wonder what was wrong. Aaron’s words were harsh when he spoke: “I should’ve known.”

Robert frowned, trying to understand what had just happened, what Aaron meant. “What?”

Aaron stood up and walked to the window, looking out over the fields, his hands clasped into fists, the bandages tightening around Aaron’s knuckles.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asked, slightly worried by Aaron’s posture and words. 

“Just wondering why you haven’t run a mile yet,” Aaron gritted between his teeth. 

An uncomfortable feeling settled in Robert’s gut after Aaron’s words. “Why? Why would you say that?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Aaron answered, not turning around, sounding as if Robert should really be able to grasp what Aaron was talking about.

“Not to me it’s not,” Robert replied honestly, worrying.

“You don’t…want me anymore, do you?” Aaron murmured, his words harsh, but laced with an insecurity Robert had never heard before. 

And Robert was totally taken aback by Aaron’s words. “Wha-,” he started, before Aaron’s words really hit him. “Aaron, that’s not true,” he said honestly, knowing his own words were true, needing for Aaron to believe him. 

“Isn’t it?” Aaron turned around slightly and looked at him, his eyes shimmering with emotions. “When’s the last time you touched me? Or… kissed me?” The hurt in Aaron’s voice made Robert stand up, but he stayed where he was, not sure what to do with this situation. 

“What has brought this on?” he asked concerned, feeling like he had completely missed something. 

“You don’t want me. Not like that anyway.” The insecurity Aaron was feeling was all too visible in his voice at that moment and Robert realized Aaron truly believed in his own words. There was only one way to convince Aaron he was totally wrong. Robert walked towards Aaron and stopped in front of him.

“Aaron, look at me.” Robert waited until Aaron took up the courage to look up at him. Robert’s eyes held Aaron’s gaze, looked in the deep blue color of Aaron’s eyes when he said earnestly: “I want you all the time. And you can’t say or do anything, that will make me stop loving you. I need you to see that.”

Aaron’s gaze dropped, but Robert had read the hurt and disbelieve in Aaron’s eyes. “Don’t. Don’t say that.”

“Aaron, I mean it,” Robert replied, trying to sound reassuring, needing for Aaron to believe him, as his words were as true as they had ever been. But Aaron didn’t look up at him, just shook his head. 

"I am serious, Aaron. It’s just…,” Robert paused for a moment, needing to find the right words. “I need you to be sure, to be ready. I don’t want to pressure you into anything.” Robert sighed and continued: “What I'm trying to say… with Debbie and…Andy, when they talked, when I found you here… hurting yourself, I realized once more the suffering you had to go through, and I can't believe you made it out alive. Because I can’t take it, I can’t bear the fact that this world fucked you up so much you can’t believe someone loves you."

“I can’t believe someone like you can love me, because I don’t deserve it,” Aaron whispered quietly.

Robert’s heart ached after Aaron’s softly whispered words, knowing Aaron believed in his own words. “Let’s make things clear here and now: the one that doesn't deserve being lucky here is me. And with you I fucking hit the jackpot, so don’t tell me again that you can’t believe me, because you’re a fucking miracle and I am so grateful not only for having you in my life, but because you are still here, even after all the shit you had to face all alone.” Robert smiled, a sad but warm smile. "You're not alone anymore, Aaron. And you'll never be again."

xXx

Aaron had the feeling he couldn’t breathe after Robert’s words. He didn’t deserve such high praise. He was broken inside and Aaron didn’t know if that could ever be fixed. There was really nothing to love there, Aaron surely couldn’t find anything inside himself which could possibly make anyone love him. But Robert didn’t seem to notice the turmoil going on in his head as Robert moved closer and reached out his hand to touch him. Aaron subconsciously tensed up, couldn’t seem to help it. Robert let his hand drop, but didn’t move backwards.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Robert whispered, and Aaron lifted his head, to look up at Robert, into the green of Robert’s eyes and got lost in the depth of them.

“I know that,” Aaron whispered, his voice raw. He felt all too much at once, too many emotions were about to overwhelm him. Robert wanting to protect him, Robert caring for him, brought out all forms of feelings that Aaron had never considered himself capable of.

“I know.” Aaron swallowed, looked up into Robert’s eyes and saw it there, the affection, the love and it made his heart burst into a warm glow despite everything, had never considered he would find love like this. This all-consuming, passionate, but still tender and warm love. He still felt undeserving off it. Didn’t know how not to. 

Robert’s expression didn’t change, as he moved softly forwards, lifted Aaron’s head up with a soft touch of his hand and kissed him softly on the forehead. His knuckles brushed Aaron’s cheek with a gentleness that felt unbearable, undoing the years of fight and struggle in Aaron in one soft touch.

xXx

Aaron had sat himself down on the bed when Robert had pulled back from kissing him on the forehead and Aaron had made himself smile up at him. But now his thoughts were not with Robert and his own messed up feelings towards him, but with his father, whom seemed to get inside his head every second of every day. “I wish I never had to see him again,” he mumbled softly, without even really realizing he was talking out loud. 

“I know,” Robert replied calmly, honest and Aaron let go of the breath he hadn’t even known he had been holding. It still surprised him how easily Robert seemed to understand him, but never judged him, never had to ask for clarification, but just knew. “What happened when I left?” Robert asked moments later, his voice quiet, sitting himself down next to Aaron on the bed.

Aaron swallowed, trying to get his head straight and remember what had happened after Robert had left with Andy. But even then, it was hard to find his voice. “Called Lisa. She came round and called Chas. I just…seeing her sitting there like that, knowing he really hurt her…I just couldn’t take it. All those images wouldn’t stop inside my head. I felt like running, as if that was the only thing I could do. So, I did. Tried to run away from everything; Debbie, Andy, my dad, you. It just became too much. I only noticed where I was when it started raining.” Somehow he didn’t tell Robert he had fallen and had hurt himself. He had seen the painful and guilty look in his eyes when he had seen Aaron’s hand and when he had been convinced it had been all his fault. Aaron didn’t want to cause Robert any more grief as he knew Robert would only blame himself for it. 

“What then?” Robert asked, as if he needed for Aaron to tell him what had happened. 

xXx

Robert tried to breath calmly while he listened on when Aaron talked him through what had happened when he had left….

“I walked back to the village, I was cold and wet and wanted to get a coffee. I saw you…” Aaron’s voice wavered and Robert knew what he didn’t want to say, but the silence told him everything he needed to know. His mind snapped to that moment in the café when Aaron had talked to him, but too hurt by what happened with his brother, he hadn’t been able to look at Aaron. Guilt filled his stomach, knowing he could’ve prevented this, if he had listened to Aaron. 

“…and Gordon.”

Robert looked up by the mention of Aaron’s dad. “You talked to your dad?”

“Yeah…He wanted to take me home, wanted to take care of me.” Robert noticed the shiver that ran through Aaron, noticed how Aaron said those words, as if it brought back all kinds of memories. “He just always used to say that, when he was about to hurt me. I couldn’t take it. Not after everything.”

“It was too much,” Robert just stated and Aaron just nodded his head, before he said: “I needed the pain to go away.”

Robert shook his head lightly without even realizing it, before he moved his hands over his face, trying to comprehend what he heard, what he was feeling. He could hardly imagine what Aaron was going through, what was going on inside of his mind, what had been going on inside his mind when he had talked to his father, and after, when he had hurt himself. Even though he tried to get it, tried to understand it, it was still just so hard to grasp how someone could actually do that to themselves. He didn’t judge Aaron for hurting himself, he just found it hard to comprehend someone could see no other way out than to hurt themselves, to find some kind of relieve for the messed-up things inside their minds. 

He wanted to protect Aaron, wanted to shield him off so no one could ever trigger that again. Aaron had been through too much already and now he was hardly coping. Robert wouldn’t let him slip away any further, he wouldn’t let that happen. And the only way he could help Aaron was to make sure Gordon left this village. One way or another. 

Robert started when Aaron suddenly started speaking again, his eyes focused on Robert’s face, his voice a bit stronger than before. 

“What happened when you left Debbie’s house?”

Robert’s heart contracted painfully when he remembered what had happened after he and Andy had left the house. He had to find his voice before he was even able to speak. “He said goodbye to Diane and Vic and then turned himself in. They have him in custody now.”

“I’m sorry,” Aaron’s voice sounded sincere, but Robert closed his eyes against those words, unable to hear them falling from Aaron’s lips. He knew Aaron was only trying to comfort him, but knowing how Aaron must feel towards the subject made it hard to take Aaron’s words to heart.

He swallowed. Still, Aaron was the only person he could talk to about this. And there was something he had carried around for so long, something he had never said out loud. But he was afraid how Aaron would react to it, as he had never told anyone this, not even Victoria, not really. He took a deep breath as he stared into the distance and said softly: “I’ve always known. Deep down I’ve always known he did it. I just always had this little flicker of doubt he wasn’t telling the truth.”

“Me too,” Aaron confessed softly. 

Robert’s head snapped to Aaron’s in seconds. “What?”

A high color had appeared on Aaron’s cheeks and his eyes moved between Robert’s eyes and the carpet when he spoke: “I always had that flicker of doubt as well, about Debbie not telling the truth. I just, I couldn’t really wrap my head around the idea Andy could do such a thing, ya know.”

Robert sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

Silence fell around them, like a vail, closing them off from everything, the whole world. Robert had never felt this safe to talk about anything before. He knew Aaron was the reason for all of that, Aaron was the one who made him feel like that. 

“I can’t believe he’s really gone,” he eventually said, the words sounding hoarse in his own ears. “Locked up inside, just like that.”

“You’d rather not known the truth?” Aaron asked, his voice soft.

Robert stared at the ground in front of him. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s just… It’s…” Robert moved a hand through his hair trying to find the right words. His eyes moved to Aaron, who was just looking at him, waiting for him to continue, before he focused them back on the ground. “I know he needs to be locked up for this. I know what he did to her is terrible and wrong, but he’s still…” Robert fell silent, knowing he couldn’t get the words over his lips, not sure how Aaron would react to his words. 

“Your brother,” Aaron finished, without hesitation. Robert eyes shot to Aaron’s face and all he read there was understanding. No judgement, no prejudice, just plain understanding of what Robert was trying to say.

“Yes, he is,” Robert replied quietly. 

Aaron smiled a small, sad smile. “It’s okay to feel like this, you know that right?”

“Is it?” Robert asked, doubting if he was allowed to feel this way. He could hardly comprehend what had happened, that his brother had really hurt Debbie, raped her and he still felt this way, feeling as if he had just lost his brother and probably wouldn’t get him back for years. That hurt, it goddamn hurt and it felt wrong to feel that way. He didn’t even know why he was confessing this to Aaron. Aaron, who had been through so much already. Aaron who had been through something so similar. Aaron who probably looked at his brother the same way as he looked at his father. With deep hatred and pain.

“Your brother is not my dad,” Aaron said earnestly and Robert looked up in astonishment, taken aback how Aaron had been able to almost grasp what he had been thinking. 

“Isn’t he?” Robert replied a moment later, his mood dropping even further, his voice hoarse. “He raped her. Even though he was emotionally a mess, there is no excuse for that.”

“No there isn’t,” Aaron stated immediately, but his voice turned softer as he moved a bit closer and Robert turned towards him to look Aaron in the eyes. “But he will never hurt his children, we both know that.”

Robert huffed out a breath, before he said: “I know you hate him.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” Aaron replied. “I know you love him. Even after this, you still love him. And that is not wrong, you can’t just change what you’re feeling. You don’t have to.”

Robert shook his head, completely taken aback by the reasoning in Aaron’s words, the truth in them, it felt like Aaron knew exactly what he had been thinking and was able to say the right things, to know what he needed to hear. 

“Do you still love your dad?” Robert asked quietly.

Aaron screwed up his face and Robert could slap himself for asking such a stupid question. 

“No. I used to though, when I was younger. I looked up to him so much.” Aaron fell silent for a moment before he continued: “Even after the first time…I was confused, wanted to impress him, didn’t want him to punish me again. Well, I don’t think I loved him as much back then, just was scared of him, to be honest.”

Robert just nodded his head, suddenly realizing how calmly Aaron was able to talk to him about it. He knew it must still hurt to even think about what had happened to him, still ever since Aaron had told him, it seemed as if it was a bit easier for Aaron to talk to him about it. He knew it was still a big deal for Aaron, but it were these little moments, that meant so much to Robert. 

xXx

Aaron sighed and bit his lower lip, trying to figure out what he had to do after Robert confessing he still loved and cared for Andy. 

Robert had buried his head in his hands and Aaron wanted to reach out and hold him close, but after he had tried to kiss him and Robert had pulled back from him, Aaron didn’t seem to be able to do so. There was a heavy weight resting in his stomach, not only because of what had happened, but also because of the sadness in Robert’s eyes when he had talked to him about his brother. How alone he had looked. He wished he could find a way to make it all go away. But he couldn’t and he was almost sure Andy would stay behind bars for a long time. Even though Aaron believed Andy deserved all the punishment he got, he hated the effect it seemed to have on Robert, how terrible it made Robert feel. 

No matter what he thought of Andy, what it did to Robert was far more important to Aaron than anything else and he realized once more he was in way too deep when it came to Robert. 

“Don’t you ever just want to leave here?” Robert suddenly said, raising his head from his hands, to look at Aaron. “To get out of here? Do something for yourself for a change. See the world? Live on your own? Something?”

“I wanted to.” Aaron said succinctly, not sure what had brought this on. “It’s just not that simple. I’ve never had the luxury of putting myself before others. And I don’t want to be anybody’s charity case.”

When Robert looked at him, his eyes were shining earnestly. “You deserve more than this, you know that right?”

“I do,” Aaron answered, because he did. “But I also know that the world isn’t always so fair to give good things to people just because they deserve it.”

“And now?” Robert replied: “Now Gordon is here? Don’t you just want to leave?”

Aaron swallowed loudly. He hated it when people said his father’s name, it made his spine tingle in a very unpleasant way. “Where to?”

“I don’t know. We could find a place to live. Away from here,” Robert replied, still looking at Aaron, his eyes wavering over Aaron’s face as if he was curious how Aaron would react to his words.

But Aaron shook his head, not paying too much attention to Robert in that moment. “It wouldn’t change anything. I know that now.” Aaron sighed, had the feeling as if all his feelings and emotions had been pushed inside a blender and they had all been mixed up. He had no idea what he was feeling anymore. So much had happened in such a short time. Even now he felt like he couldn’t even keep track of the conversation they were having. But he was sure of one thing, he was still messed up. Even after he had left, he still hadn’t find the time to process everything, it still hadn’t made a difference. Somehow he wasn’t able to run away from this. His father was still here and even after telling Robert, it still felt like a burden. “I thought it would’ve felt different,” Aaron confessed softly, honestly. “When I told someone what he did to me. I thought I would feel different when I told you.”

“Maybe you can’t let go of it yet. As long as he is in your life, you won’t be able to completely put it behind you,” Robert replied, an inkling to his voice, Aaron wasn’t able to grasp.

“So what would you want me to do?” Aaron asked, a bit sceptical, a bit uptight, not sure he was going to like the answer.

“Tell Chas.”

Aaron shook his head the moment those words left Robert’s mouth. “I can’t. It will break her heart.” Even thinking about telling her made a shiver run down his spine. 

“And what about you?” Robert replied, his eyes focused on Aaron, his eyes serious, filled with concern. “Do you really want to see that man every time you walk through the village?”

Aaron felt as if he was suffocating when Robert’s words hit home, knowing deep down he wouldn’t be able to hold it all together when that would keep on happening. But he wasn’t ready to face the truth yet, let alone say it out loud again. “I can’t talk about this now. Can we just not talk about this now?”

Robert’s eyes moved over Aaron’s face, before he slowly nodded. “Alright. Just think about what I said, yeah?”

Aaron nodded his head once. “Yeah. Alright.”

xXx

Robert made his way outside. After their talk, Robert had convinced Aaron to get some rest, while he would get some shopping done. But as he made his way down the street, he noticed Gordon in the distance, disappearing inside the pub and before he knew it, Robert was making his way there as well. He wasn’t considering the fact that this might not be such a good idea. He just needed for that man to leave, before something terrible happened to Aaron, or worse, and far more likely, Aaron would do something terrible to himself. 

When Robert had entered the pub, he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Gordon and Chas talking at the bar, all smiles and soft touches and Robert felt as if he was going to be sick, could punch that smug smile right of Gordon’s face. 

He waited impatiently, his mood darkening by the second, until Chas had to turn to other costumers, before he made his way to Gordon and invaded his personal space without a second thought and said roughly near his ear: “You better leave now. Or I swear I will make you leave.”

Gordon looked back at him, his eyes betraying nothing but faint surprise. “Sorry? Do I know you?”

“Aaron told me everything. You sick pervert,” Robert gritted between his teeth, the hatred he had been feeling for this man, intensifying now he was so close by. 

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gordon replied, with an arrogance and indifference that made Robert’s skin crawl. 

“Don’t you?” Robert replied, his eyes blazing now.

“Look, I don’t know what you think you know, but I can assure you, it’s not true,” Gordon replied slightly annoyed now, and Robert realized he had finally gained a real emotion out of that man. 

“You better stay the hell away from him,” Robert threatened, his voice low and harsh.

“Or what else?” Gordon replied, a smile tugging at his lips as if he was mocking him, which made Robert’s blood boil and his hands itch. 

“Or you will wish you had left the moment I told you, you should.” Suddenly Chas appeared in front of them and Robert swallowed loudly, not sure how much she had heard. Her eyes were dark when their eyes met and she said: “Could we have a word.” It wasn’t even a question and Robert knew he couldn’t refuse. He just nodded and Chas turned around to walk to the back, Robert following her moments later. He shot one last dark look in Gordon’s direction, before he walked away, not looking back. 

xXx

Chas closed the door behind him when Robert had entered the backroom. He turned around to face her, feeling tight up like a life wire. His conversation with Gordon had affected him more than he was willing to admit to himself. He had never spoken to the man before, but he started to realize how good of a liar that man must be, to have been able to get away with everything he had done. He now understood why Aaron was so afraid to tell anyone, as it was his word against Gordon’s and he was sure Gordon would always pretend to have done nothing wrong. That man was able to lie through his teeth and still look innocent doing so. “How’s Aaron?” Chas started.

Robert huffed out an unamused laugh by her words. “So you suddenly remember him. Good on you,” Robert snarled before he moved to walk to the backdoor. He didn’t have time to have small-talk with the woman who had the nerve to call herself Aaron’s mother.

“Don’t you dare judge me,” Chas shot back, fire in her voice and Robert knew he had struck a nerve. He knew it shouldn’t, but it made him smile to himself and made him feel a bit better. 

He turned around to face Chas again. “Why not? I don’t see you caring one bit about your son’s well-being.”

Chas’ lips were a tight line. “He is strong. Always has been.”

“Maybe he isn’t as strong as you think,” Robert shot back before he had time to think about his words. 

Chas’ forehead wrinkled in worry, but her eyes were filled with suspicion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Robert had to fight the tendency to roll his eyes. “Open your eyes, Chas! He’s falling apart right in front of your eyes, but you’re too blind to see it.” He wasn’t even sure why he was telling her this, but he realized he was mad at her for leaving Aaron in the cold like that, just when he had needed her the most. 

“What do you mean?” Chas looked taken aback for a moment, the worry now completely visible in her eyes. 

“You cast him aside. Your own son! What kind of mother does that?!” Robert shot out, fire in his voice. 

“He hurt our family!” Chas shot back. 

“Because he slept with me?” Robert fired back. He still couldn’t believe how unbelievable blind-sided her family had been, still seemed to be. “Have you ever taken the time to listen to him, to let him explain?” Robert huffed out a breath when he read the look in Chas’ eyes. “No of course you didn’t. You’re not fit to call yourself a mother.”

“That’s enough!” Chas cried out. 

“I haven’t even started yet,” Robert said, his voice lacking all emotions now.

Chas’ face hardened after his words. “You can say whatever you like, but Aaron and me, we fight all the time, it’s what we do.”

Robert shook his head. “Not this time. This time it’s different. You’ve hurt him in the worst way.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Chas asked, demanding an answer.

Robert just stared at her for a moment. He wished he could just tell her, so she could finally see Aaron needed her support, so she could make Gordon leave and make Aaron come back home. But he knew Aaron would hate him if he did and the last thing he wanted was to lose Aaron’s trust. He took a deep breath and said: “It’s not my place to tell you.”

“Just tell me. If there’s something wrong with my son, I have every right to know.”

Robert shook his head after Chas’ pleading words. “I can’t. I will not betray him. He has had too much of that in his life already.”

“Yes, I have. And it seems like you’re doing one hell of a job right now as well.”

Robert’s heart froze when he realized who was standing behind him in the doorway. He turned around, to see Aaron leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. 

When he looked back at Chas, her eyes were big as well, and Robert knew she hadn’t seen or heard him enter either. “I’ll give you a moment,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. She looked taken aback and for a moment Robert wondered what was going on inside her head. But before he even got the chance to ask, she had left him and Aaron alone. He turned around to look at Aaron again, whom had pushed himself away from the door and was now looking at him with a dark, hurtful look in his eyes. “I thought you were going to the shops. Didn’t think you’d go behind my back to talk to my mum,” his tone was harsh, the look in his eyes even harsher.

“Aaron-” Robert started, guilt starting to spread through his body and dripping into his voice. “I didn’t plan this.”

“Course you didn’t,” Aaron answered sarcastically.

“I swear,” Robert replied, needing to convince Aaron, hating Aaron doubting his words. 

“Cause I have to believe you just happened to walk into the backroom of the pub by accident,” Aaron spat out.

“Okay, fine,” Robert replied, suddenly fed up by Aaron’s accusations. “Yeah, I came here to talk. To your dad.”

Aaron frowned, looking completely taken aback by Robert’s words. “Why?”

“Because it’s tearing you apart having him around, that’s why,” Robert replied, heat still sounding through, through in his voice.

Aaron’s eyes darkened. “That doesn’t give you the right to-”

“Then what does, Aaron?” Robert interrupted, his voice harsh. “Cause I am not gonna sit around and watch you fall apart like that. I won’t let that happen.”

Aaron’s face fell and he looked down to the ground. And suddenly Robert noticed how small Aaron looked, how tired and he felt stupid for losing his temper like that.

“I’m sorry,” Robert sighed. He didn’t want to fight with Aaron, knowing Aaron had too much on his mind already. It had never been his intention to make it worse.

Aaron looked back up and Robert was surprised when he noticed Aaron didn’t look as mad as he had done moments before. “It’s fine. Just next time talk to me first, alright,” he said, his voice soft but hoarse.

Robert just nodded before he mumbled, stepping in a bit closer: “So are we okay?”

Aaron smiled a small smile. “Yeah.”

xXx

Aaron was still a bit pissed, Robert had gone behind his back and talked to, not only his dad, but his mother as well. But even though he didn’t like it, didn’t mean he couldn’t understand it. He knew how worried Robert was about him and that concern had struck something deep inside of Aaron. That was also the reason he was able to forgive Robert for talking to his mother like that and opening his mouth to his father. He didn’t know where he and Gordon had been talking about, but Aaron could guess and he wasn’t sure he liked his own thoughts on the subject. 

Robert’s voice started him and interrupted his thoughts. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you would rest,” concern and curiosity dripped through Robert’s voice. 

Aaron bit his lower lip, not sure if he even wanted to do what he came here to do, had changed his mind about coming here, more times than he could count. “I couldn’t.” He looked up at Robert and noticed Robert was frowning lightly now, as if he was trying to figure out what Aaron wasn’t telling him. Aaron sighed and mumbled: “I kept on thinking bout what you said, about telling my mum.”

Robert looked surprised for a moment before he said quietly: “So, is that why you’re here? Because you decided to tell her?”

Aaron screwed up his face, hearing Robert say it out loud. He had never wanted to tell Chas about any of it. “It was a stupid idea,” he grumbled.

“No, it’s not,” Robert replied immediately. Aaron’s eyes narrowed by the quick reply. Robert seemed to read that look and smiled apologetic. “I just think it will help you, help you move on.”

Aaron bit his lip again, feeling insecure. 

Robert’s frown deepened as he kept on looking at Aaron. “Look, I am not going to pressure you into anything. But you coming here, it has to mean something, doesn’t it?”

Aaron let his gaze drop. “Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.”

Robert took a step closer, invading Aaron’s personal space and he looked up at Robert when Robert spoke softly: “She will believe you, you know that right?”

Aaron let out a long deep breath before he nodded his head. But he wasn’t as sure inside. He had kept this to himself for so long, he didn’t even know if he could even get the words over his lips. But he hadn’t been able to forget Robert’s words as he had been lying in that bed. He knew he couldn’t move on unless he told her. So eventually he had realized, he had to tell his mum. As Robert had said, having his father around was turning him into a complete mess and the only one who could make him leave was his mother. 

“You want me to stay here?” Robert asked, worriedly, as if he knew how much Aaron was struggling inside and when Aaron looked up at him, he knew Robert was well aware how much Aaron was struggling. 

A part of him wanted Robert to stay, needed Robert’s support, but he also knew that if Robert was there he would never be able to get the words over his lips. So he shook his head and said: “No, I have to tell her on my own.”

“Tell me what?”

Aaron turned around just to see his mother standing in the doorway. He wondered how long she had been standing there and how much she had heard. He took a deep breath before he turned around and looked at Robert again, taking strength from Robert unwavering stare. Robert looked at Aaron as if he was trying to see if leaving him alone would really be a good idea, before he nodded his head curtly. “Alright. But if you need me, just call, okay?”

Aaron just nodded, before his gaze drifted off to his mom again, who was looking utterly confused and annoyed at the same time. “What’s this all about?”

Aaron heard the door close and knew Robert had left them alone. He took a deep breath, knowing he had to tell her right now. He bit his lower lip as his stomach tightened painfully. He had never wanted to tell her. He knew she would only blame herself and he didn’t need for her to feel that way. But Robert was right, she needed to hear this from him and he knew he owed it to himself and his mom to tell her. But he was still afraid to tell her, afraid she wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t believe him. He looked at Chas, who was looking back at him with a questioning and worried look in her eyes. He cleared his throat, before he mumbled: “Maybe you need to sit down. There is something I need to tell you.”


	21. Interlude; Echoes of the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for the absolutely beautiful comments, I have no words really. Thank you for all the kudos as well, but above all, thank you for reading! It means a lot! <333
> 
> This chapter is a bit different than all the other chapters, as this chapter is written from Chas' point of view. I'd like to call it an interlude from the main story. Anyway, enjoy!

It was like a void. A dark void. A never ending dark void that consumed everything, so she was left feeling nothing. Empty. Nothing to subside her hollow soul that crept in the shadows, away from any other human life because its emptiness was so consuming it could not bear to pretend that everything was okay. As it was not. Everything was far from okay.

Aaron’s emotional pain had seeped out in his words and it had hurt to hear them, had hurt to read the meaning of them. She had known when he had started speaking it would break her, but when he had eventually spoken those words, she had been shocked, had only been able to stare at him, as his words had settled near her heart and ripped it open. 

He had cried. Silent, dark tears had fallen from those beautiful eyes and she had pulled him into her, had held him, had had no idea what else to do. And he had just hold on to her as the small boy he once had been. 

He had asked her if she did believe him and shocked, broken, realizing he doubted that, she had reassured him, blinking away the tears in her eyes. She had told herself not to cry, it hadn’t been about her, it had been about her son, needing her. 

But now, now she was alone, the heartbreak felt like grief that came in waves, gruelling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It was a shard in her guts that was as sharp as a knife. It felt like emptiness and excruciating pain at the same time, and in the quiet of the night it choked the breath from her body and short circuited her mind. What was once whole was shattered; where once was peace was emptiness, echoes of a love she had put her everything into and now made her feel disgusted about herself.

Guilt was about to consume her whole. She should’ve seen it, she should’ve been there. She never should’ve left him there. Her little boy. This, all of this was on her. The guilt sat not on her chest but inside her brain. What she had done she could not un-do. She could make amends in subtle ways, but she could never undo her mistakes, take it all back. She felt like she had let her son down in the most terrible way. She prayed that one day she could make it all alright for him again, but the guilt was a stain on her, an ugly scar and she already knew that it would always stay with her.

Chas heard the soft opening from the door leading to the hallway, but didn’t turn around. After a moment, she heard it closing again and footsteps up the stairs. She flinched by the thought of it being Gordon, but she rationally knew it couldn’t be him as he had told her, before she had come back to talk to Aaron, he was going into town to get her something special. She shivered by the thought alone, her stomach turning. 

She buried her head in her hands to stop the images filling her mind, tried to breathe as she listened to the footsteps on the stairs. There was only one person she could think of, who would go upstairs to look for her son and that would be Robert. And for the first time ever, she was glad he was there for her son.

She tried to breathe again, but it felt like her lungs were locked up. She saw everything so clearly now. She did. She had seen the pain in Aaron’s eyes. It had sat there for a life time, trapped in a web of betrayal, lies, hurt and abandonment. She could hardly believe she hadn’t seen it sooner. She knew she wasn’t perfect, but she loved her son and her heart ached thinking about how much she had let him down, not only the last few months, but his whole life. 

She tried to breathe again. She needed a moment to find her feeting, to stop her own head from spinning. But she would prove it. She would prove to him she loved him, and would protect him no matter what. 

She finally understood. There had been so much pain in his life and it was a miracle to her how he was still standing. She could hardly imagine the heartache he had carried around, the torture he had been through, and from what she had seen, still went through. She had been blind, hadn’t seen the truth. Too caught up in the lies and the ideas of her own family, she had abandoned him when he had most needed her. She had pushed him out and had let that man, that man who had abused her son, back into her life, which must have been even more torture to him. Her body turned into ice by that thought. She had left her son in the cold, while he had needed a home, a safe haven, while opening her arms for the man who had abused him. 

The thought of Gordon alone made her feel sick to the stomach, bile forming in her mouth. She could hardly imagine how she could’ve let him back into her life. He had taken Aaron’s childhood away, in an instant, without any regret. Aaron meant the world to her, always had. Even though she didn’t always show it, she loved him. But that man had taken a part of him away, had made him miserable, stealing every ounce of purity from his soul. Then he had casted him off like a worn sock. She could hardly breath thinking about that. There was no forgiveness in her soul. He had known what he had been doing, all this time he’d had a darkness inside of him, of which Chas had had no idea it even existed and he had hurt her son multiple times. The more she dwelled on it the more she could feel her heart harden and her skin crawl, fire burning in her insides, hate trying to overtake her. She had never hated anyone in her life before. But now, she hated him, she hated what he had done, who he was and she hated herself for not seeing it, for being blind and selfish. For letting her son down, for being cross with him and for ever loving Gordon in the first place. She promised to herself, she would mend everything, she would bring Aaron home and keep him safe.

She started out of her own thoughts when she suddenly heard her name and she almost jumped when she heard footsteps coming her way. She tensed up even more, her muscles one tight knot, as the footsteps came closer. 

“Chas? I just wanted to-” the voice stopped speaking altogether when they had entered the room and saw her sitting on the couch. 

“Chas? What’s wrong?” Her eyes flickered up and she noticed Cain standing near the couch, his arms folded, looking quite concerned. But she couldn’t do anything else but shake her head, her eyes focusing on the table in front of her again. She heard a soft movement and moments later Cain appeared in her line of sight as he sat himself down on the table. “Chas, something’s wrong. Tell me.”

Chas shook her head again, unable to say anything. She realized she must be in shock, as she felt like she could not speak a word. 

“I can’t help you, if you don’t talk to me,” Cain spoke, urgent, his eyes burning into hers, concern clearly visible in his eyes. 

Chas shook her head once more, trying to find her voice, trying to get some words out. “You can’t help me,” she finally managed to say, not even recognizing her own voice. “There is nothing you can do.”

“Well, I’m not leaving until you tell me,” Cain answered, his voice determined, but filled with worry.  
Chas took a shaky breath and her voice was trembling even more when she said: “Aaron was here. He told me the worst thing.” Tears were about to overwhelm her, her throat locking up with unshed tears. She looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry. She felt like her lungs were burning when she finally got the words over her lips:

“Gordon raped him.” Chas let go of a shaky breath, saying it out loud made it all too real. “He raped my son.” 

The silence of the room was as cold as her blood. There was no whispering noise or rustling while her spoken words seemed to hang in the air and time seemed to freeze. Then Cain’s sudden movement scared Chas and brought her heart racing as fast as a gunshot. Her head snapped in an instant from gazing ahead with unfocused eyes to Cain who was standing a few feet away from her, his back turned towards her. “You sure,” Cain said, and from the way his voice croaked, Chas knew how affected he was by this news, knowing he had believed her in a second. 

“He just told me, Cain,” she answered, her mind going back to the moment her son had spoken those words, her heart breaking all over again. “He just grumbled right in front of me.” She looked up at her brother again. “He wouldn’t lie about this. You know he wouldn’t.”

Cain didn’t move, didn’t make a sound. Chas took a shuddering breath. Her voice was trembling when she spoke: “I left him all alone in that house. He was just a child Cain. Just a little boy. And he did that to my son.” She couldn’t keep the heat out of her voice, an ice-cold shiver running down her spine, as her feelings were about to drown her, knowing how blind she had been. 

“How? How can I not have seen that? When he first came back he was always so angry, at me. Always so angry.” Chas took another shuddering breath, trying not to cry, but the heaviness inside her chest was telling her she wouldn’t be able to keep it in much longer. 

“And you know what the worst thing is?” she continued, her voice trembling heavy now. “I took him back. I slept with him. God, I let him touch me, the man who abused my son. I let him into my life, while I threw Aaron out. We threw him out, while he most needed me. Us. His family.” Cain’s shoulders tensed up even more, but Chas didn’t even notice as she had a hard time breathing. Memories were about to overtake her, making it impossible to breathe right, feeling like she was choking. 

“I let him touch me, kiss me, while he had raped my son.” Her voice broke, unable to speak, unable to breath, nothing. The world around her became a blur of color that melted to grey. The weight in her chest was locked in her throat. The pain in the back of her mind was too much to take. Her dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; her hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief. A lone tear traced down her cheek, and just like that, she wasn’t able to hold it back anymore. She wept, tears streaming from her dark eyes. Still she didn’t make a sound, feeling like she had no right to do so. 

Silence surrounded them, heavy and cold. It was thick, interlaced with worry, and filled by the screaming silence of sorrow.

Cain was the one who broke it, his voice a low, rough whisper: “Where’s Aaron now?”

Chas breathed in, trying to calm herself. Her eyes wavered to the ceiling, as if she could look right through it. “Upstairs. I think Robert’s with him.” 

Cain didn’t even seem upset by her statement, but maybe because of all of this, they finally came to realize it didn’t matter, not anymore. 

“And Gordon?” Cain’s voice was cold, hard, no emotions breaking through. 

Chas tried to order her thoughts, wiping away the tears from under her eyes. “He…uhm…he went to get me something special. That’s what he said.” The dark, cold shiver running down her spine, made her flinch, as she remembered Gordon could be back any moment. She didn’t know if she would be able to face him, didn’t know if she was strong enough.

“I don’t know what to do, Cain. I don’t,” her voice sounded desperate, but it was true, she didn’t know what to do, it felt as if her mind had stopped working properly. She had been going in circles for God knew how long. 

Finally, Cain turned around, and she read it there; Cain’s heart was just as broken as hers. No matter what, Aaron was still family, always would be. “You tell him to leave, okay?” Cain said, his expression turning dark. “Leave the rest to me.”

Chas swallowed but nodded silently, while her brother started moving. She followed him with her eyes. “What are you gonna do?” Chas asked worried, concern for her brother dripping through, through her voice.

“Nothing for you to worry about,” Cain answered, giving her one last glance, and without another explanation he walked towards the door, wanting to go outside, but Chas stood up from the couch and turned around. 

“Cain.” Cain stopped in the doorway, turning towards her, their eyes meeting. “Do your worst.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Are you looking forwards to the next chapter? ;p


	22. Never thought it would be you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! And I passed the 600 kudos!!! Thank you all for leaving them! 
> 
> Sorry for the long wait! ( Sounding repetitive or what ;p) No but seriously, my laptop crashed and I lost a lot of my writing. But here is the next chapter! Enjoy! <333

Robert paced in his room. It wasn't constructive, he knew that. He was beyond the point of caring, though. He was restless and worried, and despite his inevitable exhaustion of staying up this late at night, waiting for Aaron to let him know how he was doing, he was fairly certain that if he had to sit still he'd go mad.

After ten more minutes of doing nothing than just walking around, he forced himself to take a shower, not so much because he needed to, but because he was attempting to convince himself that Aaron was probably still talking to Chas or maybe had gone to bed to sleep of the turmoil of the day.

But while he was taking the shower, he still couldn’t convince himself that everything was fine and to stop worrying, so when he got out of the shower and had draped a towel around his hips, he grabbed his phone and typed a short message.

_You’re okay? How did it go?_

Robert stared at the words, thumb hovering uncertainly over the send button until the screen went dark. He swallowed, hesitated for several more seconds, and sent the text.

Robert got dressed and even though he tried to tell himself he shouldn’t be so pathetic he knew his eyes drifted off to his phone all too often.

Ten minutes later, there had been no text, or call whatsoever and Robert’s worry grew in his chest. He tried to tell himself Aaron had probably gone straight to bed after a long and obviously difficult day. It wasn't enough, though. He _knew_ it wasn't enough.

He started towards the door and then turned back indecisively half a dozen times before finally settling on what he intended to do. He grabbed his coat and moved outside.

He almost jumped up when stepped outside and a thunder sound crashed through the air. He noticed it was storming outside, the wind hauled around the B&B and the rain clattered down on the ground. But he didn’t even consider going back inside. Robert pulled the hood of his coat over his head and made his way to the Woolpack. When he finally got there, he was completely drenched. Thankfully the back door was open. He entered without a sound, opened the door that led to the back room and stuck his head around the door. Chas was sitting on the couch. Her shoulders were tense and she sat there unmoving. He pondered for a moment what he should do, if he should say something to her or not. But she clearly hadn’t heard him and Robert was frankly more concerned about Aaron than he was about Chas.

So he closed the door again and moved up the stairs, hoping that Aaron would be in his room. The storm was still raging outside and another thunderclap shook up the house. It was dark upstairs, but he could hear the unmistakable sound of someone crying. Aaron.

Robert silently opened the door to Aaron’s bedroom and noticed Aaron lay curled up on his bed. His heart ached by the sight. He noticed Aaron’s body stiffened when Robert suddenly appeared in the doorway and he curled almost further away under the blankets. Robert’s chest tightened in worry, before he pulled the hood away from his head. Aaron seemed to relax a bit more when he noticed who he was, for he stopped shaking uncontrollably. For a moment Robert didn’t know what to do and he had a deja-vu of a few weeks ago when he had found Aaron just like this on his own bed.

It was different this time though. Now the truth was out. Aaron had told his mum and him and even though it had been the hardest thing Robert had ever had to hear, he knew it made the most important difference to all those nights ago. Robert drew slowly closer and it became very apparent, even in the half-lit room, that Aaron was in a state. His face was pale and worn in some places, but flushed in others. Heavy bags hung under bloodshot eyes that were framed by dark lashes all wet from tears. Robert wanted nothing more in that moment than to pull Aaron into him and never let go of him again.

But he didn’t want to scare Aaron off, he knew he needed to give Aaron the time to adjust and to make him feel safe. So he cautiously sat down on the bed and let his eyes rest on Aaron’s face. Aaron’s eyes shot towards him and then wavered away again, as if he didn’t really know what to do or say.

"How did it go?"

Aaron's face filled with what was unmistakably hurt, before he shrugged his shoulders and it told Robert all he needed to know. Aaron was glad it was over, but also relieved he had finally released himself from this burden and had told Chas. Aaron glanced back up to Robert's face, their gazes brushing for just a moment.

Thunder ripped through the air again. The change was immediate - Aaron stiffened under Robert's gaze and his eyes unfocused as they widened. Robert struggled to keep up as the panic flooding Aaron's face sent a potent surge of fear through his own heart. The thunderclap finished off with a sound like an explosion. Aaron crumpled underneath the blankets. A choked sob escaped, then another and another, until Aaron was crying unreservedly against his pillow.

It was the storm, Robert realized as his heart ached painfully. He only realized that he had started to mumble soft words, when his voice broke the ongoing silence. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here.”

Aaron exhaled slowly as to calm himself and Robert, at a loss for what else to do, kept on mumbling non-meaningful words. As Aaron's sobs slowly began to quiet, Robert found that the gentle rumbling of his voice soothed himself almost as much as he hoped it did for Aaron.

Once Aaron was doing nothing more than breathing damply and shakily, Robert was forced to consider his next move. His default reaction to someone being deeply upset was to walk away from the situation. But he knew he couldn’t leave Aaron like this and didn’t even want to.

Robert only realized he'd stopped muttering when Aaron looked up at him. The only light in the room was coming from a lamp on the bedside table and Aaron's expression was invisible in its own shadow. Robert made a quick decision and stood up. Aaron tensed up again and moved back under the blankets as if he was trying to protect himself.

Distressing Aaron further was definitely not what Robert had intended to do, and he struggled with his impulses for a split second before he sat back down and Aaron looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Didn't mean to startle you,” Robert mumbled: “I was just going to come and sit with you."

Aaron's eyes widened in surprise for a moment, before he nodded his head and Robert knew it was all the consent he needed. Robert moved to take off his coat and shoes, before he sat himself down on the bed again.

Robert could read the fatigue on Aaron's face as they silently stared at each other in the semi-darkness. Aaron squeezed his eyes shut as the wind picked up, howling around the house and Robert frowned in worry.

"Aaron."

Aaron's eyes flew open, wet and glimmering. He focused his eyes on Robert, before he moved a bit and pulled up the blankets he was lying under. Robert moved and settled in next to Aaron, resting with his back against the pillow and his head against the headrest of the bed. They weren’t touching for a while and Robert listened to Aaron’s breathing. He waited for Aaron to make the first move, needed for Aaron to feel save.

After a few more moments, Aaron tentatively moved. First a soft hand moved to his chest and lay down there, before Aaron moved closer and his body was aligned with Robert’s. Robert told himself not to move, didn’t want to startle Aaron again. Presumably it encouraged Aaron to move even closer, his body pressing against Robert’s and laying his head down on Robert’s chest. Aaron exhaled while he slightly relaxed and Robert slowly moved his arms, to wrap around Aaron’s body and pulling him a bit closer. The younger man was trembling all over, and Robert felt as though his heart was being wrung out like a dishrag. When Aaron's breath hitched, Robert only barely hesitated before bowing his head, gathering Aaron closer and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. It hopefully wasn't too intimate, but Robert didn’t think it was as Aaron sighed and lay back down.

"It's all right," he murmured, the sound barely more than a low rumble in his chest. "I've got you." Aaron's grip on him grew tighter.

"I'm sorry," Aaron replied, his voice half a whimper. "It’s just, talking to my mum, it just brought everything back. Every single time he…” Aaron’s voice faltered for a moment, before he mumbled: “every time he hurt me, it was storming outside." He turned his face further into Robert's chest and mumbled something that sounded like, "It just triggers me." Robert slowly drew circles into Aaron’s skin.

"It’s okay," Robert replied gently. "I'm am not letting you go, okay?" Aaron made a sound of acknowledgement but no verbal reply. "Is it always like this?" Robert found himself asking, halfway through the sentence before he realized there were words coming out of his mouth.

Aaron shifted again so that he could speak audibly. "No, just, talking about it, the storm and hearing your footsteps on the stairs made it come back." His voice dropped to a whisper. "It’s stupid really." Aaron shivered, making an indecipherable wet sound as the wind roared outside.

"I’m sorry. I didn’t think," Robert apologized, finally realizing what Aaron meant and that he had brought back memories without even realizing it.

"It's not your fault," Aaron whispered, "I just want to forget about it." Aaron's fingers dug into Robert’s chest somewhat painfully, but Robert ignored the slight discomfort.

"It won’t go away you know," he murmured.

"I know. But I don’t want to talk about it again. I just can’t. I don’t want everything to change. I want everything to stay the same," Aaron whispered, tears soaked through Robert's shirt to wet his skin. Robert rubbed a hand up and down Aaron's back, carefully keeping his breathing and the movement slow until Aaron had calmed somewhat. He thought he heard another whispered apology, but ignored it in favour of replying:

"Everything has already changed, Aaron. And I’m sorry, but I can’t just forget it. I can’t just forget what you told me, pretend it didn’t happen." Aaron pulled back suddenly, his expression too muddled for Robert to make sense of. Robert let go of Aaron without another word.

"What are you saying? Do you want to get out? Do you want to quit this?" Aaron’s voice was a low rumble, filled with hurt.

“No,” Robert spoke hastily, not wanting Aaron to think any of that. “All I’m saying is that I am here, whatever you need, whatever you want to do or not do. I’ll be here. Every step of the way. I’ll be here if you want to go to the police. I’ll be here if you need to tell anyone else. I’ll just be here, whatever you decide you need to do next.”

“So what if I told you, I want to leave it? What if I told you I’ve had enough and I don’t want anybody else to know?”

Robert took in a deep breath, before he answered: “Then I’ll tell you, it’s your decision to make. So if you want to leave it alone, I’ll support you, no matter what.”

Aaron smiled lightly at him, the gratitude in his eyes and suddenly Aaron’s eyes moved down towards Robert’s lips and Robert's breath caught in his throat. Aaron's face was so close that Robert couldn't think straight. Aaron gave a trembling almost-bite to his own lip and Robert tried not to think about kissing Aaron right there and then. All of Robert's coherent thoughts promptly scattered as Aaron leaned in closer. He couldn't put any words to it, but something in Robert's chest tightened when Aaron drew near enough that Robert could feel Aaron's breath on his face.

Robert hated it, but he couldn’t do it and he moved away, moving his eyes downwards and the spell of the moment was broken as Robert looked down.

Aaron pulled back at once as if he had burned himself. “Just tell me, you don’t want me anymore.”

Robert immediately looked back up. “I do. Aaron. I just don’t want to take advantage of you. You deserve more than that.”

Aaron didn’t reply, so Robert looked into Aaron’s eyes and saw the hurt there. “Look, I don’t want to force you into anything. And if I would kiss you now, I won’t be able to stop myself.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to stop,” Aaron replied, his voice so honest, Robert’s breathing hitched in his throat.

"Aaron-” Robert started, not really sure how to react to Aaron’s words.

Aaron sighed. “Fine, just hold me then.”

When Aaron raised his head again and met Robert's eyes, Robert had a split second to wonder, somewhat stupidly, if it was possible for his heart to burst its seams with sheer affection. Then Robert nodded his head and Aaron moved quietly forwards and Robert wrapped him in his arms.

They stayed like that for some time - Aaron breathing slowly and holding on firmly, but without the edge of desperation he'd had before. Robert revelled in the feel of Aaron, warm and heavy, curled up in his arms.

It was the storm that ultimately disturbed their tranquillity, of course. The thunder began to crash more frequently, seeming to come nearer again. When Aaron began to shiver in his hold and the windows rattled in their frames, Robert made a quick decision and leaned down to murmur in Aaron's ear: "Do you want to know what I think?" Aaron gave a little tense jolt and didn't reply for just long enough that Robert began to silently worry that he shouldn’t have said anything at all.

"What?" Robert couldn't see Aaron's face from this angle, but relief washed through him at the calm note in the younger man's voice.

"I think you are very brave."

Aaron turned his face further into Robert's chest and smiled - well and truly smiled. Robert was not entirely certain why, but his heart soared nevertheless.

"Thanks."

“You know me, always speaking the truth,” Robert replied lightly.

A single laugh burst from Aaron's chest at those words, then he sniffed thickly and gave a smaller laugh. “Yeah, right.”

Robert smiled hearing Aaron’s laugh, the sound doing strange things to his heart.

When Aaron moved again and looked up, Robert murmured softly: “I do mean it though. You are the strongest person I know.”

Aaron smiled again, looking a little incredulous, then he buried his head in Robert’s shirt and Robert could feel Aaron yawn against his chest.

"Tired?" Robert's voice dipped low as he murmured the word questioningly into Aaron’s hair.

Aaron nodded slowly against his chest.

“Maybe you should get some sleep,” Robert mumbled softly.

“Stay with me?"

Why exactly that particular request made Robert's heart skip a beat and knocked the air right out of his lungs, Robert didn’t know. What he did know was that when he opened his mouth to reply, he didn’t know what to say for a moment. He balanced on knife's-edge for just a moment after gathering his thoughts, debating between an earnest reply and a light-hearted one, before deciding on a middle ground.

"No place I’d rather be," he said gently. Aaron's only response was to let one of his hands fist in the fabric of Robert's shirt.

Aaron pulled back enough to look at Robert with wide eyes. For just a few moments, his face was an indecipherable muddle of emotions, though the way his eyes lingered on Robert's face suggested he might be searching for an answer to a question that Robert had yet to learn. Then a spark lit up Aaron's eyes and Robert's mind threatened to desert him.

"I always thought you hated cuddles?" Aaron asked, the innocent sweetness of his tone cut only by the way his voice was still somewhat ragged.

Robert tried his best not to sputter and stumble over his reply, but it did not take long for him to find himself failing in that regard. Aaron gave a small, lopsided smile, then flinched as thunder ripped the air apart.

“I do like to cuddle,” Robert replied honestly, wondering why he would even confess this, already knowing deep down it was because it was Aaron he was talking to. “I always thought you didn’t,” Robert continued, a bit teasingly.

“Really?” Aaron smiled softly.

Robert chuckled but didn’t reply, before he moved and lay down on his back on the bed and crawled deeper underneath the blankets. When Robert hesitated what to do next, Aaron crawled right back into the space he had been lying in before. Aaron curled up against him and Robert pulled him into him again, while Aaron’s leg disappeared between the space of his own legs.

"Is this all right?" Aaron muffled against his chest.

The rational part of Robert's mind pointed out that Aaron just needed for him to hold him. However, that did nothing to change the pounding of his heart; neither did the knowledge, as he felt Aaron's breath ghost against his neck and he settled a hand on Aaron's body, that this was by far the most emotional attached he had ever been to anyone. Robert slid his other arm around Aaron's waist and it was clear, from the way the younger man relaxed against him, that Aaron had found his answer to his question.

"This is just fine," Robert murmured anyway. Aaron gave a little hum of contentment and wrapped an arm around Robert's waist.

"Thank you." The words were quiet, barely a puff of air against Robert's neck.

"Any time," Robert replied simply.

One of Aaron's hands sought out the one Robert had left resting on Aaron's waist, and their fingers tangled together slowly.

It was impossible to think of it as anything other than a significant moment. They had kissed, they had had sex, they had laid like this before, but it had never felt this real, never felt this true and connected. They understood each other now without too many words, they knew what the other was thinking without having to say it, they could read each other like a book and Robert had never felt like this with anyone.

When he had first met Aaron, he had never thought he would become the most important person in his life. And even after everything they had been through, or maybe because of everything they had been through, they were here. They were together and even though it would be hard, Robert knew they would find a way out of this mess.

And maybe, eventually they could finally be happy.

"Robert?"

"Hmm?" Robert just hummed. He couldn’t really explain, but he felt quite content in this moment. He felt like he could fall asleep in mere minutes.

"Nothing. Just wanted to know if you were still awake."

"Yes, I'm still here."

Aaron squeezed his hand lightly and Robert did so in return. Quiet descended over them once again. The silence was comfortable, and it entered Robert’s soul like a warm bath, soothing out the roughness of the day.

"I would like it too, you know,” Aaron suddenly spoke, breaking the continuing silence. "I never told you, but I would like it too."

"Like... what, exactly?" Robert frowned in confusion, not sure what Aaron was talking about.

Aaron cleared his throat, as if he felt a bit uncomfortable. "Live here, with you."

Robert’s mind seemed to stop working for a moment, as his heart skipped a beat after Aaron’s confession.

"You mean, you would- I mean, with me-" Robert cut himself off, and when he spoke again, it was with a soft, quiet voice: "I’d love that."

“I mean, not right now. But in the future, I’d like that,” Aaron replied softly. Robert could feel Aaron smile against his chest and Robert couldn’t help but smile himself. He remembered when he had brought this up, not even that long ago. He hadn’t really given it any more thought, hadn’t even consciously thought about it that way when he had spoken about it, but clearly Aaron had.

“I would have to get used to your grumpiness in the mornings then,” Robert said, teasingly.

Aaron gave an exaggerated humph even as he curled a tiny bit closer, his body warmth seeping into Robert’s skin. "I’d have to get used to you nicking all the sheets..."

Robert couldn’t help the smile spreading over his face. “I think you should. Can’t really control my body when I sleep.”

Aaron huffed out a laugh. “Maybe I should tie you to the bed then, if you won’t stop,” Aaron warned, the amusement covering his voice.

Robert’s head filled with images, which were hardly appropriate in a moment like this, but he couldn’t help but think about Aaron tying him to the bed when he wasn’t wearing any clothes.

Robert let out an unsteady breath. "You do know how to turn me on."

Aaron laughed softly. "I can do much more than that. And you know it."

Robert smiled lightly. “I do."

Aaron fell silent for a long moment, breath hot and damp against Robert's neck. When Aaron lifted his head up, Robert's heart jumped up just a little bit by the open look in Aaron’s eyes. When Aaron carefully disentangled their fingers, Robert couldn't quite stop the shakiness of his next breath, and for the first time he allowed himself all those feelings, for getting so attached, for showing of his soft spot, and most of all for letting himself love someone the way he loved Aaron, without hidden agendas, without pretences.

Then Aaron’s hand moved to the side of Robert’s face and cupped his jaw. Robert wasn't sure he remembered how to breathe, and he was _melting_ and he was so wrapped up in the moment he forgot how to function. When Aaron moved in this time, he let it happen, needing Aaron’s lips on his as much Aaron seemed to need it.

Robert closed his eyes the moment Aaron’s lips touched his. The kiss was gentle and brief, but heartfelt. He let the feelings wash over him, let himself go, let all the love he felt for Aaron fall into that kiss and got the same feelings from Aaron in return.

They barely parted; Robert could have sworn he could feel the heat of Aaron's flush, and he wasn't sure if the slight trembling he felt was Aaron or himself. He wished he could see the younger man's face.

"Could do that all day," Aaron confessed softly.

"I would let you, you know. If you wanted to," Robert answered half-jokingly, half honestly.

Aaron laughed softly and a warmth bloomed all through Robert's chest. "I bet you would," Aaron's tone was teasing, but Robert raised his hand and cupped Aaron's jaw, before he responded earnestly: “I would.”

Robert could feel the smile that crossed over Aaron’s face underneath his hand, Aaron's rough stubble scraped Robert's hand as smiled. "You're the only one I want here with me, really," Aaron confessed in a quiet but honest voice.

The warmth in Robert's chest burst like a flare, burning down his arms and dropping into his belly to spread down his legs. Then Aaron laid his head back down on his chest. The silence settled between them again and for a moment Robert wondered if Aaron had fallen asleep. But eventually, he heard the soft rumble of Aaron’s voice again.

“Don’t you let me go,” Aaron murmured softly.

Robert breathed in Aaron’s scent, his heart tightening in his chest and knew he wouldn’t be able to, could never let Aaron go, to see him disappear out of his life. The feelings that had settled in his chest were warm and deeper than he had ever held possible, they were more real than he had ever felt before. He felt content and loved when he was with Aaron. He felt at peace when he was close to him and it wasn’t something Robert was willing to give up.

Robert breathed in softly, before he whispered: “Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please let me now what you think. You have no idea how much it means to me! Even the smallest of comments make my day! xxx


	23. Family is everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I start off every chapter with the same thing; with an apology, because I am just so flaming slow with a new chapter. So I decided not to do that anymore ;). I just promise you all, I will finish this story, no matter how long it will take! Enjoy the new chapter! <333

Everything was blurry. For a second, he didn’t even know who or where he was. He didn't know how he got in this bed, or how he could feel a warm body pressed against his own. Then, everything hit him all at once. Everything that had happened the day before, finding out the truth about Debbie and Andy, running away from everything, the short moment with his dad, him self-harming, telling his mother the truth. He had the feeling he couldn’t breathe, it felt like all the memories were about to drown him. Then he heard a soft movement behind him and a soft hand touched his bare skin. 

And it calmed him, knowing Robert was there calmed him and his mind came to rest. If it had been anybody else, he would’ve freaked out. But somehow this touch was so familiar, it calmed him down. He let go of the breath he had been holding. He remembered the moments he had shared with Robert yesterday, what Robert had said, what he had done, how he was still here. He turned on his back, so he could look at him, his eyes wandering over Robert’s face. But his movement must’ve woken him up, cause suddenly Robert stirred and his eyes slowly opened. 

Robert smiled at him when his eyes landed on Aaron’s face. “Morning.”

Aaron just stared at Robert, while suddenly everything became way too real. Seeing Robert lying there, made him realize what they both had been through, what they had had to give up and confess to get to this point. He suddenly felt terrible for pulling Robert into his mess. “Morning,” Aaron answered eventually, when he finally found his voice again. 

There appeared a worried expression on Robert’s face as if he noticed Aaron’s mood, as if he suddenly remembered what had happened last night. “How are you?”

“Been better,” Aaron replied, trying to keep his voice light, uncaring, but he knew Robert saw right through it, although he didn’t say anything about it. And for once Aaron was glad Robert could read him so well. He had no idea how he had to explain his own feelings to Robert, when he didn’t even know what he was feeling himself. 

Robert just smiled again and said: “I wonder what your mum would say, if she knew I was here.”

Aaron huffed before he could stop himself, while his heart contracted painfully by the mention of his mother. “I don’t care what she thinks. I don’t feel the need to explain myself to her.”

Robert frowned lightly, worry in his eyes as he propped himself up on his elbow. “What has brought this on?”

Aaron shook his head once, not willing to talk about it, not willing to share his thoughts with Robert. He was so tired of talking, sharing. So he said: “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Robert’s hand touched the side of Aaron’s face and the feeling of Robert’s warm skin made Aaron look up at him. Robert was looking intently back at him. “No more secrets, okay? If we want this to work, we need to talk about things that bother us.”

“Okay.” Aaron smiled softly, reached out and pulled Robert closer for a soft kiss. Robert smiled softly into the kiss, before he kissed him back and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Robert’s hand rested below Aaron’s ear, his thumb caressing Aaron’s cheek as their breaths mingled.

When Aaron pulled back and looked at Robert, Robert was smiling lightly at him, eyes twinkling. 

Aaron was taken aback for a moment by the beauty of it and he couldn’t help it, when he opened his mouth and asked, his voice rough: “You want to get coffee?”

Robert’s smile turned into a grin. “Are you asking me out?” Robert asked, his voice amused. 

“Shut up,” Aaron answered, smiling lightly, bumping with his fist against Robert’s chest, making Robert laugh.

“Well, are ya?” Robert replied, eyes twinkling warm, voice filled with laughter. “Cause coffee sounds like a first date to me.”

“I hate you,” Aaron stated, knowing his smile was telling Robert otherwise.

“I don’t think you do,” Robert shot back teasingly.

Aaron rolled his eyes, before he pushed the sheets away from him. “Just get out of bed,” he said curtly, although he could clearly hear the amusement in his own voice. 

Robert’s warm laugh filled Aaron’s chest and he had to smile himself.

xXx

“When you said coffee, I thought you meant going to get a coffee. Not sitting at your breakfast table, making it yourself,” Robert said, as he looked at Aaron who glanced at him over his shoulder, before he turned around and continued with what he had been doing. Making coffee.

Robert couldn’t keep his eyes from Aaron’s body as Aaron moved through the kitchen in the most calming manner Robert had ever seen. Robert had seen the turmoil in Aaron’s eyes that morning when he had woken up. But seeing him like this, made Robert happy to know there was still something of the old Aaron there. “You complain a lot, you know that?” Aaron replied, his voice filled with amusement.

“Do not,” Robert argued, smirking after Aaron’s words, knowing Aaron was only teasing him.

“So do,” Aaron shot back, turning around for a moment to look at Robert, a grin on his face. 

“Shut up,” Robert laughed, eyes shining brightly. Aaron grinned back at him, his expression warm and happy, before he looked up by the sound of a door being opened, his face falling completely. Robert’s giddy mood was over too, when a familiar voice filled the suddenly icy silence. “Aaron, you’re here.”

Robert noticed Aaron cringed noticeably, by the nervous, but hopeful note in Chas’ voice. “You know what? I changed my mind. Let’s go,” Aaron said, his voice flat, as he moved to the door. Robert frowned his forehead as he stood up from his chair, trying to keep up with Aaron’s sudden mood swing. Aaron had been smiling only moments before, but now his face had closed off, his lips a thin line, his eyes filled with so many different emotions, Robert couldn’t decipher any of them. 

Aaron walked to the door, not looking up from the ground as he passed his mother, Robert following behind him.

“Where are you going?” Chas asked, her voice worried, laced with a something that sounded a lot like annoyance.

“Out,” Aaron replied curtly, still nog looking up as he grabbed his jacket and put it on.

“Aaron, can we at least talk?” Chas asked, now her voice turned a bit more pleading, a bit more desperate.

Aaron’s eyes shot to Chas for a moment before his eyes returned to the floor. “Bout what,” he asked, without making it sound like a question. It became very clear to Robert, Aaron didn’t want to have any conversation with his mother. In fact he was running away from it this very moment.

“About what you told me yesterday,” Chas said, her voice insecure, almost hurt, as if she was afraid to even bring it up. 

“Chas, I don’t think…” Robert started, knowing Aaron just wanted to leave, but he was interrupted by a snarl from Chas.

“Keep out of this.” Her eyes were filled with fire as they focused on him and Robert had to clench his jaw not to snap back at her. She focused her attention back on her son, her expression changing completely. “Aaron, I just…I am so sorry, for not being there. For throwing you out. I am just so sorry.”

Aaron’s face clouded over completely and Robert knew Aaron didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened. “Mum, I know you mean well. I just can’t do this right now.”

Aaron almost turned around to walk away, when Chas sputtered: “But-”

Robert noticed Aaron’s shoulders stiffened and he set his jaw and he knew Chas had opened something Aaron had buried deep inside of him. Aaron focused his attention back on his mother, his voice harsher than before: “You left me. You threw me out when I most needed ya. I can’t just…”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know what he did,” Chas interrupted, her voice climbing a few octaves. Chas’ face was filled with hurt after Aaron’s words.

Aaron shook his head and he looked like he realized his mother was missing the whole point he was trying to make and Robert could almost feel the hurt radiating from Aaron’s body. “That’s not what this is about. I wish that for once in your life you would have chosen my side. To have been there for me no matter what others might’ve thought. But you didn’t. And I can’t let it slide. I can’t…not after everything.” Robert noticed tears welling up in Aaron’s eyes. “You have no idea how it felt. To be standing there all on my own,” the pain in Aaron’s voice made Robert cringe inwardly, as he just stood there, not knowing what to say. 

Chas just stared at Aaron for a few moments and Robert could see the unshed tears in her eyes. For a second he even felt sorry for her. “I didn’t know you were so mad about this,” Chas said, her voice soft.

“I’m not mad,” Aaron replied and Robert believed Aaron’s words in a heartbeat. Aaron breathed out slowly, his voice low and rough, a muddle of emotions visible on his face. “I just feel like I can’t trust ya. Not like that.” Aaron breathed in, before he mumbled softly: “I just need some time.”

“I can give you time. Of course I can,” Chas said immediately, as if Aaron had just offered her an olive branch, grasping onto it, knowing it was the only thing she could do. “And I will show you, I can change, I can be a better mum.”

Aaron didn’t reply. Robert noticed Aaron couldn’t even look at his mum, before he realized Aaron was looking at him with a pleading and hurt expression on his face. “Are we going?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Robert answered, keeping his voice soft, caring. 

Aaron just nodded, before he said, voice still rough: “Just give me a sec. Need to grab my wallet from upstairs.” Robert knew it was partly an excuse from Aaron, as he just needed a moment for himself, to get his emotions back under control.

As Aaron turned around and left the room, an awkward silence filled the room, as Robert and Chas tried to ignore each other. Robert had no idea what he had to say, didn’t even know if he could say something right now. Everything was so fresh, so painful. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to make Chas feel better. It might be a bit uncaring, but in this moment he felt like Chas was getting everything that was coming to her. He was even a bit proud Aaron had finally told her the truth, about how much she’d really hurt him. Because that was what she had done when she had thrown her own son out of his home. When their eyes met, Chas raised her eyebrows and Robert rolled his eyes internally, before he said: “I’ll wait outside.” He turned around and made his way to the door. 

“You’re good for him.”

Robert faltered and turned around, blinking around her statement, not having expected those words ever rolling from Chas’ lips. 

“Sorry?”

Chas’ eyes were focused on Robert’s face, her eyes piercing into Robert’s. “I don’t like you. I don’t know why, can’t really put my finger on it. You have this arrogance about you.”

Robert sniffed and answered sarcastically: “That’s flattering thanks.”

Chas’ eyes darkened for a moment, before she continued: “But if it wasn’t for you, I don’t know what would have happened. So thank you for being there for him.”

“The way you haven’t been there for him, you mean,” Robert couldn’t help but say, not even sure where his bitterness was coming from.

“Yes. No need to be so cocky. I’m well aware of my mistakes,” Chas snarled, but her words were laced with something Robert could only describe as shame. 

It made Robert understand her a bit better, realizing it must’ve been almost as hard for her to hear Aaron tell her Gordon had raped him as it had been for him to hear it. Maybe this was her way of thanking him, for being there when she hadn’t been. 

“I’ll always be there for him Chas. He means the world to me,” Robert therefor said, knowing how true his own words were when he said them. 

Chas just stared at him for a few moments before she answered, her voice honest: “I know he does. Just keep him safe, yeah? I told Gordon to go the moment he came back yesterday and to never come back, but since Aaron doesn’t want me to…” Chas cleared her throat before she continued: “We can’t let that monster hurt him ever again.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen,” Robert said honestly and determined, before he was disturbed by footsteps on the stairs and Aaron reappeared again. 

“You’re ready?” Aaron asked, putting his wallet in his back pocket.

“Yeah,” Robert replied, with one last look at Chas, before turning around and giving Aaron a smile. “Let’s go.”

Aaron frowned as if he had picked up on the tension in the room, but apparently he decided to let it slide as his face smoothed out and he just turned around to walk out of the door, Robert moments behind him. 

xXx

They were walking through the village, both with a coffee in their hands. Robert had told Aaron that Chas told Gordon to leave and it had brought some of the calmness back to Aaron which had been there this morning. He knew it was a bit of a relieve for Aaron that Gordon wasn’t there anymore. 

As they made their way through the village it became apparent to Robert, Aaron’s family had seemed to have accepted Aaron back into the family and Robert suspected it had everything to do with the fact Andy had turned himself in. They had passed Zak on their way to the café and had crossed paths with Lisa and Sam inside the café. All three had been kind, had stopped for some small talk and had continued their way. And Robert had realized that now Andy was behind bars and Debbie had gotten her judgement, they had decided to forgive Aaron for going behind their backs and sleeping with him, even though they had ignored Robert point blank when they had talked to Aaron. 

It made Robert realize, he hadn’t been in contact with his family whatsoever, after Andy had turned himself in. He hadn’t really taken the time to sit and talk to Victoria or Diane. He hadn’t tried to make amends yet. He knew he had been too caught up in Aaron’s struggles, but he felt a little guilty he hadn’t even taken the time to check up on them. 

“What are you thinking about?”

Robert looked up when he heard Aaron’s voice, before he looked into the distance again. “Nothing.”

He could see Aaron raised his eyebrows from the corner of his eye. “No more secrets remember,” Aaron said, reminding Robert of his own words he had spoken that morning. 

Robert’s lips curled into a faint smile. “Says the one who didn’t tell me anything this morning.”

“I did tell ya eventually,” Aaron pointed out, as Aaron had explained himself and his outburst to his mother when they had made their way to the café. Aaron had a hard time getting over the fact Chas had just abandoned him. He knew she hadn’t known about Gordon, but it still hurt him, she hadn’t even made the effort of talking to him. She had just brought his belongings to Paddy, hadn’t even taken a moment to call him or text him. Nothing. It had broken Aaron’s heart. Robert understood that more than he could ever say.

“Yes, after you yelled it at your mother this morning. A warning would’ve been nice,” Robert replied, smiling lightly, his voice calm. 

“Sorry,” Aaron said apologetic.

Robert bumped with his shoulder into Aaron’s, not mad in the slightest. “Don’t worry about it.”

Aaron smiled up at him and nodded, before he sat himself down on a bench and Robert sat down beside him.

The silence between them was somehow comforting and spoke for itself, it was peaceful in a way where Robert felt at ease and no words were needed to fill the ongoing silence. Robert loved how they could just enjoy each other’s company without having to say a word. 

Robert’s mind wandered off to when Andy had said goodbye to Victoria and Diane. He remembered the hurt in their eyes, the tears on Victoria’s face. He should’ve gone back to see how they had been doing. But from the moment he had left that house with Andy, he had had other things on his mind. 

“So? What’s going on?” Aaron asked, when he had taken another sip from his drink and Robert knew Aaron wasn’t going to let this one slide.

Robert shook his head and looked to the ground, feeling slightly embarrassed by his own thoughts, not sure how to put it into words. “It’s stupid,” he eventually just mumbled.

“Tell me,” Aaron commented, his voice soft, no real command in his voice, just slight concern.

“It’s just…this morning, seeing you with Zak and then with Lisa and Sam, I just wish I could make amends with my family, that’s all,” Robert confessed softly.

“What’s stopping you?” Aaron asked, as if he was trying to understand what was going on inside Robert’s head.

Robert sighed wearily. “It’s not as easy as that, Aaron. I’ve always been the outsider. Always wanted to show them I could be more than what they thought I could be. But dad…he never loved me the way he loved Andy or Victoria. I knew he couldn’t…” Robert could feel the familiar weight settling in his chest. It was always like that when he thought about his father, knowing what his father had thought of him, how he had seen him. 

“Why?”

“He knew,” Robert just replied, voice soft and low. He could hear the crack in his own voice from the emotions he was trying to hold in. 

Aaron frowned in confusion. “Knew what?”

“That I’m bisexual.” Robert took in a trembling breath of air when he had finally said it out loud. Almost feeling something terrible could happen any moment, because he had finally told someone, had finally been brave enough to say the word out loud. He hadn’t only admitted it to Aaron, he had finally told himself the truth as well. But nothing happened, Aaron was still there, sitting next to him, without prejudice or judgement on his face. 

Still the uncomfortable feeling that always arose when someone came even near that subject was still there. And he knew all of it led back to that one moment, all those years ago. Robert tried to order his thoughts, before he breathed in deeply and said: “He knew…He knew since I was fifteen.” Robert’s voice faltered when the memories from all those years ago came back to him. “He found me in my room with this lad who worked with us on the farm. He fired him, leathered me and we never talked about it again. But I knew…I knew that every time he punished me, it was because of that. Every time he looked at me, I knew what he thought, what he saw. He didn’t want to have a son like me.”

He took a sideward glance at Aaron and saw the sad, worried, almost pitiful look in Aaron’s eyes, which was almost too hard to take. So he looked away again, staring at the point in the distance he had been staring at for the last few minutes. 

“That’s why I hated Andy so much,” Robert continued: “Because he was everything my father wanted for a son.” That was the whole truth, everything where it had eventually led down to. He had wanted to be in Andy’s shoes so much, to get the recognition Andy had always gotten from his father. But deep inside he knew he would never have gotten it. Just because of who he was. 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron mumbled, his voice so sincere the words contracted painfully in Robert’s chest and he felt like his emotions were about to drown him, tears stinging in his eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” Robert just replied, his voice hoarse. 

“No, I’m sorry your father couldn’t see how amazing you are,” Aaron replied, his eyes shining with emotions.

Robert let go of a shaky breath, Aaron’s words meaning more to him than Aaron could imagine. 

“Talk to Andy,” Aaron continued, his voice a bit stronger now. “Tell him what you just told me.”

“No,” Robert replied, shaking his head at once. The thought alone made Robert’s stomach turn around. To show his weakness like that, he couldn’t do that. 

“Why not?” Aaron replied. 

Robert set his jaw, trying to hold back the tears. “After everything that has happened between us, I can’t just…” Robert moved his hands over his face, as if he could remove his feelings that way. “I have never told anyone, knowing what they would think of me…” Robert breathed in, suddenly remembering what had happened only yesterday. “Besides, I put him in there, I don’t think he would want to listen to my sad story.”

“No you didn’t put him there. He did,” Aaron answered at once. “You’re not responsible for his actions.”

Aaron sighed when Robert didn’t answer. “Look, I can’t make you do something you don’t want. But how can you move on, if you can’t let go of the past?” Aaron bit his lower lip, before he continued softly: “It helped me, telling my mum. Maybe I can move on now, now the truth is out there. Maybe it can be the same for you.”

Robert’s eyes wavered to Aaron and while his eyes rested on the man he loved he realized he had really nothing left to lose. He had wanted to be perfect so much, even as a little kid, he had wanted to do right by his family, to let them know he was good enough to be loved and it killed him, that he still wasn’t in the eyes of his family. Maybe if he told Andy, they could finally make peace with their past. Maybe it was time to release himself from this burden he had walked around with for so long. Maybe it was time to put the past behind him. “You really think I should go there? You would be okay with that?”

“It’s not about me,” Aaron replied, still looking at Robert with an unwavering stare. “If it helps you to talk to him, talk to him.”

Robert smiled a sad, but real smile. He had never had this kind of support in his life. It was an incredible feeling. “You are the amazing one, you know that?”

A soft smiled appeared on Aaron’s face, a colour appearing on his cheeks. “Shut up.”

xXx

Robert went inside the complex slow, silent. The air inside was different, and for a moment he was unable to put his finger on why. Then it occurred to him, it smelled like disinfectant, but it couldn’t really hide the smell of male sweat, bad plumbing, festering dustbins, and even a hint of urine. But the smell wasn't the worst of it. This place was just walls, walls and small cramped rooms. 

As Robert was led into the visitors room, Robert stood completely still as it suddenly hit him where he was as his gaze wavered through the room, looking at the guards, the prisoners and their family or friends. The lighting was artificial. For a moment Robert wondered how long someone had to spend in here to forget what a tree looked like or the feel of the wind on a stormy day. When the door closed behind him it was loud, one heavy chunk of metal and he heard the bolts slid home so pointlessly. Each new minute felt like an hour, as Robert’s eyes landed on his brother who wasn’t even looking at him, was in fact looking down at his own hands.

Robert took in a deep breath as he made his way towards his brother. He didn’t say a word before he sat down in front of him. But even as Robert sat down, Andy didn’t look up. 

“Hiya,” Robert muttered, not really knowing what to say, or what he was even doing here. 

Andy looked up by the sound of Robert’s voice and the look in Andy’s eyes hit Robert like a blow to the stomach. Andy gazed at him with eyes barely alive. As if everything in the world suddenly had ceased to exist somehow. The only thing Andy was attuned to were the thoughts in his mind. The rest of the world wasn't there anymore. Nothing mattered right now for him. He had given up because there had been nothing else for him to do. Cold shivers ran down Robert’s spine even thinking about that. “What are you doing here?” Andy asked after a very long silence.

“I came to see how you were doing,” Robert replied, his own voice hoarse, not sure how to handle this.

“I’ve been better. Prosecution starts next week, other than that I know nothing.” 

Robert realized this was going to be the first of his many visits to his brother, knowing his brother would probably not be getting out any time soon. He was imprisoned. Awaiting prosecution. He had admitted he had raped Debbie. He was trapped in a room with no windows, no table, no chair. Not even one thing that might comfort him. Robert would hire a good lawyer. But Robert also knew, Andy needed to go down for this. He needed to be punished for it. He had never been this torn in his life. He hated what Andy had done, felt sick to the stomach when he thought of it, could hardly look at his brother when he remembered it. But he still loved the person Andy could be, knowing he was in there somewhere. 

“Andy…” Robert started, still not sure what to say, what to do in the face of this. He had come here to clear the air between them, to finally tell the truth to why he had treated Andy the way he had been doing for all those years. But he couldn’t, somehow he couldn’t get the words over his lips. 

“What?” Andy asked, frowning his forehead.

“There’s…” And Robert looked around him, before his eyes focused themselves on Andy’s face. This place was terrible and he suddenly remembered the moment Andy had confessed to what he had done. The moment Robert had convinced him to go and talk to Debbie. The guilt felt like ice in his veins when he realized he was partly to blame for his brother being in here right now. A cold shiver ran down his spine. It could’ve been a hundred degrees out and he'd still be frozen on the inside. He couldn't melt it on his own, he couldn't shift it at all. He needed for his brother to be there with him, that he could walk out of here with his brother next to him. He needed for his brother to tell him that it wasn’t true.

But he knew that was vain hope. It was about time he faced the truth; that his brother had done one of the most horrific things in the world and there was no way Robert would be able to take that away. Andy had to take responsibilities for his actions. 

“I know I deserve to be in here. After what I did…” Andy took in a deep breathe. “But I can’t help but think what would’ve happened if you hadn’t asked me to come with you to Debbie, if I had just waited for the judges to decide…” Hearing Andy talk about it like that, made Robert’s stomach turn and it made him feel as if he was betraying Aaron by even listening to it. 

“You can’t think that. You did this, hurt her,” Robert interrupted, having no idea what he was doing or feeling at the moment. 

Andy just nodded his head. “I know. I belong here, I know that. I know it’s terrible to think like that, I just can’t help it.”

Robert swallowed loudly, thinking about why he had come here in the first place. And Robert looking at his brother made him realize there was no way he could make himself say it. Right now, there was no way talking about their past was going to bring anything else but hurt and heartache. He shouldn’t have come here, the realization of what had happened lately hitting him too hard to even breathe properly. 

“This was a mistake,” Robert mumbled softly. When he looked up at Andy he realized Andy hadn’t even heard his words, as he was staring over Robert’s shoulder at something Robert couldn’t see. When Robert looked over his shoulder, he just noticed a man pulling his eyes from Andy’s face. 

Robert was about to open his mouth, but Andy beat him to it: “How’s Vic?”

“I don’t…” Robert frowned his forehead, when he realized what he was about to say. “She’s hanging in there,” he continued, knowing full well he had no idea whatsoever if that was even true. 

“Could you tell her I said Hi? And maybe she could…you know, visit me?”

Robert nodded before he stood up, suddenly feeling as if he couldn’t stay here any longer. He turned around and walked away. His heart was beating against his chest, he felt like crying, couldn’t even breathe properly. But he wasn’t going to cry, not in a place like this. 

He just wanted to get out. Get out and never look back.

xXx

Robert entered the pub. He could hardly believe how much visiting Andy had rattled him. He could hardly admit it to himself, but he was shaken to the bone. He stopped in his tracks when he noticed Aaron sitting at one of the tables, with his sister.

“What’s this?” Robert snapped as he stood still in front of them, knowing deep down his reaction didn’t really have anything to do with the people in front of him. Robert noticed Aaron and Victoria shared a look, which made Robert more worked up than he already was. “Well?” Aaron stood up and moved away from the table to stand in front of him. 

“I invited her,” Aaron said, an awkward, almost guilty look on his face. Robert opened his mouth to reply, but Aaron beat him to it: “And before you get mad, I think you should talk.”

Robert clenched his jaw and his eyes darted to his sister, remembering the last time her name had been spoken out loud.

His eyes drifted back to Aaron when Aaron asked: “You okay? How did it go?” Robert noticed the concern in Aaron’s eyes and his frowned brow. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Robert just answered, not willing to discuss it in the middle of the pub with his sister right there. 

“You sure? You don’t look fine,” Aaron said, his voice turning even more worried and Robert remembered Aaron knew him too well, could read him so easily nowadays.

Robert’s eyes wavered to Victoria again, who was looking at her glass, biting her lip. His eyes wavered back to Aaron who was looking back at him with a concerned expression on his face. “I’ll tell ya later, yeah?” He nodded with his head in the direction of his sister and Aaron seemed to get he didn’t want to talk about it with Victoria right there. 

“Okay, yeah,” Aaron replied, smiling sympathetically at him, before he started to move passed him.

Robert could just grab him, before Aaron was out of reach. Aaron tensed up when Robert touched him and Robert let go at once, realizing he had scared Aaron by touching him like that, realizing Aaron was still more rattled about Gordon than he had been showing. “Where you going?”

Aaron just stared back at him. “You don’t need me there.” Robert could only stare at him in disbelieve, not completely comprehending what Aaron was talking about. Aaron didn’t move but just looked up at him with a serious expression on his face. “Just talk to her.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, Robert reading in Aaron’s eyes what he was unable to say with Victoria right there. Robert sighed and nodded his head once. Aaron nodded his head as well before he turned around, leaving the pub.

He looked after Aaron until Aaron had left the pub, before his eyes moved to his sister again. She looked up at him, with big brown eyes, her expression filled with emotions. “I know you don’t want to talk to me,” she said. “I know you’re mad and you have every right to be. I just… I miss you. I miss my brother.”

Robert couldn’t just walk away after her words, so he sat down next to her, in the spot Aaron had been sitting only moments before. “And I miss you,” he confessed.

A small, sad smile crossed Victoria’s features. “How are you?” Victoria asked, her voice wavering a bit, as if she was unsure what to say. It made Robert relax a little bit more, knowing she really had missed him.

“I’m good. How are you holding up?” he asked, not even really thinking about the lie he just told. He wasn’t good. He was far from good, but he wasn’t going to worry his sister with it. 

Victoria sighed and looked down at her hands. “I’m not sure. It’s just a bit much, isn’t it? I can’t believe he is really in there. And he can’t get out.” Her voice was filled with hurt and Robert’s heart went out to her.

“I know,” he just replied.

“Have you been to see him? Aaron told me you were planning to,” Victoria said, her eyes searching his face for an answer.

“Yes, I have.” Robert tried to suppress the memories in his head. It was too fresh to deal with.

“How was it?” Victoria asked.

“It’s…” Robert started, knowing he could never put it into words. 

“What? What?” Victoria asked, her eyes big and Robert realized he had worried her. “Tell me,” she begged when Robert didn’t say anything. 

“Nothing. Nothing for you to worry about,” was the only thing Robert was able to say. He didn’t want to tell Victoria what was bothering him. He didn’t want to worry her. She had too much to deal with already. 

“You sure?” Victoria asked, still looking slightly upset.

“Yeah. He’s fine.” Robert took a breath, before he smiled at his sister. “He asked about you. And I thought that maybe you wanted to see him.”

Victoria’s eyes clouded over with hurt at once and worry lurched through Robert’s system.  
“Hey, what’s up?” Robert asked.

“Nothing,” Victoria answered, shaking her head, smiling encouragingly at him, but he knew something was wrong when she looked away from him and her face fell. 

“Tell me what’s wrong Vic,” Robert said, a little demanding, his voice filled with concern. 

Victoria took a trembling breath of air and Robert knew she was at the brink of tears. “It’s Adam and me. It’s not going so well. We fought over Andy. He thinks I shouldn’t visit him, that he isn’t worth the hassle. He just doesn’t understand that he is still my brother.” 

Robert clenched his jaw by hearing Adam’s name, knowing he had hurt his sister. He draped his arm around his sister and pulled her into him. She lay her face on his chest and sighed quietly. “He can’t tell you what to do Vic. It’s your decision to make,” Robert said into Victoria’s hair. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Victoria mumbled.

“I think you do, don’t you?” Robert replied calmly.

When Victoria looked up at him, he read the answer in her eyes. 

xXx

As Aaron walked outside the pub, leaving Robert and Victoria to talk properly, he almost walked into his best friend, who was looking at the ground. “Adam! You gave me a scare there mate. Watch were you’re going, yeah?” Aaron said lightly, teasingly. 

Aaron’s smile glided from his face, when he noticed the hurt look on Adam’s face. “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s that obvious, is it,” Adam replied, sighing. He started to walk and Aaron was quick to follow in his footsteps. He set his pace next to Adam’s. They didn’t say a word for a while, just kept on walking. Aaron didn’t feel the need to talk, knowing Adam just needed some time to tell him what was wrong. Adam was looking straight ahead, hands buried deep inside his pockets, a sad look on his face.

“It’s Vic,” Adam eventually said, face clouding over even more. Aaron didn’t say anything, just waited for Adam to continue.

“We had this big row over Andy. She shouldn’t visit him, man. After what he did…I just can’t believe she still wants to.”

Aaron didn’t answer, wasn’t even sure what he had to say.

Eventually Adam glanced at him and asked: “What about Robert?”

Aaron frowned in confusion, trying to understand what Robert had to do with any of it. “What about him?”

“I am sure he wants to visit him, as he has been defending him all that time,” Adam answered, his eyes still focused on Aaron’s face. 

Aaron looked in the distance. “He did.”

“How do you mean?” Adam asked, frowning his forehead in confusion.

“He visited him today. I told him he should,” Aaron confessed.

“Where did you do that for?” Adam cried out, his eyebrows raised in utter disbelieve. “I can’t imagine I could let Vic visit him. So how could you?”

Aaron buried his hands in his pockets, looking straight on. “It’s not about you or me. It’s about how they feel.”

“What? Is that what you told Robert?” Adam replied, his voice still filled with disbelieve. 

“I am not happy about it, okay,” Aaron grumbled, not liking the way his best friend was looking at him right now; as if he had completely lost his mind. “Hell, I wish he would never want to see him again. After what he did to Debbie… But I am not stupid. I know how much this has hurt him. So if he wants to visit him, I am not going to stop him.”

Adam huffed. “You are a better man than I am.”

Aaron smiled lightly, before he said: “Not better, just easier to deal with.”

“Nice one, mate,” Adam replied, poking Aaron in his ribs, making Aaron laugh out loud as he moved out of reach of Adam’s poking fingers. 

When they both had stopped laughing, Adam asked: “So, you and Robert, that’s the real deal then?”

Aaron smiled lightly, hearing Robert’s name, his cheeks warming up as well. “Looks like it, yeah,” he answered, truthfully, a warmth filling his chest, still hardly believing himself it was actually true.

“I’m chuffed for ya man, you deserve some happiness,” Adam replied, as he put his arm around Aaron’s shoulders and pulled him into him. “Even though he is a bit of a pillock,” Adam continued teasingly. 

“Watch it there,” Aaron warned, as he pushed his fist against Adam’s ribs and pushed himself away from Adam’s embrace. Adam was grinning widely now, while Aaron just shook his head and smiled lightly.

Adam’s arm reappeared as soon as Aaron had pushed him off. “Come on, let’s get a pint,” Adam said, as he pulled Aaron with him. 

They were making their way back, joking around when Aaron noticed something in the distance. Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion, wondering what it could be. He bumped into Adam’s shoulder and nodded his head. They hastily made their way over there and when they came closer Aaron realized it was a car, a car with the two front doors opened, parked at the wrong side of the road. When they almost reached it, Aaron noticed it had ran into a tree, and the car was completely ruined at the front. 

Aaron froze to the spot when he suddenly realized who’s car it was, while Adam inspected the car by looking inside it and looking under and around it. He could feel the rushing of his blood in his ears, his heart beating fast against his chest. “Nothing mate. As if the person who drove it just walked away,’ Adam said, as he came back from his small search. 

Cold shivers ran down Aaron’s spine while all he could do was stare at the car, his mood clouding over. He knew something was wrong, knew something was terribly wrong. The car had ran into a tree, as if someone had suddenly pulled at the steering wheel to change its course. 

Aaron scanned his surroundings but saw no one around. Nobody in the grass or anywhere else. There was no one there. 

A terrible feeling settled in Aaron’s chest. “We need to get back.”

Adam looked taken aback by Aaron’s words. “What?”

“We need to get back. Now.”

Before Adam even had the time to answer, Aaron was already making his way home. Fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you excited to know what happens next? Please, let me know what you think! It really means so much to me if you do <333


	24. Unforgiving deeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with a new chapter! Thank you so much for sticking by me! I have passed the 700 kudos! You won't believe how happy that makes me! Thank you to everyone who left them! It means a lot! <333
> 
> Warning: violence and descriptions of sexual assault

Aaron was out of breathe when he finally made it back home. He gasped for air, but it didn’t stop the pounding in his ears, putting him even more on edge as he entered the house and found his mother in the kitchen.

She turned around at once when she heard him enter and she opened her mouth to say something but Aaron cut her off.

“What did you do?” Aaron commanded, gasping for air as he glared at his mother, rage building up inside of him.

“Sorry?” Chas looked a little taken aback, but also sounded slightly annoyed, probably because of the way her son was talking to her. But at this moment Aaron couldn’t give a damn.

“What did you do? Who did you tell?” he continued, demanding an answer, his voice harsh.

“Sorry love, I don’t follow.” But it was written all over her face and Aaron was sure she knew really well where he was talking about.

“Don’t you dare lie to me now,” Aaron yelled, his eyes darkening. “Who did you tell? Cain?”

Chas didn’t answer, but Aaron read the answer in her eyes and the horror settled in his chest.

“You have no idea what you have done!” he cried out, his head going into overdrive. The one thing he had been dreading for years was coming true. It was as if he had woken up in his worst nightmare.

“I am well aware of what I did,” Chas shot back, her eyes glistering with something Aaron couldn’t quite place.

“I made it perfectly clear to you when I told you the truth that I didn’t want anyone else to know! And what do _you_ do?! You go and tell Cain of all people!” Aaron replied heated, feeling betrayed by his own mother.

“Yes! Because it broke my heart!” Chas cried out, looking just as upset as Aaron was feeling right now. “He found me and I was upset and he was there! So yes I told him. I told him to do his worst!”

Aaron couldn’t believe what he was hearing, for a moment he even thought he didn’t hear it right. But when his mother’s words sank in, cold shivers ran down his spine, realizing what she had done, what it meant. “You have no idea what you have done. You don’t know what he is capable of,” his voice trembled as he spoke.

“But I know what my brother is capable of,” Chas replied, her voice turning to ice.

Aaron’s heart seemed to have stopped beating for a moment, as he was frozen to the place after Chas’s words. He was well aware what she meant by that, knowing what Cain must be up to, knowing it was going to end badly, every badly if he wouldn’t intervene. He couldn’t deal with knowing what his uncle had done. He couldn’t take any more of this.

He turned around and walked to the door, vaguely noticing Adam was standing in the doorway, breathing heavily. But he ignored him, not even glancing at him, as he made his way to the door.

“Aaron! Aaron! Where are you going?!” Chas screamed after him, her voice filled with despair.

“Go and find him,” Aaron replied, as he passed Adam and opened the back door to walk outside.

“You won’t find him,” Chas said, slightly out of breathe as she must have ran after him, Adam standing behind her. But there was something in her eyes, a determination which made Aaron suspicious at once.

“You know?” he asked, his voice trembling with contained emotions. “You know where he is?”

When he looked into her eyes, he saw the answer there.

“You are gonna tell me,” Aaron said, his voice low and dangerous. “If you care about me one bit you are gonna tell me where he is right now.”

xXx

Aaron looked from the window to the outside world which passed by quickly enough. He was tensed up, his body rigid by every move of the car, his eyes focused on the road in front of him.

He knew his journey was coming to an end, when the warehouse appeared in front of him. The houses had given way to empty barren road a full twenty minutes ago and the verge became more of a junkyard. The old machinery lined the road covered in dirt and scavenged into skeletons of whatever they were. He forced his mind back into the present so he could take in its form. It had a curved roof like an aircraft hanger and the walls were corrugated tin. The broken tarmac around it was empty except for a single car which he recognized immediately.

“Stop. It’s here,” he said, his voice rough.

Adam stopped at once, his gaze on the warehouse in front of them. They sat in silence for a moment as they both stared at the building in front of them. Aaron didn’t move, an unnamed emotion keeping him in his seat.

“So are you gonna tell me what this is all about?” Adam eventually asked, his eyes darting towards his best friend.

Aaron didn’t answer, didn’t even know how to explain what was happening without telling Adam everything. And he couldn’t, he couldn’t explain it once again. He took in a deep breathe, but didn’t take one single glance at Adam, just kept staring at the large building in front of them.

“Who did Cain kidnap?” Adam continued, when he realized he wasn’t going to get an answer from Aaron.

Aaron clenched his jaw, trying to fight the cold feeling inside of his chest that was about to grip him by the throat.

“It’s none of your business,” he rasped curtly.

Adam’s eyes were wavering over Aaron’s face, trying to read him, still Aaron didn’t look up. “Come on man, if you’re in trouble you can tell me. Maybe I can help.”

Aaron’s throat seemed to lock up. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? What’s so terrible, it’s so hard for you to talk about it?” A deep frown had appeared on Adam’s forehead, as if every single of Aaron’s answers made him even more confused.

His gaze shifted to his best friend for a moment, before he looked down at his hands and said: “Look Adam, I need you to do as I say alright? No questions asked.”

Adam’s eyes wavered over his friend’s face for a moment, before he answered: “Of course, whatever you need.”

When Aaron looked up again, finally looking Adam in the eye. “Go home. Drive away.”

Adam’s expression changed from taken aback to determined in a few seconds. “I am not just gonna leave you here! Not knowing what is going on!”

Aaron’s heart tightened by the care in Adam’s voice, wishing in that moment he was able to tell Adam everything. “Please, just…just go.” He hated how his voice trembled.

Adam just stared at him, shaking his head, as if he couldn’t believe what Aaron was asking from him.

“I mean it, Adam,” Aaron continued.

Adam’s eyes searched Aaron’s face once more, before he clenched his jaw and said: “Okay, fine. But you promise you will get out of there alive.”

“Yeah, course I will.” Aaron knew it was an empty promise and when he looked at Adam, he was sure Adam knew that as well.

Aaron read the turmoil of emotions in his friends eyes and felt terrible for not telling him anything, for asking him to leave, for taking him with him in the first place. Adam had been so determined to go with him when his mum had finally told him where Cain was. Adam took in a deep breath and said: “Good.” He was still frowning and his eyes looked sad when he opened his arms and added: “Now come here.”

Aaron scooted a bit closer and embraced his best friend. The hug was a simple gesture. The arms that held him were soft, yet strong. The feel of Adam’s embrace soothed him more than he had expected. But within seconds he pulled away, his mind swimming with the upcoming trial.

They nodded at each other, not saying one single word, before Aaron turned around and opened the car door. Aaron stepped out of the car, before he focused his eyes on the dark looming building in front of him. He took a deep breath and made his way to the warehouse, as Adam’s engine came back to life and his best friend drove away.

xXx

He was breathing heavily when he had finally reached a door that led into the warehouse. Not from the haste to get there or fatigue, nor from lack of physical capability. From fear. Genuine fear. He stood in front of the warehouse in the cool midnight air, knowing that whatever he would find inside would rattle him from the inside out. Cain had parked his car in the front of the door he was now standing in front of and it took Aaron all of his courage to open de small door, next to the heavy metal roll-up door. The wind gently brushed his hair and grazed his face, almost soothingly.  
Aaron took another deep breath and stepped inside, making sure to softly close the door behind him. He didn’t want to pull attention to himself.

Other than the noise of the generator, the room was a silent concrete box. He began to walk, taking one ragged breath after another, his shaking legs putting on a strong facade. What was he even doing? He wasn’t supposed to be here. Still he knew he didn’t want to have anything that was probably happening right now, on his conscience. As he approached a corner to another room, he heard soft hissing and he slowed his pace, peering round it just enough to see Cain leaning over a man sitting on a chair, bound to it. After his mind had registered the thing that he had dreaded he would find, the fear kicked in at an overwhelming rate, his heart pounding and his breaths hitching. Aaron tried to work up the courage to round that corner, knowing they couldn't see him right now due to the lack of light.

He balled his hands into fists. He could do this. He wasn’t going to walk away from this now. He could face it. He had no other choice. He took one last breath and stepped into their eye sight. They didn’t notice him at once, but as he started walking towards them, his footsteps echoing through the room, his father looked up from the chair he was bound to.

“Looks like we’ve got company,” he rasped, a grin appearing on his face, which made Aaron’s blood run cold, almost making Aaron turn around and run. Gordon’s face was bloodied, scratched and bruised.

Startled by Gordon’s words, Cain turned around to face the place where Aaron was standing.

The hardness on Cain’s face flickered a bit, and Gordon grinned savagely. “Oh yeah, there he is. You’re here to enjoy the show? Your uncle is quite the man, kidnapping a helpless man. It’s hardly fair is it. So Aaron, be a good boy and untie me, yeah?”

Cain’s fist smashed into Gordon’s face like a battering ram, Gordon’s head jerking back by the sudden impact.

It was certainly not the first blow of many. Gordon grinned and bore it.

It was as disgusting as it was pitiful and Aaron’s stomach turned.

And all Gordon could do was laugh, his eyes moving to his son, until Gordon was looking directly into his eyes. “The fuck are you looking at, cocksucker?”

Breath got stuck in Aaron’s throat as his father’s words sank in. The words cut deeper than anything had ever done. He had believed for so long, his father had turned him gay, it had taken so much time for him to look past those thoughts. How it had disgusted him, how he had hated himself for it. How his own struggles had cost a lot of people so much grief.

There was blood bubbling on Gordon’s lips, but he only laughed harder. “See? Not even man enough to tell his father otherwise. You disgust me.” Gordon spit the blood out of his mouth, on the floor, and Aaron knew it was meant for him. It made Aaron cringe inwardly.

“You shut up! Shut the fuck up!” Cain swung his leg in a vicious kick, hitting Gordon right in his guts.

“Cain, whatya think you’re doing?” Aaron cried out in shock, in panic, in anger, unconsciously stepping closer to Cain, not even sure what he wanted to do.

“Don’t interfere! Don’t you dare interfere!” Cain yelled at him, eyes darting into Aaron’s direction. “He is going to say it. He is going to admit it,” Cain snarled angrily, his dark eyes focusing on Gordon, whom was trying to breathe.

“And then what?” Aaron yelled at him.

Cain entered his personal space, eyes blasting, voice low, dangerous: “Then we’ll see.”

Cain kept staring at him, dark determination in his eyes, until Gordon’s voice broke the silence: “He’s not going to let me go alive, you know that, right Aaron?”

Cain pulled away at once and leaned over Gordon, his face so close it almost touched his. “You think you’re so goddamn smart, why don’t you tell us what you did to our Aaron here. Cause you are not getting out of here, unless I hear you say it.”

Gordon just kept staring back at Cain, a tight smile on his face. “I could just tell the police, what you’ve done to me. Evidence enough.”

Cain grinned himself, his eyes dark and twisted. “When I am done with you, you won’t be doing such a thing, trust me.”

Those words seemed to eat at Gordon’s resolve a little. The hesitation that made Cain sneer: “Speak!” He kicked Gordon violently in the stomach again.

“I may know a thing or two,” Gordon wheezed, trying to recover from the blow to his chest.

Aaron’s blood ran cold by those few little words from his father. Was his father really going to admit what he had done? Would he finally hear his father say it? Would he finally get the chance to put everything behind him?

Even Cain seemed to be taken aback, as he rasped: “And?”

Gordon looked up again, that wicked grin back on his face. “My mind’s a little fuzzy. All that chloroform.”

“Well, why don’t I help you clear it?” Cain said, his voice low, stepping closer.

The darkness seemed to crowd closer. Aaron’s vision was getting a little hazier, when his mind finally completely understood what was about to happen.

Cain was going to beat his father to death.

And somehow Aaron couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t let it happen. He wasn’t going to let his uncle kill his father because of him. He couldn’t live with that.

If Cain was asking questions, Aaron couldn’t make them out. He distantly heard them hissing at each other, but the actual meaning of the words were lost on him. He stared frozen as his uncle beat his father to pulp, feeling as if his body had forgotten how to function, as if he was watching a film, he was no part of.

Aaron looked on as Gordon tried to spit in Cain’s face, but it seemed like his father couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He only groaned in agony, drooled blood on the floor. Aaron could already guess what might be coming next.

Before Aaron could stop himself, he was moving, grabbing Cain by his arm and pulling him away from his father. “Cain, that’s enough! That’s enough.”

Gordon’s breath was coming out like rags, wheezing. “Awww looks like my son doesn’t really enjoy the show. Why would that be? Too hard to watch? Are you too weak to handle it?”

Aaron pretended his father’s words didn’t cut through him like paper. “I am no son of you. You lost that right when you first touched me.”

“I never laid a finger on ya,” Gordon just replied, as if it was just a small fact he was sharing with the world.

Somehow hearing his father deny it just like that, snapped something deep inside of Aaron and he grabbed his father by his wrists, leaning on the armrests with his full weight as he got right in his father’s face and snapped: “You’re a liar. _You_ turned every memory I have of us as a family into painful memories. They’re sharp, and cut right through me every time I think about that time. Even the good moments we had are turned into a knife that kills everything else. You made me fear and distrust people. And I hate you. I fucking hate you for that. You turned me into this broken mess, and even if I won't see you again, your touch will be with me for years, or maybe for the rest of my life. You fucked me up, and I remember every single word you said, every time you hurt me, I remember how you made me feel like a waste of space. The voice that puts me down inside is not mine, but your voice telling me again how I will never be enough for no one.”

“It’s all in your head boy. You made it all up,” Gordon snarled.

Aaron let go at once as if he had burned himself, turning away, before turning around again. Now he had finally said it out loud, now he had finally told his father the truth, he wasn’t going to shy away from it. Not again. “No I didn’t. How could you say that?! How could you even think that was true?!”

Aaron’s breathing came ragged as he continued: “You hurt me so many times. The first time you’d hurt me; I cried myself to sleep that night, trying to understand what I did wrong. Why my own dad would do that to me.”

“You always were a troublesome boy, even when you were younger,” Gordon replied, but his voice lacked the real heat it had done moments before.

Aaron shook his head in disbelieve. “I was eight when you first hurt me! Eight! You were supposed to protect me.”

“Didn’t you think I tried?!” Gordon suddenly yelled, a wickedness in his father’s eyes, Aaron had never seen there before.

“Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. You wrecked my life,” Aaron shot out.

The turmoil was still there in his father’s eyes. Aaron had always known him as a cold and heartless person. But now, standing in front him as Gordon looked up at him, Aaron could see his eyes filled with unshed tears. But Gordon’s eyes had been dry even on the day his mum left him, on the day he had first hurt him. His father’s eyes searched his and Gordon muttered: "I'm sorry." Maybe it was for not being the father Aaron had needed him to be. Maybe it was for all the times he had hurt him. Maybe Aaron wanted to say that it was okay. But as Aaron tried to take in a shaky breathe, all he could think of was asking him what had happened to him. Sixteen years of his life Aaron hadn't seen anything that could melt his father’s heart. But Aaron didn't say a thing. Because if he did, he was sure his voice would break. And right now he wanted to be cold like his father had been. It was the only way Aaron wouldn't sound weak, and he had to be strong right now.

Aaron turned around, unable to look at his father any longer. He breathed in, deeply, shakily. He moved his hands over his face, as if he could just erase all the memories that way, could pretend that those few words didn’t mean more to him than he would’ve ever had guessed. Even now, after everything.

When he let go of his breathe, Aaron said to Cain: “Let him go.”

There was a silence for so long Aaron even started to doubt his uncle had even heard him, but as he glanced at Cain, he noticed Cain was just staring at his father with a strange look in his eyes. “I’m sorry, but that’s not how this will go,” Cain eventually said.

Aaron turned around again, towards Gordon, his eyes still fixated on his uncle. “I said, let him go,” Aaron replied, his voice as steady as he could muster.

Cain finally dragged his eyes away from Gordon and settled his eyes on him. Aaron begged him with his eyes to do as he asked. And Cain seemed to get it, as he nodded just slightly, setting his jaw, before he moved and started to untie the ties around Gordon’s wrists. He hissed softly into Gordon’s face: “If you ever speak of this to anyone or if you will ever show your face here again, I will kill you. That’s a promise.”

“Fine. I’ll just walk away,” Gordon replied, his face completely lacking any kind of emotion.

“You do that,” Cain replied, his eyes still dark, as he untied the last ties. “Here ya go. Now move.”

Aaron turned away when he noticed his father had quite some difficulty to stand up. He couldn’t look, didn’t want to see how much damage his uncle had done to him.

Everything happened in fragments, as a sudden sound burst in the night air. A crack like a whip rang through the air and Aaron turned around at once. Aaron didn't know who threw the first punch, but suddenly Gordon’s fist was slamming into Cain’s face, a moment later Gordon’s fist sunk into Cain’s stomach. Blood pooled in Cain’s mouth as he gagged. Cain blinked, dazed, as if he couldn’t believe what was happening.

Then the room was suddenly full of loud shouts and grunts from both the men. Anger. Panic. Fear. They stumbled apart for a brief second to catch their breaths before diving back at each other, eyes narrowed in determination.

And all Aaron could do was stare. It felt as if his mind had forgotten how to give his body orders. Gordon dodged Cain’s fist and came up with his own; for a brief instant, Cain’s dark eyes widened before Gordon hit him right against his temple and Cain was floored, his eyes rolling back in his head as he lost conscience.

Gordon stepped back. "Is that all you got?" he crowed, smirking infuriatingly at the man lying on the floor, unmoving.

Aaron’s blood hummed in his veins as determination and anger took over. Aaron growled and threw himself at his father.

But somehow Gordon had seen it coming. He threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to Aaron’s face. It hit Aaron’s jaw with such force blood pooled into his mouth. Pain erupted from the point of impact. With his own two hands Aaron grasped Gordon’s head in his hands and brought his knee cap up to Gordon’s nose. There was a blunt crack and Aaron released his blond haired head. Crimson leaked from both Gordon’s nostrils and his nose was twisted right. He drew his fist back again and it ploughed into Aaron’s stomach, it was like hitting a train head on. Aaron’s guts smashed together, blood vessels bursting. His fist hit Aaron’s jaw again. He continued this battering, Aaron unable to fight back, until Aaron fell to the floor.

Aaron’s breathing was raged and he tried to move, but knew he was almost unable to when the voice of his father made his body freeze all over. Just moments ago he had been convinced he could’ve walked out of here relatively unscarred. But he was far from safety now, as the cold voice of his father crawled over Aaron’s skin:

“Do you want to play a game, son? This will feel good, I promise.”

Aaron shook his head frantically, as much as he could, unable to speak, cold shivers running down his spine.

“You see, I can’t let you get away, not knowing if you will open your mouth. You know there is just one way to stop that from happening, don’t you?”  
“No,” Aaron whispered, but even while he spoke the words, he knew it would be in vain, knew that it wouldn’t matter what he would say.  
Time seemed to have slowed down, as Aaron remained in the darkness of the nightfall. His heart throbbed in fear as he tried to squatter away from the place he was lying on the floor, but everything seemed to hurt, it felt like his body had forgotten how to function. Paralyzed in fear, his feet refused to move and all his hands agreed to do was shake frantically against the concrete floor. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his own pulse throbbing in his ears. But there was something else as well, the silence surrendered to the haunting scream of footsteps, the footsteps approaching him, lurking closer, his body panicking even further. A narrow stream of moon light filled little areas of the ground like spotlights, as his father grabbed him hard and tight and pinned him to the ground, lurking over him.

He could feel the weight of his father pressing him down with his own body and his whole body froze.

Aaron’s mind was starting to fail, like an engine that turned over and over, never kicking into action. He couldn't formulate a thought. Every action could lead to more pain and there was no way out of this building. No way out. The tantrum began with Aaron's breath turning from accelerated to a panting gasp. He sucked at the air like it had suddenly become thick and was now almost too difficult to draw in.

Aaron felt outside of his body, like he was seeing it pre-emptively, watching himself from above, all slow motion and high quality detail as his father pushed him down and leaned over him, grabbed his shoulders and pinned him down, loomed over him as if he was capable of fighting back. Then he touched him. His mind was blank with passive horror, his body a lax and defenceless thing, too dazed to fight against it as Gordon began to pull at his clothing, chuckling darkly under his breath. A pair of hands settled on his belt buckle and started to loosen it. Aaron couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but stare in the distance as his worst nightmare became true. This was happening. He couldn’t even shut his eyes against it and-

He was paralyzed, even his mind seemed to have stopped working as his father pulled his trousers down and touched him, his cold hands touching bare skin and Aaron was pulled back into his childhood. To a severely fucked up childhood. It sat there in his memory, the first time his father had hurt him. He registered the split second Gordon knew Aaron wasn’t going to fight back and he didn’t even think to try and stop him when the man moved forwards.

Then he heard a bang, a sound which rippled through him like a shock as his father fell down on top of him. Aaron breathed hard, having a hard time to realize what was happening, until he noticed his father wasn’t moving any more, a dead weight on top of him. That realization made Aaron push him off of him, pulling his clothes back into their place and he scattered away from him, until he hit the wall and curled up, staying where he was, staring at the lifeless body on the floor. He realized he was shaking all over, while all he could do was stare at his father, lying there on the cold, hard ground, blood seeping over the concrete floor.

His eyes scattered to the door and his heart turned to ice when he saw Robert standing in the middle of the room. Gun in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is that for a cliffhanger?


	25. Not to see the good in you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again with a new chapter! Am I fast or what! ;p I hope you will enjoy! <333

Everything was one big blur. He didn’t know what was happening. All he heard were voices yelling and then whispering, echoing through the room. Shadows moved over him and disappeared again, like clouds on a sunny day. But Aaron couldn’t make sense of it, even if he wanted to. All he could see was Gordon’s dead body, lying in front of him, blood seeping onto the cold concrete, his dead eyes staring into nothingness. He tried not to look, but it seemed like he was unable to look away.

Then he was gone, Gordon was gone. Aaron had no idea what had happened, couldn’t even register how. It just felt like one moment he was there and the next he was gone.

An eternity seemed to pass until someone crouched down in front of him and reached out their hand, but Aaron pressed himself further into the wall, curling himself up into a ball.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me,” his voice was high-pitched and strange, Aaron didn’t even realize it had been him who had spoken, until the hand disappeared again and a voice mumbled:

“Aaron, Cain tells us to go. We need to leave. Now.” Even in Aaron’s foggy brain he noticed that voice.

“You shot him,” he said, as his breathing hitched and his vision blurred even more.

Robert didn’t answer.

“You shot him,” Aaron repeated a second time. Still Robert didn’t reply, but looked over his shoulder and back at him again.

“Aaron, we need to leave. They can’t find us here. No one can ever know we’ve been here.”

He didn’t know how, but eventually he was sitting in the back seat of a car on the way home. He felt sick to his stomach and he spent the rest of the ride back to the village shaking in his seat, held by the same deep rooted instinctual fear he’d felt when his father had come into his room to hurt him all those years ago. Before Aaron had been old enough or smart enough to learn how to fight back, he had shut his mind off, trying to pretend nothing was happening, that it was all a bad dream. Praying that no one heard it, but nevertheless hoping someone would come to help him.

It was that same fear of then muzzling him now, only Aaron couldn’t hide it from the world anymore. The fact of the matter was that Aaron hadn’t had the power to get the fuck out of there; not just that building, but that whole situation. He should’ve learned by now how to fight back, how to say no, to walk away from something that had hurt him so many times.

He should have left. He should have been able to fight back.

But Aaron had done none of those things. He had frozen when he should’ve fought him off. He should’ve stopped him. But he didn’t. he hadn’t.

He had felt like that little boy again, too scared to fight back. Even after all this time, his father had been able to hurt him, to get to him. And he had been too weak to stop him.

His senses suddenly snapped back into perspective when he heard his name: the rumble of the engine, the roaring in his ears, the terse voices bouncing around inside of the car, every sound filled his ears, multiplied and muted all at the same time.

“—need to find a way to get rid of the body. And we need to track down his car, take care of that too. It can’t be that far. We need to make sure we tie up all the loose ends.”

“Cain,” Robert mumbled.

“What?”

“What the hell is happening to him?”

It took Aaron the duration of a long pause and two pair of eyes on him to register that they were talking about him.

“Pretty sure he’s having a panic attack. He’s in shock. Makes sense after what he’s been through.”

Been through. A hysterical giggle almost burst past Aaron’s lips. Been through. As if the worst was already over, as if his life hadn’t just been turned upside down again. As if he didn’t have to start all over again.

The world was dark outside and Aaron caught sight of his darkened reflection in the window as the car pulled up. He was pale. There was a bruise blooming on his cheek. His pupils were blown wide, bags under his eyes.

“What should I do?” Robert said, sounding uneasy.

“Give him space. Get him to Chas and fill her in. I need to go back…get rid of the evidence, finger prints, the usual. Give him some breathing space. He’ll be fine.”

Aaron didn’t even seem to have the energy to spit out _I’m right fucking here_ at them, he just climbed out of the car on shaky legs, carefully forced his spine into steel as he walked into the back of the pub, up the stairs.

His mask was composed and Chas, who appeared in the hallway with a worried expression on her face, didn’t try to stop him as he moved upstairs. Robert, who had followed him inside, didn’t follow him up the stairs, but Aaron forced himself to keep it together until he opened the first door he could find and closed it.

He couldn’t track how he got into the shower, but he felt the water when it hit him, soaking through the material of his sweater, the leather of his shoes. He shivered as the water warmed up, he shivered as he soaked, he shivered as the bathroom filled with steam and he curled into the corner of the shower stall. He shivered as he stared at the blood which mingled with water and washed away, he shivered as he looked at the grains in the tile.

“Aaron.”

Aaron didn’t respond, all he could do was shiver against the warm stream of water still falling down on him.

He heard Robert step into the bathroom, the whisper soft removal of a jacket and untying of laces. But when the door slid open, Robert still had the rest of his clothes on. He stood at the entrance of the shower and looked down at Aaron, expression soft, even a little wounded, which didn’t make sense at all. He had shot someone. Shot his father. He wasn’t supposed to look like that, he wasn’t supposed to feel anything.

The water was burning hot now and still Aaron shivered. He blinked up at Robert through the rain of water.

“You shot him,” he whispered, trembling.

Robert blinked back, cracked open emotion flickering across his features for the briefest second, and then he stepped into the shower, adjusted the pressure and the temperature over Aaron’s head, and slid down the wall to sit beside him. Aaron braced for his touch like a physical blow, but Robert didn’t lay a finger on Aaron, simply pressed his shoulder to Aaron’s and leaned back against the tile.

“Yes, I did,” Robert answered, and it was almost too much for Aaron to hear, too much to handle, but the trembling of his limbs decreased, and he leaned against Robert more than he intended to. Robert felt warmer than the hot water, and the comfort that Aaron took in the presence of him felt frightening, because in his mind he felt like he was the last person on earth he should want it from.

xXx

_His father walked in his room, and time slowed down. He stopped beside his bed, and his hand slowly reached for his arm. Aaron would’ve done everything to move his arm, but it stayed still. It felt like it was pinned to his bed with tons of weight on it. Gordon’s fingers caressed over his forearm, while he lay still, paralyzed. He wanted to scream, but Aaron didn't find the strength as he was using all of it just to move his hand away from him, but still could not, his body staying frozen to its place on the bed. As his father loomed over him and Aaron could feel his breathe near his ear, he bolted…_

Aaron surged upwards as he woke in a gasp, clasping the sheets he was lying under. His breathing was rigid, his cheeks were wet and his body was bathed in a cold sweat. The sheets were twisted around his limbs. He tried to keep his breathing under control as he loosened his clenched muscles. His heart beat rapidly against his chest as he looked around himself. He was alone, his room shrouded by darkness, as the curtains were still closed.

The remnants of his nightmare still clung to his mind, haunting him. Aaron had no trouble imagining Gordon lurking in the murky darkness of his room. He leaned back against the headrest of the bed and grasped the sheets, pulled them up to his chest, as if he could protect himself that way. And for a moment Aaron wished he wasn’t alone. That Robert was there.

The last Aaron remembered of Robert, seeing Robert, was after he’d crawled out of the shower that night, Robert following soaking wet behind him. Aaron had changed his clothes and had crawled between the sheets aware that at some point between Robert stepping into the shower and Aaron getting in the bed he’d stopped shaking. The last time he’d seen Robert, he’d been curled up and dozing off, and Robert had been standing in the doorway, still soaked, his expression pensive. They hadn’t spoken. Aaron hadn’t been able to tell if Robert had stayed or had left, he’d fallen asleep immediately after.

He completely disregarded the thoughts about Robert, as soon as his thoughts returned to last night and images of Robert with that gun in his hands filled Aaron’s mind. Aaron threw the sheets away from him and stood up, determined not to think about anything. If he would let himself think, if he would go there, he wasn’t sure if he would ever find a way back.

He pulled off the T-shirt he had been sleeping in, but the sudden movement hurt and he flinched. He tried to ignore the pain and pulled the shirt off of him, threw it in a corner and moved to his closet to get a clean one out of it, when he was stopped in his tracks by his own reflection in the mirror.

Battered, they called it. That’s what he saw when he looked at himself in the mirror. Such a simple word. But it was not simple. His sense of self, which he had finally learned to build up in recent years, now felt as bruised as his abdomen. He touched the bruise on his face with gentle fingers and winched, his own eyes finding his empty eyes in the mirror. As he stared at himself, he barely recognized himself. His inner scars were open wounds again, but now more than ever Aaron wasn’t sure if even time could heal them. It seemed like an unending burden.

His eyes scattered over the rest of his upper body, taking in the damage. The worst of the bruises were the grip marks; how he had kept Aaron trapped while he had pushed him down and had touched him… Aaron took a deep intake of breath to get rid of the images in his head. In the past, he had healed from a stubborn willfulness, a determination to survive. This time however, Aaron didn’t seem to be able to find any strength in himself to get passed it. He had no reserve to call upon; he was battered on the inside worse than on the outside. He blamed himself more than any other time. Because after all that time he should’ve found a way to fight back.

Fires of shame and sorrow burned just under his skin and a deep emptiness filled his heart as the sentiments brewed over and boiled past the seams he could no longer hold together. He moved to the bed, curled himself into a ball, head between his hands, as if he could stop the memories from seeping through the barriers he had pulled up inside his mind the moment he had woken up.

But as much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. He leaned his head against the headrest, slamming his fist against the wall. The muffled sobs wracked against his chest. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was gone. The last painful emotion slammed against him before he lost himself.

Aaron pressed his head against the headrest. He was trembling. He couldn't-couldn't stop. Even as he pressed his hand against the wall, it shook, it trembled. It was raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. He couldn't stop... he couldn't stop. Why couldn’t he stop crying?

A soft knock on the door and his mother’s voice saying his name, made Aaron tense up and he pushed himself further against the wall, as if to protect himself. The door was opened, before Aaron could even find his voice and even when he spoke his voice was hoarse, trembling softly: “Go away.”

But his mother was not listening to him, as Chas opened the door further and entered. She just stood there for a moment, before the image in front of her must have sunken in, because her voice was filled with sorrow and pain as she said: “Oh darling.”

Hearing the soft tone in his mother’s voice made something crack inside of Aaron and before he could stop it, he was sobbing; painful, hard sobs which threatened to overwhelm him. His shoulders shook with grief, tears were streaming down his already wet cheeks.

He didn’t even hear his mother come closer, but suddenly he felt her arms wrap around him as she pulled him into her. He sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. She held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked her chest. She pressed her lips against his head. “I am so, so sorry, love.”

Aaron wanted to speak, but it was as though someone was choking him.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

Aaron tensed up by his mother’s words, hitting him right where it hurt and he pushed her away, moved away from her grip. He scattered to the other side of the bed and turned away from her, bare feet on the cold floor.

“Get out,” he rumbled low in his throat.

“Aaron, I-” Chas started.

“I said, get out!” Aaron yelled, as he stood up and turned towards her. His hands were balled into fists, fire, anger, too many emotions to deal with, bursting up inside of him.

“No. I am not leaving you when you’re like this.”

Aaron realized he was breathing heavily, shaking like a leave. He knew he was losing control over his own emotions. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you decided to tell Cain _everything_ , while I told you not to do that!” he shot out.

“I did that because I wanted to protect you. Because I love you!” Chas cried out.

Aaron harshly wiped the tears from his eyes that kept on falling. “Everything that has happened, all of this, is on you! All of it. Now get out!”

“Please don’t,” Chas pleaded, as Aaron registered the unshed tears in her eyes. But Aaron couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle any of it.

“ _Get out_!” he yelled.

When his mother had left the room and he was surrounded by just a deafening silence. Realizing he was all alone again, he broke down completely. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that came from a person drained of all hope. He sank to his knees. The pain that flowed from him was as palpable as the cold and lonely silence in the room.

xXx

Robert was looking out of his window, his fingers tapping against the window sill, trying to figure out what he should do now. After Chas had sent him home, he had been aching to go over again and see how Aaron was doing. If he was okay. It was all he could think about the moment he had come back to his room in the B&B and had changed into some clean clothes. After what Aaron had faced yesterday, it was the only thing on Robert’s mind. He wasn’t even worried about himself, knowing he really had killed a man. For all that Robert had expected to be traumatized after the incident, he was surprisingly okay. And that unnerved him more than any guilt would have done.

He’d known violence as a victim just as much as a participator. He’d seen people close to him get hurt, had seen people close to him hurt other people. Had hurt people himself. But even with that exposure, Robert had not expected to feel as… normal as he did the morning after he’d shot a man.

He knew, logically, that he had done what he had to do to save Aaron, to protect Aaron, and was pleasantly surprised when the guilt didn’t eat him alive. Granted, there was no way it would have ended differently. The moment he had seen what was happening, the moment that man had laid his hands on Aaron again, he’d pretty much been a marked man. That didn’t make what he had done any better. It was still murder, no matter how justifiable it might’ve been in certain courts of law.

And every time he closed his eyes, he revised through all the other options he had had- shoot him in the hand, his leg, create a diversion, something. But he had done none of those things, and what’s done was done. He couldn't ever change that. And the more Robert thought about it, the more he realized, he didn’t care what would happen to him. He was glad he did it. Aaron was safe, he was okay and that was all that mattered in the end.

All he was concerned about was Aaron’s well-being.

His mind wandered off to last night, to what had happened. After a long talk with Victoria, he had searched for Aaron, but hadn’t been able to find him anywhere. He had left the pub after Chas had promised she had had no idea where her son was and had decided to look for him outside when Adam had turned up in his car. As he had stepped out and had looked highly upset, Robert immediately had known something was wrong. He had made his way over, asked Adam what was up. Adam had been dismissive at first, trying to pretend there was nothing wrong. But when Robert had mentioned Aaron had gone missing, he had finally gotten the answers out of Adam.

Adam had taken him to the place Aaron had been. Robert had told Adam to stay where he was before he had entered. He had been shocked when he had seen what was happening and he had found no other way but to shoot Gordon.

A determined knock on the door, pulled Robert from his thoughts. He took a deep breath, not really sure what to expect; the police, Chas, maybe Aaron?

Robert couldn’t stop the beating of his heart against his chest as he walked towards the door and opened it.

“Can I come in.” It wasn’t even a question, but Robert wasn’t surprised the words sounded more like a command.

Robert let go of his baited breath when he noticed who was standing in front of him. Robert would never admit it to himself, but he was a bit glad to see him.

“Yeah. Yeah of course.” Robert took a step sideways to let Cain in.

Cain walked inside and Robert closed the door behind him. “Here.” Cain threw something at him and Robert could just catch it in time. He noticed it were his car keys. The once he had handed over to Cain. Last night Cain had told him to give him his car keys so he could get his car out of there.

“How did ya-” he asked, looking down at the keys in his hand.

“Adam drove your car back, after he helped me clean up the mess,” Cain answered, no emotion readable on his face.

Robert just slowly nodded his head. He had called Adam after he had shot Gordon. And while Adam had checked on Cain, he had been trying to reach Aaron, who had pulled himself completely away from the real world. It had crushed Robert’s heart seeing him like that. Eventually he had been obliged to help Adam and Cain with the body and cleaning some of the blood away, before he had returned to Aaron and had been able to convince him to go with him. As Cain had driven them both home, Adam had stayed behind to get rid of the evidence.

“Adam admitted he told you where to find me,” Cain commented, his eyes searching Robert’s face, pulling Robert back from his thoughts. “Did you tell anyone where you were going last night?”

“No,” Robert answered, shaking his head, his eyes focusing on Cain.

“You sure,” Cain asked, his eyes piercing into his.

“Yes. I wouldn’t lie about this. I’m not that stupid,” Robert replied, slightly annoyed.

“Good. No one else needs to know about this, okay,” Cain said, his voice strict, as if he needed to hear Robert say it.

“Do you really think I’m going to confess to anyone I killed someone last night?” Robert huffed, feeling as if Cain thought he was dumb.

“No. Like you said, you’re not that stupid.”

“I’m not,” Robert replied between gritted teeth.

Cain just stared at him for a moment, as if he needed to know for sure Robert was going to keep his mouth shut, before he nodded his head once. And in that moment, he realized Cain had just taken his word for it. He didn’t see him as a liability, he trusted him enough to believe him without second guessing. Robert knew enough about him to know that was a big deal.

“So…what did you do to the body?” he asked awkwardly, a bit curious as well. Somehow, he was slightly intrigued about what Cain had done with Gordon’s body, how he had managed to do so without getting noticed and how he had known how to do it in the first place.

“It’s taken care off. That’s all you need to know,” Cain answered curtly.

“But-” Robert protested.

“The less you know, the less likely it will come back to bite you. It’s been taken care off, alright,” Cain interrupted, his gaze steady, his face stern.

Robert nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, alright.”

“Good. That’s settled then,” and apparently that was the end of their conversation as Cain walked to the door and opened it. But he stopped in the doorway and turned around. “I am just gonna say this once, cause we are never going to talk about it after this.” Cain seemed to prepare himself for something, as if he couldn’t quite get himself to say the words. “It was brave what you did there. Stupid but brave. You saved our Aaron.”

“I would do it all over again, if I had to,” Robert confessed, earnestly, truthfully.

Cain’s eyes lingered on Robert’s face for a moment before he said: “Maybe I misjudged you, Sugden. Look after him for us, will ya?”

Robert’s eyes didn’t waver from Cain’s face when he answered: “Will do.”

With one last nod Cain walked out and closed the door behind him.

xXx

After Cain had visited him, Robert had tried to eat something in the B&B, but hadn’t quite been able to work up the appetite to really eat anything at all. At one point Adam had joint him and had fired all kind of questions at him, trying to figure out what had happened the night before and Robert realized neither Cain, Chas or even Aaron had told Adam anything more than he already knew or had guessed himself. When Adam had kept nagging, Robert had lost his temper and had told him to leave him the hell alone.

When Robert had returned to his room, he had tried to keep his mind of off things, trying to stop the growing worry in his chest. Eventually it had become too much of a struggle to stay where he was, so Robert had made his way to the pub. To Aaron. He needed to know how he was doing. He needed to know Aaron wasn’t trying to do something to himself, hurt himself again. He needed to know if Aaron was safe. He knocked softly on the back door, but when no one answered, he let himself in. Thankfully the door was loose.

When he entered the back room, he noticed all the lights were off, only the light in the kitchen was on. Aaron was sitting on the kitchen table, a glass in his hand and a bottle of Whiskey nearby. Aaron didn’t react as Robert entered, just took a sip from his drink, as Robert closed the door behind him.

“What are ya doing here? Aaron asked, his voice tight and hoarse, not looking at Robert whatsoever. And Robert knew Aaron had figured out he was the one who had just entered the room.

“See how you’re getting on,” Robert replied earnestly, feeling slightly out of place. He couldn’t really tell what was wrong, but he sensed something was off and for a moment he wondered how much Aaron had already had to drink.

“I’m fine. Now leave,” Aaron replied curtly, not lifting his eyes from the glass he was looking at, before he took another sip.

Robert frowned his forehead in worry and an uncomfortable feeling settled in his chest. “Aaron, I’m sorry, for what I did. I just…I wish there was something I could say to make this all alright again, but I can’t.”

Something crossed over Aaron’s face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared and Robert had no idea what it meant. “No, you can’t,” Aaron replied, his voice low, dark.

Robert took a conscious step forward when he said: “I just want you to know I am still here, if you need me.”

“I won’t,” Aaron answered.

The uncomfortable feeling inside Robert’s chest turned to ice, by Aaron’s words. “What’s that supposed to mean,” he bit out.

Aaron stood up and turned around, his back towards Robert, shoulders hunched. “It means I won’t be needing you.”

Robert had the feeling his world was slipping away from him and this whole conversation was running through his fingers like water. He was damn sure what Aaron was doing in this very moment. “Aaron, please don’t do this. Don’t push me out. Not after everything.”

Aaron turned around, and looked up at Robert, but his eyes missed Robert’s in a heartbeat. “I can’t deal with this right now,” Aaron murmured softly, as if he was talking to himself.

Robert moved a hand over his face, knowing that if he didn’t say anything, this wasn’t going to end well. He needed to find a way to fix this, to make Aaron look at him again. He couldn’t lose Aaron, not after everything they had been through together. So he said: “We can survive this. I promise you. We can do this-”

“Robert-”

“If you just stopped being-”

“Stop it-”

“so mad at yourself, beating yourself up over what happened-”

“I’ve had enough, Robert.”

“---and just heard me out, then maybe some of what I’m saying would filter through and you’d understand I am just trying to fix things here, cause I—”

“ _Enough_.”

“—can’t lose you over this, Aaron, I ju-”

“I said, _enough_!” Aaron yelled, and hurled his glass of whiskey against the opposite wall.

It burst apart like a snowball, shards of glass skittering across the wooden floor. Aaron stared at it, shoulders heaving, wild eyed.

Robert shut his mouth, but he stood, eyebrows raised, _daring_ Aaron to justify the outburst. Aaron didn’t, merely softened the tone of his voice, stared at the glass, at the whiskey dripping down the wall. He wasn’t yelling anymore, but his next words held all the blaze of barely contained fire.

“I am damaged goods. Weak. There is no way to escape that, not in a world where my father who you shot, is still in the back of my mind, seeping into every thought I have. He is inside my mind with every turn I make. And every time I look at you I am remembered of him, of what you did. Of how you stood there and killed my father. Every time I look at you, I see that image before my eyes and I can’t let that go. You killed a man. You killed a man, without second thought, without feeling bad about doing so. And I can’t even look at you knowing you’ve done that. But I cannot make you _understand_ that, and I will not let you tell me what to do as if you understand me, as if you know anything about me. I cannot undo what you did, but I sure as hell can’t be with someone who could kill another human being. You have no idea what you’re talking about. What I am feeling. And I don’t feel the need to explain. So get out. We’re done.”

Robert’s stomach dropped, Aaron’s words hurting him more than he could say, but he glared at Aaron with everything he got, sceptical and pissed as hell.

“Just like that?”

The tension on Aaron’s face and the clenching of his jaw told him everything he needed to know.

Yes, just like that.

A cold, insatiable fire burnt all the oxygen from his body leaving him listless and empty, knowing he had lost, knowing he couldn’t change how Aaron saw him in this moment. His heart didn’t only break, but shattered into fragments more numerous than the stars. He wanted to beg or plead and tell him that his life did have meaning, that their love had meaning, but Robert knew that face. It was the one that appeared when Aaron was done listening to anyone and his mind had put up barriers to all new information. So no matter what he would say, it would only push them further apart.

Robert swallowed loudly, before he turned around and walked to the door, but for whatever reason, something stopped him, feeling like he couldn’t just leave like that. He couldn’t just give up like that, let Aaron make the biggest mistake of his life. But Aaron seemed determined to believe that there was no hope of fixing this, no step forwards. He knew Aaron’s way of dealing with things was pushing the people away who he held most dear, as if he wanted to protect himself, just as much as to protect others. And right now, that was the worst possible reaction to have. But what could he possibly say to make Aaron see sense?

His heart slammed in his chest, as he looked back at Aaron. He should leave, he needed to leave, but Aaron just looked so alone standing next to the table, staring at the glass on the floor.

He had no obligation; no reason to open his mouth right now. None whatsoever. He didn’t owe Aaron anything. Not after Aaron had told him he resented him for shooting another human being, his father.

“You're wrong, you know.” Robert heard himself say, before he was even aware he was actually speaking, turning on his heels and facing Aaron with a level stare.

“Wrong about what?” Aaron said flatly.

Robert noticed Aaron wasn’t even able to look at him, but that didn’t stop Robert from speaking, the words falling out of him like a stream, something he didn’t quite plan for to happen.

“You're wrong about you. You are not weak; or damaged goods. And if you think I see you that way, you don’t know me at all. Look what you did, how you told Chas and me even though it was so hard for you to tell anyone. Look how you are still standing after everything that happened to you. Do you see what you did? What you are still doing? Because I do, and it is more than anyone would ever realize. You are still standing. You are not giving up. You are the strongest person I know and I am so fucking proud of you. I am so happy I got to know you.”

Robert’s voice broke for a moment, as if Aaron’s words had finally settled near his skin, knowing he could only say what was on his mind, even though he knew in the end it wouldn’t make a difference. Aaron had already made his mind up. Across the room, Aaron had gone very still, the blinds casting shadows on his face, making it impossible for Robert to see his reaction. He stood silently, not reacting to a word Robert had said.

“But I won’t apologize for pulling that trigger. He was going to hurt you, Aaron. I wasn’t going to let that happen. Not again. Not on my watch. I did what I had to do. To protect you.”

Silence. Robert heard his heartbeat in his ears but he didn’t stop, only lowered his voice, spoke straight and simple, feelings scrubbed raw. He hardly knew what he was saying anymore, but he meant it more than he’d ever meant anything in his life.

“I love you, Aaron,” he said, without hesitation. “I can’t change the way you see me. I can’t change the way you’re feeling. But you can’t tell me how I feel about you.”

Aaron still hadn't moved.

Robert walked out, heart feeling like it was going to explode in his chest. Robert's skin felt tight and his hands were shaking as he walked to the door which let outside.

As he closed the door, Robert could swear he saw Aaron wipe at his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, let me now what you think! xxx


	26. Out of the darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, with a new chapter! Thank you for all the lovely comments and all the kudos I have received up until now! You are all amazing! <333 I hope you will enjoy! 
> 
> Warning: mentions of rape and self-harming

The room was dark. The curtains were drawn in a vain attempt to filter the orange glow of the streetlights illuminating the street outside. Robert glanced at the digital clock at the side of his bed, the numbers 02:25 glowing in a bright red. He sighed wearily. Unable to sleep, he sat upright on his bed, his legs outstretched and covered with a warm duvet. Nights like these, where he felt like he was completely alone on the world, were usually quiet, but not this night, because the pitter-patter of rain lingered in the background. It brought him an odd sense of protection and safety along with it. It made him feel somewhat less alone. Sometimes the rain went pit-a-pat against the glass of the windows, often sounding like the gentle tapping of someone against it. Intrigued by the sound, he stood up and pushed a little bit of the heavy curtains and peeked outside. Droplets of water streaked down the window panes as it rained on. Through the rain, he could make out the street outside. Everything was the same, only grayer, darker and blurred with softer edges. Puddles of rain formed in the potholes of the street.

That’s how his world felt nowadays, grey, dark. He went on with his days as if nothing had happened, as if he didn’t miss him. A sharp pain coursed through his chest, only thinking of him.

He tried to forget. Forget those harsh words Aaron had spoken all those nights ago. But he couldn't do it whenever he saw him from a distance. There was never contact, they never spoke, but sometimes Robert’s eyes found Aaron’s when he saw him from afar. Still, the emotional distance was more palpable than the physical distance each time Robert laid eyes on Aaron. The hurt would come to him in quiet moments, such as when he was going to sleep or was taking a lunch break. It would seep to the foreground of his mind and demand to be re-examined again. But he was tired of thinking about it, no amount of analysis was going to turn back the clock. He had to get on with the here and now.

Still the words Aaron had spoken, lingered in the back of his mind. It pained him to know Aaron really wasn’t able to see passed him killing his father, to see all he had done was trying to keep Aaron safe. He had gone over it, time and time again. To find any words or explanations so Aaron would listen to him. But in the end, he always found it was useless. He couldn’t change the way Aaron saw him. The worst part of it all was that Aaron might always think about him that way. Maybe Aaron would never get rid of those thoughts, maybe didn’t even want to.

By protecting him, Robert had lost him. And Robert let those thoughts haunt him every night, hoping that one day Aaron would forgive him.

xXx

One week had passed by since that night. One week since his father had died. One week since Robert killed his father. One week since Aaron had last talked to Robert.

He tried to go on with his life like nothing had happened. He tried to act normal, tried to pretend he was fine. He mostly kept to himself. He didn’t speak much, didn’t seek out people. He knew he was skittish and on edge, hated it when people touched him without warning. He knew he wasn’t coping well, but he also felt like he deserved this. He had let this happen. After all this time, Aaron had still let it happen. He didn’t deserve any help, because how could anyone help him, if he wasn’t even able to help himself?

His family knew there was something wrong. Everyone was super nice to him, a nice that didn’t allow even the usual teasing and playful ribbing. Everyone was super polite; Chas making his coffee before he was leaving for work, Cain being particularly nice to him, giving all the light jobs to him, Zak offering him a beer the moment he walked into the pub, Marlon having already cooked his favourite food. Sam even came by one time to offer him lunch he had just picked up from the café. Everyone was nice, but also wouldn’t go anywhere near him. Like he was a gift to be cherished, but that particular gift was a bomb waiting to go off. And at the forefront of it all was Robert’s absence, which lay like a heavy weight on Aaron’s chest.

He was ripped from his thoughts when his mother put a mug and a bowl in front of him and sat down next to him at the kitchen table. Aaron tried to ignore her as much as he could and started on his breakfast. But he flinched away from his mother’s touch when she reached out to get a hair from his clothes.

“Will you stop fitting,” he snapped annoyed. “I am not a little boy.”

“Sorry love. I’m just trying to look after you,” Chas sighed, looking apologetic. Ever since he had cried in her arms and he had yelled at her to leave, they hadn’t really been talking. Aaron knew it was mostly his fault, but he knew that if he would start talking about it, every well-hidden feeling he had locked up in his chest, would return in full force and he couldn’t deal with that. Not now, not when even getting through one day was difficult enough. He just wanted to be left alone. And having his whole family cradle around him, wasn’t of much help.

“You’re all treating me as if I’m gonna break any moment. So I’m telling you right now, I won’t. So stop with the constant nurturing. It’s driving me insane,” Aaron rumbled, voice low.

“I didn’t tell them, you know,” Chas answered immediately. Aaron didn’t react just ate on, even though he felt the relieve wash over him. He had been a little afraid his whole family had heard. Chas just looked at him for a moment, contemplating something. Eventually she said: “But I’ll tell them all to back off.”

Aaron wasn’t even surprised his mother was responsible for his family to cradle around him. Aaron just nodded, picked up his spoon and continued eating his breakfast. But halfway through his second bite, he froze when he noticed his mother was still there, staring at him. “What?” he snapped.

Chas frowned lightly, probably not liking the tone of his voice, before she said: “I’m worried about you. I know you are struggling, Aaron. And I know it has everything to do with Gordon.” Aaron’s shoulders tensed up from only hearing that name, but he didn’t react, he just kept eating while his mother eventually continued: “But I think there’s something else.”

Chas paused and stared at him as if she was expecting him to say something, to tell her what was going on. But when he just kept on eating and didn’t react, she sighed and said: “It’s Robert, isn’t it?”

Aaron stood up at once, taking his, now half-empty bowl with him and turned towards the kitchen. He couldn’t even hear Robert’s name, making the pain all the worse, keeping the feelings so raw. The pain and heartache were always there, worst in the quiet moments, just before he fell asleep. He would never admit it to anyone, but the nightmares had started again, making him anxious to even close his eyes, images of his father floating through his mind the moment he did. But the worst part was that he knew deep down he would’ve felt safe and protected if Robert had been sleeping next to him. Still, he couldn’t stop feeling sick to the stomach every time he thought of Robert standing there with that gun in his hands. But amongst all that, there was a feeling that was always there. He missed him, he missed him so much, not having him around, pushed like a terrible weight down on Aaron’s chest. He knew Robert’s absence was down to him and him alone. He had pushed him aside, even though he knew he needed him now more than anything.

“Why don’t you go and talk to him?” Chas continued, as Aaron could feel her eyes on him.

“I can’t just…I just can’t…” Aaron started, images of Robert standing there with that gun in his hands filled Aaron’s mind and he closed his eyes against it.

“I know everything hurts, love. And I never thought I would say this, but I’d rather have him shoot your dad, than you getting hurt again.”

Aaron flinched and Chas stood up with a sigh. “I’m sorry love. I know it must be so difficult for you. Even I don’t know how to help you.”

Aaron wasn’t able to look at her, his body trembling all over as he tried to fight against his own thoughts and feelings. Chas didn’t seem to notice as she stepped closer and said: “But it always seemed like Robert did. All I know is that, that man loves you more than anything and will do and has done everything to protect you.”

Aaron tried to swallow the big lump in his throat and he turned away from her, so she wouldn’t see how much her words got to him. Her voice still rippled through him like water: “I know you are hurt and everything is such a mess and you have no idea what you are feeling, but are you really willing to give everything up because of that man?”

Aaron’s hands were balled into fists as his mother’s words rolled over him like a wave and he still tried to block everything out. “And you can’t tell me, you aren’t a little bit relieved that he is dead.”

Aaron let go of a shaky breath, reigning his emotions in, before he turned and passed his mother without looking at her. “I need to get to work,” was all he said.

“Yeah, course you do.” Chas smiled at him and Aaron moved to get his things from upstairs. When Aaron was half-way through the room his mother’s voice called his name.

“Aaron?” Aaron didn’t turn around to look at her, but he did stop walking to listen to what she wanted to say. “He stayed all night. After you came back, after, well you know… he stayed all night. Sat in front of your door and didn’t leave until the next morning. Even then I had to tell him to get some rest and go home. I thought you should know.”

Aaron didn’t react, but moved out of the room, closing the door with a soft bang.

xXx

Robert was standing in the shop, flicking through a magazine. From the corner of his eye he could see Chas enter the shop and approaching him. But before she had the chance to say anything, Robert had put the magazine back at its place and said, with a sigh: “What do you want?”

“You should go and talk to him,” Chas answered instantly, obviously not feeling intimidated by his tone of voice. He didn’t even have to ask who she was talking about. Robert’s mood dropped even further. He didn’t want to talk about him, especially not with Chas, who knew exactly what had happened, what he had done. He had told her himself that night. That night that changed everything.

“I’m sure I am the last person he wants to see right now, believe me,” Robert replied as he turned around and walked away. He hated the bitter tone in his voice. It wasn’t Aaron’s fault for feeling like that, for rejecting him. Still, the bitter feeling of being left out in the cold like that, left him worn out throughout the day.

“He needs ya,” Chas answered as she followed him.

“He doesn’t,” Robert answered curtly. He heard Chas sniff sarcastically and Robert realized she had no idea what Aaron had said to him, what had happened between the two them. He turned around to look at her and said: “He told me we were done, over. There is nothing for me there, Chas.”

A soft emotion glided over Chas’ face for just a moment, before her lips turned into a thin line. “So, you’re just gonna give up on him?”

He wished he could do something for him, anything. All Aaron had to do was let him. Robert would take the world down for him if he had to. “I can’t help him if he doesn’t want the help himself,” Robert replied, his voice filled with unspoken emotions.

“He loves ya so much.”

Robert’s heart twisted painfully by Chas’ words and he had the feeling as if he was going to cry any moment, a heavy feeling pressing down on his chest. “I don’t think he knows what he is feeling himself at the moment. I have never seen him so…”

“Upset? Hurt?” Chas filled in.

“Broken,” Robert finished. “And I don’t think I can fix him. I don’t think anyone can. He needs to find his own way back.”

He saw the same worry cross over Chas’ face, he was feeling. “And what if he doesn’t?”

A terrible feeling settled near Robert’s chest, by hearing those words, by thinking those words. He had no idea what he would do if Chas’ words would ever come true. “I don’t think I am ready to think about that yet,” he therefor answered, before he looked up at Chas. “Are you?”

xXx

Aaron could only sleep when exhausted. When he felt the tiredness in his chest, in how he breathed and his thoughts dragged by in slow motion, only then he’d slunk into his bed and curl up. On good days he'd get four hours, on bad days two. He'd wake as fast as the gunshot sounded, heart beating fast and breathing as if he'd just surfaced from deep water. After that it was time to get up, to do something, keep moving...

His mind was dark nowadays, subsisting on the burnt tinder of who he was. In these ashes, there was nothing to even renew a spark. All he could do was huddle in the moment, live from heartbeat to heartbeat. He felt like the world wasn't really there at all, like it was stolen and replaced with something empty, photo-shopped, fake. It made sense in a weird way, the real world had given him feelings of joy. He had felt connected to it, part of it. But either it had been taken away or he had been; every second of every minute of every day all he could do was float in the void.

Aaron entered the hallway to the back room of the pub. He rolled his shoulders and he heard them crack. He had worked all day, and now, after such a long day, he could feel the weariness settle in his bones. But he knew he had to make himself something to eat first. Eating. Another thing he had to force himself to do.

In the living room, Debbie was sitting on the couch as she took gulping breaths around the high-pitched ripping noise coming from her chest which Aaron could only think to describe as the most passionate sobbing he had ever heard, openly heartbroken and terrified and so, _so sad_. She was so dissolved into herself, she didn’t even hear him enter.

Aaron’s chest contracted painfully, hearing the agony coming from his cousin.

He quietly walked towards the kitchen and poured her a glass of water. He wasn’t sure what else he could do and frankly had too much on his mind already to really care about anyone else’s business. But she was still family.

As Aaron walked back from the kitchen, it was obvious Debbie had heard him, as she was wiping the tears from her face, as if she was trying to pretend she was okay. Not wanting anyone to know what she was feeling.

Just like him.

Aaron pushed that thought away the second it entered his mind.

“Here.”

Aaron walked forward and placed the glass in Debbie’s hands without much ceremony. Debbie just muttered a thanks and took a sip.

He stood with his hands shoved in his pockets; awkward, embarrassed, watching Debbie’s tear streaked and puffy face. “You alright?” he asked after a moment of silence.

“Yeah, fine. Don’t mind me.” She looked up at Aaron, a trembling smile around her lips, which faltered the moment the door to the pub opened and Cain walked in.

“You could’ve picked a better time,” Cain stated, his eyes dark, his voice stern.

Debbie stood up from the couch at once, her expression turning from sadness to anger in seconds. “You wouldn’t have listened to me, no matter when I would’ve told you.”

“I would’ve preferred it, if we could’ve discussed this without anyone else there,” Cain fired back, obvious trying to restrain the heat in his voice.

“There is nothing to discuss,” Debbie replied, her voice flat.

Aaron was looking at the two of them, standing in front of each other, one face filled with anger, the other with sadness. “What’s going on?” he asked, his voice low.

Cain’s face shot to Aaron, as if he, ever since he had entered, just realized he was actually there. “Debbie just told everyone she is leaving,” Cain replied, his voice more than just a bit accusing.

Aaron’s eyes darted to Debbie, frowning his forehead. “Why?”

Debbie’s expression was filled with hurt when she spoke: “I can’t stay here. Everything just reminds me of what happened. How can I live at the same place, he hurt me?”

And Aaron got it, got it the moment she spoke. Debbie couldn’t move on, couldn’t move on as long as she would stay here. She needed some time to heal, to find herself again. Still Cain seemed unable to understand that, as he said: “You can’t just leave your family, your kids.”

“So what would you have me do then?!” Debbie yelled, exasperated. “Every time I look at my own children I see him! Every time I lie in my own bed, I can feel him!” Suddenly she looked as if she was fighting back tears. “I can’t stay here, until I can get him out of my head. I am confronted with what happened every single minute of every single day. I can’t do it, I can’t do it any more.”

“Where will you go?” Aaron said, his voice soft, low. His question earned him a dark glance from is uncle.

Debbie looked at him and she seemed a bit relieved by his supporting question. “I don’t know yet. All I know is, I can’t stay here.” Her eyes landed on her father again, who was still looking pensive. “Please, dad, understand.”

“No,” Cain answered, heated and Aaron noticed Cain was about to break as well, knowing he couldn’t stop his daughter from leaving. “No, I won’t lose you because of him.”

“You don’t understand, I…I can feel him everywhere,” Debbie’s lip pouted out and her eyes watered again. “I’m not…It wasn’t supposed to…” Debbie sank down on the couch again, as she buried her head into her hands.

“It’s the only way,” Aaron said quietly.

And it was. Aaron felt sticky with nerves, wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing to open his mouth right now, but he felt like he had to, he had to. “It’s the only way she can find herself again. She didn’t have to ask you for permission, Cain. But she does, because she cares. Let her go. She will find her way back, eventually.” Aaron hoped deep down inside his own words were true, maybe not only for Debbie, but for himself as well.

Cain was just looking at him, unfathomable, until Debbie started speaking. She was staring, eyes deadened in the distance, tears still running down her face. “There is no place for me here, anymore.”

“Debbie.” Cain walked towards her and crouched, took her face in his hands and Aaron felt like he was intruding, the gesture so oddly intimate that he felt the sudden urge to leave. Cain didn’t say much, just repeated her name over and over again, thumbs soothing at her cheeks, smearing tears as she shook.

He got it, got what it meant to be comforted by someone. But every time someone had touched him lately, even when it had just been a small touch on the arm, he had felt this panic inside his chest, which had clung to his chest and wrapped around his throat.

Debbie had to leave to find herself again. It might not be what Cain wanted for her. He wanted to care for her, keep her safe. And if she would stay, she would have money and food and clothes and people would cradle around her and love her, look after her. But that was not what mattered. What mattered was that _she_ felt safe. That she could feel alive again.

“It’s gonna be alright,” Cain’s voice was pitched low for just her to hear. The two of them huddled on the couch, so Aaron slipped away into the kitchen, helped himself to a glass of water and paced around the small room as he listened to Debbie sob: “I feel so alone, Dad. I am so scared…I don’t know what to do.”

“I know. I know,” Cain responded and he sounded as if he was barely holding himself together: “But it’s gonna be fine. I am always here if you need me.”

Guilt simmered inside Aaron’s chest by the tone in Cain’s voice, knowing his words had caused for Cain to lose his daughter. He didn’t tamp the feeling down. He felt so much pain and agony inside his chest. For Debbie, for Cain. For himself. His whole body was shaking with too many hidden emotions. He needed some air, he needed to calm down. The room was too small but Aaron still wandered, avoiding going back to the living room and facing Cain’s pained expression, Debbie’s haunted eyes.

“Aaron?”

He turned around when he heard the sudden voice of his cousin close by and as he did, he saw her standing there, arms folded, a sad look in her eyes. Aaron’s heart tightened by the look in those eyes, which had held so much light and fierceness before, but now looked empty and hollow.

“Thank you. You seem to understand it. Just thank you,” Debbie whispered as she looked up at him with hollow, big eyes and Aaron felt like he was losing his own footing by the look in her eyes. He had no idea what he needed to say.

“I…I don’t...”

Quicksand sucked and cemented Aaron to the floor and he stilled as Debbie walked forward and hugged him. She held him close as Aaron’s heart started to beat rapidly against his chest. No one had touched him like this ever since his father had all those days ago and he was on the threshold of being pulled back into his past as she wrapped her arms around him even tighter.

He stared without seeing anything, equal parts horrified and strained and suddenly he was hot skin and jumping backwards, pushing Debbie away, shifting straight through walls, through space and time and suddenly--

_Do you want to play a game, son? This will feel good, I promise._

Sounding like a foghorn through Aaron’s head, loud and racing through his mind and he couldn’t block it out, couldn’t ignore it because that voice in his head was back. Aaron was not even here, stuck somewhere in the past.

He was going to be sick if he didn’t get out of here right now.

The panic attack hit full blast before he got to the door, wheezing and clutching at his chest and feeling racking shivers throughout his frame that had nothing to do with temperature. Aaron folded in on himself, nearly spineless, air burning into his lungs and leaving in needle-like gasps and all he could see was his father.

“Aaron! You alright?” Hands on his shoulders, pulling him upright but he could barely stand. Cain’s hands were on his face but he couldn’t feel them, couldn’t feel anything, because he was going to be sick all over the floor if he didn’t get out of here right the fuck now. “Hey, hey, look at me. Aaron!”

“Fine,” Aaron grunted, spots in his vision, bile in his throat. Debbie hovered out of the corner of Aaron’s eye, and goddammit why were they taking care of _him_? Debbie was the one who needed to be comforted, was the one who was not coping being here.

The sudden thought of him not coping either, jumped up inside Aaron’s mind and he nearly dry heaved.

Chest tightening painfully like someone had grabbed his heart and twisted just so, and Aaron was going to tear out his own hair and start screaming if he didn’t _do_ something other than stand here, a few feet from the person who reminded him so much of himself, it scared him. Cain was still looking at him, concerned and Aaron couldn’t handle that look, couldn’t deal with it right now.

“Are you okay?” Cain repeated the question again, and Aaron didn’t deserve that question. His fault. All his fault.

“Need some air,” he gasped like a fish out of water.

Cain followed Aaron out the door, even dove forward when Aaron nearly toppled over the threshold. The floor was pitching upward to meet Aaron but he didn’t care, as long as he was moving away. Every step he took forward was another he took backwards, slipping back days, weeks, months. Years.

It seemed running from the past evidently only caught up with him in the end.

“Aaron, I know it’s a lot to take in, after what happened to you.” Cain said close to his ear, touching him.

“Yeah well, I know how she feels,” Aaron said, his voice raspy, on edge.

And then Debbie was there, standing just behind Cain’s shoulder, staring at him, big round eyes and Aaron realized she heard his words, knew what it meant. Where he was talking about. And everything seemed to spiral out of control after that. It was too much, everything was just too much. “What are you--” Debbie started when she finally found her voice again.

But nausea took precedent over explanation and Aaron was gone, so far gone and already eight, nine, ten years in the past, backtracking fast and he could already hear that fucking voice in his head.

It was not the same, Aaron tried to rationalize. Debbie was not like him. But Debbie had been raped just the same; she must feel the same, a body that once had a person in it, someone who laughed, drove, had a favourite soda and a favourite song.

“Aaron!”

He took off, knowing Cain wouldn’t follow him because Cain had to take care of Debbie and that was how it should be. Aaron didn’t deserve that sort of care, hadn’t even begun to earn it in the thick amounts of apologies he’d tattooed on his skin, invisible in the day light, showing in the realms of dreams.

Aaron left, Cain didn’t follow, as a too familiar voice rang in his ears, while he made his way to his car.

He drove, drove with the windows wide open until his teeth chattered and his cheeks burned from the cold wind, drove until oxygen forced its way down his trachea again, drove and felt internal screams wrack his bones until he could barely see straight for what he was feeling, drove by landmarks and headlights, forwent speed limits and traffic signals, drove to forget, but could only remember.

He drove and he drove and he drove.

And then he drove some more.

xXx

Robert didn’t know how fast he had to run to his car when he saw Aaron racing to his car and driving away in a frantic manner. He had no idea where Aaron was going, only knew he had to follow him. He had seen the clear panic on his face and his heart lurched by the thought, not knowing what had happened, or what Aaron was thinking. He tried to keep up, but Aaron drove fast and reckless. He had no idea how long they were driving for, several moments during the drive he was afraid he had lost Aaron. Eventually, after what felt like hours, he saw Aaron’s car making a turn to the left, onto a small country road.

When he made his way on the desolate country road, lined with trees, into the woods, his heart was racing in his chest, not sure what Aaron was doing at a place like this, memories of Aaron telling him how he tried to kill himself not so long ago, echoing through his mind.

It was not until he had parked his car next to Aaron’s and had gotten out of the car, he noticed Aaron sitting against a large tree. He was curled into himself, as if he was trying to protect himself from his own thoughts.

Robert wasn’t sure what to do as he walked up to Aaron, wasn’t even sure Aaron would appreciate seeing him, knowing how their last encounter had gone down.

It seemed like Aaron hadn’t even heard him approaching, as he didn’t look up when Robert was standing almost right in front of him. “Mind if I sit here?” Robert asked, his voice low and hoarse.

He noticed the small tensing of Aaron’s shoulders when Robert spoke and Robert tried to ignore the pang of hurt in his chest as he sat down next to Aaron, his back against the tree, making sure not to touch him.

“You alright?”

It hurt to talk to him, hell, it even hurt to look at him, because all he saw was pain, in the tired posture, the skittering twitch of Aaron’s facial muscles as his expression shifted from trepidation to exhaustion to hurt and back again. Shattered, too late for Robert to help.

But he needed try, wanted to try.

“Not really.” Aaron looked at him for a moment, wide blue eyes in sunken sockets, before he looked away again and shivered involuntarily. “But that’s not really your problem, is it? Nor anyone else’s.”

Robert had no idea what to say to that. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings, as he tried to find the right words to say. The sky was grey, the clouds ominous and threatening and Robert knew it was going to rain soon.

“You aren’t coping well, are ya?” Robert eventually said, his voice soft, earnest.

Aaron just shrugged and looked down at his hands. The sleeves of his sweater were pulled back and as Robert’s attention was pulled towards them, he realized with a sickening lurch in his stomach that both arms were completely raw, freshly scarred within the last few days.

There were scars along both his wrists, long marks scratched neatly, four on the exposed flesh of his forearms.

Robert conceded that he was probably hurting himself again, but knew he shouldn’t ask about them because it really wasn’t his business, as Aaron had just reminded him off. But the horrible feeling that had settled in his chest, wouldn’t subside, no matter how well Robert tried to rationalize those feelings of worry and sadness. But he knew he shouldn’t say anything about it, as it would only push Aaron further away and Robert didn’t know if he would be able to reach him there.

Still Robert quelled the urge to reach over and lay his hand on Aaron, knowing he’d freak out, not to mention pull away at the contact. Aaron seemed to have noticed him staring at the scars on his wrists as he pulled his sleeves down at once.

He couldn’t fix him. The realization fell soft on his chest and Robert felt short of breath with it. He couldn’t help him. Aaron was shattered, and Robert was left with only the shards and pieces. He would never be like the person he had been before.

But that didn’t mean he had to stop living because of it.

xXx

Robert’s gaze was focused on the scars on Aaron’s arms and Aaron hurried to cover them up. He could tell by the way Robert’s jaw tightened that Robert had seen the scars on his wrists and had figured out exactly what it meant. When he looked back up at Robert, there was only sadness pinched between Robert’s eyebrows as their eyes met.

The look in Robert’s eyes tightened his chest. He had tried to keep it hidden from everyone, he had been self-harming again and in one careless moment, he had given it away. Still the sadness in Robert’s eyes got to Aaron more than any other emotion would have done. It didn’t occur to Aaron until he started blinking back sudden tears that Robert’s eyes were only reflecting the way Aaron himself felt inside; sad, aching. He couldn’t handle that. Just with one expression, Robert had cracked open just a tiny sliver of the shield Aaron had built around him in the last week. And even that was too much. So he broke the eye contact and looked away.

They were both silent as Aaron tried to reign his emotions back in and he took in his surroundings. In this old forest, the trees rose upward forever, the canopy above was distant, like clouds of green. Even with arms out-stretched Aaron knew he would’ve never even been able to reach even half around their bark trunks.

“I like this place,” Aaron croaked lamely, taking a sideward glance at Robert and realized Robert was still looking at him. It was not pity Robert had written in the lines of his face, but rather empathy. And Aaron realized he was not irritated with the way Robert was looking at him, as he had been with every other person who had been giving him those looks. Somehow, he felt like Robert understood him.

Which was stupid, to think that Robert got how Aaron felt and wanted to share that hollowed out grief with Aaron. But after a week of distance, the emotional support from Robert, emotional anything from Robert, really, was a balm to the jagged edges in Aaron’s chest.

“Yeah, you picked a good place to stop.”

Aaron heard the unspoken thoughts behind those words, knowing what they implied, realizing he had been driving like a crazy person. Robert was just glad he had stopped and hadn’t driven himself literally to his death. Aaron’s mouth twisted in pain at the thought of hurting Robert that way. He couldn’t quite remember at what point in the last ten minutes he had stopped wishing for Robert to leave him alone and had simply started appreciating him being there.

It was still there. Between all the chaos of what happened with his father, Aaron still cared for Robert and deep down knew it was never going away. And in that moment Aaron realized he was allowed to feel, to feel conflicted by the whole thing. He judged Robert, couldn’t be with Robert, knowing what he had done, but still loved him just the same.

It hurt like hell but Aaron was too exhausted to fight against all those emotions. Somewhere inside of him, he hoped that everything would just fade in time. He bit his tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave his eyes. And that was when he couldn't hold them back. First, one small crystal bead escaped from his right eye. He could feel the warmth, sliding down his cheek, and rolling off his chin. Then another. And another. Until his eyes flooded with them, coming like a rainfall. Robert didn’t say a word as he cried, didn’t touch him, just sat next to him and gave him time to pick himself up again. Aaron took some deep intakes of breath, as the air stuttered in his lungs, before he had the strength to look back up at Robert, who was still staring worriedly at him.

Aaron tried to find his voice, as he wiped the tears from his face. “It’s stupid, isn’t it? Freaking out like that,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“I don’t think...” Robert started, but Aaron interrupted him, suddenly feeling stupid for running away like that, for crying like that in front of Robert.

“It is.”

Aaron took in another shuddering breath, as he stared at the sky where dark clouds were gathering. It was almost scary how well the weather was reflecting his mood. “I am never getting passed this. I don’t have the strength to keep on fighting,” Aaron confessed softly, as he still stared at the sky, trying to fight back the tears which were still threatening to fall.

“You don’t have to do it alone, Aaron,” Robert replied, his voice soft.

“It feels like I have to,” Aaron replied, as he moved his eyes to Robert’s again. “But I can’t.”

They stared at one another again, and something else zinged between them, something deep, while they listened as droplets of rain started falling. Aaron tried to figure out what was happening as their gazes stayed connected and Aaron’s heart seemed to miss a beat, feeling as if every single emotion Robert was feeling was written all over his face. A moment later Robert cleared his throat and looked away.

“Look.” Robert leaned forward, balanced his elbows on his knees. “I don’t really know what’s going on in your head, but… if you need help, all you have to do is ask.”

“I can’t… I just can’t. I can’t have you around. All I see is…” Aaron stumbled over the words, as his chest tightened by Robert’s words, feeling as if his brain had suddenly connected to the real world again and to all of the things that had happened lately.

“I’ve been trying to give you space,” Robert spoke emphatically. “to be respectful. Have been all week. You’ve...you’re dealing with something terrible and I don’t want to force myself on you while I am partly the one who triggers those thoughts.”

Aaron closed his eyes against the sharp pain in his chest, crying from the inside. “You cannot help me,” he softly stated, before he looked back up at Robert, tears stinging in his eyes.

“I know,” Robert’s emotional pain seeped out in those two words and it hurt to hear them, hurt to read them. Aaron sensed that what Robert had done, shooting his dad, troubled him inside. Even though Robert had never shown remorse for it before. Yet Aaron knew Robert had done it with good intentions. There was so much goodness in Robert, bravery, tenacity.

Aaron gulped, knowing what he needed if he wanted to get out of this, knowing he needed to accept it, before it was too late. As his eyes found Robert’s, he found the strength inside himself to finally ask for it. “But I do need help.”

Aaron’s breathing stuttered when his own words settled near his skin, not really sure what he had thought would’ve happened, speaking those words. The emotions on Robert’s face didn’t change, he just nodded softly. “Then let us find you some, yeah?”

Aaron looked away from him, before he nodded his head slowly. Robert stood up and reached out his hand.

It took Aaron just a moment of hesitation before he took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, let me know what you think! It means the world to me! <333


	27. Letting you in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! Finally finished a new chapter! I hope you will like it! Enjoy! <333

Aaron looked at the large bookshelf at the other side of the room, trying to grasp if there was a difference in how he felt right now and when Gordon had last hurt him when he had been just a teenager. He didn’t look at the woman in front of him, who was silently and calmly waiting for Aaron to gather his thoughts.

After Gordon had last hurt him when he had still been living with him, Aaron remembered the pain that had come with it. It had been sharp. He had lost himself in all those years he had spent in his father’s care. It wasn’t like that now. Now, he felt disgusted with himself, could feel the touch of his father on his skin, could almost smell him when he was finally able to fall asleep. He was enraged at his father for hurting him like that again. He was ashamed at himself for still not being able to fight back.

But he wasn’t losing himself, like he had done all those years ago. He knew who he was, what he was. Right now, the hardest part of it all was that he had to learn how to forgive himself for what had happened. Right now, but also in his past.

That pain, forgiving himself, was too raw to really deal with. He knew he had to, his therapist had told him he wouldn’t really be able to move on if he couldn’t forgive himself. But that, right now, that was a fresh pain; a constant painful twisting in his heart and Aaron wanted the sky to fall straight down on his head and crush him flat because he was pretty sure he never wanted to feel. Not ever again.

“Are you okay?”

Aaron raised his eyes to hers. For the first time since his father had hurt him, he didn’t feel like he had to lie.

“No. No I’m not.”

The therapy sessions helped him more than Aaron could really explain in words. He could tell that her concern, however calm and professional, was genuine. He wondered if he could ask her what she thought of everything Aaron had told her so far, but for now he sat there and just told her his story. From beginning till end.

His whole story.

Until, maybe, eventually, he could learn to let it go.

xXx

Aaron was sitting on the couch, watching TV, switching from one channel to another. Therapy had been tiring. Every time he came back from a therapy session, he felt drained. He wondered if that feeling would ever go away. It had been his fourth. After Robert and he had come back from their talk in the woods, Chas had immediately called a therapist and he had seen her the day after. His mother had dropped him off the first two times, as if she had been afraid he wouldn’t go otherwise. But after talking to Robert he knew it was the right decision. No matter how hard it was to admit, he needed professional help, he knew it wouldn’t end well if he would never have any help at all.

He had consciously kept his distance from Robert. He had wanted to talk to him on multiple occasions, but when he saw Robert, crossing him on the street, or passing each other at the shop, he had no idea what to say to him, no idea how to put his own feelings into words. He had no idea how to say sorry for what he had said, to find a way to make it all alright again. So he decided to stay away, hoping that one day, Robert would come to see him and talk to him. But now, leaning against the back of the couch, he wondered if that would ever happen, as he hadn’t talked to him in around two weeks.

He looked up when the door to the pub opened and Debbie appeared in sight. “Hiya, mind if I come in?” she asked calmly.

Aaron sat up a bit straighter. He hadn’t talked to her ever since he had stormed off. He was almost certain she knew and had come here to talk to him about it. And after two hours of therapy Aaron wasn’t really ready to talk about it again. But it seemed like he wasn’t given much of a choice. “Yeah, sure. Come in.”

Debbie entered and closed the door behind her. She walked over and sat herself next to him on the couch, all the while Aaron looked on. Debbie was looking at her hands as if she was finding the right words to say, before she looked up at him, saw him staring and looked back at her hands again. “Guess we’re quite the pair,” Debbie eventually said, before she looked up at him again.

Aaron smiled at her, but he knew the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Debbie sighed and turned a little further towards him. “I’m sorry, Aaron. For the other day. If I had known, I wouldn’t have touched you,” her voice was honest and quite soft, as if she wasn’t sure she should even bring it up.

Aaron tensed up by Debbie’s words, although he had already figured she knew what had happened to him, but he realized guessing and knowing where two totally different things. “It’s not your fault.”

“You’ve never talked about it? With anyone?”

Aaron shook his head. “Not when it happened, no.”

“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t either. Telling the police was bad enough. But telling dad…everyone…” Debbie was staring in front of her, as if she was caught up in her thoughts. She blinked a few times, as if she remembered where she was and said hastily: “I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t wanna talk about this. I’m going.” She made a gesture as if she wanted to get up, but Aaron suddenly spoke: “It’s okay. If it helps you, talk.”

Aaron wasn’t even sure why he spoke. Maybe it was because he had heard something in her voice, maybe it was because she had sought him out to talk to. Either way, he knew he couldn’t just let her leave like that. And if there was one thing he had learned in his therapy sessions, it was that talking helped. It helped to make sense of what had happened, to finally voice it out loud, to let go of all the emotions which were tangled within them.

“I don’t really know where to start,” Debbie confessed.

Aaron didn’t answer, just gave her time to gather her thoughts.

She was looking right in front her again, as if she was trying to find the right words to say, as if she was trying to figure out what exactly she wanted to say.

“He hurt me,” she eventually just said. Aaron’s heart contracted painfully. He hated to think about it, but he knew it was true. Right now, he was probably the only one who understood her, whom really got where she had been through. How a person she had trusted so deeply, had hurt her in the most terrible way. How she had let him inside her house, not knowing what would happen the moment she had. He wanted to say something, soothe the ache that Debbie had to be feeling, but he couldn’t find the words, as he knew her story was only going to get worse. “He raped me and there was nothing I could’ve done to stop that from happening. I have never felt this hopeless in my life.” Debbie was staring into the distance, as if she was stuck somewhere else. “And I know everybody means well, and they try to be there for me. But they don’t understand what it is like. I can’t…I can’t even look at my own children without seeing him. They look so much like him, especially Jack. Even now he is behind bars, it’s still there. Nothing has changed for me.” Debbie trembled, taking a shaky inhale that caught and held in her throat and he realized she could speak no more, too caught up in her emotions.

“My dad first hurt me when I was eight,” Aaron wasn’t quite sure why he suddenly started speaking, but there was something in Debbie’s eyes that made him want to share, just for her to know there was someone out there who knew what it was like. Knew how horrible she felt.

“Your dad? Did he...”

Aaron just nodded. “Yeah.”

Debbie’s face was filled with so many different kind of emotions Aaron couldn’t make sense of them. And if Aaron was completely honest to himself, he didn’t want to read them either.

“He has hurt me a lot. I never really understood why. What I did to deserve it,” Aaron breathed. “But he did it and it made me feel ashamed of myself, disgusted with myself. When I finally left, I thought to myself, never again. I would never let him get close to me again. He would never hurt me again.”

Aaron took a trembling breath, recalling the moment he had seen his father again after all those years. “And then he came back.” He stopped talking and he simply breathed.

“Jesus, Aaron.”

Aaron didn’t even really register, he was still talking. It just felt like now he finally started, he wasn’t able to stop. “When I came here at sixteen, I finally thought I could leave everything behind me. That I was finally free, released from him. But when he came back, I had the feeling it started all over again. It took me such a long time to get his voice out of my head. And now he’s back. He’s back in here.” Aaron pressed two fingers against his skull. “And I have to start all over again. And all because of him, of what he did.”

“Aaron.” The name fell as a statement in the space between them, and Aaron felt as if he was bleeding when he heard her say it like that. He couldn’t avoid the broken, open look on Debbie’s face. “You don’t… you don’t have to talk about it, I-” It sounded like it was too painful to hear him talk about it.

“But I do,” Aaron cut her off sharply, needing for her to understand: “I do. And do you know why?”

Debbie didn’t ask, but Aaron told her anyway, because he felt like she needed to hear it.

“Because it helps. Talking about it helps. I have tried to run away from it all my life, trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I didn’t want to face it. But then he came back and it felt like I was that little kid again. I wish I had talked about it then, because I would’ve been able to put it all behind me then. But now, I still have to deal with everything that has happened.” Aaron locked his eyes with Debbie’s, before he stated: “Don’t be like me.”

Debbie swallowed, but didn’t reply. Aaron took a deep intake of breath, looking away, before he continued, his voice hoarse: “He took away my childhood, but I will not let him control my future as well. I have a right to live, a right to be happy.” Aaron’s eyes came to rest on Debbie again. “You do too.”

Unshed tears were visible in Debbie’s eyes. “But how?” she asked, her voice trembling lightly. “How do you get passed it?”

“My mum, Jackson, Cain. Robert…” Aaron’s lips twitched upward by the taste of Robert’s name on his tongue, and he stared past the shades of the window into the dark and rainy village before them, but he didn’t really see it at all, his mind stuck in the past. “They all helped me get passed it. They helped me in their own way.”

Aaron pulled his eyes away from the window and rested his eyes on Debbie again. “It will get better. Every new day, it will get a little better. It will never disappear completely. But it will get better.”

Debbie just nodded her head, while a single, lonely tear ran down her face.

“Don’t let him ruin you. You are an amazing person, Debs.” Debbie looked back at Aaron now, and she smiled hesitantly, through her tears, warming Aaron inside out. He smiled lightly back at her and he realized this was the first real smile he saw of her ever since it all began and suddenly he realized something. “You’re the same person you were before. You don’t know it, you might not feel like it, but you are. You’re a good person, caring, loving. Don’t let that be taken away from you. Don’t let what happened to you, define you as a person. He isn’t worth it.”

Slow desolate tears ran from her unblinking eyes and dripped steadily down her soft cheeks, before Debbie nodded silently.

“Your dad,” Debbie eventually asked. “What happened to him?”

Aaron tensed by her question, but he hoped it didn’t show. “He died. Passed away not such a long time ago,” he tried to keep his voice as neutral as he was able to.

Debbie nodded her head as if she understood. And Aaron realized this was the one thing he would never be able to talk about with her. Only four, or five if he included Adam, who only knew half of it, knew and he had to keep it that way. He would do anything to keep Robert safe. He cleared his throat before he continued: “But it doesn’t change anything. Not really. Knowing he is dead, doesn’t change that disgusted feeling every morning when I get out of bed. It doesn’t change what he did to me.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Debbie was still crying, her shoulders shaking with grief, tears streaming down her already wet cheeks. In the end, he reached out to lay his hand over hers, rested his fingertips momentarily along the back of Debbie’s hand and hoped it was enough, meant it as a gesture of comfort to the both of them.

Debbie took a shuddering breath and said: “But I will not be the victim either. I deserve to be happy. _We_ deserve to be happy.” Debbie smiled at him through her tears and Aaron nodded his head slowly, as Debbie took his hand, which was still lying on top of hers in her hand.

Aaron felt tears prick in the corners of his eyes by her words, and his rib cage threatened to crack, something violent and brilliant stuttering in his heart. He felt it, right there, running through his veins. And he got it, he finally fucking got it.

He deserved to be happy.

xXx

Despite the sleepless hours in the nights and the exhaustion that followed the days after, sleep didn’t come to Robert, his body too restless and antsy to even get a little sleep. He wasn’t even afraid the cops would end up at his doorstep. The talk with Cain had assured him, nothing could come back to bite him. And even though he wasn’t particular fond of Cain, he knew he could trust him when it came down to that.

He wasn’t worried at all. He was hurt.

That day, when Aaron had run away and he had talked to Aaron underneath that tree, Aaron had been so broken, Aaron had been so alone. But Robert had realized that was the only reason Aaron had let him help him that day, because Aaron had seen no other way out.

Robert had thought they had made a step closer to each other, but after he had gotten Aaron back to Chas and he had explained what had happened and Chas had called a therapist, Robert hadn’t seen or heard from Aaron. In the first few days, it was hard to understand why. He had been there for Aaron when he had needed him most. Robert had felt something sizzle between them that day. And he had thought Aaron had felt something too. But as the days passed by and Aaron didn’t seek him out, it became clear to Robert, him shooting his dad, was a too large a bridge for Aaron to cross.

The heartache he had felt when Aaron had told him they were over, had settled underneath his skin, constantly with him like a dull pain inside of his chest. His insides still felt as raw as if a winter wind was constantly blowing right through his skin. That conversation haunted him, taunted him, replaying like an echo. Hiss appetite had dwindled to nothing. He stayed inside most of the time so he wouldn't have to witness life going on as usual. As if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t lost everything. As if he wasn’t all alone. Again.

He refused to go and see Aaron. He had told Aaron what he thought, what he felt. It was Aaron’s turn to make a move. But as the days passed by, Robert started to grasp that that move would maybe never come. And after two weeks of nothing but silence, Robert knew it was true, realizing that Aaron wasn’t coming to talk to him, really had given up on them. His heart seemed to sink in his chest, the hope being crushed on the knowledge Aaron had truly given up, had spoken the truth when he had told him they were done.

He’d barely managed a few hours of sleep that morning and realized, when he sat on the edge of the bed, there was nothing to stay for anymore, nothing to keep him here. Even though it hurt to admit it to himself, he would rather be gone than see Aaron look at him with that look, Robert had seen in Aaron’s eyes so many times lately, as if, when Aaron looked at him, all he saw was nothing more than a murderer.

He began to pack his things, after he wrote a letter to his sister and Diane. He knew deep inside they would hate him for leaving like this. Something in him told him to go to the pub to at least say goodbye to Victoria, as he knew she was working there at the moment, but he didn’t. It was better to avoid Aaron and everyone else. Robert had never been great at goodbyes anyway and he was not about to start now. He started by packing his clothes, beginning to put everything in his suitcase, until the sun shining through the window caught his attention.

He slowly walked over and leaned against the wall. The warm morning sun shining in his eyes, as he looked out of the window. He smiled sadly at himself, as his eyes drifted over the landscape outside the window. This particular view of the village wasn’t half bad.

He was going to miss this place terribly, couldn’t really track when it exactly had become home, just knew that it had. He sighed deeply and tore his gaze away from the landscape in front of him. He grabbed a folder from his bedside table and looked through it, until he threw it into the bin, knowing there was no use for it now, not anymore. He walked to the bathroom and grabbed his stuff, throwing everything into the toiletry. He zipped it up and walked back into the room, just to be stopped in his tracks by a figure standing in the doorway.

“Hiya.”

Robert swallowed loudly, frozen to the spot, not knowing how to react at Aaron’s sudden appearance. All their unspoken words stood like the elephant in the room, huge and raw between them. Robert couldn’t really grasp what Aaron was doing here, hadn’t expected for him to show up like that.

Aaron sounded a bit more like himself, and though he looked exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes looking more haunting than they had done the last time Robert had laid eyes on him, his eyes were clear of drowsiness, even as they squinted against the sunlight streaming into the room.

“Hi,” Robert said, his voice hoarse and raw from emotions. He felt a strange swell in his throat, making it unable for him to say anything else. He had had enough hours in the night to properly think through what he would say to Aaron if Aaron would show up. But now he was actually standing in the doorway, Robert realized all his well-formed plans and words had left his mind.

He couldn’t even make himself look at Aaron, all he managed was a sideward glance, before he walked over to his suitcase and put his toiletry bag inside of it, before continuing folding his clothes. Aaron didn’t move for a moment, as if he hadn’t expected to find Robert packing his things, until he took a few steps into the room, burying his hands in his pockets when he stood still again.

When Aaron finally spoke, his voice was nothing but a low whisper, his voice rough and quiet.

“Are you leaving?”

Robert swallowed, trying to find his voice. When he finally did, he tried to keep his voice as neutral as he could manage: “Like you said; I can’t help you. But I can’t be here and see you from a distance, wishing I could be there for you, knowing how you see me, how you think of me. I just can’t.” Robert could feel the pressure on his chest increasing. He had never spoken truer words, but it hurt to admit it out loud.

A silence fell over them, his words hanging in the air between them, until Aaron broke the silence, his voice hoarse: “I’m sorry for what I did, what I said, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s just been too much. How he…he tried to…” He was almost certain Aaron moved two shaky hands over his face, before he moved them down again and Robert could feel Aaron’s eyes burning holes in his body. “If you hadn’t been there, if you hadn’t…shot him…I don’t know what would have happened.”

Robert didn’t answer, just kept on packing, but he couldn’t help but listen to Aaron, as Aaron talked on: “I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean anything I said that night.”

“Yes, you did,” Robert replied flatly. He didn’t want to have another fight with Aaron. Not again. He was so tired of fighting.

He felt more than he saw Aaron moved closer. “No, I didn’t. I can’t do this without you. Please, Robert,” Aaron pleaded, his voice so soft, Robert hardly heard him.

Robert closed his eyes against Aaron’s words, against his heart which had started to beat faster against his chest. He clenched his jaw before he said: “I am not a punching bag, Aaron. You can’t just push me out like that and apologize to me three weeks later and expect everything to be alright again.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Robert just sighed and couldn’t resist the urge to look at Aaron any longer. When he turned around and looked at Aaron, he noticed how broken he looked, how tired he looked. He knew how much everything had hit Aaron. Robert couldn’t even fully understand how Aaron was still able to get out of bed every morning.

Aaron’s eyes were shining sadly when he took another step closer. “My mum told me you stayed that whole night, after…well, you know,” he said softly, his eyes not wavering from Robert’s.

All Robert could do was nod, breaking the eye contact and burying his hands into his pockets.

“Thank you,” Aaron just added softly and the tone in Aaron’s voice made Robert look back up. “I know everything is a big mess right now, but I want you to know I don’t blame you in any way for killing my dad.”

“Don’t you?” Robert asked wary, not really believing Aaron, not capable of forgetting the words Aaron had spoken all those nights ago.

“No. I don’t.” Robert let go of the breath he unconsciously had been holding. The hesitation, which he had been afraid off of being there, wasn’t there and Robert relaxed a bit more, the tension leaving his shoulders. “I was just scared of losing you, knowing you could go to prison because of me…” Aaron shuddered.

“Not because of you, Aaron. None of this is your fault,” Robert said before he could stop himself. But hearing Aaron blame himself, touched something deep inside of Robert, knowing he would never let Aaron blame himself for what had happened. Ever.

Aaron looked up at him for a moment, as if he was trying to read him, before he looked away and just nodded his head, biting his lip. His voice was nothing more than a whisper when he said: “I know it probably doesn’t matter and I understand if we are over, but I feel better when I’ve talked to you. No matter where we talk about, you are the one who can make me feel… normal.”

For a moment Robert had no idea what to say to Aaron’s revelation. Eventually he mumbled: “Thank you.”

Robert sat down on the bed and after a moment of hesitation Aaron sat down beside him. Silence fell between them. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but it was far from comfortable as well. They were both lost in their own thoughts. Robert felt like there was so much more that needed to be said, but at the same time, couldn’t find the right words to say. At least they were talking again. Robert couldn’t have imagined that when he had woken up that morning.

When Robert took a sideways glance at Aaron, he noticed Aaron’s hands were shaking and worry settled in his chest at once. “Aaron, what’s wrong?”

Aaron shook his head and said softly: “It’s nothing.”

But Aaron didn’t look at him and Robert knew there was something and he realized that talking about it, really talking about how he _felt_ and not just about what had happened, maybe this could be the first time Aaron had finally been able to let every emotion show, no pretences, no secrets. And it was breaking down his walls he had built up so carefully in the last few weeks. Aaron moved a hand over his eyes. His voice was so soft when he spoke, Robert could hardly hear the words: “He said he did it. Before you came, he said he did it.”

Robert was taken aback for a moment, hadn’t thought Gordon would ever admit to Aaron he did hurt him. Even though he tried to hurt Aaron again, him admitting that must’ve been such a big change for Aaron.

“I had never thought he would,” Aaron confessed softly, still not looking up. “It hurt so much, those few little words. It’s strange to know he really acknowledged hurting me. But I kind of feel that because of it I can close it, for myself, you know.” Aaron screwed up his face, before he added, his voice insecure: “I don’t know, sorry, it sounds stupid.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Robert replied, his voice just as rough and soft as Aaron’s. “Maybe you always somehow needed the confirmation it hadn’t been all in your head. That he did hurt you.”

Tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes, as he nodded his head, but he wiped them away the moment they appeared. “I’m so tired of crying,” he said a moment later.

“I have to say, you do cry more than any other person I ever met. Even my sister doesn’t cry as much,” Robert replied, his tone soft and light.

Aaron snorted, although the sound came out a bit shaky. “Thanks.”

Aaron’s breathe stuttered when he breathed out and muttered: “Maybe I can finally put it behind me. You know, move on.”

“You are strong, Aaron. Stronger than you are aware off. I know you will find a way.”

Aaron just nodded, before he looked at Robert with a sad smile around his lips, his eyes wandering off to the suitcase on the bed a moment later, the smile gliding from his face. “Were you really planning on leaving?”

“I was hurt and…scared,” Robert admitted after a moment. “Scared you really saw me that way. Nothing but a murderer. Even though I hated to admit it to myself, I understood why you told me it was over. It was just hard to take, knowing you broke up with me because I killed your dad. So I decided to leave, at least for a while.”

“It wasn’t that, really,” Aaron clarified. “As you pointed out that night, I was just scared and messed up. I didn’t know what to think. Where my head was at.”

“I know. I get it.”

“I don’t feel anything but emptiness now I know he is dead. I just thought it would feel different, you know. That I would feel… happy. I guess part off me still can’t believe he’s really gone. I don’t know. It feels weird. Part of me is relieved though, knowing he can’t hurt me anymore.”

“We’ll get through this,” Robert stated calmly.

“We?” Aaron’s face filled with hope as he looked up at Robert, laced with a little hesitation, as if he wasn’t sure he could believe what he was hearing. Robert hadn’t even realized he had used the word we, until Aaron had pointed it out. And Robert realized it had been clear to him he would stay the moment Aaron had walked into the room.

“Yes, we,” Robert replied honestly, earnest. “If you still want me.”

“Of course,” Aaron answered at once, almost falling over the words, before he caught himself and added, a bit softer: “Of course I want you.”

Robert smiled, warmth settling in his chest. “Good,” was all he said, before he stood up and added: “Guess I can unpack this now then.”

“Robert,” Aaron suddenly said, standing up and coming a bit closer. Robert looked up from the place where he had just pulled his shirts from his suitcase. He was caught off guard by the open look in Aaron’s eyes and he wondered what was going on in Aaron’s mind. Aaron seemed to hesitate for a moment, not sure about himself, but a moment later he looked up and said softly: “I love you.”

All Robert could do was smile at him, his heart singing in his chest.

Finally, Aaron was there and maybe there was still so much unsaid between them, but when Aaron kept on looking at him, biting his lower lip, Robert had the feeling as if he couldn’t breathe anymore, completely taken aback by the look in his eyes. He wanted to walk over and hold Aaron in his arms again, but not sure if he would be crossing a line if he did, he stayed where he was. But Aaron’s eyes didn’t waver from his face and he walked slowly over to Robert until he stood in front of him. Aaron entered Robert’s personal space and wrapped his arms around Robert, hesitantly, as if he wasn’t really sure if what he was doing, would be accepted. Robert just wrapped his arms around Aaron’s body and pulled Aaron into him. Robert buried his face into the crook of Aaron’s neck and just sighed as Aaron’s arms tangled themselves tighter around Robert’s body. Aaron leaned into him, holding him close. Robert took in his scent, even the sound of his heart beating, felt Aaron’s hard muscled body against his own. Aaron’s warmth seeped into his being and it comforted Robert without having to speak, like he belonged to Aaron, like Aaron belonged to him.

And in that moment, that was all that mattered.

xXx

Rays of brightness casted squares onto the wooden floor, reflecting onto several objects in the room which decorated its simplicity. They were sitting on the bed, resting with their backs against the headrest, not talking. Their silence was somehow comforting and spoke for itself, it was peaceful in a way where he felt at home and knew that no matter what was happening, Robert was forever there for him.

Aaron looked around the room. Robert had put his stuff away again. The room was clean and felt as calm as Aaron felt. He hadn’t felt this calm in ages, and he knew it had everything to do with having Robert with him. It still shocked Aaron how much impact Robert really had on his mood and how much he had missed him the last couple of weeks.

After his talk with Debbie, he’d realized there had never been a choice to make. He deserved to be happy, and he’d known for quite a while who he wanted to share that happiness with.

His eyes landed on the bin and he noticed a folder was stuck inside of it. He moved and pulled it out, before he said: “What’s this?”

Aaron was about to open it, but before he had the chance, Robert snatched it from Aaron’s hand. “Nothing. It’s not important,” Robert muttered and put the folder underneath his pillow, so Aaron couldn’t reach it. Aaron frowned in confusion.

“You could just tell me what it is, you know,” Aaron argued.

Robert’s eyes landed on him. “I _will_ tell you, now is just not the time.”

Aaron just stared at Robert for a moment, contemplating if he should press the subject, but eventually decided to let it slide. So he nodded his head and Robert smiled at him, before he said, changing the subject: “How is therapy?”

Aaron bit his lower lip, trying to find the right words to answer that question, then he realized he didn’t have to make up a story, all he needed to do was to be honest.

“It’s okay, I guess. It’s hard, you know, to talk about some of it. Sometimes I feel like quitting all together, because it’s hard to relive every moment. Especially the first session was tough.” Aaron cleared his throat, before he continued: “But it helps too. To talk about it, I mean. She showed me what has happened is nothing to be ashamed of. That it’s not on me.” Aaron’s breath stuttered as he took a deep intake of air.

“It really isn’t,” Robert said, his voice soft.

“I know,” Aaron smiled up at him, sadly, before he continued: “I just never thought he would be able to hurt me again.”

“And you blame yourself, because he did,” Robert answered, his words spoken as a soft statement.

Aaron nodded and he read it in Robert’s eyes, so many different emotions, Aaron couldn’t make sense of them at all. And Aaron wondered if Robert really knew what he was about to face, what it meant to really be with him. Because he knew the next few months weren’t going to be a walk in the park. It was going to be hard, it was going to be hard for the both of them. He knew he owed it to Robert to tell him that, he knew he needed to be honest with him. He needed for Robert to understand.

“Look.” Aaron brought himself face to face with Robert again, and because of the open look in Robert’s eyes he felt instantly exposed and naked. But he needed to say it, needed for Robert to understand where he was getting himself into, that it wasn’t going to be easy. “It won’t be fair to lie to you. It’s gonna take a while. It’s gonna take a while for me to get passed this. I’m not fine. Just... I’ll be okay, eventually.”

Robert gave him a steady look, before he said: “I know.” But Aaron wasn’t sure if Robert really knew how hard it was actually going to be. And Aaron didn’t know how to convince him of the fact it was going to be tough. He moved closer to Robert, because it was all he could do, pressed his fingers to Robert’s ribs. “It’s not gonna be easy,” he mumbled against Robert’s chest, not able to look Robert in the eyes.

“I know, Aaron. But I’m not going anywhere,” Robert replied, unwavering, as if he really did understand, as if he really knew how Aaron felt. And in that moment, touching Robert again, he realized, despite what had happened, Aaron wasn’t as upset and broken as he could be, should be.

“It’s not as bad as I—I mean…it’s still pretty fucking terrible. But I just... It’s not as bad as it could be. He didn’t…rape me,” Aaron stuttered over the last two words, before he contained himself again. “I’m not off the deep end anymore, I’m not on the verge of some breakdown. I’m not better. But I will be.”

Over the past four or five months there had been one sure thing, and that sure thing was sitting next him. The words stole out of Aaron’s mouth on instinct, because in that moment he just knew it, as sure as he knew he would never be able to talk about his father without wanting to punch something, as sure as he knew that Debbie was going to be okay, as sure as he knew that he’d been lying to his mother for months. They rose, unbidden, and Aaron shifted, pulled his eyes from Robert’s chest, so he could look Robert in the eyes, and the intense green-blue eyes regarded him unblinkingly, curiously.

“Because I have you.”

Something in Robert’s face shifted, and he could see the same cracked open emotion cross over Robert’s face as he had seen in the bathroom all those weeks ago and in the woods a bit more recently. And Aaron wanted to ask what it meant, why Robert kept on looking at him like that. But it felt like he couldn’t find the right words to ask. Exhaustion and the need for something else pushed him into Robert. Aaron suffused to Robert, tried to solder all the places there was space between them, tried to bring them closer and closer and Robert seemed hesitant, hands pulling as much as they were pushing Aaron away. He could feel Robert’s hands around his face as Robert pulled his face up and suddenly Aaron was captured into beautiful green-blue eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Robert sighed the words into Aaron’s lips, breathed them into Aaron’s lungs and he felt the ice in his chest began to crack like melting permafrost, breaking down into water that welled up in Aaron’s eyes.

Aaron leaned with his forehead against Robert’s, his throat burning as he couldn’t stop blinking. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Robert looked at him, and for a second Aaron thought he was going to have to leave, because Robert was going to push the subject and Aaron couldn’t handle that right now, not when he was already on the verge of breaking. Robert was the only one who could get under his skin without so much of a word and get through to him and Aaron wasn’t sure he could take that again right now if Robert would say another word. But Robert just shook his head, tucked his chin over Aaron’s head and just held him.

So they curled up, Aaron’s mouth breathing heavy and damp on Robert’s neck. Aaron wondered if he pressed close enough, he would simply merge with Robert, if their bodies would just become this protective combination against the demons that preyed inside his own mind. He felt Robert’s lips in his hair and Robert’s hands on his back, making the smallest of rotating circles with his thumbs on either side of Aaron’s spine underneath his shirt. The gesture, small and insignificant though it might seem, made Aaron cling tighter.

The room was quiet, the room was warm, the room was just them, legs entangled, arms wrapped round each other. Aaron wished he could keep it that way forever.

xXx

They entered the pub and Chas looked up the moment they entered. “Where have you been?” Chas tried to keep her voice more annoyed than worried, but Robert knew she had been worried about her son.

Aaron looked up at Robert and brushed his shoulder lightly against his and Robert gave him a smile, which Aaron returned lightly. When Robert looked back at Chas, he saw she was smiling all-knowingly. “Ah, I see,” she just said.

Robert followed Aaron to the bar and sat down beside him. He realized this was the first time he was able to just sit next to Aaron, because now they were officially together and Robert was able to do what he wanted.

They had talked all morning and some of the afternoon. It still amazed Robert how much they had to talk about as they hadn’t properly talked for three weeks. Their conversations had brought them closer together again, which made Robert really happy. Although their conversations had been hard as well, as their lives hadn’t really been great fun recently.

“Have you heard anything from Adam yet?” Chas asked, interrupting Robert’s thoughts. He looked at Aaron while Aaron shook his head, a sad, worried look on his face. Robert put a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and as Aaron looked up at him, Robert smiled sympathetically at him.

“How’s Vic holding up,” Aaron asked his mother.

Chas looked behind her, as Victoria was working in the kitchen and she was making sure Victoria couldn’t hear them. When she turned back to them, she said: “She’s tough. Well she acts tough, but I know she misses him.”

“No wonder. He just stormed off like that,” Robert replied.

“Yeah well, if she had just told him the truth,” Aaron argued.

“Yeah, and if he had just heard her out, instead of running away…” Robert fired back, annoyance threatening in his voice.

“So now it’s all on him, is it?” Aaron shot back, his eyes burning with annoyance as well.

“Maybe if he-” Robert started heated.

“Boys! If you go on like this, your reunion will be shortest one in history,” Chas interrupted. “Now calm down, both of you. They both made mistakes, they both made choices. We all did. If there is one thing I’ve learned the last couple of months is not to judge too quickly. Don’t let what drove them apart, drive you apart as well.”

Aaron and Robert glanced at each other for a moment. Aaron smiled unsure at him and Robert smiled back, reaching out his hand and putting his hand on Aaron’s thigh. “I think we have been through too much to give up now,” Robert answered as his eyes were still resting on Aaron’s face. Aaron looked back up at him, smiled at him and nodded his head in confirmation.

Robert would never let anything come between them again, no one, not even their families. Not like it had happened with Victoria and Adam. She had secretly been visiting Andy, because Adam had been against it since the moment Victoria had brought the subject up. When Adam had finally found out, they had had this massive row and Adam had stormed out and hadn’t returned for more than a week now. No one knew where he was, not even Moira.

He had tried to talk to his sister about it, but she had shot him down every time he had even mentioned Adam’s name. Apparently, he wasn’t the only Sugden who didn’t like to talk about their feelings.

“Hi Chas, can I get a red wine please,” a familiar voice asked. Robert turned and noticed Debbie was standing beside him and he tensed. He felt like he hadn’t seen her in ages and seeing her reminded him of everything that had happened with her and his brother.

He had tried not to think too much about his brother. It wouldn’t really make a difference. He was inside and Robert was sure he was going to be locked up for a while. The only times he had even spoken about him was when Victoria had told him when the verdict would be and when she had visited him, she had told him how he was doing. He hadn’t visited him ever since he had tried to talk about their father and Andy had blown him off cold.

Debbie’s gaze caught his and they looked at each other for a moment, before she snapped her gaze away from him and mumbled: “I’ll be over there.” She walked away and sat down on the other side of the pub.

“You okay?” Aaron asked, and Robert looked back at him. Chas had made her way towards Debbie with a glass of wine.

“Yeah, fine. I just realized Andy’s verdict is in two days,” Robert confessed.

Robert felt the tension rise between them two by the mention of Andy’s name. The subject was still something quite untouched by the both of them. He wondered if they would ever be able to talk about it, without yelling at each other or feeling uncomfortable about. He wished there was a way to change it.

“Oh,” was all Aaron said and he looked down at his glass.

“I’m not going, if that’s what you were wondering,” Robert said, his voice a bit more heated than he had intended.

“You should,” Aaron replied, still not looking up.

“What?” Robert asked, confused.

“You should, go,” Aaron said, finally looking up at him, an honest expression on his face.

“Why?” Robert huffed out, trying to guess what Aaron was trying to tell him.

“Cause he’s your family. And I know a part of you wants to go,” Aaron answered earnestly, but calmly.

Robert just looked at Aaron, contemplating his words, but before he could answer, Chas had returned and he knew it wasn’t a good idea to bring the subject up when she was there.

“I should go and talk to her. See how she’s doing,” Aaron suddenly said, and Robert noticed he was looking at his cousin, who was sitting all alone at a table.

“Let me,” Robert said, before Aaron even had the chance to get up, realizing this was the only way to change everything.

“What?” Aaron looked at him with an astonished look on his face.

“There is something I should’ve said to her a while back, so let me talk to her,” Robert answered.

“I don’t think that is such a good idea,” Chas commented, as she put two pints in front of them.

Robert moved his gaze between Chas and Aaron, while he said: “It’s time to put this all behind us, don’t you think?”

Aaron just looked at him as if he was trying to guess what Robert really meant by that, before something seemed to click and he smiled softly, nodding his head. Robert nodded back, before he grabbed his pint and made his way over to Debbie, taking a deep intake of breath before he sat himself opposite of her. “Hiya,” he said, voice calm and collected, putting his pint on the table. Debbie looked up from her glass of wine, but didn’t answer, just looked at him with a guarded look in her eyes.

“You look tired.”

The corner of Debbie’s mouth quirked, but not in a joyful way. “It’s been a long few months.” She held on to her glass, watching the dark red liquid, not watching Robert.

Robert fought back the urge to flinch at the words. He didn’t even let himself respond, because that would only lead to a conversation they probably both weren’t willing to have, knowing how much it would both hurt them too much right now, and they both knew it.

Robert pressed his own glass in his hands, frowning lightly. “I’m not going to ask how you are, because we both know that you’re not fine, probably haven’t been in a long time. And I’m not here to threaten you or to gloat or anything.”

“Then why _are_ you here?” Debbie eventually asked. She dragged her gaze up to Robert’s face, and Robert saw that same slightly lost expression he had seen on Aaron’s face two weeks ago when he had found Aaron sitting underneath the tree.

They stared at each other, stark and vulnerable.

“I love Aaron. And you are his family,” Robert replied, his voice calm and honest. “I know we will never really get on well after what happened and I understand that. But Aaron told me what he told you, and he told me what you told him, so I just wanted to say sorry.”

Debbie just stared at him, as if she had a hard time understanding what he was really saying.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said again, so she would understand what he was really saying, and then, for clarity: “About everything.”

Debbie still stared at him, until she suddenly snapped out of it and shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I’m offering it anyway,” Robert replied, without pretenses, meaning every word he was saying.

“This isn’t your _fault_ -” Debbie started.

“There was a choice,” Robert interrupted. “I made my choice; what happened kind of is on me.”

Now Debbie frowned lightly and she looked almost angry. “What happened is not on you.”

Robert smiled sadly at her. “It might not be. But I did some horrible things. At court. That wasn’t fair on you. I just wanted you to know that.”

Debbie held herself perfectly still, posture ramrod straight and immovable. She was staring at him again, as if this whole conversation was a complete strange experience for her. Robert just looked back at her, not bothered by her gaze. She suddenly smiled lightly at him and said quietly: “Thank you.”

Robert just smiled back at her for a moment, before he said: “Aaron told me you will be leaving.”

Debbie just nodded her head.

“Will you come back?” Robert asked.

“I am not sure yet.”

“I hope you will find what you are looking for,” Robert answered truthfully.

Debbie just nodded her head once, before she stood up and left. Robert let go of a breath he hadn’t even known he had been holding.

xXx

Aaron glanced occasionally into Robert and Debbie’s direction as they were talking to each other. Chas was doing the same thing, staring over her shoulder every now and again, until the door of the pub opened and Cain walked in. He sat down beside Aaron and asked Chas for a pint before he even noticed Robert and Debbie sitting together at a table.

“What is he doing?” Cain asked, his voice already threatening low and Aaron felt him tensing beside him.

“He is trying to make amends,” Aaron replied, his gaze focusing on Cain.

“What?” Cain said, frowning his forehead.

“It means he is apologizing,” Chas chimed in, putting a pint in front of her brother.

Cain shot his sister a dark look. “I know what it means Chas, but why?”

“Cause he feels like he owes her one, that’s why,” Aaron answered truthfully.

“And because maybe, one day, they will be family,” Chas added, smirking at her son.

Aaron grunted. He still didn’t quite understand how his mother went from hating Robert, to supporting his relationship with him, in just a few days. Ever since he had broken up with Robert, she had constantly brought him up, had told him Robert really loved him and deserved a second chance. Aaron suspected, she was only kind to and about him, because in her eyes, he had saved her son. And Aaron figured that she was right, Robert had saved him, in more ways than one.

“So you are together again then,” Cain said, and Aaron noticed it wasn’t even a real question.

“Yeah. We are,” Aaron answered anyway.

“Really,” Cain said, an inkling to his voice Aaron didn’t really understand and made him feel quite defensive.

“Yes. And it stays that way, so you can spare me the lecture,” he therefor said, his eyes focusing on his uncle again.

“He wasn’t going to, right Cain?” Chas said, shooting her brother a warning look, which Aaron was pretty sure he wasn’t meant to catch.

“Right,” Cain just answered, and Aaron had to smile to himself. He still found it amusing there were two people in this world who could tell Cain Dingle off; Chas and Moira.

“Anyway, we were just thinking…” Chas continued, going over to another topic and Aaron moaned by only hearing those words. “You don’t even know what I wanted to say,” Chas reprimanded him, as she gave him that look and Aaron just rolled his eyes.

“We were thinking about throwing you a party once you’ve officially changed your name to Dingle. What do you think?”

“Do we have to?” Aaron asked, grunting lightly. He had just brought the subject of changing his name up yesterday, and apparently his mother was already making plans to celebrate it. She had been over the moon when he had told her he would like to change his name to Dingle.

Chas raised one eyebrow and Aaron knew there was no point in arguing about it. “Fine,” Aaron sighed.

“Great!” Chas exclaimed and Aaron rolled his eyes by the excitement in his mother’s voice. “Maybe you could even ask Robert to take Vic and Diane with him.” Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise, by his mother’s words, had never for a second guessed she would really invite Victoria and Diane to join them. “What?” Chas asked, looking annoyed and amused at the same time. “I think it’s about time we put all of this behind us, don’t you?” It didn’t go unnoticed by Aaron, she used the same words as Robert had just done.

Aaron just smiled at that and nodded his head. He noticed Debbie got up and made her way passed them without even saying so much as a hello and Aaron’s heart contracted painfully because of it. “I should check on Debbie, see how she is doing.”

But Cain was already standing. “I’ll go. You go and spend time with your boyfriend. After all this time, you deserve it.”

Aaron smiled surprised by his uncle’s words. “Thanks.”

“And tell him, if he ever does anything to hurt you, I will break every bone in his body,” Cain added, shooting one dark look into Robert’s direction, before he turned around and left the pub.

Aaron just smiled as he stood up, knowing it had been Cain’s way of approving of his relationship. He was still smiling as he walked over to Robert and sat himself down next to him.

“Hey.” Aaron slid up beside Robert and pressed their shoulders together. “You alright?”

Robert smiled wryly, gesturing out at the air. “Waiting for Cain to come over to give me a right lecture.” Aaron realized Robert must’ve seen the looks Cain had been shooting him, during his conversation with Debbie.

Aaron chuckled, as he had said something along those lines only moments ago. “I know the feeling.”

Aaron licked his lips before he continued: “How did she take it?”

Robert just shrugged lightly before he said: “Okay, I guess. I apologized, she thanked me and that’s about it.”

“Thank you though. For doing it. You didn’t have to,” Aaron replied.

Robert just smiled calmly at him, but didn’t answer.

“Anyway,” Aaron went on: “It seems like your whole making amends thing has caught on. My mum wants to throw a party and even went as far as inviting Vic and Diane.”

Robert looked taken aback for a moment. “That’s… good, I suppose.”

A smile appeared on Robert’s face, a content smile as if he was finally happy with where he was, as if he finally realized that it would all be okay again. Aaron wished he would learn that too one day, to be just happy with life itself. To be happy with Robert.

But sitting here right now, he knew he had time.

There was time to love him, there was time to be with him. Robert felt like home, had made him feel like coming home ever since the day they first kissed. And this—unlike any home he ever had before—felt permanent. The kind of home where he could be himself, where wounds could heal, where time was not a constant consideration of ‘someday’ but rather a solid statement of ‘now’.

Robert moved and put his arm around Aaron’s shoulders and Aaron sighed when Robert nosed affectionately at the crook of his neck.

“Cain and my mum just gave us their blessing,” Aaron said quietly.

Robert snorted softly. “From the looks Cain was shooting me, I think he still likes to kill me and I am sure Chas has had too much to drink,” Robert teased.

Aaron just laughed out loud, as Robert pulled back and gazed at him with a loving, joyful look in his eyes. And Aaron realized he hadn’t laughed like that in ages, couldn’t really remember the last time. And it made him happy, happier than any other thing could have done. Because even after everything, he was still able to laugh.

“I’m glad,” Robert continued in a more serious voice, when Aaron had gotten himself back under control again. “After everything, it’s nice to know they realized I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?” Aaron asked, not able to keep the insecurity completely out of his voice.

Robert smiled gently and placed a soft kiss against Aaron’s temple in a way of answering him.

They were quiet again. Aaron thought about checking up on Debbie, but Cain said he’d keep an eye on her. He got time to linger for a little bit. And if he was completely honest, he didn’t really want to leave either way. Robert was kissing the underside of his jaw with such tenderness, and his touch felt like a promise, and Aaron had never been more thankful for the day Robert Sugden had decided to come back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is almost drawing to a close! What did you think of this chapter? Please let me know. <333


	28. Righteousness will always flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! New chapter is here! Finally ;p I really hope you enjoy, cause it took me a while to get this right! Thank you for all the kudos and comments, but most of all, thank you for sticking by me, even after all this time! <333

Twelve years.

Twelve years. That’s how long he got.

Robert wasn’t sure he had even heard it right, felt like he was living in his own cocooned world without hearing anything else. He had just watched on as his brother had been taken away, had done nothing as Victoria and Diane had cried as they had made their way to his car. Even when they were driving back to Emmerdale, Robert couldn’t register any other sound or word, just heard the voice of the judge saying he had been sentenced to twelve years of prison.

The moment he eventually paid attention to his surroundings was when the front door fell close behind him and it was him, his sister and Diane. No Andy. Not for the next twelve years.

He realized Diane and Victoria were having a soft conversation and he had to force himself to listen to what they were saying.

“He did hurt her, pet,” Diane said. “I know it is awful, but he needs to pay for that.”

“I know,” Victoria answered as she pulled her coat off and looked around her, as if she had just realized what Robert had been thinking about just moments ago, Andy not being here, not for a long time. “It just seems a bit unreal, that’s all.”

“I know. I think none of us has come to terms with it yet,” Diane replied, her eyes moving to Robert, her face filled with compassion. “With any of it.”

Robert just smiled sadly at her, not really knowing how to react and not really willing to talk either. But Diane didn’t seem to get that, because she was still looking at him and said, her voice filled with worry: “You’ve been awfully quiet, are you alright, love?”

“Yeah, just thinking.” He wondered how Aaron would feel about all of this, how he would react, how it would feel for him to know there was a way of getting justice for a crime like this. Robert knew he had taken that away from him, but deep down Robert was relieved, because he knew Aaron would probably have gone through hell if he had ever had to go to court. He wondered how Debbie would react. If it would have any influence on her decision to leave. He wondered what Andy would be thinking right now, alone in his cell and Robert’s stomach turned by the thought alone.

“I hate it, I just hate it, losing him like that,” Robert just suddenly shot out, all the pain and anger coming out in that one sentence, letting himself have just that one moment, before he reigned it all back in again.

“I know, love,” Diane said, seemingly not surprised by his outburst. “But we are gonna deal with this as a family. We have to. The only way to get through this, is as a family.”

Robert was silent for a moment, letting what happened settle into his heart, knowing there was no choice left but to accept it. A part of him wanted to cry, but he remembered the way Andy had looked in court, he’d looked saddened, but there had been a sense of acceptance, like he’d known this was the only way to gain his conscience back, by embracing his sentence and making the best of it. And if Andy could deal with this, then so should and could Robert, all of them should. “You’re right Diane, we’ll get through this. Andy will and we will too.”

Diane smiled up at him, a sense of surprise on her face, but mostly it was gratitude. “Will you stay for tea?”

Robert didn’t have to think about his answer. “Course I will.” Diane and Victoria’s faces lit up by his answer and he smiled lightly at them, before taking his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll just text Aaron, to let him know I’ll be home late.”

xXx

Aaron heard the backdoor open and put the TV softer, knowing it had to be Robert coming back from the dinner with his family, as Chas had already gone to bed. He looked up when Robert entered, but Robert didn’t seem to notice him, just walked passed him and put his jacket over one of the chairs.

“Hi,” Aaron tried, frowning his forehead in worry. Just by Robert’s body language alone, he knew it hadn’t been good, knew Andy’s sentence had made a real impact on Robert’s state of mind. Robert still didn’t react, just stared in front of him, with his back turned towards Aaron, his hands on his hips. “You wanna talk about it?” Aaron tried again.

“You want to know, yeah?” Robert answered, as he turned around and just by the look in Robert’s eyes, Aaron could tell he was mad, mad and hurt. Robert was lashing out, because that was what he did when he was highly upset and right now, Aaron was the easiest target. “Andy’s been sentenced for twelve years of prison.”

Aaron didn’t really know how to feel about that, but right now, he was more concerned about Robert’s state of mind, than about any of his own feelings towards the subject. “Right,” he just said, not really knowing what else he could say, without making everything worse.

It turned out, no matter what he would’ve said, Robert was determined to take it out on him.

“Right?! My brother will spend more than a decade in prison and all you can say is right?!” Robert yelled at him, his eyes blazing angrily.

Aaron huffed, not liking the tone in Robert’s voice one bit. “What else do you want me to say then?”

“Oh, I don’t know, what about; I’m sorry for your loss.”

“He’s not dead,” Aaron replied sternly, his eyes not leaving Robert’s face.

“He might as well be!” Robert shot back and Aaron knew Robert was just being emotional after a long and heavy day, but it didn’t mean he would let him talk to him like that.

“Don’t be so over-dramatic, Robert,” Aaron therefore said, his voice turning harsher.

“Fine! You know what?” Robert replied, as he pulled his jacket with a hard gesture from the chair, almost making the chair topple over before making his way to the door. “You can sleep on the couch tonight.”

The door closed with a bang and Aaron just sat there, not really sure what had just happened.

xXx

Aaron didn't feel particularly different on the day after Andy’s sentencing. He had woken up much like any other day off, after a bit of a lie-in, _without_ his boyfriend.

Well, he supposed _something_ was a little different that day then.

Aaron rolled over, sprawling across his bed for a moment. After Robert had yelled at him last night and left for bed without another word, Aaron had felt a bit bad for reacting at Robert the way he had. So, he had made his way to the bedroom, had sat on the bed and had tried to talk to Robert. But Robert, who had pretended to be asleep, hadn’t reacted. So Aaron had sighed, had pulled off his clothes and had laid himself next to Robert, his back towards him. He had woken up the moment Robert had left the room not such a long time ago, without saying a word. Aaron hadn’t really felt like leaving the bed after the whole silent treatment from Robert, which he was still keeping up, as it hadn’t really been fair to begin with.

When he had heard the news about Andy being sent down for twelve years, it only had made him feel indifferent to the news. Because, it didn’t really matter. Debbie still had to live with what had happened every single day for the last of her life.

He also knew Andy was still Robert’s brother and it wouldn’t just change like that, not to Robert anyway. Aaron knew Robert still partly blamed himself for his brother being in there, even if it was not on him in any way. He just wished there was a way for Robert to see that. He looked in the direction of the window; the blinds were already opened up widely, filling the room with light. Aaron blinked against the new day and then finally swung his legs over the side of the bed to get out.

He picked his T-shirt from off the ground and tugged it over his head, then pulled on the closest pair of jogging bottoms he could find.

After he was dressed, he moved down the stairs and followed the smell of brewing coffee into the kitchen, wondering if Robert was still mad at him after last night.

Robert noticed him immediately, turning around from the counter to lean against it. "I made you coffee," Robert said a little hesitant. The tone of his voice made Aaron sigh in relieve.

"So I see," Aaron said, knowing from just one glance at Robert, Robert was trying to apologize for last night. He made his way over to the counter to prepare himself a cup of coffee.

"You hungry? I can make us something. Pancakes?" Robert suggested, his voice wavering slightly.

"Gee, you'd think it was some sort of special day around here," Aaron said, as he turned to Robert, mug in his hands. "You never make me breakfast."

“I do make you breakfast from time to time,” Robert replied, a little annoyed now and Aaron knew Robert was about to lose his patience.

“Yeah? When?” Aaron asked, over the brim of his mug, trying to hide the grin on his face, before taking a sip. He knew he shouldn’t tease, but quite frankly, he couldn’t help himself.

Robert shot him a glare, which almost made Aaron grin stupidly. “I’m trying to make it up to you here. It would be nice if you could cooperate.”

“But what if I was still mad?” Aaron asked innocently.

Robert looked highly suspicious now. “Well, are ya?”

Aaron grinned at him now. “No. But I could be.”

Robert rolled his eyes and sighed exasperated, but Aaron noticed the smile tugging at the corners of Robert’s lips. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Really?” Aaron replied, a light tone to his voice. He put his mug on the counter, still smiling. “Okay, well maybe I should go then.” He turned around and made a lame attempt at walking away.

“No. Nope.” Robert walked up behind him, grabbed him by the hips and he pressed up against Aaron’s back, hands settling around his waist. “You, mister, aren’t going anywhere until I say so,” Robert said huskily, close to his ear.

Aaron merely turned around in Robert’s grasp so he could look at Robert, Robert’s hands settling low on Aaron’s back. Aaron pulled a face at Robert. “You’re quite bossy, you know that.”

Robert’s eyes were twinkling lightly. “Well, I can remember a time when you quite liked that.”

Aaron screwed up his face again, as his hands settled on Robert chest, pretending as if he was trying to get away from Robert while he really wasn’t. “Na, I think you remember it all wrong, mate.”

Robert closed the distance between them, his face now mere inches from Aaron’s, his eyes shining teasingly, but with a dark edge to it. “I don’t think I do.”

“Hmm,” Aaron just hummed, as Robert nosed him and Aaron pulled him in for a kiss by his shirt, but just when Robert’s lips were about to touch his, Aaron was reeled back by the sound of his name and the opening of a door.

Cain appeared in sight and Robert and Aaron let go of each other when Cain said: “Aaron. There is someone here to see you.”

Aaron froze when two police officers entered and he felt as if his breath was caught in his throat. “Aaron Livesy?”

“Well, yes…” Aaron muttered, an unsettling feeling suddenly pushing down on his chest, already guessing why they were here.

“Are you the son of Gordon Livesy?” the officer, who was clearly the spokesman, asked.

“Yeah…” Aaron answered, already knowing by hearing his father’s name, where this was going and his stomach made a sick twist.

There was a seriousness in the man’s voice when he spoke again: “Well then… maybe we should sit down.”

Aaron didn’t move at all, all he could do was stare at the man in front of him. It wasn’t until Robert touched his shoulder and guided him softly toward a chair, he moved and sat himself down. Robert stood like a ghost behind him, reassuring Aaron just as much as frightening him. Cain leaned against the wall next to the couch and Aaron was glad he was there, a calm, silent presence. He focused his attention back on the officer in front of him, when the man started speaking again: “Unfortunately we have some bad news. Your father has been found dead. We have every reason to believe he has been murdered.”

Aaron felt as if his entire world fell away and not because it was such a shock for him his father was dead, of course it was not. He knew his father was dead. But the fact that the police now knew, was horrible. Even though Cain had warned him one day they might show up, he had never given it too much thought. He had had too much on his plate already. But now they were here, and Aaron had no idea how to handle that. If they were here, it meant, the chance of them finding out the truth. Him losing Robert became a real possibility. A possibility Aaron wasn’t ready to deal with, never would be. “Whoa, that’s…” Aaron tried to find his voice. “That’s a lot to take in.”

“I have to ask,” the officer continued. “When is the last time you spoke to your father?”

“I…uhm…I haven’t spoken to him in years,” Aaron said, trying to remember the story Cain and Chas had thought off, trying to make it sound as convincing as he could manage. “He threw me out when I was sixteen and I never saw him again after that.”

“We found his car nearby. So, if you haven’t seen him, it looks like he was coming this way to visit you,” the officer replied, his eyes piercing into Aaron’s and for a moment Aaron felt as if the man looked straight into his soul and knew he was lying. But then the man said: “I am sorry he never made it here.”

“Yes, very sorry indeed,” Cain said, his voice more compassionate than Aaron ever heard it before.

Cain’s gaze crossed his and that look alone steadied Aaron, as he breathed in deeply to calm himself. “Thank you for telling me,” Aaron was finally able to say without his voice wavering. “I hope he was on his way to make amends.”

“Do you know who did it?” Robert suddenly asked, and Aaron’s shoulders tensed, by only hearing Robert’s voice asking that one question, he dreaded to know the answer to.

“No. Unfortunately he was left in a pond. As it has taken a while for us to find the body, it was already in a state of decay. So the water and bacteria took away evidence we otherwise might’ve been able to find. It seems as if the person who did this, knew what they were doing.”

Aaron could feel himself slightly relaxing. “Right.”

The police officer focused his attention on Aaron again. “Do you have any idea who could have hurt him, anyone who might’ve something against him? Any people he might’ve crossed in his life?”

Aaron tried to pretend as if he was thinking about that question, before he just shook his head and said: “No. Like I said, I haven’t seen him since I was sixteen. And when I lived with him, he was always kind, to everyone.” Aaron felt almost physically ill by his own words, knowing how far from the truth they really were.

The officer just nodded at that. “We keep you updated if we find anything else,” the officer said, before he stood up from the couch.

Aaron just nodded his head.

“Thank you, officer,” Cain said, his face unreadable.

“We’re sorry for your loss,” the man said, still looking at Aaron with an undecipherable look in his eyes.

Aaron had a hard time finding his voice, feeling as if he couldn’t breathe properly. Eventually he could just get two words over his lips: “Thank you.”

“I will see you out,” Cain said, as the officers moved towards the back door. As Cain guided them outside, closing the door behind him, Aaron stood up from the chair he had been sitting in and started pacing in the kitchen. A terrible feeling set in his chest and he couldn’t even look at Robert, knowing the chance of losing Robert had become just that more real in just a few moments.

“I told you this was going to come back to bite us,” he couldn’t help but say, worry settling in his chest.

“Aaron, it’s not,” Robert argued. “Have you heard what they said? They don’t have any evidence-”

“Yet,” Aaron interrupted, his eyes settling on Robert the first time since the officers had entered.

“Aaron…” Robert sighed, as if he was exhausted.

“I can’t lose you,” Aaron blurred out, before he could even stop himself, emotions getting the better of him.

Robert moved and came to stand in front of him, his eyes searching for Aaron’s. Aaron had a hard time breathing as his eyes connected with Robert’s. “You won’t,” Robert said, his voice soft, but determined. Aaron knew Robert meant for his words to be soothing, but they weren’t. And Robert seemed to read that, because he reached out and cradled Aaron’s face in his hands. “You won’t,” he repeated, his voice even more steady than before, his eyes determined.

“How can you be so sure?” Aaron replied, his voice hoarse.

“Because I told him he had nothing to worry about.” They both looked up and Robert’s hands glided from Aaron’s face. Cain was standing in the door opening, looking at the both of them, as he closed the door behind him.

“You don’t know that,” Aaron replied, still not convinced, still too shaken up by the police showing up like that.

“As long as we all stick to our story, we have nothing to worry about, okay?” Cain replied urgently, his eyes piercing into Aaron’s, telling Aaron to calm down. Aaron took a deep breath, trying to gain some of his usual exterior. They had talked it all through, him, his mother, Cain and Robert. They all knew they had to stick to their story and hopefully that way, no one would ever find out what had happened that awful night.

“No one is gonna go to jail for that man. He isn’t worth it, is he?” Cain pushed on and Aaron realized he hadn’t made a move or said a word yet.

So he shook his head once, knowing his uncle was right. “No, he isn’t.”

“Come on,” Robert suddenly said, and Aaron’s eyes travelled to Robert’s face, who was looking at him. “I think we both can use some air. Let’s get a coffee.”

Aaron was too shaken up to remind Robert they already had their coffee.

xXx

Aaron’s leg was moving in a nervous gesture. He wasn’t even sure why he had come here, didn’t really want to be here, but there were some things that needed to be said. And he knew there was no one else who would say them. So here he was, in a place he would rather have avoided for the rest of his life.

Robert and he had talked all morning, Robert trying to reassure him there was nothing to worry about. Aaron wasn’t so sure about it, but if there was one thing he was sure about, it was that he trusted his uncle. As his uncle had pointed out, they hadn’t arrested anyone and if they had any evidence whatsoever they would’ve done that already. That was the straw Aaron was holding onto in this moment.

But even after the police had visited his house and he had talked to Robert all morning, he hadn’t forgotten what had happened the night before. Robert might’ve not talked properly about it, but he knew it was constant on his mind. So now he was here. For Robert. Because there was only one person who could tell Robert to move on with his life and to tell him to stop blaming himself. And that person was just sitting himself down in front of him.

“Aaron. What are you doing here?” Andy looked at him, with a surprised look in his eyes. Aaron knew Andy would’ve never expected for Aaron to be here. But he had every reason to. He just needed to find a way to bring it up.

“We need to talk,” Aaron answered curtly. He needed to be here, but that didn’t mean, he wanted to be here. He wanted to get this over and done with. There was no way he was going to spend longer with the man in front of him than was completely necessary.

Andy frowned in confusion. “Okay.”

“First of, I didn’t come here to talk about Debbie. I hate you for what you have done to her, how you wrecked her life like that,” Aaron said, earnestly, but harshly. “I really don’t want to have anything to do with you, but since Robert still cares about you, I think it’s important we talk.”

A pained expression crossed over Andy’s face by Aaron’s words, but Aaron wasn’t going to take them back. Andy didn’t deserve that. But Andy didn’t defend himself, just let the words settle between them, before he just said: “Right.”

Aaron breathed, here it was. This was the moment, he had to tell Andy why he came. His eyes didn’t waver from Andy’s face when he said: “I need you to tell Robert to be happy. To tell him he has to stop blaming himself for what happened. Ever since you turned yourself in, he has been beating himself up because he thinks he is partly responsible for you being in here. He feels awful because he convinced you to talk to Debbie.”

There appeared a light colour on Andy’s cheeks as he looked down at his hands.

“You do blame him,” Aaron said astounded.

“No! No, it’s not that,” Andy replied hastily. Aaron stared at him with an unwavering look and Andy sighed: “I might have thought it though. I might’ve thought about how things would’ve been if I hadn’t gone with him that day.”

Aaron just shook his head and moved his hands over his face. He didn’t want to hear this, he didn’t want to hear any of this. It was not something he needed to know.

“Look, I know it’s wrong to think like that,” Andy continued and Aaron just shook his head again before he looked at Andy, whom was still talking: “And I am sure you are the last one who wants to hear it, but I am only telling you because that’s what I told Robert. So I can see why Robert would twist that around in his head and make something different from those words. That’s just like him.”

“I didn’t come here to hear you slag him off,” Aaron answered, his voice threatening low.

“That’s not…” Andy sighed, before he continued: “I will tell him to stop blaming himself, because it really isn’t his fault.”

Aaron just nodded his head once in gratitude, not able to get the words over his lips.

Andy was still looking at him. “I am really sorry, Aaron. For everything. For the mess I made. Hurting Debbie, blabbing about you and Rob. I just want you to know that.”

Aaron nodded a second time without saying anything, before he got up. He was done here.

“Aaron.” Aaron looked up by the sound of his name and his eyes met Andy’s one last time. “I’m glad he has you. And you’re right, he deserves to be happy. And despite what I said, I am glad it is you. I know you care about him, you being here, tells me that. And he loves ya, him choosing you showed me that. He is prepared to do anything for you and you being here, tells me you would do anything for him as well.” Andy wrinkled his forehead, before he continued: “Anyway, what I wanted to say is just; thank you. For loving him.”

Aaron had really no idea how to respond to Andy’s words, so he just nodded his head one last time and walked away.

xXx

Robert walked in, located his brother and sat down in front of him, but before he could even say anything, Andy was already speaking: “I’m happy you could make some time to come here.”

“What’s so urgent? It was Diane’s turn to come and see ya,” Robert replied. Andy had called him this morning and surprised to hear from him and to know Andy wanted to see him, he hadn’t even considered saying no to his request. So here he was, talking to his brother.

“I know. I just have something important to tell ya.” Andy stayed quiet for a moment, before he continued: “Aaron was here.”

Robert nodded at that. When Aaron had been away for quite some time the day before, Robert had been worried and eventually Aaron had told him he had gone to see his brother. “I know. He told me.”

Andy looked a bit surprised by that. “What did he-”

“He told me, he went to see you so he could put everything behind him.” That was what Aaron had told him. He had compared it to Robert talking to Debbie, a way to put everything behind them. Robert appreciated that gesture more than he had been able to say.

“And has he?” Andy asked.

“We’ll have to wait and see,” Robert answered, not really knowing the answer to that question, before he continued on the question he had asked: “That doesn’t explain why I’m here though.”

“Are ya happy, Rob?”

Robert was completely taken aback for a moment and had no idea how to react to Andy’s question, even wondered if he’d heard him right. “Sorry?”

“Are you happy?” Andy asked, his voice urgent, as if he really wanted to know the answer.

Robert still had no idea how to answer that. “I…Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just…” Andy was playing with his fingers, as if he was nervous. “I…Ever since we’ve known each other, I don’t think I’ve ever asked. And when I thought about it, I realized I’ve never really seen you happy.”

“That’s just…” Robert frowned for a moment, before he got annoyed by Andy’s words. “Why now? What’s up with all this talk about happiness?”

“It was just something that Aaron said. And I realized I am partly to blame for never letting you have any happiness,” Andy confessed, his voice soft.

“Me not being happy has nothing to do with you,” Robert shot out, he didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now, maybe not ever.

“Doesn’t it?” Andy pressed.

Robert could feel his defences coming up. “No. It’s-”

“Dad?”

“No! Why would you-” Robert started, losing his patience.

“It’s either me or dad. So, who is it?” Andy said, obviously not letting this slide.

It made Robert even more annoyed. “Neither. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Why not?”

“Because-”

“Well? If it’s not one of us then who?”

“Andy-,” Robert said, a clear warning in his voice now.

“Just talk to me Rob. Who hurt you so bad you’re not-

“You! Okay, you!” Robert shot out, his eyes burning.

Silence fell over them when Robert realized what he had just said. He remembered that one time he had come here and had tried to tell Andy why, what it was that had happened between them, what had happened with their dad. And now he had finally spoken the words, he felt terrible. He didn’t want to make it even harder on Andy. Not right now anyway.

“I’m sorry,” Robert eventually said.

“No, it’s fine,” Andy replied, a sad, serious expression on his face.

“No, it’s not. I….” Robert sighed. “It’s not you. Just everything together.”

Andy frowned at him. “What ya mean?”

Robert realized this was it. He needed to decide what he would do. Should he tell Andy everything, let him in on the truth? One thing he knew for sure, the truth could hurt and he was quite sure, this truth would hurt Andy, no matter how Robert would tell him. But Andy was right, he could never be truly happy, if he couldn’t find a way to let go of his past. And telling Andy was the only way he knew how to.

He sighed, wasn’t able to look at Andy, when he finally said the words he had held close to his chest for all those years. “Dad knew about me,” he started, his voice hoarse. “About me liking guys just as well as girls. And ever since he found out, I knew he was favoring you more and more just to spite me. He never wanted a son like me, Andy. He wanted a son like you. Ever since you came and lived with us, I despised you, because dad just loved you more than me. And over the years those feelings just grew stronger.”

When Robert finally looked up at Andy, Robert read so many different emotions on Andy’s face, it was hard to make sense of any of them. “I never knew, he knew,” Andy said eventually, his voice filled with hurt, hurt for Robert or for himself, Robert couldn’t quite tell. “I mean, I didn’t even know.”

Robert smiled without any real joy. “After dad found out, I wasn’t really keen on anyone else finding out.” Robert tried to detect what he was feeling now he eventually had said it out loud, but it didn’t feel like it made a difference. It wasn’t as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, it just felt like a heavy weight was pulling him down, as he looked in Andy’s eyes and found the hurt there. “That’s all there is to it. So now you know,” he finished, not really willing to talk about it any further.

“I wish you would’ve told me sooner. I would’ve understood,” Andy mumbled softly, his voice earnest, honest.

Robert swallowed loudly, the pain too harsh to really deal with. “I couldn’t. I just felt like such a failure already. Telling you would only have made it worse.”

“I’m sorry,” Andy just said.

Robert just smiled sadly at him, not really knowing what to say after Andy’s words. But his words meant more to Robert than he would ever be able to admit, as all he had wanted was for someone to understand, it had been hard for him. It meant a lot to him Andy seemed to understand, even though it was almost too unreal to grasp what was happening.

“In the past, there were times when I’d hoped-” Andy started.

“I know,” Robert responded, knowing what Andy wanted to say, then softer. “I know.”

Silence. It was strange to realize it wasn’t as hard to talk to Andy about it, as Robert would’ve thought.

“I can’t help but wondering, what if-” Andy started again.

“There’s no what if. I’d think less of you,” Robert interrupted, stemming whatever proposals Andy was about to make, as if it was not killing him to do so, twisting the knife between his ribs. “And you would think less of me for not agreeing with you. We’d deny it as much as we could, but that’s who we are.” He shrugged, a bit self-deprecating. “Arguing and no talking, that’s what we do.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“You wouldn’t be the man I call my brother if it wasn’t.” Robert smiled sadly; something told him it went both ways. “We wouldn’t be the men we are today, if it had gone any other way.”

Another sort of silence fell between them, and Robert could tell it was hard on Andy to know everything. To know it just now and not sooner, so they could’ve changed some of the things that had happened between them. But Robert knew there was no going back, no looking back. It was useless.

“Maybe if things had been different,” Andy mumbled.

“Maybe,” Robert answered, letting him have that, even though he didn’t believe in it himself. He would never have been able to tell Andy before. He would never had had the strength to do so.

And it seemed like Andy read it all, because he smiled sadly and said: “But it’s too late for that now.”

“Yeah. I guess it is,” Robert replied softly.

Andy had never looked more lost to Robert than this moment and _god_ how Robert wanted to bridge the space between them. He knew, if Andy would get a second chance, he would go straight back to where this all started, but then try to change everything that had happened between them. And a part of Robert wished he could, wished it all could have been different.

Robert was stubborn in many ways, in all but one, strong in all but one.

But that was what love for his family had done to him. It had unmade him, taken him apart and had put him back together while something had been different, something had changed. It had pulled him out of himself, time and time again, until he had no longer recognized the skin he’d been in before.

Robert would give anything to be selfish enough to leave what Andy had done all those months ago behind them. To have Andy walk out of this building with him, as if nothing had happened.

But that was not how this was going to end. Not how it had to end, even though Robert wished it to be different.

“I am sorry I never took the time to understand you, to get to know you,” Andy said.

Robert smiled sadly at him. “It’s not all on you. I knew dad saw something in you, he never saw in me. I always resented you for that. Even though it wasn’t really your fault. And all I could think of was how dad would have laughed at me for trying to make him proud.” Just saying it out loud, felt like a punch in Robert’s gut, although he knew his words were true.

“I know we cannot change what happened in the past, but I am willing to change the future,” Andy said, his voice trembling lightly as if he wasn’t sure how Robert would react to his words.

Robert looked at him once more, eyes soft. “I would like that.”

Andy smiled lightly at that and Robert felt exposed, more exposed than he had felt in days. “I should go,” he murmured, maybe more to himself than to Andy. But before he had a chance to get up, Andy’s voice stopped him: “Just one last thing.” Robert looked back up at Andy. “Please stop blaming yourself for me being in here. It is not on you.”

“Andy-” Robert protested.

“No, listen. It’s not. So, I need you to stop that. Promise me.” Andy was now looking at him with piercing eyes, as if by staring at Robert would make Robert promise. But Robert knew it would never be that simple. He knew he would only ever be able to forgive himself, if he could ever find it in himself to forgive Andy for what he had done.

This time it was different though, this time he didn’t hate Andy for tearing their family apart. Now it was just something that was, something Robert knew he had to live with. He could not forgive his brother for what he had done, but he would be able to look passed all of that, and still see Andy, just see his brother. And this time, he was going to stay. This time he would not let anything break his family up again.

He was willing to forgive, so maybe, someday he would be able to.

“I promise,” Robert said in a hoarse voice.

Andy broke the eye contact first, looked at his hands. Robert rose, straightening his jacket.

“I want you to know,” Robert said, voice low and intimate, and he couldn’t look at him, he _couldn’t_ , still he needed to say the words: “I will be staying around. You were the reason I came back, but Aaron is the one who makes me stay.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Andy replied, his voice honest. “I really am. He loves you.”

“I know. And I will still be around when you will get out,” Robert replied, his words feeling truer than ever. “I promise.” And this time, it was a real promise.

He left, the visitors room blurring at the edges as Robert blinked rapidly, only his steel spine keeping him upright. He huffed away the emotions he could deal with later. Now all he needed to be, was strong for his brother.

xXx

Robert entered quietly through the back door. Aaron was reading a magazine at the kitchen table when he entered, but put it down the moment he noticed Robert. “How did it go?”

Robert sat himself down on the couch, feeling emotionally drained. “Fine.”

“Fine?” Aaron just repeated, his eyes focused on Robert.

“Yeah, fine.” Aaron raised his eyebrows at him, an expected look on his face and Robert knew Aaron wasn’t going to let this go until he got a genuine answer out of Robert. Robert sighed: “We talked.” When Robert shot Aaron another glance, Aaron was still looking at him. “About dad and what happened between us. Or rather why it happened.”

Robert huffed out a breath, as he could hardly believe what had happened. “I told him the truth. I finally told him the truth.”

A silence fell between them, as if Aaron needed a moment to figure out how to react to Robert’s words. Eventually Aaron said: “How did he take it?”

Robert needed a moment to think about that, to know how Andy really felt about all off it, to process their whole conversation. “He was…quite good about it actually. He seemed to understand it, even told me he wished I had told him before. It was…” Robert tried to find the right word, but eventually just ended up saying: “…nice.”

When he looked back up at Aaron, Aaron gave him a small smile. “Good.”

Robert kept their eyes connected when he said: “Thank you.”

Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion. “For what?”

Robert smiled softly at that, knew Aaron wouldn’t really grasp what he was thanking him for. “For talking to him. I don’t fully know what you said to him, but I know him saying those things are partly because of you. So, thank you.”

Aaron’s cheeks coloured slightly, before he just nodded, looking down at the ground as if he was embarrassed.

“I can’t believe you went to see him, just to help me,” Robert pressed. He needed for Aaron to understand, he needed for Aaron to know he understood Aaron was willing to forget all his personal issues and talk to his brother for him, to make him feel better.

“You’d do the same for me,” Aaron answered, looking slightly embarrassed.

Robert smiled lightly at that, knowing it was true. Then he said: “And I realize I didn’t really apologize for that night Andy was sent down, when I yelled at ya. That wasn’t fair.”

Aaron huffed out a soft laugh. “No, it wasn’t.” His face became serious again, when his eyes landed on Robert. “But I get why you did it. And maybe my reaction wasn’t very compassionate.”

“After what happened with your dad, maybe it’s me who should be more considerate,” Robert replied honestly.

But Aaron shook his head at that. “No, you don’t. It’s never gonna be easy on me, to know what your brother did to Debbie. I can’t forget that, I’m not sure I can even ever forgive him for that. But I know it’s hard on you too. I know it’s tearing you up, not knowing what to feel. As I said before, he is your brother and your allowed to feel that way.” Robert gulped down the emotions which were threatening to resurface. He would’ve never been able to say it out loud, but for Aaron to just know how he felt, how this was still so fucking hard for Robert, was the most amazing thing. “Just next time, try to talk about it, instead of shouting,” Aaron continued, grinning at him now and Robert rolled his eyes, but replied honestly: “I’ll try.”

At that moment, the door towards the pub opened and Victoria entered with some papers in her hands. “Hiya! Just the man I was looking for.” She walked into the room, straight to Aaron and handed him a sheet of paper. “Aaron, would you please look at this menu for me? It’s for your party.”

Aaron took the paper from her without even really looking at it, before his eyes focused on Victoria again. “My name hasn’t officially been changed yet. I just filed the papers three days ago.”

Victoria just shrugged at that. “You should talk to Chas about that, I’m only following orders.”

Aaron sighed heavily and Robert just grinned at that, knowing Aaron would not talk to his mother as he knew there would be no way Aaron would be able to change his mother’s mind. Aaron just scoffed at him when he saw Robert’s grin, before he started to read through the menu and Robert focused his attention on his sister. “How are ya?”

“Yep, good, just trying to keep busy, really. You?” Victoria replied quickly, without really looking at him.

Robert frowned, just a little worried by her behaviour. “Yeah, good,” he just said.

Victoria bit on her lower lip, as if she felt bad for the way she was talking to him. Eventually she said in a quieter voice: “How was Andy?”

“Fine,” Robert just answered, not really feeling any need to talk about his brother again. He felt like he didn’t need to tell his sister what had been said between them. “He says hi.”

“It looks good to me,” Aaron said, at that very moment, as if he was oblivious to what Robert and Victoria had been talking about, but Robert was sure, Aaron had heard every word and had stepped in, because he sensed Robert didn’t want to talk about it.

Victoria beamed at him, taking the menu from him again. “Great. I’ll only have to run it passed Debbie then.”

Aaron frowned at that, looking confused. “Why?”

Victoria looked slightly caught out by that and for a moment it looked as if she wasn’t quite sure if she should be the one to say it. Eventually she said hesitantly. “It will be Debbie’s goodbye party, just as much as your name changing party, so I have to ask her as well, don’t you think?”

Aaron smiled reassuringly at her. “Yeah, course you do.”

But she didn’t look convinced as she continued: “Or do you think it will be too hard for her to talk to me?”

“It’ll be fine, Vic,” Aaron said to her. “Robert talked to her a few days back. So, I guess she will be fine talking to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Robert asked, faking annoyance, as he stood up and made his way to his boyfriend.

“Nothing,” Aaron replied quickly, obviously having seen the look in Robert’s eyes as he got up and tried to get away from him. But Robert was faster and grabbed Aaron by his hoodie and pulled him into him, his fingers finding his stomach. The first giggle rolled from Aaron’s lips as Robert tickled him, vibrant and heartwarming. “Stop!” Aaron yelled, trying to squirm away from Robert’s touch. But Robert wasn’t letting go and Aaron was laughing full on now. It came in fits and bursts, loud to soft to nothing at all and back to loud again. “Robert! Robert, stop it! Stop!”

After a few more pleads, Robert eventually let go of him and they were grinning like teenagers while Aaron pulled his clothes back down, both out of breath because of the laughter. Robert suddenly realized Victoria was still in the room and when he looked up at her, she was staring at Aaron with a strange look in her eyes.

“Vic? What’s wrong?” he asked, his brow furrowed in worry.

Victoria’s eyes flickered to Robert for a small moment, before they landed back on Aaron. She eventually took a step forwards and said: “I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked you for being there for him when…well, you know.”

Aaron looked a bit embarrassed by her words and the look in Victoria’s eyes, but he smiled lightly at her. “I do.” Aaron’s eyes wavered to Robert for a moment, before he continued: “Don’t worry about it, Vic. Just let’s try and put this behind us, yeah? I miss us being mates.”

Victoria smiled warmly back at him. “Yeah, me too.”

Aaron reached out and Victoria must’ve realized what he wanted, because she put her arms around Aaron, as he hugged her tightly, his arms as shields of love, a hug so warm, it made Robert smile. He looked on as his boyfriend and his sister hugged and knew Aaron had just made amends with his sister, maybe even more for Robert’s sake than for his own.

When they pulled back they smiled at each other for a moment, before Victoria said: “I should go back. So much to do, so little time.”

“Yeah, course you do,” Aaron replied.

Victoria moved and was almost near the door when she turned around again. “There is just one thing.” She bit on her lower lip, before she continued, her eyes on Aaron. “Have you heard anything from Adam?”

“No. No, I haven’t,” Aaron answered softly, looking quite bad for having to tell her no. Victoria’s eyes clouded over at once. Robert read the hurt and he knew she missed him like crazy.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron continued, his voice just as soft as before.

Her eyes became glassy and Robert realized she was about to cry, but she tried to cover it up as she turned half away from them, before she mumbled: “I really have to go and sort this.”

She walked away and disappeared through the door. Before Robert even knew what he was doing, he followed her. “Vic?” he called after her, as he reached the door going to the pub. Victoria turned around by the sound of her name. Robert took a few steps towards her and said: “You’ll always have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Victoria just nodded and tried to smile at him. Robert saw she had to clear her throat before she could speak: “Well, it’s about time you made your mind up and finally realized this is your home.”

Wordlessly Robert held his arms open in invitation and Victoria smiled and flung herself into his embrace. He put his chin on top of her head and they stood there like that for a while, Victoria wracked with the force of unvoiced cries and Robert holding her, heart aching for his sister, as he lightly swayed her in his arms. Eventually Victoria whispered softly: “I’m glad you’re here.”

Robert smiled. “Me too.” He placed a kiss in her hair, before he pulled back and looked at his little sister. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were shining with unshed tears, but he knew she was going to pretend nothing was wrong and Robert wasn’t going to bring it up either.

“Welcome home,” she said, as she looked at him, smiling through her tears.

Robert just smiled back at her. “Thank you.”

He watched his sister go and as Aaron came to stand next to him, Robert grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers, while he and Aaron shared a meaningful look.

He was finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done! Please, let me know what you think. It really means so much to me! <333


	29. Finally home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is; the last chapter of the original story! The very last chapter will be an epilogue. I want to thank you all for reading! I can't believe it is all coming to an end! Enjoy! <333

Aaron was making himself a sandwich, knowing he needed to eat something substantial before the party would start or he wouldn’t be very sober at the end of it. It was the day of the party Chas had been planning for both him and Debbie. Him, for changing his last name to Dingle and Debbie for leaving. “Missed me?!” A voice spoke behind him, which startled Aaron and when he turned around, Adam was standing in the middle of the room, grinning brightly at him.

“Adam,” Aaron just stated surprised, before a smile crept on his face and he moved forward to give Adam a hug. When they pulled back and looked at each other, Aaron couldn’t help but ask: “Where have you been?”

Adam shrugged, looking a bit sheepish. “Just here and there. You know how it goes.”

Aaron just nodded, remembering when he had left the village for some time alone. “We were worried,” Aaron confessed.

“Aah, that’s touching man. But don’t worry, I’m fine.” Aaron just rolled his eyes at him, which made Adam laugh, before his face turned a little more serious. “Either way, it should be me who should be worried. You know, after what happened,” Adam’s voice turned to a low whisper at the last few words. In a split second Aaron realized what Adam was referring to and his mood dropped. Just thinking about that night, filled Aaron with a deep horrid feeling.

“Everything’s fine,” Aaron answered and he was slightly surprised how true his words felt. “Nothing for you to worry about.” He could hardly remember Adam in that warehouse. He had been in too much of a shock to really remember anything. In his mind, all he still got were just flashes. He knew what had happened, Robert had filled him in, he knew Adam knew his father had died that night and that Robert had something to do with that.

Adam considered him for a moment, before he said: “You don’t have to tell me everything.” His eyes pierced into Aaron’s and Aaron knew, Adam wanted a straight answer on whatever he was going to ask. “I just want to know this; Did he hurt you, you know, when you were younger?”

Aaron swallowed loudly, nodding his head.

Adam’s eyes turned darker. “Was it…bad?” His voice wavered on the last word, as if he wasn’t sure that it was the right word to use.

Aaron just nodded again, not saying anything. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He had to talk about it enough during therapy.

“Okay,” Adam replied, his eyes still as stern as before. “Then your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell a soul.”

Aaron released a breathe he hadn’t even realized he had been holding. It was nice, nice to know he had a friend who would do so much for him, knew when to push and when to leave something alone. Aaron was sure Adam had put all the pieces together for as far as he was able to. And Aaron knew they would talk properly about it one day. Today was just not that day. “Thanks,” he answered, trying a small smile.

“I’m sorry for leaving like that. I’m a terrible mate,” Adam said, looking slightly guilty.

“It’s fine. I survived without you,” Aaron joked lightly, making his friend laugh. “I bet you did,” Adam teased back, winking at him, which caused for Aaron to roll his eyes again.

Aaron hesitated, not sure if he should say what was on his mind, until he just wanted to know the answer and knew Adam had to talk about it some time. It might as well be now. “Have you seen Vic yet?” Aaron therefor asked.

“No,” Adam replied, his face clouding over. “And I’m not planning on it.”

“Adam-” Aaron started.

“Spare me the lecture,” Adam interrupted, looking stubborn, his voice slightly heated. “I know what you all think. You all think I need to get over myself. I just can’t.”

“That’s not…” Aaron started again, not really sure what he wanted to say, changing tactics mid-sentence. “She misses you, that’s all.”

Adam looked pained now. “I miss her too, I just…” Adam moved his hands over his face, before he suddenly begged, a frantic, helpless look in his eyes: “Tell me how you do it. Tell me how you get passed it.”

Aaron frowned lightly at the tone in Adam’s voice, before he answered truthfully: “I don’t. I just deal with it every single day. As Robert deals with it every single day.” They both dealt with what happened with Andy and Debbie in their own way, but they talked about it enough for the other one to understand the other’s point of view. They accepted the others point of view as much as they could. It worked for the both of them. Aaron just realized not every relationship worked the way Robert’s and his relationship worked.

Adam’s next words, just confirmed what Aaron had been thinking. “I can’t. I can’t be that person. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

Aaron just smiled sympathetically at him, not really sure what to say. They stood there a bit awkward for a moment, until Adam slapped him on the shoulder. And when Aaron looked up at him, Adam was smiling that characteristic smile of his again. “Heard you were having a party though. Can I come?”

Aaron grinned at that. “Yeah, course.”

xXx

After Adam had left to change for the party, Aaron had taken a shower and had changed for the party as well, wearing a clean t-shirt and hoodie. That morning Robert had wanted to make Aaron wear a suit to his party, but the day he would let Robert convince him to wear a suit to a party, was the day he knew he would do absolutely anything for Robert.

When he came downstairs and grabbed the paper from the kitchen table and sat himself down. He had to wait for Robert to be done upstairs, as he always needed more time than him, so him reading the newspaper was really only because he needed something to kill the time.

He was reading through the local news section, when he found an article about a murder and when he was half-way through, he realized he was reading an article on the murder on his own father. He pushed the paper away from him with a nauseating feeling in his stomach.

It wasn’t the first time he had read an article about his father’s death in the paper. The first was right after the first time the police had come by to talk to Aaron. The second one after they had visited him again. The police had come back and had talked to both him and his mum. Aaron was almost certain they suspected something, but Chas and he had both stuck to their stories, so in the end they had no proof against them. It had seemed like Cain really had done a great job of removing all the evidence.

Cain had even assured Aaron, the police knew nothing about the old warehouse, as no one had been near that place. Aaron hadn’t asked how Cain had known that. He had found out a long time ago not to ask his uncle any questions.

The case hadn’t been dropped though and Aaron was still a bit worried something would happen and Robert would still end up behind bars. But Aaron also knew, they had gone through too much to let Robert be taken away from him ever again.

It was strange having Robert around him all the time. The first few days Robert hadn’t let him out of his sight, but instead of finding it overbearing, like he had always felt when it had come to his mother, Aaron had kind of found it sweet. But when Robert had figured out, Aaron really was doing okay, Robert had calmed down as well and had spent more time with his family and even more time looking for a job. It had made Aaron silently hope, Robert really was planning on staying around.

Aaron had been so deep in thought, he only realized Robert had tried to get his attention, when Robert put a hand on his shoulder. “You okay?” Robert looked down at him with a slightly worried expression on his face, before Aaron nodded and Robert continued: “Come on then. You don’t want to miss your own party.”

The certificate of his name changing had come with the post two days ago and today was the day of the party his mother had been planning for almost two weeks. He never had thought he would get here. That he would ever get to do this. After all that had happened to him, he would never had thought he would be here, sharing this with the person who meant the most to him. The person who he had never thanked for everything he had done for him.

Robert was already halfway through the room when Aaron stood up and suddenly said:

“Wait.”

xXx

Robert turned around by the tone in Aaron’s voice and frowned confused when he read the look in Aaron’s eyes. “What? Aaron, we need to go or we will be late.”

“Just wait.” Aaron slowly made his way to Robert, taking a deep breath and when he looked up, Robert could read every emotion in his eyes, taking Robert’s own breath away. “Thank you. For being there.”

The loving and honest look in Aaron’s eyes, was almost too much for Robert to handle. He never had had someone look at him, the way Aaron was looking at him now. With so much love and gratitude. “Aaron, you don’t-”

“Just let me finish,” Aaron interrupted, looking up at Robert with an earnest look in his eyes. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

Robert’s heart skipped a beat.

“You know you don’t have to thank me for anything, right?”

“But I do,” Aaron whispered and Robert realized this was one of those rare moments, Aaron was totally honest and open. And it warmed Robert’s heart that Aaron trusted him enough to show him those softer sides of him. Aaron’s voice was still as soft as a whisper while he continued: “I wouldn’t be standing here right now, if it wasn’t for you. You got me through all of this. You didn’t give up on me. No one has ever done that for me. The way I am right now, it has everything to do with you. I owe you so much.”

Robert’s eyes softened. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“I think I do,” Aaron fell silent for a moment, before he whispered softly: “You saved me.”

Robert’s chest felt like it was cracking open, not knowing until now he had needed to hear Aaron say those words, to know Aaron didn’t blame him for killing his farther. When he opened his mouth, the words tumbled out without bidding. “I’d do it over and over again, without a second thought.” Robert felt like tearing up, but had never meant his next words more. “I love you.”

The smile Aaron gave him, was the only thing Robert needed.

xXx

The party was in full progress. His family had even made him drink out of a welly, which had been quite disturbing, disgusting, but kind of funny as well and since the first time in forever he felt he completely belonged to the Dingle family. He was sitting with Robert at a small table in the corner of the pub, enjoying a small, quiet moment to themselves, when Diane sat down in front of them and smiled as if she had all the knowledge in the world and just a bit too much to drink. “Aaron, I’m glad he has you. He needs someone who keeps him in check.”

Robert frowned his forehead and said defensively: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing pet,” Diane just answered, before she winked at Aaron and Aaron couldn’t contain his laughter. When Robert shot him a glare, Aaron just shrugged his shoulders and pulled a face as if he didn’t know what Diane was talking about either. Robert just shook his head, but smiled lightly.

“Either way,” Diane continued, as if she was just talking about the weather. “I am just glad to see you happy.”

“Thank you, Diane,” Robert replied, his voice genuine and Aaron knew how much Diane’s words meant to him.

“And even though I would never had thought I would ever say this,” Diane said, her eyes now fixated on Aaron, making Aaron slightly uncomfortable. “I am glad that maybe I can call you my son-in law someday.”

Robert snorted at that, as if the idea was laughable and Aaron felt a sting near his heart, suddenly realizing Robert’s reaction hurt him more the he could’ve imagined. Robert seemed oblivious to it, as he said: “That’s not gonna happen anytime soon. We haven’t even been properly together for a few weeks.”

Aaron swallowed uncomfortable, not sure what to make of these new found feelings. But he wasn’t completely able to keep the hurtful look from his face, when he said: “I never thought you would be so against the idea.”

Robert looked confused for a moment, as he studied Aaron’s face and answered: “I’m not. Are you?”

“No,” Aaron replied, before he could even properly think about it. They stared at each other for a moment.

“I am sure it will happen eventually,” Victoria chimed in as she said herself down, breaking the silent conversation that was going on between the two of them.

“Never say never boys,” Diane agreed.

It seemed like the subject was closed after that and the conversation moved on to another topic. Aaron wasn’t even really listening, just watching on as Robert conserved with his family and he wondered what it would be like to be married to Robert. He wasn’t against the idea, far from it actually. But he had never really thought about it, never really thought he would ever be a man who would marry.

He never would’ve thought, he would have this.

He had always thought that love was cruel, violent, embarrassing, the kind that led to pining, to pain and heartache, to betrayal, to loss. But the warmth that unfurled along his spine right now, this was not that. Love as he had known it, had been sharp and jagged; pain over the simple fact of always having to fight for it, pain because it was taken away from him, or was used against him in the most terrible way.

This was different. Eyes closed and feeling unbelievably loved in this moment, Aaron knew that more than he knew anything else.

Love, it turned out, felt as tender and warm as all sonnets and songs had ever described. It wasn’t painful or threatening to tear him apart. It didn’t make him weak.

It made him whole. He felt this attachment to Robert like a warm grip in his bones, waking up all those feelings he had never thought he was capable of having, shaking years of isolation and grounding it in the simple presence of Robert.

There had never been anyone he’d connected with on such a level as with Robert. Robert was the only person he had let in completely, who knew everything about him and still loved him despite it all.

Guys had kissed him and fucked him and acted like they had known him, but Aaron had never really opened up to any of them. He had had too many other things to fight for or to protect to think about the true meaning of the word love.

Until he had met Robert. He had been the one to turn his whole world around. He showed him that it was okay to be who he was, with all his flaws and imperfections. Robert had shown him it was okay to feel, to show those feelings and had shown him he would never judge him for that, or for anything for that matter. But the best thing of it all was that Robert loved him back. And after all that time Aaron had finally figured out there was nothing greater than loving someone with the knowledge he was loved back just the same.

Aaron realized he was staring at Robert, when Robert looked back at him with a question in his eyes, a smile tucking at his lips. “What?”

Aaron smiled softly. “Nothing.”

Robert just smiled at him, that cheeky grin he wore more often nowadays, as if he knew what Aaron was thinking. His eyes lit up as Aaron’s stomach swooped by the expression in Robert’s eyes.

xXx

Aaron and Robert were still talking to Victoria and Diane when the door opened again and Adam appeared in the doorway. A silence fell, before people started to greet Adam, patting him on the back and greeting him. Moira didn’t let go of him for a full minute, even though Aaron was sure, she had greeted him when Adam had come home, until Adam was able to pull himself out from her hug. Aaron just smiled lightly as the Bartons welcomed Adam home like a wayward son.

Suddenly the pleasantries were interrupted by a voice, which suddenly yelled: “You!”

Aaron turned around and noticed Victoria had pushed herself up from off her chair and was staring at Adam with a dark expression on her face.

“Vic,” Adam answered, suddenly looking very nervous.

Victoria walked away from the table and towards Adam. “What are you doing here?” her voice sounded slightly heated.

“Vic, I really don’t want to fight,” Adam said, his voice sounding as if he was very tired.

“Too bad, cause you’re getting one anyway,” Victoria replied, her eyes shooting daggers at him.

“Can we just not do this here,” Adam begged.

“Why not? Scared of what people might think of you,” Victoria answered, folding her arms.

“No!” Adam sighed, as if he was trying to hold himself back. “Don’t you think you are being a bit overdramatic?”

“You’re such a prick, you know that?!” Victoria yelled at him. “You just left!”

“Because you didn’t listen when I ordered you not to go there!” Adam suddenly shot back at her.

“ _Ordered_?!’” Victoria spat out the word as if it was something disgusting: “What do you think this is, the 18th century?!”

“That‘s not-” Adam started, but Victoria interrupted him.

“You know what?! I’m glad you left. I’m so over you!” Victoria replied heated, before she turned around and stormed out, towards the kitchen.

The whole room was completely silent after Victoria’s outburst and all eyes were focused on Adam, who just shrugged his shoulders and moved to the bar to order a pint from Chas, pretending as if nothing had happened. After a few more moments, people started up conversations again and the whole thing seemed to be forgotten.

Suddenly Robert moved and said: “I’ll be right back, just gonna see how Vic’s doing.” With that he disappeared through the back. Aaron sat there for a moment, but before Diane got the chance to open her mouth, Aaron moved and went up to the bar to stand next to his friend.

xXx

Adam just walked away, when Robert came back from the kitchen. Aaron had just given his friend a piece of his mind, but he knew how stubborn Adam could be, so he was almost certain, his words had fallen flat for most of it.

“Vic okay?” he asked as Robert leaned next to him against the bar.

“She will be,” Robert replied, annoyance threatening his voice. “I can’t believe he just showed up like that.” Robert was shooting daggers in Adam’s direction, who was talking to Marlon at that very moment.

Aaron bit his lower lip, suddenly feeling bad for not consulting Robert first before inviting his best friend. He at least should’ve given him a heads up. When Aaron looked back up, he noticed Robert had read the guilty look on his face, because his eyes narrowed and he sounded highly offended when he said: “You invited him, without telling me?!”

Aaron sighed, not wanting to fight about this. “He is my mate. No matter what he did or didn’t do, I will not shut him out, because of you or anyone else. Understood?”

Robert just stared at him for a moment, until he suddenly grinned at him, which astounded Aaron for a good minute. “What?” he eventually said, his cheeks turning slightly pink.

“It’s nice to know you’re still not choosing between people,” Robert replied, still smiling lightly.

Aaron grinned back at him. “Never will.”

Robert moved and planted a soft kiss against Aaron’s temple, making Aaron blush even more.

Just when Robert pulled back, he saw a familiar person enter the pub. “Paddy!” Aaron called out when he noticed Paddy coming through the door. He made his way towards him while he yelled: “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I wasn’t going to miss this,” Paddy replied as he pulled Aaron in for a hug and Aaron returned it happily.

“So you’re officially called a Dingle now, then,” Paddy said, as he pulled back and gave Aaron a once over, as if Aaron would look completely different now, now he was a Dingle.

“Yes, I believe so,” Aaron answered, grinning widely. “Still the same though.”

“Good,” Paddy, replied, smiling as well. “I told you it would all be okay in the end.”

“Thanks Paddy,” Aaron said, his voice sincere. “For everything.”

“I’ll always be here for you,” Paddy answered, honestly. “Either way, you and Robert should come to ours soon, for tea. Rhona reckons it’s time you properly introduce us to your boyfriend.”

Aaron turned around to look at Robert and noticed Robert was in a deep conversation with his sister who looked determined not to let anything get to her that evening anymore. At that moment Robert looked up, into his direction and noticed him staring. He beamed at him, a goofy smile on his face and Aaron smiled back at him, before turning back to Paddy. “I’d like that.”

“Oh, here comes your mum,” Paddy said, and Aaron had just enough time to turn around before he was pulled into a hug by his mother.

“Hey, baby,” Chas said as she pulled back and looked at him. Aaron shook his head, by the tone in her voice and Aaron knew Chas had already had her fair share to drink. “Aaron _Dingle_ , I love you!” she yelled, as if he was standing a few feet away from her and not right next to her, as she squeezed his cheek with her hand.

“Yeah, love you too mum,” Aaron answered, before he moved out from under her grip. “I just go and be with Robert now, yeah.”

“You still hate me,” Chas said, pouting.

“No mum. I don’t.” Aaron’s gaze landed on Robert again, who was now standing alone at the bar, sipping his drink and for the third time that night, Aaron was completely taken aback by how he felt when he looked at that man, knowing he was all his from now on. When he turned back to his mother and Paddy, he knew he was ready. Ready to be with Robert in every way possible. “There is just a place I’d rather be.” He kissed her cheek, before he turned around and made his way through the crowd toward Robert.

xXx

Robert’s eyes were focused on Aaron as Aaron was walking his way after having talked to his mum and Paddy for a moment. He knew the bond between Aaron and his mother was still a little fragile. But Robert also knew Aaron would forgive Chas eventually. It was one of the things he admired most about Aaron, his compassion, the way he could forgive so easily. He wished he could learn that too one day. Aaron smiled at him as he came closer and Robert couldn’t do anything more than smile back at him. It seemed like that was the only thing he was capable of nowadays, smiling whenever Aaron came near him. So he was still smiling when Aaron came to stand next to him, without saying a word, taking a sip from his drink.

Aaron’s near presence was enough to make his heart race and he had to stop himself from pulling Aaron away from here and into the backroom. But he didn’t, as he still wasn’t sure if Aaron was ready for it. They hadn’t slept together since they officially had become a couple. He had tried once or twice to get intimate with him, but Aaron had tensed up and moved away, awkwardly trying to pretend nothing was wrong. After that, Robert hadn’t tried anything, hoping that Aaron would come to him when he was ready. He certainly wasn’t going to make Aaron do things he wasn’t ready for. Not after what he had been through.

Robert looked at Aaron, who was silently observing the people around them. Robert’s eyes followed Aaron’s, as they wavered through the room. It was rare to see both their families together. After everything, he hadn’t expected he would’ve ever seen that day.

It was rare, and yet in this particular moment, everyone around them was glowing and content. It was strange—how happy everyone seemed to be. How at peace. How he’d never seen himself really belonging with one group of people, but he seemed to have found them now. He looked around the room, spotted Victoria and Debbie smiling at something Marlon said, their eyes warm. Adam, Moira and Cain standing at the door, cracking jokes. Even Chas and Diane looked relaxed, standing by the hors d'oeuvres and trading what Robert could only assume was a healthy level of gossip and small talk.

It felt like nothing and everything all at once, the notion that Robert belonged with them. And it seemed like that a Sugden and a Dingle had pulled the families apart and a Sugden and a Dingle were the reason they were all together again.

Aaron’s soft voice near his ear, caught his attention and pulled him from his thoughts. “Come on. Let’s go through the back.”

“You’ve had enough?” Robert asked, a bit worried.

A shy smile spread over Aaron’s face as he looked up at Robert. “Of them. Of you, not so much.”

Robert let out a breathy laugh. Suddenly his throat locked up, not really knowing how he should react to Aaron’s statement as Aaron moved and walked behind the bar to the back. He couldn’t even really remember when Aaron and he got some proper alone time, just the two of them, with nothing in their way. No family, no terrible pasts and uncertain futures. He couldn’t really recall Aaron’s hands on him, their bodies pressed together. And for the first time in weeks he thought of the possibility.

Happy was what he felt when he walked through the back after Aaron. He smiled, when he knew for the rest of the evening it would just be Aaron and him. It was not that Aaron had been fireworks and chatter all evening; mostly he had been quiet, still unwinding after everything that had happened, but Robert knew they would be fine. As he knew those feelings he felt inside his chest would never go away. Just being near him lit Robert up inside, gave him a serenity he could never really have without him being close. It was like the breaths he took weren't full when Aaron was away, like the smiles he smiled were incomplete somehow. Just lying next to him was Robert’s favorite place in the world. It was Aaron whom created the warmth in his soul, Aaron whom filled him full of love and kept the fire burning in his eyes.

Aaron opened the door, Robert right behind him, keeping close, still it felt not close enough. Aaron turned the lights on, but didn’t look at Robert as he walked to the kitchen.

Robert closed the door behind him and followed behind Aaron. Aaron looked on as Robert came closer and Robert’s heart stuttered at the look in Aaron’s eyes. Aaron turned around, opened some cabinets, took out two glasses and a bottle of what looked like whiskey. He poured them both a drink and Robert took the glass when Aaron handed it to him wordlessly. He wondered how long they could keep this up, just trying to share space, as he took a small sip from his drink.

Aaron, leaned back against the counter, looked at Robert with an uncertain stare over the brim of his glass, before his eyes wandered off and he downed the liquid in one long swallow.

They didn’t speak. They didn’t kiss. Robert just stared at Aaron, sensing how nervous Aaron was, how nervous _he_ was. He knew what they both wanted, he could feel it in the air, as Aaron looked everywhere but at him. Robert knew it all depended on Aaron. He wasn’t going to take the first step. It was Aaron’s call.

Suddenly, Aaron’s lips quirked, and he broke the ongoing silence with a small chuckle, shaking his head and scratching at the back of his neck, a little embarrassed.

“This shouldn’t be so hard.” Aaron said, his voice a bit amused, laced with a roughness that hadn’t been there before. “I mean, Jesus, we’ve been through so much, we both know what we want, this shouldn’t be so goddamn hard.”

Robert felt his lips tugging into a smile. “I know.”

Their eyes locked and suddenly they couldn’t hold it back anymore. Airy chuckles filled the room that built into deeper, more sincere laughter that released the tension between them. They’d been through hell those past weeks, had suffered and seen unforgiving things. That they couldn’t seem to do _this_ was laughable.

Aaron put his glass on the counter, giving Robert one uncertain but darkening look, before he crossed the room in a few strides, reached Robert and tangling his hands in Robert’s jacket, pulling him closer with gentle coaxing hands. “C’mere,” he whispered softly.

There wasn’t much time to register anything else before Aaron had closed the gap and kissed him.  
Robert blamed the alcohol for the laughter that continued to bubble up in him, helpless and right against the press of Aaron’s lips. Robert put his glass on the counter before he cradled Aaron’s face with his hands, thumbs stroking gently over his cheekbones as he reigned his happiness in, focused into kissing Aaron back with everything he got.

Their eagerness brimmed over, frothy and clumsy as they clutched at each other, Aaron wrapping his arms around him, hands pressing against Robert’s shoulders, letting Robert kiss him long and deep, warm and sure, not one ounce of hesitation or restraint in him. Robert sighed, softly, against Aaron’s mouth, just knowing that finally, finally they were here. Aaron was there again.

It felt like flying, Robert noted offhandedly. Kissing Aaron caused that same rush of gravity and centrifugal force that made his stomach drop, waiting for the impact of the ground to slam into him, only it never did. Aaron brought his hands back to bury his fingers into the fabric of Robert’s jacket, pulling him closer as Robert lifted Aaron’s face to deepen the kiss. His lips parted on a sigh, tasting Aaron, feeling the softness of his mouth, the exact pressure of each kiss.

_This_ was Aaron, mouth moving over Robert’s like he could get drunk off of the taste alone. Aaron, who kissed him not as Robert remembered, and not as Robert had hoped, but as Robert knew, had always known Aaron would kiss. It was warm and erring on the side of possessive and Robert felt the intent to the core, let it consume him in sweeps of tongue, light tugs at his bottom lip, pliant lips against his own.

God it felt _good_ , there was no comparing it to the last time they were like this together; walls down, openly affectionate, on the same page. The sweet surrender of giving in to the current, there was nothing like it. Aaron wanted it. Robert wanted it. Robert wanted it so bad he moved his fingers into Aaron’s hair, tilted his chin to press warm, short kisses to the underside of Aaron’s jaw, the side of his throat, the sensitive skin behind his ear. Aaron’s eyes fluttered shut, as his hands tangled tighter into Robert’s jacket.

“We might want to take this upstairs,” Aaron said, his voice gravelly, as Robert scraped his teeth against Aaron’s earlobe, making Aaron shudder.

“We might,” Robert replied, pulling back, just to yank Aaron in by his hoodie and kissing him again, wet and open mouthed and wanting.

Aaron groaned, smiling into the kiss. And Robert wanted to take it slow. For him. Because this was not a one-night stand. This was so much more. This was Aaron.

Their efforts to make it up the stairs kept getting thwarted by the fact that Robert wanted his hands all over Aaron, and the fact that Aaron was a phenomenally good kisser. They bumped into the sofa and Robert collided rather comically with the wall next to the door which made him laugh again, until Aaron kissed Robert into stillness and Robert kissed him back, needing to touch him as much as he could. Robert ran his hands over the coiled muscle beneath the starched cotton of Aaron’s T-shirt, pushed Aaron’s hoodie off his shoulders and marvelled at the feel of Aaron’s body underneath his hands. Aaron peppered Robert’s neck with kisses that were intentioned, no longer sweet as much as they were sensual. They both couldn’t stop huffing with breathless laughter, as they stumbled up the stairs. They finally made it upstairs and into Aaron’s bedroom, catching each other’s glances and grinning wider in the moonlight.

It was a playful game of give and take, aided by the slightest buzz of the alcohol and their uncharacteristic giddiness, and it all fell to shit when Robert-in an effort to spin Aaron around and shoving him towards the bed- sent them both toppling over and slamming into the carpet.

Robert grunted when Aaron head-butted his shoulder, as he fell on top of Aaron, their ribs and knees knocking together, the air crushing out of their chests in laughter. “My bad, sorry,” Robert apologized, a smile on his face.

They broke off into another stupid bout of laughter. Aaron looked up at him with a warm and joyful look in his eyes and Robert was undone by the look in them, making his stomach swoop. “We’re never going to make it to the bed, are we?” Aaron whispered low in his throat.

He was laughing again, and Robert kissed him quiet, touched that soft stubble that he had come to love so much.

The laughter petered out as Robert pulled off Aaron’s black T-shirt, trailing his lips down each inch of revealed skin. Aaron’s soft sighs sounded like earthquake aftershocks, as Robert kissed his way down Aaron’s chest. Aaron’s breath caught, as he cradled the back of Robert’s head. Robert didn’t look up until he’d reached Aaron’s belt buckle, looked up through his eyelashes, and planted another kiss alongside Aaron’s navel.

“I didn’t think I could have this,” Aaron said, thumbing at Robert’s wet bottom lip, reaching up to card his fingers through Robert’s hair. “I never would have thought I could deserve it.”

“It’s not a matter of having or deserving,” Robert responded, moving forward to hover just over him. “I was yours the first moment we met. Even though I didn’t know it then, you kind of had me from the start.”

Robert smiled a half smile, until he caught the look Aaron was giving him, the unadulterated reverence laid bare in his eyes. For a moment Robert didn’t know what to do and was almost relieved when Aaron took the reigns, fisting his hands in Robert’s hair and pulling him down on top of him, grinding their hips together and licking up into Robert’s mouth. They rolled over and Robert let his hands roam over warm skin, the taut muscle and skin of Aaron’s abs, pressed his palms to feel the way the muscles flexed as Aaron bended over him and kissed him breathless.

xXx

It felt like they went hours just like that, kissing messily, letting hands wander, bodies pressing together. Somewhere in the mix Aaron had pulled off Robert’s jacket and shirt. Somewhere in the mix Aaron had lost his own pants, his shoes and his socks and he had done the same to Robert. It was a slow and heady process of undoing each other, punctuated by heated mouths and soft assenting moans. It was when the underwear came off and their cocks slid together, hips stuttering, that Aaron suddenly realized the insistent urge of his arousal, how badly he wanted Robert inside of him.

“Do you have-” Robert breathed out at that moment, apparently having the same thought as he had.

Aaron moved up and across the room in seconds, jerking open the side table drawer and dashing back over to Robert, who simply lay sprawled and dazed on the floor, naked as the day he was born.

The sight of Robert naked in front of him, made Aaron smile and he let go of a chuckle when Robert pulled him down again and he fell down next to Robert on the carpet. Robert moved over him with a devious smile, but didn’t kiss Aaron quiet, he just wrapped a firm hand around his cock and began to stroke at a leisurely pace, shutting him up just as effectively.

Aaron’s mouth fell open of its own accord, his body bended against the sensation of Robert’s thumb against the velvety head, making a mess of the pre-come at the tip.

Robert just did that for a bit, wringing any retorts out of Aaron by jerking him off into stunned silence, head cocked to the side like he hadn’t quite decided what else he wanted to do with Aaron. Aaron lost track of Robert’s movements, only able to focus on the sensation, and when Robert slid an experimental finger inside him, it startled him all over again, the slick traction of the lube, the pleasant intrusion of it.

In the time they had spent together, the few times they had had sex together, Aaron had figured out that Robert wasn’t only an infuriating tease, but he also seemed to have a specific fondness for foreplay when he gave himself the time for it, and that seemed to be connected to driving Aaron to the edge and back, again and again. When Robert’s fingers-because one had torturously become two inside of Aaron, a blur of stretch and slide that only felt natural in progression, that Aaron could only welcome with an enthusiastic moan- crooked inside of Aaron and hit that sweet spot, Aaron slapped his hands on the carpet and couldn’t help the throaty moan he released. Robert looked positively enthralled at the sound, made the same tilting motion and curled his fingers inside Aaron just so, grinning outright when Aaron began to pant, hips canting of their own accord to meet Robert’s hand. Two fingers became three, and Aaron was going to _come so fucking hard_ until Robert suddenly pulled out, leaving the empty space between Aaron’s legs feeling indiscernibly wrong in the fullness it had become acclimated to.

“Fuck-” Aaron swore, impatient and frustrated as hell.

“Patience,” Robert muttered, with all the cool control of someone who was not naked and rolling a condom onto his perfectly erect and leaking cock. It annoyed Aaron immeasurably, that control.

It turned him on so fucking much.

“Fuck that,” Aaron snarled, and once again rolled them over, sending Robert flat on his back, whom looked a little dazed as to how he got there. Aaron sincerely hoped Robert caught up with the program quick enough, because he didn’t do patience when it came to the bedroom, even when it was intimate. He needed it fast and now his body was too keyed up to handle anything else. Sex had always felt like the period at the end of the sentence, quick and to the point, no bullshit. It had worked so far, with previous partners.

But of course, Robert was not a previous partner. Robert was someone else entirely.

He resolved himself to try slow, because it was important, what was about to happen here. This was not just a one-night stand. Somehow he needed to remember this moment, he wanted to remember this longer, as it meant so much more to him. This was the moment he wouldn’t just have sex with Robert, but would make love to him.

Even thinking about that, made him smile. He had never thought he would ever think like that. But that was what this was. Making love.

He balanced himself on Robert’s chest, one possessive hand splayed on Robert’s sternum, as he sank down, letting Robert fill him to the hilt. Slow, he thought, tipping his head back, releasing a soft sigh of affirmation. _Slow_. There it was, that fullness right where Aaron needed it most. He closed his eyes and somehow he couldn’t do it, feeling Robert inside of him after such a long time, he couldn’t do it. He began to ride in earnest, his body rigid with want, as Robert slipped in and out of him. His breathing accelerated and his heart pounded against his chest as heat rushed through his body. When he felt Robert’s hands settling low on his hips, thumbs stroking at the groove of his hipbones, it halted him, and he looked down again to look at Robert, wild eyed and flushed, beneath him.

“Slower,” Robert urged, and lifted to meet Aaron’s mouth, kissed at the corner, mouthed at Aaron’s jaw, bit and tugged at his earlobe.

“Slower?” Aaron gasped back, as if he was trying to remember the very definition of the word.

He felt like he could probably persuade Robert to see his side of things by simply fucking him into agreement, if he really put his back into it. But Robert was still holding onto Aaron, hands traveling the length of his waist, the expanse of his ribcage with each shallow breath, expression almost awed.

“Slower.” Robert nodded back, touching at the risen colour of Aaron’s cheeks for a brief second.

Slower. Aaron could at least give it his best effort. He settled back on Robert’s cock, rocked his hips in a more sinuous and circular motion, rather than slamming them down in a quick slide. A rather comical sound fell from his mouth as a newer friction lit his body up from the inside out, racing up his spine like a current. He could actively _feel_ Robert inside of him, and while this was not exactly Aaron’s first time in the saddle, it was the first time he had felt the gravity of the moment, the stark reality of it.

It was, quite suddenly, the most vulnerable Aaron had ever felt in his life, the sensation like being aired out to dry, unsure how he felt about it as a whole.

Slower.

He rolled his hips again, entire body following the motion, and Robert’s eyelashes fluttered shut for the briefest of seconds, his head tipping back as he growled low in his throat. Aaron’s fingers dug in where they held him up on Robert’s chest when Robert’s cock once again hit at just the right angle inside of him.

Robert was watching him again, drinking in the sight of him, and Aaron was taken aback by the look in them; so much love and affection, it took Aaron’s breath away. And Aaron realized, this was a first time for Robert too. To make love like this, all adoring touches and earnest glances. The level of intimacy felt terrifying, exhilarating, and so fucking hot, an overload on all senses.

It felt juvenile to admit that he’d never expected sex could feel like this. Slow sex had always sounded like the vanilla routine of middle aged married couples who left the lights off, rather than a sensation so encompassing that his entire body felt like a fuse burning shorter and shorter, leading straight to detonation.

“God _fuck_ ,” Aaron moaned, couldn’t help it, gripped Robert a little tighter and rocked at that same agonizing pace. Sweat gathered from exertion, his muscles sang with the burn of it, but he didn’t dare speed up. “Robert-”

The use of his name unleashed something in Robert that Aaron hadn’t even realized was being held back. Robert’s hips made an aborted thrust upwards that hit Aaron’s prostate again, the two of them shuddering, Aaron falling forward a bit onto Robert’s chest. It hadn’t occurred to Aaron, in all of this, that the pace of their bodies together was just as torturous to Robert as it was to him. That Robert was just as wrecked by Aaron as Aaron was by him.

Aaron leant forward, planting his hands on the floor on either side of Robert’s head, rolling his hips again and again and again. He sought Robert’s mouth and kissed him long and deep. Robert let him with trembling enthusiasm, moved his hands through Aaron’s hair, lips and teeth and tongue making Aaron positively keen with pleasure, his hips jerking and losing their rhythm as slow grew to a greater crescendo, legato bleeding into staccato, the fuse between them getting shorter.

“Robert,” Aaron sighed into his mouth, couldn’t seem to shut up. “ _Robert_.”

Robert, in all his intensity, didn’t seem capable of forming words. He snarled, bit at Aaron’s neck again, kissed it after that, his hips now meeting Aaron’s in earnest, cock sliding in and out of Aaron at a slightly quicker speed.

The third litany of his name falling from Aaron’s mouth sent Robert into action, and he flipped the two of them over again, still buried inside as he maneuvered Aaron onto his back, pushed his knees back to his chest and began to pick up the pace a bit. Even then it was still so slow, so deliciously and agonizingly slow.

If Aaron had thought being in control of the pace had been a difficult thing, it had gotten nothing on letting Robert setting the pace. Robert definitely had the physical prowess to fuck Aaron hard, but he was too busy fucking Aaron _deep_ , long strokes that forced Aaron’s breath out of his lungs, stars bursting beneath eyes screwed tight shut against the pleasure sparking along his nerves.

Aaron lent his encouragement in whispering Robert’s name over and over breathlessly, just for the two of them to hear, hands gripping tight enough to bruise Robert’s biceps. His own cock slapped against his stomach, dripping with pre-come, flushed and aching. He tried to see Robert’s face, tried to keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds, but the sight of Robert’s face, slack jawed and sweating, mouth flushed pink and bruised looking, was too much of a visual to handle. He allowed it in doses, but when they finally managed to catch each other’s eyes, it became too much altogether. Robert’s thrusts automatically sped up and Aaron _moaned_ , the sound chasing out of his chest before he could stop it.

It was a never-ending cycle, and they fed off each other’s arousal, each other’s noises and gestures. They were too in motion to kiss, but Robert still stayed close, exchanging hard gasps, lips occasionally brushing. Aaron could no longer tell who was working harder, Robert with his downward thrusts, or Aaron with his upwards rolls, angling his hips to every move Robert made, clenching around Robert and moaning each time he hit that one spot.

It didn’t end slower, but slower had brought them to a burn that was inescapable, heat and friction that made any gesture a turn on, the connection between them synched and locked.

Aaron didn’t even need a hand on him to finish it off. It built and built until boiling point, until the fuse finally burnt down to the quick, and the entire world whited out in an explosion of space and sound. Robert mouthed at Aaron’s neck for half a second, kissed under his jaw just once, and Aaron came, head slamming back to the floor, body bending like a livewire, mouth opening in a silent cry of senseless pleasure.

Robert’s hips stuttered at the exact same time and he froze, deep inside Aaron, choking around a growl against Aaron’s cheek, breath hot and jagged. They clung to each other even as they came apart, Aaron’s come coating both of their stomachs, their sweat mingling on their skin. Robert was still mouthing kisses at Aaron’s jaw and Aaron stroked over Robert’s lax biceps, tugged on them so Robert came down and let their chests press tight together, everything oversensitive and static electric with orgasm.

They lay like that for a while, slipping down from climax into the sated state of afterglow. Robert rolled over off of Aaron, and Aaron tried to ignore the wrongness of Robert not inside him for the second time. Aaron kissed Robert, a little messy and a little possessive, until Aaron’s pulse had returned from a gallop.

As Robert stood up and disposed the condom, Aaron lay back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, feeling like his body had been incised right down the middle, every inch of him exposed, but not in an unpleasant way. He was exhausted in the best way, used in the best way, smelly and sweaty and disgusting, in the best way. When Robert returned, he, wordlessly, with coaxing kisses and an iron grip, dragged Aaron to his feet and over to the bed, wiping him clean before he pushed Aaron onto the mattress, following not long after.

xXx

“Do you think we’re soul mates?” Aaron whispered.

In the lazy afternoon sunlight, with dust motes floating around them in a bedroom that smelled like sex and sunshine, warmth blanketing their skin, Robert rolled over onto his side to look at Aaron. They had spent the whole night and the whole morning in bed and Aaron wouldn’t change a moment. The flush was settled high on Robert’s cheekbones, and Aaron felt the need to reach out, to touch that warm blush covering Robert’s cheeks. It was incessant, that need to reach out, to make sure Robert was real after everything they had been through, to know he was still there, after everything. As soon as Robert had pulled out and rolled over, Aaron had wanted to plaster himself right back to Robert’s side, fit their bodies back where it only felt natural to be. But he’d resisted, had allowed Robert to catch his breath without Aaron clinging to him.

“Are you asking me because you genuinely want my opinion, or are you trying to be romantic?” Robert asked, a lazy, but cocky smile on his face, his eyes lightening up in amusement.

“Don’t laugh,” Aaron chided, turning slightly red, aware of how foolish it sounded. “Just answer the question.”

“Well if we were soulmates, we are a bit ill-fated, aren’t we?” Robert answered, gazing at Aaron, an honest look in his eyes.

Aaron stared at Robert, as he bit his lower lip, feeling vulnerable- feeling brave. “I chose to _live_ because of you. We came out of this whole mess, still being together. And I think we both changed because of the other. I don’t believe there’s anything ill-fated about that.” He couldn’t even look at Robert when he was done speaking, feeling embarrassed, wondering why he had even brought it up.

Robert reached out and tipped Aaron’s chin up and guided him forward into a kiss that Aaron felt all the way down to his toes. A kiss that felt _loving_. “Nothing ill-fated at all,” Robert whispered against the corner of his mouth, his lips quirking up in a half-smile.

There was a way he and Robert moved about each other these days, they were so tuned in to each other, relied on each other. That connection had always been there, it had been what had brought them together in the first place, their mutual attraction. But now Aaron was more staggered by the way Robert was around him, how he was around Robert. How he might not always agree with Robert’s bull headed opinions and sometimes snappy comments but he understood them, anticipated them before they’d begun to come out of his mouth. They might not be soul mates, but…they were something. They were two people who essentially never would’ve worked, maybe never even had met if it hadn’t been for the circumstances, but still somehow Robert always seemed to know without asking, exactly what Aaron liked, needed, before Aaron himself even realized he liked or needed it. They were two people who never would have come together if their lives hadn’t been filled with a myriad of hardships and disasters. But now, as Aaron lay there, Robert’s fingers caressing his skin, he knew it had all been worth it. All these years of suffering had finally led him here. To Robert.

“There is something I wanted to ask _you_ though,” Robert mumbled softly as he looked at Aaron through his eyelashes, the warm smile still on his face.

“What?” Aaron said, his eyes wavering over Robert’s face, as if he would be able to read the answer there somehow.

Robert reached for the bedside table and took something out of the drawer. “Remember this?”

Aaron nodded at once, realizing it was the folder, Robert had hid from him all those days ago. “Yeah. I remember that. It’s the thing you didn’t want to show me,” Aaron wasn’t able to keep the slight bitter tone out of his voice.

Robert smiled lightly at that, as he handed Aaron the folder. “I wanted to show you, just thought that back then it wasn’t really the right time. Now though…” There was an inkling to Robert’s voice that made Aaron sit up a little straighter, leaning with his back against the headrest. He curiously took the folder from Robert, opened it and was completely stunned by what he found inside. “It’s…”

“The Mill, yes,” Robert answered, smiling up at him, eyes shining excitingly.

Aaron frowned his forehead in confusion, trying to wrap his head around the thing his heart already knew. “But it’s been sold, saw the sign getting changed only two days ago.”

Robert was still beaming up at him. “I know.”

Aaron shook his head at the idea that was forming in his head. “What does tha-”

“I bought it,” Robert said, finally saying the words, Aaron had already formed in his own mind.

Aaron was still staring at the picture of the mill on the front page of the brochure he was holding, still not quite believing what he was hearing. “But how?”

Robert just shrugged. “Chrissie and her father had to buy me out of their company, so I had some money waiting to be spend.”

Aaron’s eyes wavered to Robert’s, hope igniting in his heart. But still a part of him, needed for Robert to say it out loud. “You really wanna stay here then?”

Robert sat up a bit straighter as well, so now they were both resting against the headrest. Robert eyes were honest, when he said: “Of course. I want to be here, with you. This is my home just as much as it is yours. And I know we have spoken about it once or twice. But I thought that maybe you’d like to move in with me? You know, when you’re ready?” Robert’s voice wavered a bit, as if he wasn’t completely sure what Aaron’s answer would be.

But all Aaron could do was smile at Robert, knowing Robert knew him well enough not to need a spoken answer, as he would be able to read it without any words. Robert’s eyes lit up, shining brightly back at him and Aaron could do nothing more than smile softly back at him.

Maybe, finally, he’d get the chance to be happy. After everything, he thought he deserved a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it! Just the epilogue and then we are done. Please, let me know what you think <333


	30. By your side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can hardly believe this really is the very last chapter to this story. I am overcome by emotion, but also dizzy with excitement, because this is it! I never thought this day would ever come. That after months and months of writing this fic, I would finally give you all the last chapter.  
> To everyone who has stuck by this story, who stuck by me, thank you! I have had multiple occasions where I would’ve liked to throw this whole story out of the window, but the thought of you, kept me going and made me finish this story in the end. 
> 
> Thank you, and I love you all! <333

_**5 months later** _

“Did you take the mini-quiches out of the oven?” Robert shouted from up the stairs as Aaron put the last presents underneath the Christmas tree and looked over his shoulder by the sound of Robert’s voice.

“We had mini-quiches in the oven?” Aaron shouted back, knowing they had, just pretending he didn’t to rile Robert up. He was rewarded when he could hear Robert sprinting down the stairs and into the kitchen, tie half tied, as Aaron laughed to himself by the bewildered look on Robert’s face. Robert swung open the oven door, slipping on an oven mitt and pulling out an entire batch of mini-quiches. Aaron walked over and looked over Robert’s shoulder, suddenly feeling bad for not checking on them sooner, but thankfully they looked fine to him, just a little brown. And apparently they were good enough for Robert as well, as Robert just sighed in relief and placed them on a tray.

Aaron turned around again and looked into the living room, surveying the whole scene before him, from the massive Christmas tree, the mountains of presents, to the decorations and the plates and plates of food. There was no way that all the people they’d invited were going to fit comfortably into their small cottage, but Robert had been optimistic and Aaron had found out more and more that there was no use arguing anyhow when Robert had set his mind on something.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Robert sighed finally, wiping sweat from his forehead and resting against the counter. Aaron had to admit, he looked tired, but it was his own fault. “The party starts in five minutes and I haven’t sat down since five this morning.”

Aaron snorted: “ _You_ talked _me_ into this. It’s not my fault you got all obsessively crazy over this Christmas diner.” He grinned when he caught the dark look Robert threw at him, before he moved towards the stairs and walked upstairs. He still had to change, leaving it till the last minute.

“Next time I’ve got an idea, just talk me out of it, okay,” Robert replied, as he followed Aaron up the stairs. Aaron vaguely wondered why Robert would follow him upstairs, as Robert had already changed into a suit, a new maroon coloured suit, black tie and crisp white shirt.

“I tried, several times. Look at where that got us,” Aaron said as he walked into the bedroom and was stopped in his tracks by a suit lying on his side of the bed.

Robert stood close behind him, leaned against the doorframe and murmured huskily near Aaron’s ear: “I picked out a suit for you.”

“You know I am perfectly capable to pick my own clothes,” Aaron grumbled, still a bit surprised, but he walked towards the bed and picked up the dark green suit jacket to go over the white dress shirt and black dress pants lying on his pillow, very obviously new but also very strategically missing the price tag. “You didn’t have to buy me a new suit.”

“You act like it is the worst thing in the world,” Robert said, amusement covering his voice.

Aaron turned around to look at Robert, who was looking back at him with a smug smile on his face. “I could just wear my own clothes you know,” Aaron pointed out.

“You could, but then we wouldn’t be in matching Christmas colours now would we?”

Aaron just shook his head and rolled his eyes, knowing Robert was just mocking him, although a part of him was sure, Robert would be highly disappointed if he didn’t wear that damn suit. Aaron sighed and pulled of the black hoodie he had been wearing. A salacious smile appeared on Robert’s face, before he said: “And don’t worry, it’s not your real Christmas present. You get your real present after everybody’s gone and it’s just you and me.”

Aaron couldn’t help but smile at that, which made Robert smile turn wider, before Robert disappeared downstairs again.

After Aaron had dressed himself, having admitted to himself that the dark green colour of the suit didn’t look half as bad on him, he headed down the stairs, slinging his tie around his neck, ready to tie it, but also knowing their families could come over any moment.

Robert was re-organizing the presents under the tree, muttering to himself when Aaron walked in, his phone buzzing, letting him know he got a text. The room smelled of cinnamon spice, Christmas music was playing in the background and everything was decked out to perfection, colour coordinated and all. Robert had been planning this for weeks, stringing Aaron along in his plans, driving Aaron completely insane in the process.

“They should be here in a few minutes,” Aaron said, glancing at the text he had just received on his phone from his mum. “I can’t believe we’ve got both our families together for dinner,” he added, knowing this was really one of those few occasions, they would be celebrating something together, both their families here for Christmas. After everything that had happened, Aaron could hardly believe this was really happening.

“Told you they would be alright after some time,” Robert replied, that smug smile on his face Aaron got to love. Robert rearranged some of the trays of food, inspecting everything for the billionth time that day. Aaron had tried to help too on several occasions, until one particular batch of buttered rum had caught fire. Aaron had been hence forth banned from the kitchen, sent to work on decorating instead.

Robert was now counting the champagne glasses, the welcoming drinks, but kept on staring at them after he was long done. Aaron frowned for a moment, wondering what was going on, until he realized what it was Robert was thinking about. He bit his lip before he muttered: “I’m sorry Andy isn’t here.”

Robert looked up at him as if Aaron had started him and smiled sadly for a moment. “I know. At least I got to visit him yesterday.” Robert, Victoria and Diane took terms visiting Andy in prison. It felt like such a long time ago he had been imprisoned, but knowing how long he still had to stay inside, the time seemed to go slow as well. Robert never really talked about his visits to his brother. Aaron knew it was still hard for Robert to accept it. It were these rare occasions, where Robert was emotional or highly upset, he did talk about it and Aaron got to see how hurt Robert still was over it. “He says it isn’t that bad as before,” Robert added softly.

“I’m sure it isn’t,” Aaron replied, trying to sound reassuring. In the first month of his imprisonment Andy had had several incidents, where he had ended up hurt. It hadn’t been too bad, just some cuts and bruises, a black eye every now and again, but Robert had struggled with guilt, feeling like he had been the one who had put Andy inside. It had taken Aaron a lot of persuasion to convince Robert none of it had been his fault.

“Here,” Robert suddenly said, having noticed Aaron was still struggling to tie his tie. “Let me.”

Aaron dropped his hands and stood still in the warm glow of Christmas lights, allowing Robert to take the lead with deft hands.

“This seems a bit familiar,” Aaron said and they smiled softly at each other for a moment at the parallel to the first time they did this all those months ago and then Robert re-focused.

“You know,” Aaron said in the silence that followed, tipping his chin slightly to look up at Robert. “I still can’t believe Vic and Adam will both come here tonight.”

“They’ll work it out,” Robert answered, sounding convinced of his own words.

“ _If_ they are still in love as much as you are convinced they are,” Aaron replied, calmly and realistic.

“I am not imagining things, it’s true. You can see for yourself tonight,” Robert said, sounding really sure he was speaking the truth.

Aaron smiled softly up at him. “I guess I will.” He sighed. It had been sad to see the wedge setting in between his two best friends, knowing what had caused it. Knowing it had given him everything and had destroyed their relationship. “I still can’t believe they broke up over Andy and Debbie, I never imagined they would. They kind of went through the same thing as we did.”

“Just because people love each other, doesn’t always mean they work out in the end. It doesn’t always pan out the way you want.” Robert looked down at him, his eyes shining with a hidden emotion. “Although it did work out alright for us,” Robert continued, smiling warmly now, as he finished the knot on the tie.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, thinking fondly of the last five months of this: of grocery shopping together, driving each other crazy with their food choices. Of curling up on their occasional nights off with nothing but pizza, action or sci-fi movies and a six pack. Of him stumbling into bed when Robert was asleep, or vice versa, and not really having the energy for much else apart from pulling him close and keeping him there. Of quick kisses in the morning that tasted like coffee, which usually turned into quick fucks on the kitchen counter. Of fights and bickering and the silences that came after, of the patient truces that healed the wounds. Of slow, lazy sex on the occasional Sunday mornings where there was nowhere else they needed to be. It was dizzying as much as it was humbling, the idea that Aaron could possibly have done anything to deserve all of it. “Yes, it did,” he answered, wrapping his arms around Robert’s waist and pulling him in so they were nose to nose.

Robert smiled full on now, tugging Aaron by his collar but Aaron beat him to it, kissing him before Robert even had a chance to lean in.

“Watch it, there.” Robert murmured into his mouth a few minutes later, as Aaron reached down to grab at his ass. “There will be children here in just a few minutes.”

“We could always just go back upstairs and cancel this whole thing,” Aaron said suggestively, nuzzling at Robert’s ear and Robert shuddered.

“Hmm, tempting,” Robert replied, a twinkle in his eyes. “But I didn’t spend all that time in the kitchen for nothing.”

Aaron just rolled his eyes and at the same time the front door opened and Chas, Diane and Doug entered the room, followed by Cain, Moira, Adam, Zak and Lisa. Aaron and Robert pulled away from each other to greet their family. There were hugs and Christmas wishes and glasses of champagne were handed from hand to hand. Moments later Debbie entered, with Sarah and Jack jr, the children sitting underneath the tree moments later. Bernice and Victoria followed not long after, Victoria disappearing in her brother’s arms the moment she saw him.

Marlon and Carly entered with April, followed by Sam, Paddy and Rhona. In minutes their home was buzzing with talk and laughter and Aaron even lost sight of Robert amidst all the people hugging him and clasping him on the shoulder.

xXx

Robert was finally able to get away from his boring conversation with Doug and Diane and silently made his way upstairs. He was happy their party was such a success. But he just needed a moment to check if Aaron was okay.

Aaron had sneaked upstairs just a few minutes before and Robert had to know this whole party wasn’t too much for Aaron.

Aaron was still rewinding, still fighting day in, day out. And just because he had more good days than bad ones nowadays, didn’t mean Robert had stopped worrying about him.

The case had eventually been dropped when the police couldn’t find any more leads. It had released some of the tension that had built between the two off them. Robert had felt so relieved, it had been just after the case had been dropped, Robert really realized how stressed he had been about the whole thing.

It had relieved Aaron too and even though Aaron was still following therapy, Robert knew Aaron had been doing much better recently.

He opened the door to their bedroom, just to find it empty. He walked into the room and looked silently around him, still hardly believing this was actually theirs. That they shared a home together.

Half the time he could hardly believe that this was all real. That he could wake up in the morning, and elbow Aaron in the ribs to wake up as well. Brushing their teeth together, grinning foamy and wide at each other in the mirror. He could go downstairs and make breakfast, because if he would ever let Aaron cook food again, for all he knew the house would burn down. They could spend a whole hour doing laundry together, bickering over the merits of separating darks and whites, and Aaron would throw his stray socks at Robert’s head until Robert would have had enough and would empty the whole laundry basket over Aaron’s head. They could go grocery shopping and Robert could pretend not to notice when Aaron sneaked mince pies into the shopping basket just before they went to the check-out counter. They could share long nights where Aaron watched formula one and Robert read a book. They could wake up together and shower together, blowing each other off under the hot water or talk about random inane things, cracking jokes. It was homely and normal, but somehow never stopped amazing Robert at how special it all felt. And Robert had realized that he wanted to have a whole life of just this.

Robert opened the bedside table and took the small box out. He opened it and looked at the ring that was inside. He had picked it out himself two weeks ago, with some help from his sister. He was planning to ask him after the party as he knew Aaron would hate it if he did it in public. He would do it right underneath the Christmas tree, the light reflecting in Aaron’s beautiful eyes.

He was almost certain Aaron wouldn’t say no, still he was nervous and his hands trembled lightly only thinking about it. But he wanted to do this, he wanted to marry the love of his life. And now he finally could, there was nothing stopping him from asking him.

“Here you are,” someone said behind him and Robert turned around immediately to see Cain standing in the door way. He hid his hands behind his back. But he could tell by the look in Cain’s eyes, he knew something was up.

“What’s that?” Cain asked, in a voice that told Robert not to lie to him, his dark eyes piercing into Robert’s.

“Nothing,” Robert answered a bit too fast.

Cain just raised his eyebrows and Robert sighed, before he showed Cain what he had in his hands, opening the box so the golden rings were visible inside of it.

Cain just stared at it for a moment, and Robert realized that for the first time ever Cain was actually lost for words. Robert could not suppress the smile that broke free on his face.

“That’s…good,” Cain eventually said, as his eyes focused on Robert’s face. “It will make Aaron happy.”

Robert smiled at that. “I hope so.”

“I haven’t seen Aaron as happy as I have seen him in the past few months. And I am sure most of that is on you. So thank you. He wouldn’t have come out of this alive, if it hadn’t been for you.”

Robert swallowed uncomfortably. In the last few months Robert had learned really fast, Cain didn’t really do apologies, gratitude or compliments. So when he did, Robert was always a bit taken aback by it. “Of course he would’ve. He is strong.”

“He is,” Cain confirmed, looking slightly uncomfortable too, as if he wasn’t really sure what to do with these kind of situations.

“Anyway,” Robert said, clearing his throat: “Were you looking for something particularly?”

“Was about to make a toast, but can’t really make a toast when both of the hosts aren’t there,” Cain answered matter of factly.

Robert smiled at that. “True. Let me put this away and I’ll be right there.”

Cain just nodded once, and turned to leave, before he turned around again. “I know you didn’t ask for it and you probably don’t need it, but you’ve got my blessing.”

“Thanks,” was all that Robert said, but he knew Cain understood it was important for him, because he nodded again and walked out of the room.

Robert looked at the rings one last time, before he closed the box and put them back in the drawer.

xXx

Aaron threw some water in his face, happy to have a moment to himself. No matter how much he actually enjoyed the party, he just needed a small moment to be alone. No matter how old he would get, he would probably always have a hard time with too many people talking for a long period of time.

It was strange how different Robert was in that way.

Robert, tonight more than ever, was the literal embodiment of Christmas cheer, smiling and laughing and making everyone in the room just as happy as he seemed. And it killed Aaron, it really fucking killed him in every single good way, because Robert was kind of stupidly perfect and Aaron felt stupidly foolish for taking so long to admit it, to admit how much he enjoyed being around Robert, sharing his life with Robert, because Robert made even the worst situations—from grocery store breakdowns to laundry days to crappy Christmas parties—the best ones.

And it occurred to Aaron, because of that, he more than once throughout the party realized that he was possibly enjoying this party more than he had thought he would.

“I’ve been looking for you!” Robert said, as he walked over to him when Aaron left the bathroom, Robert beaming at him, with the most beautiful smile Aaron had ever seen.

“C’mon, no more hiding. Cain is making a toast!”

Robert pulled Aaron down the stairs, back into their living room, gripping him with a sweaty hand and thrusting a glass of snowball into Aaron’s other hand, tipsy and grinning the whole time. Aaron just followed him willingly, smiling lightly the whole way there.

“I’d like to make a toast.” Cain raised his glass, calling everyone to attention. Robert grinned, slipping an arm around Aaron’s shoulders, leaning against him. “To Robert and Aaron, who threw their very first Dingle-Sugden Christmas party. And I think I speak for all of us, when I say it kind of feels like a new start for every single one of us. So thanks, guys.”

“To Robert and Aaron!” Everyone crowed, raising their glasses and taking sips and applauding as Aaron took a small sip from his drink. Robert’s hand glided from his shoulder as Robert patted Cain on the back and thanked him for his words. Cain just grinned at him and said something near his ear, Aaron couldn’t understand. He saw Robert smiling back at him and nodding, his cheeks turning slightly red, which made Aaron wonder what it was Cain had said.

“Speech! Speech! Speech!” Chas suddenly started chanting, and soon enough everyone had joined in.

“Okay, okay, okay!” Robert yelled, raising his hands in surrender. His eyes held Aaron’s for a moment and Aaron nodded at him, to let him know it was okay for him to speak for the both of them.

“I’m honored!” Robert laughed, raising his voice a bit to get everyone’s attention. “We’re honored, truly. I-” He glanced at Aaron for a moment, and before Aaron could even wonder what Robert was about to say, he said: “When Aaron and I first moved in together here, we were really worried it wouldn’t work out. Cause it’s always a risk you’re taking, isn’t it. And especially with our record of break ups…” Robert grinned at him and Aaron just shook his head in light amusement as Robert carried on. “But moving in to this place has shown us that a good home is nothing without our family and good friends. We were worried that moving in together would drive us apart but I think that I’ve never been more in love with you than I am now, babe. Merry Christmas.” Robert looked at him again, his eyes shining brightly, a warm look in his eyes. Aaron only smiled humbly back at him, walked over to him and took Robert’s hand to twine their fingers together, smiling sweetly.

The room erupted in cheers, and Aaron stared at the floor, slightly stunned. He looked up at their friends, family and their neighbors, locking onto each of their smiling faces, and felt somewhat like bursting from sheer happiness, his heart growing two or three sizes too big on that damn Christmas cheer.

It was kind of like someone had switched his usual grumpy, surly mood off and had replaced it with feelings of true happiness. He was a bit dazed, if he was being honest, but he squeezed Robert’s hand, and returned to listening in on conversations, tuning in and playing host.

xXx

Aaron was looking at Victoria and Adam who were softly talking in a corner, lost in their own world when his mother came to stand next to him. “This is all really nice,” she said as she looked around the room.

Aaron smiled to himself, knowing who’s efforts had paid off. “Yeah. He wanted it to be perfect.”

“Bet he did,” Chas answered calmly, but Aaron heard the slight sarcastic undertone in her voice.

“He makes me happy, mum,” Aaron said, a slight warning in his voice for her not to go there.

Chas turned to him, a genuine smile on her face. “I’m glad,” she said, her eyes honest and warm. “I’m glad he makes you happy. You deserve to be happy.”

His mother and he had had rebuild their relationship in the last few months and now they were like they always had been. Aaron had forgiven her sooner than Robert had done. It had taken some time before Robert had been able to stop with the dark glances whenever Chas was near. But as she accepted him and his relationship with her son, Robert had stopped holding a grudge and now his mother and his boyfriend had some weird kind of relationship, which even Aaron couldn’t quite understand. But they seemed to respect each other now.

“Everything alright?” Robert said, appearing out of nowhere.

“Just was telling your boyfriend you’ve really outdone yourself,” Chas said, no clear heat in her voice, just some light teasing.

Aaron gave his mum a dark scowl, but all Robert did was smile. “Thanks.”

Chas had a half-smile on her face and it made Aaron smile as well. He was glad they were okay again. Even after everything she was one of the most important people in his life and he loved her to no end. “Now, I will go and see if I can annoy your uncle,” Chas said, a gleeful smile on her face. She picked a glass of wine from the kitchen counter and made her way to where Cain and Moira were standing.

The moment Chas had turned around, Aaron could feel two strong arms wrapping around his body from behind. “Missed me?” Robert murmured softly near his ear, as Aaron knew it was their first real moment alone ever since this party started.

“Na, not really mate,” Aaron replied teasingly.

“Oi, cheeky,” Robert replied, grinning widely, poking Aaron’s side, making Aaron squirm out of Robert’s hold, laughing loudly. Moments later Robert pulled him closer by his jacket, kissing Aaron lightly on the lips.

It was soft and a bit lingering and maybe it was Aaron’s favourite way Robert could kiss him. It felt so tender and loving, it ripped through Aaron, like no other kiss could have done. Robert’s lips pressed against his, made his blood rush through his body, made his stomach swoop and his heart thunder. He could feel the feelings sing in his chest from sheer happiness, as Robert kissed him carefully, loving.

When Robert pulled back again, his eyes were gleaming again, a calm, satisfying, loving look in his eyes. Happy. And Aaron realized that, that was how Robert looked, happy. “Having fun?” Robert muttered close to him.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, smiling up at Robert, finally realizing that he was partly the reason why Robert looked like that. Happy. Robert was happy, he made Robert happy. Robert kept on staring at him with that goofy, smiling look in his eyes. And it made Aaron’s heart blossom, to know he was the one who made Robert feel like that. He cleared his throat and he had to think of something to say before everyone would end up staring at them, as they kept on looking at each other. “I think you might’ve been right about Vic and Adam,” Aaron therefor said, as he nodded his head in their direction where Victoria was laughing at something Adam had said.

“Told you,” Robert answered a bit full of himself and Aaron rolled his eyes at his tone of voice. “Glad Debbie decided to come back home,” Robert continued, as his eyes scanned the room, his eyes coming to rest on Debbie, who was standing with Cain, Chas and Moira.

Aaron nodded softly. “She said she missed her kids.”

Robert just smiled lightly at him, already knowing, understanding there was so much more to it than just that. Aaron had been glad to see his cousin back. She had looked better when she had come back and she slowly but silently seemed to move on. Just like he was.

She had come back for the ultimate reason for why Robert had decided to stay. Family. Home.

“You and your mum okay?” Robert asked suddenly, and Aaron was pulled from his own thoughts.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are,” Aaron answered as his eyes came to rest on his mother. “She told me to be happy.”

“And are ya?” Robert asked.

Aaron’s eyes scanned the room, filled with the people he loved the most in the world, before his eyes locked with Robert’s, on the man he loved most of all, a small smile on his face. “Yeah, I think I am.”

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My final author’s note! Like I said; This is it! Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> Forgive me for all the mistakes in this story! English is not my first language. I am certain there are quite a few mistakes in this story, but despite that I can’t really explain how proud I really am of this story. 
> 
> When I first started writing this, I knew I was taking quite a risk with a topic like this and I was quite nervous to put the first chapter up. But, as it grew and people took an interest, it helped re-ignite my passion for writing as well as building my story telling skills. Now, as we are at the end of this story, I'm happy to say I intend to keep writing, no matter what. I begun research for a book I will actually try to have published (something I've always wanted to do). It's one of the only projects I've ever started that I can throw myself into without fear because, win, lose or draw, I will still have a story I'm proud of at the end of it.
> 
> I can't even start to thank you all for the support, for the kudos, for the bookmarks and especially for the comments. You can't even imagine my huge grin every time I’ve gotten one.
> 
> I would also like to thank my beta, HayfieldMC, for her dedicated work in editing this story, but also for her constant support. I couldn’t have done this without you, Marie! I love you!
> 
> Special thanks also goes to Turquioseterrier. Nikki, this story really wouldn’t have been completed without your support, kind words and cupcakes! Thank you, beauty! <333
> 
> Just on a last note; all the titles of the chapters are lyrics from songs with the title ‘The other side.’ It was a funny inside joke, which I now share with all of you. 
> 
> Thank you all again! This story really wouldn’t be here without you! 
> 
> Love, Claudia, Wolkje25 on Tumblr.


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